Afraid to fly..

[TexastoFinland]

I have been living a part from my love for a year and a half. I have been doing all of the flying because he is afraid to fly across the Atlantic Ocean. My family feels that he doesn't love me because he won't come and visit me. I don't see how we are going to close the distance and decide where we are going to live (U.S. or Finland) if he has never visited here. I'd like him to see me in my natural environment and meet my family. Am I wrong for pressuring him to do this? Am I wrong for thinking to end this if he doesn't come. I feel he is my soul mate so I am torn about this.

[differentcountries]

This is a practical problem. How can he become less afraid of travelling? Perhaps see a therapist who works with phobias. Perhaps the airport or flight company arrange courses on how to turn around the fear of flying. Perhaps he is less afraid if you accopany him on the journey. He does not have to get rid of the fear, just manage it so that he flies relatively easy. Our crown Princess apperently listens to hymns to ease her anxiety. Maybe something can improve things for him.

[TexastoFinland]

Well I have suggested that he he says "I do not need a therapist." This is a sore subject for the both of us. It is so expensive to fly already, so I cannot afford to fly with him here.

[Moon]

No, you're not wrong for pressuring him, I don't think. LDR's have to be fair to both, and while the fear of flying is very legitimate, fears can be overcome. I'm assuming he has flown before though, right? People living in the EU tend to get around.

If he insists he doesn't need a therapist, then he needs to figure out how to face that fear himself, and overcome it. It is a looooong, boring flight, as you know, and can't be easy when you're afraid, but it isn't fair for you to be the one making the effort all the time. Too bad I don't have my next trip planned yet, or I'd be happy to accompany him on my way home, at least as far as Philly or NYC

I don't think I'd end it yet, fear can take a long time to get over, but sore spot, or not, I'd insist on having the conversation and make sure he knows he has to do this at some point, your relationship depends on it. If he's typically Finnish, I'm sure it'll be more effort than it's worth to seek outside help, but don't stop trying. Good luck.

[piratemama]

No, you're not wrong for pressuring him, I don't think. LDR's have to be fair to both, and while the fear of flying is very legitimate, fears can be overcome. I'm assuming he has flown before though, right? People living in the EU tend to get around.

If he insists he doesn't need a therapist, then he needs to figure out how to face that fear himself, and overcome it. It is a looooong, boring flight, as you know, and can't be easy when you're afraid, but it isn't fair for you to be the one making the effort all the time. Too bad I don't have my next trip planned yet, or I'd be happy to accompany him on my way home, at least as far as Philly or NYC

I don't think I'd end it yet, fear can take a long time to get over, but sore spot, or not, I'd insist on having the conversation and make sure he knows he has to do this at some point, your relationship depends on it. If he's typically Finnish, I'm sure it'll be more effort than it's worth to seek outside help, but don't stop trying. Good luck.

Good advice here from Moon. You are not wrong to want him to come here, and it is perfectly acceptable to express your needs and desires to him. You can't always be the one to give.

[TexastoFinland]

No, you're not wrong for pressuring him, I don't think. LDR's have to be fair to both, and while the fear of flying is very legitimate, fears can be overcome. I'm assuming he has flown before though, right? People living in the EU tend to get around.

If he insists he doesn't need a therapist, then he needs to figure out how to face that fear himself, and overcome it. It is a looooong, boring flight, as you know, and can't be easy when you're afraid, but it isn't fair for you to be the one making the effort all the time. Too bad I don't have my next trip planned yet, or I'd be happy to accompany him on my way home, at least as far as Philly or NYC

I don't think I'd end it yet, fear can take a long time to get over, but sore spot, or not, I'd insist on having the conversation and make sure he knows he has to do this at some point, your relationship depends on it. If he's typically Finnish, I'm sure it'll be more effort than it's worth to seek outside help, but don't stop trying. Good luck.

Well the fear he says now is the changing flights. I wish there was a straight flight to Helsinki from Houston, and he said he would take it. Unfortunately, the way the airlines are today there are no less than one to two stops depending on what you want to pay. HE is afraid of large air and the only changeovers are in Chicago or New York which by they way all SUCK!! lol

I wish I could make a decision. I wish it were easy to break it off. This seems kind of petty since we have been through so much and have a basically good relationship (loving, honest, close, understanding, passion). He actually has NEVER flown before. He was kind of sheltered, grew up in a small town in Northern, Finland. It is not true when you say that EU people get around. Finns are sort of far away from the rest of Europe so they dont get out of Sweden, Estonia usually. I have met A LOT that haven't flown anywhere. I started going to FInland back in 2007 and so this is nothing big to me so I guess its easier to understand when you are alreay a jet-setter!

[differentcountries]

I think it would be good to start by taking a short flight inside of Finland /the Nordic countries and take it from there.

[Moon]

Well the fear he says now is the changing flights. I wish there was a straight flight to Helsinki from Houston, and he said he would take it. Unfortunately, the way the airlines are today there are no less than one to two stops depending on what you want to pay. HE is afraid of large air and the only changeovers are in Chicago or New York which by they way all SUCK!! lol

I wish I could make a decision. I wish it were easy to break it off. This seems kind of petty since we have been through so much and have a basically good relationship (loving, honest, close, understanding, passion). He actually has NEVER flown before. He was kind of sheltered, grew up in a small town in Northern, Finland. It is not true when you say that EU people get around. Finns are sort of far away from the rest of Europe so they dont get out of Sweden, Estonia usually. I have met A LOT that haven't flown anywhere. I started going to FInland back in 2007 and so this is nothing big to me so I guess its easier to understand when you are alreay a jet-setter!

I don't know, my guy and his friends are all pretty well traveled, at least within Europe. He's been everywhere, from when he was a kid, but had never left Europe (unless you count Russia) until he came here the first time. I agree with different countries, maybe a quick flight to Rovaniemi up north, or even Stockholm or St. Petersburg, they're all only about an hour long. I can definitely understand his fears, that would be a helluva first flight! If he handles a quick flight OK, then he could try something a little more challenging, like London, or Italy, or wherever he can get a really cheap ticket. He's just gotta take that first step

[.:*Shaunna*:.]

I fly very regularly due to my job (twice every three weeks) and I have seen people board planes who do have phobias. I actually feel really sorry for them because they truly do look terrified. Unless people have seen for themselves or know someone that has a phobia of flying, it's quite hard to understand. One man actually froze walking down the isle and while he was embarrassed he hardly could move because he was petrified.

It's a shame your family isn't more understanding. Having said that though, if I didn't fly as frequently as I do and see people with flying phobias first hand, I probably would feel the same way they do and think like something must be up if he won't come to see you. Sorry that he's stubborn about seeking help, as I have seen it work wonders on people who have had some therapy

[differentcountries]

Perhaps he thinks you have to have lots of problems about life to see someone proffessional. That is not the case. You may look at a psycologist as some kind of coach. These days, every decent business hire coaches for their lives employees to improve.

[BagOfPenguins]

I used to be really scared myself. What helped me get over it was really simply just doing it anyway. I still hate flying, but I refuse to let it stop me from doing things that I really want to do.

[Dezface]

I have a fear of flying. But I suck it up and do it any way. He has to get over it. Because even if you end up moving to him, an international relationship means you'll be flying. If he can't find a way to get on a plane, it will never work. I think you have to make that clear to him.

[milaya]

My mother has the same problem. She's not afraid of flying in itself, she's afraid of changing flights - she's sure that she'll end up getting lost and spend the rest of her life in a major European airport... of course she doesn't really believe that, but she does fear getting lost. Which is a problem since I want her to come and visit me when I've moved to Japan and where's there's direct flights from Copenhagen to Tokyo, there's no direct flights to Osaka and she'll have to transfer flights somewhere in Europe. She fears that trip more than anything, but she's still going to do her best to overcome her fear and come and visit me.
I'll do my best to explain her every step of the way - make a list even. I even got an extra copy of the immigration cards needed when entering Japan, so I write all the information she needs to fill out and she'll just copy it (she doesn't speak English well).

I think it's okay to ask a little more of your SO.
My biggest fear is spiders, I'm terrified of them, and my husband lives in the south of Japan out on the country side, meaning there's huge, I mean huge, huge spiders in that house during spring, summer and fall and I swore I wouldn't be there except winter, but I still went to see him during spring (and was under constant stress the whole time, searching for alien spiders) - but the fact is that I still went is what matters - I didn't overcome my fear, but my SO was most important. Your SO's fear is taken care off in one day (of course then also the return trip - so two days) - when I visit my SO I have to live with my fear for days... for weeks.

[Sophie0170]

Hey, my bf is from Turku, Finland too He is quite similar - he hasn't said he's scared of actually 'flying' but he's never travelled before so it's more of not knowing what to do... and worrying about that. I haven't met my bf yet but I'll be visiting first and I suggested that when it comes to him coming to visit me, would it help him if I flew out to Finland and then flew back with him to the UK (where I live) so I'd be with him and he said that yeah, if I was with him then he'd come.. Perhaps you could do that with your SO one day? If that's an option? It's the problems of finding money and time for that though. Just a suggestion..

[differentcountries]

I can understand the fear of airports. Travelling means dealing with a lot of details. I can not stress enough having enough time for an international transfer. Having lists of steps can be helpful. Also, now that airports have internet acess you may use a smart phone to talk with your so on Skype or similar, at the airport! It will not be as lonely as in the pre -smartphone days.