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    #1

    What will it take? Am I wrong to ask?

    My SO and I have been dating for 5 mo., talking for 9 mo. We first met while he was deployed in Afghanistan.

    He now lives just under an hour away. He has the means to move and he doesn't have a large social circle where he lives now. He's not passionate about his job. He's even expressed desire to move.

    I'm really struggling with getting to see him for a few hours once a week. Talking isn't my love language. Getting to know him online was hard enough, but it had a countdown till we could finally meet which made it bearable.

    I need him here with me. He hasn't been able to meet many of my friends. Sometimes it feels like I don't have a boyfriend at all.

    Is it wrong of me to ask him to move closer if it means he would have to quit his job he's been at for 3 years?
    Tags: am i pushing?, closing the distance
    #2
    I'm going to go with yes.

    You've been together 5 months, maybe it's just too soon for him?

    I'm a big believe that if YOU need to be close distance and your partner doesn't, then it's your priority to move or to wait until they are ready. It can't hurt to discuss it and see where he is on the issue mentally and emotionally, but flat out asking him to move is in my opinion a little bit much.
    Happily married to the little Canadian boy I never thought I'd meet in person

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      #3
      Would he need to give up his job if he moved? If he's under an hour from you now, what would that make his commute? If his movin closer is something you need from the relationship, I think you should bring it up. However you should be prepared that he may feel it's too soon for that sort of discussion. Have you talked about him moving specifically to you before? Or just in general? Because he may have different plans for relocation. Won't know until you ask though.



      Met online: 1/30/11
      Met in person: 5/30/12
      Second visit: 9/12/12
      Closed the distance: 1/26/13!!!

      Comment

        #4
        I don't think it's the smartest move. As Zephii said, you have known each other less than a year and he might not be ready for that step yet. Also... like Dezface said, is he able to keep the job and just commute a bit longer? Also... I want to add, if he has to give up his job to move with you, are you able to support him comfortably until he finds a job, no matter how long that takes because I don't know how many jobs in his field are where you live? It might be better for him to hang on to that job, even if it means being long distance a bit longer, because then you will have more time to save for your future together! And also, you say talking isn't your love language, but that doesn't mean you are incapable of communicating long distance. Hopefully you can Skype? And then you don't have to talk all the time, you can play a game together or browse the internet while you are online together. You could introduce your friends to him on Skype if that is important to you and he can't make it down to visit where you are soon or something!! Make him a parcel, and/or take pictures of things around you and ask if he could do the same for you, and that is a way you can feel like you are connected in your life. Talk about him to your friends and family too because that is another way to make it feel real! You can do it!

        That said, you could always talk to him about what he feels about moving closer to you, but you shouldn't force him to move, that doesn't sound very loving to me. Plus you don't want him to regret moving because that could be a disaster for your relationship in my opinion. I think it is a good point to consider, if you really have to move, and he is not ready, then you should be the one to move over, because you are the one who wants it more and will regret it less then, because YOU made the decision. The decision shouldn't be made solely because "my partner made me move to him/her".

        Good luck and stay strong!

        Comment

          #5
          He said he wants to move closer to me, but that his job is the only thing holding him in Lincoln. I don't think 3 years seniority is a big deal compared to the health of our relationship. [I'm not saying it's a dealbreaker , I'm just saying the distance between us is just enough to make the quality time I want and need difficult to impossible]

          We are very serious about each other and we are currently in premarital counseling. We are on the same page as far as the future of our relationship.

          I cannot afford to move to Lincoln and I will not cohabitate before marriage. He can most definitely afford to move and has expressed desire to move to Peoria specifically. I'm not hoping he'll quit his job and move here unemployed. (He would go stir crazy) But I am hoping he would look for a job in his same field or another that interests him and move closer. (He is currently a corrections officer)

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            #6
            I agree with Zephii, if you want to close the distance, you move. Anyway you have not been together long. And you probably get to spend more time together than mostin a LDR, already. And doing wedding preperations, by the looks of it... Are you getting married soon? What does he want?
            I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
            - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



            "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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              #7
              He wants to get engaged this year. He took me to a jewelry store and had me show him what I like because he wants to have a custom ring made. I promise you I'm not pushing our relationship. We are one the same page as far as the future of us. We're just trying to work out the living arrangements. How long we've been dating is irrelevant.

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                #8
                I'm not familiar with his area of work, but three years is a fairly substantial amount of time. I'd be hesitant to throw that away for a fairly new relationship also. If you can't move, and he's got reasons to stay where he is, but you still get to see each other once a week, I'd just tough it out and work on planning out your future together.

                Married: June 9th, 2015

                Comment

                  #9
                  You are taking big steps in a short time. Perhaps it is enough for him this year.
                  I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                  - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                  "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                  Comment

                    #10
                    An hour is nothing. I live an hour and 15 minutes from where I work. Can he move 30 minutes closer to you.....that would make him 30 minutes from work. You two can meet in the middle for dates.....that would only be a 15minute drive for each of u.
                    sigpic

                    I love him. Forever. And every day after that.

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                      #11
                      Originally posted by Charli452 View Post
                      He wants to get engaged this year. He took me to a jewelry store and had me show him what I like because he wants to have a custom ring made. I promise you I'm not pushing our relationship. We are one the same page as far as the future of us. We're just trying to work out the living arrangements. How long we've been dating is irrelevant.
                      https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-lov...efore-marriage

                      You don't want to hear this, but it is not irrelevant. You want him to make a huge change in his life for you and you have known each other for five months. I married someone after 7 months and it was great for a few years and over before the 5th. You are very much still in the honeymoon stage together and making such huge commitments before taking the time to put the work in puts you at a very high possibility for things not working out in the long run. I know, I know, you know him and that would never happen to you...that is what most people that get divorced say. Take that advice or leave it, but Divorce is ugly and hard, so everything is relevant when it comes to marriage.

                      You are in same state together and see each other often so I know you don't to hear it but your best bet is to have a nice long engagement and continue to build a full future together. Don't rush to do so just because of the distance.

                      He should work at the best job he can to help support your future family together. You should take time to save up for the place you want this future family to live together at. I suggest you have him apply for jobs closer to you and take time enjoy dating each other for now. You have said "you" need him here and should "you" ask him to move closer to you. This isn't just about you, it is about the two of you as a team. What does he want, and besides he wants to be together and get married at some point, but what does he want to do right now? I think if he wants to move closer he would be suggesting it himself, wouldn't he? He might willing to leave his job but at some point he might end up in a much worse one and resent you for it. His job should be his decision. Why can't you just leave your job, marry him and live there till you can both decide you want to move?

                      I don't think you should be pushing for marriage right away to be together because you won't live together. I think the only reason to ever marry is because of the marriage itself. How would you feel if he does get a great paying job in your hometown and gets his own place because he wants a longer engagement? All your other needs would be met, he could see you more often and all your family and friends but not rush into marriage and you would not be cohabitating. Or does he want the marriage asap regardless of anything else and no engagement period? If he does then you can get married and live with him where he lives too because he would not need to leave his job.

                      You can get married right away and live in your town and he would need to hope to find a good job.
                      You can not get married right away and he could find a job and his own place there in your town.
                      You can not get married right away and continue on as you are building and saving towards a healthy financial future for a year and then marry.
                      You can get married right away and live in his town because he has a solid job there and move at a future point.

                      I would sit down with him and talk about all your options. You seem to say the only place you two would close the distance is your town, but that's not really fair to either of you. You need to look at all the options together and make the life changing decision that need to made with much thought and discussion. You could try making some pro and con lists that is what me and my SO have done about closing our distance.
                      Last edited by Hollandia; March 20, 2014, 01:14 PM.
                      "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
                      Benjamin Franklin

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                        #12
                        Asking him to move in with you is a big step. In your case it is an even bigger step as you want to get married before all this happens and only the two of you can decide if you want to do this.

                        That being said: If he lives an hour away now, would it be possible for him to drive to his job every day so he doesn't have to quit? My commute is 1 hour and 30 minutes every single day and it's very much doable. Annoying, but not impossible to handle.

                        Relationship began: 05/22/2012
                        First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
                        Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
                        Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
                        Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
                        Married: 1/24/2015
                        Became Resident: 9/14/2015

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                          #13
                          Originally posted by Zephii View Post
                          I'm going to go with yes.

                          You've been together 5 months, maybe it's just too soon for him?

                          I'm a big believe that if YOU need to be close distance and your partner doesn't, then it's your priority to move or to wait until they are ready. It can't hurt to discuss it and see where he is on the issue mentally and emotionally, but flat out asking him to move is in my opinion a little bit much.
                          Yes, I agree. Certainly, talk about it with him, if he is willing to, but don't expect him to move so soon. Take it slow. Anyway, if he lives less than an hour away, what is keeping you from seeing him more often, or spending weekends with him. And why would you expect him to quit his job...he could commute you know, many people do that (I mean IF he decided to move where you are). Many of us here haven't even had the joy of meeting offline, and are separated by thousands of miles, and major time zone differences. You are ONLY less than an hour away. I'm sure you two can find a good compromise, that would keep both of you happy.


                          TWO HEARTS BEATING AS ONE, LOVE BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN...

                          Nothing Can Keep Us Apart, Safe In Each Other's Heart

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Originally posted by snow View Post
                            Asking him to move in with you is a big step. In your case it is an even bigger step as you want to get married before all this happens and only the two of you can decide if you want to do this.

                            That being said: If he lives an hour away now, would it be possible for him to drive to his job every day so he doesn't have to quit? My commute is 1 hour and 30 minutes every single day and it's very much doable. Annoying, but not impossible to handle.
                            I agree about the commute. I drove an hour each way for several years. You get used to it.
                            "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
                            Benjamin Franklin

                            Comment

                              #15
                              I am going with a yes- it's wrong of you to ask- on this. Your SO was out of country for several years, and now is settled into a city with a job. I'd let him enjoy being in one place for a while as he hasn't explicitly suggested moving to your city now.
                              In regards to your distance, I am no one to tell you what is or isn't LD, so I'll just tell you our story. When I came home from China, my SO and I were almost an hour apart. We were not going to live together/stay over until we got married. Did we consider ourselves LD? No!!! We knew what it was to be on opposite sides of the earth, and therefore would do whatever it took to see each other. (Mostly him coming to see me for a while because my family was a little clingy when I first got back. yep. He's that awesome ) My point being, if you truly love each other, you'll make it work. IF he is talking marriage and such, let him take the lead on this. Don't be so pushy that he HAS to move. Let him adjust back to normal life. It's different.
                              Also, Skype with your SO at night when you want to talk and can't see each other that day. It helps a lot.

                              How about, instead of pushing things and rushing things, learn how to enjoy living in the same country and and find fun things you all can meet up to do. Rushing into marriage isn't smart. Pretty much ever. And people who think they are the exception never are

                              Good luck!
                              Last edited by dglynn77; March 20, 2014, 03:56 PM.

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