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How to talk about maybe closing the distance

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    #1

    How to talk about maybe closing the distance

    Hi all, I need a bit of advice, but first a little background info first
    Met my other half in 2011 when doing a masters at a university (he was a first year) ( I was 21, he was 18)
    Finished masters in 2012 , got with other half, originally the distance was 160 miles
    Other half was in 2nd year, I got a job which is just 60 miles where he is from, so I moved away from home partly to close the distance and partly because the job situation back home sucked.

    Now, Shane is finishing university next year in June (2015) and will be turning 22. I have gotten a permanent job and am starting to build a career in the place I am in. It is 60 miles, I also got my drivers licence and a car which means he lives only an hour's drive away from me. Shane has just applied for his learners licence and will hopefully be able to drive before the year is out.

    Anyway, at first I always thought that I would be the one to move to fully close the distance, but since I have gotten a really great job, with great pay and I am settled in the location (It is perfect for me, an hour from him, an hour from my family and friends).
    At the same time I don't want to be doing long distance forever

    How do I bring it up about maybe closing the distance when he is finished university? Now I part of me really dosent want to bring it up because he will just be finished college and still very young (just turning 22) and not know what to do. I don't want to put any pressure on him. Yet at the same time I was 22 when I decided that I wanted to move to be semi closer to him.

    If Shane moved nearer to me , he would also be a lot closer to his best friend who lives just 20 minutes from me, so I have pull with that too...

    Any advice on how to have this conversation/ approach it would be very helpful
    Tags: None
    #2
    What 's in it for him? It sounds like you're already pretty close. Yes, you moved for him, but you also got a great job. If he movies, what about his career? If you want to sell your idea to him, that's what you need to ask yourself.
    I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
    - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



    "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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      #3
      Hmm yeah I think differentcountries has a good idea with figuring out what would be in it for him (Besides being closer to you obviously!). It would help if you could find out that there are some good job opportunities near you. He is close enough that, especially once he gets his full license and a car, he can look into applying from where he lives, if he's not ready to move right away. I think you are close enough that you will be able to visit fairly often, as much as your job schedules will allow I'm guessing.. so my advice is not to push the issue, but just to talk generally about his feelings about moving and how ready he is, are there any factors that are stopping him now, maybe he'd like to work first a bit, save up, and then move, or maybe he would love to move closer.. just be reasonable and talk to him. It's nice he is starting to get his license, because as much as a car and driving is SO EXPENSIVE, if he can afford it, I imagine it will help the distance feel even less because you both can drive to see each other, maybe meeting in the middle.. which I guess you already sort of did by moving closer to him, but anyways. I think you just have to talk to him, and see how he feels, and come to a decision you both are happy with.

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        #4
        When I approach my SO about a serious topic, I'll often start out lightheartedly. I'll casually mention the notion and see how he reacts. If he seems open to it, I'll push it further. If not, I'll drop it and wait. The seed is planted, and he'll think about it.

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          #5
          The whole what is in it for him is a good thing too. I wouldn't mind even if he got a job even just 30 or so minutes away from me. I think when he finishes university, i'll allow him to find his feet etc, but I will say it to maybe look for jobs a bit closer to me.
          Due to the political situation of Northern Ireland, where I am right now is the most southern friendly part off the country (he is from a very protestant/unionist part) so I couldn't live anywhere else as comfortably. Since he is born and bread Northern Irish, the political situation wouldn't bother him as much as me.

          I am really settled here, the life I have won't get any better in terms of jobs, friends, etc. I don't want to move.

          I think I will have the chat with him and not make any definite plans but more so bring up the fact that I have become settled here and next year when he is finished with no plans whatsoever that It could be something to consider on his end.

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            #6
            Be careful about using words like "allow" (allow him to find his feet etc). I know it is easy to think that we will make ours SO's see sense, but really they are individuals like us and we should respect their wishes and even try to understand them. I can become quite mad at my SO for much smaller things - but think it it like this; you want him to close the distance. The way you behave towards him is a big indicator towards what your life CD will be like. Don't hit him over the head with your suggestions, rather show you have his interest in mind and care for his needs as well as your own. I am not asking you to be endlessly patient (and God knows I am not), but you are talking about what will happen in some time from now and you have not been together that long. You are very awere what is the benifits for you. If you are equally aware of the benifits for him, you might convice him. Stil, there is little you can practically do about it in a long time.
            I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
            - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



            "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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              #7
              True, this whole having patience thing is not my forte. Ideally I would love to have some plan for something. Since he is young and still at Uni I don't want to put any pressure on him. At the same time the fact I am 24 and will be 25 when he finishes has to be considered too.

              We have a very good relationship and right now I am on a rotating shift pattern so every week I work different hours. I have to get a lot of sleep etc. So even if he lived close, I still not see him. In fact some weeks I see my housemate who I also work with very little due to shifts. Seeing him at the weekends only currently suites both us, as it when I have my most amount of free time. We typically see each other 3/4 weeks a month. I go home that other weekend to see friends, family etc. I keep busy during the week with hobbies as does he, so if he moved closer after throwing in work, would there be that much more time?

              I think if he did move closer I would look for a non shift pattern job to make it worth his while moving. He has mentioned that he has no idea what he wants to do after University, originally I was going to be the one the move. Yet I decided their is no point in me giving up my life here until he has found his feet and a direction in life. At least when he is ready to close the distance, I will have a good amount of work experience in my field to hopefully give me plenty of job options.

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                #8
                I feel sort of silly replying to my own thread. After thinking about things I have come to the conclusion

                1. Until Shane figures out what he wants to do with his life, I am very happy where I am so I don't want to leave until then
                2. If and when he figures out I will try and maybe accommodate him by either getting a non shift job or perhaps moving and getting a new job elsewhere.

                Part of the problem is at 24, I have everything you could want for someone in their 20's, a well paying permanent job, a masters degree, a great set of friends and family, a car, a drivers liscence and I am starting to save a lot of money for something I don't know. He will get there too at some point, for the moment I will just focus on those things as well as getting my next black belt

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