Living Together vs Getting Married when CD

[curious_gal518]

I've been trying to look for a thread about this but it seems that I would find it here one day, and lose it the next day. So I'm creating a new thread here.

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I grew up in a culture wherein we have to get married first before living together. My relatives have this bad notion that once we live together first, I may be at a losing end because my SO may get too comfortable and not propose at all. And marriage is a big thing for them. And they say that the commitment level with marriage is much higher compared to living together.

On the other hand, my SO wants to live together first before getting married. We have talked about it and he *sorta pleaded that he couldnt see himself getting married without living together first. For me, I completely understand his logic. As we are also LD, things may be different again when we CD. So we compromised that we can live together for at most 2 years first and then give me the marriage,the wedding, the white dress and everything.I do, however, have this nagging feeling that my relatives would point this culture thing at me and they would make me feel sorry for myself because of my decision.

Would any of you have any similar experiences about this? Or when you close the distance with your SO, would you rather live together first or plan on getting married? And how did your family/relatives respond to that?

Thanks!

[snow]

I think your SO has a good point, when he says he wants to live with you first, before you can get married. I see you are LD, but how did you meet? Did you ever live together in the past? How long are your visits, where do you stay and do you sleep in the same bed?

I think with LDRs that began online, it is important to live together for an extended period of time. I knew I wanted to be with my man from the very first day, because we connected so well through the internet, but I also knew I needed to live with him for a couple months to see how well we can live together.

I visited him twice for 3 months and I think through these experiences I can somewhat tell that we can live with each other without great issues. We had our small problems with sleeping arrangements, chores and such, but we worked it out within these visits and now that I know what we are getting ourselves into, for a lifetime hopefully, I know we can get married without a doubt.

[curious_gal518]

We first met here in Canada while we were volunteering at a company event. He and I were interns at that company but I left a day before his first day. After that, we started dating and then 3 months later he went back home to finish his degree.

What's funny and slightly amazing was that we didnt have any problems while he was here. So we know that we will end up being together.

But the culture/family thing is what truly bothers me. I know that they would accept him with open arms but we would have to get married first.

Did your family have any issues with you being with him, snow?

[lucybelle]

My SO and I lived together two years before we got married. I wouldn't have done it any other way.

Maybe being "engaged" will calm your family slightly? It'd be a ploy, but if they can support that then maybe it'll make you and them feel better.

[Yaaamiii]

I totally understand where you're coming from. My mom is very religious and so are his parents, and living together before marriage is just a big no-no in the Catholic church. I personally would not have cared, but for various personal reasons, I couldn't break my moms heart. I almost did it anyway cuz I figured I needed to live my own life, but those plans didn't end up working out. I'm now getting married and we'll be moving in together after that. But I know if we had lived together first it would have broken my moms heart and that's something that I personally would have had to deal with.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. It may take some time for them to be ok or accepting of the idea but it'll happen. Whatever you do, choose what you feel in your heart is the best decision for you. No one can tell you what is best for you except you.

[xanzbarr]

My SO and I will be living together for a time, but i made it very clear to him at the beginning that our relationship had to include marriage at some point because we are living at my moms house for the time being and she wasnt to receptive to the idea of us just "shacking up" also I told him it was important to me also. I dont know how long it will be before we tie the knot but Ive known him for 38 years and I have no doubt we'll get along fine. But that said, my relationship is a bit different than those who havent had the history we have. I think the engagement idea one of the other posters had is a good idea and then just explain you want to take this slow.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

If we ever get to that point, he told me he would rather live with me first, for at least 6 months, and then talk about getting married. I agree with him.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I think this is a decision you and your SO should make based off of what you both want. Don't feel pressured to get married before either of you are ready just to please your family and don't decide to live with him if marriage is something you want to do sooner than he's thinking. I personally do not believe in living with someone I'm romantically involved with but that's just me. If my SO and I would have been closing the distance without being married, we would have lived separately. As it is, we got engaged during his last visit and will be getting married, then closing the distance and moving in together.

I think that either option is a big step if you've never spent an extended time together in person. My thinking is what would happen if you move in together and do not work out after a short period? The same can happen to couples who were always CD (I know a few people who lived with their, at the time, current boyfriend or girlfriend and ended up breaking up) but with one person or both people moving, it could be even more difficult if the relationship dissolves. Marriage doesn't keep that from happening but some people are more likely to fight for their marriage than for their boyfriend/girlfriend.

Could you close the distance and live separately for a period of time before deciding either way? I think that would ease the friction with your family as they would get to know your SO better and allow him and you the opportunity to see if living together is what would work best for you two. Best of luck with whatever you decide!

As a side note, my entire family is against living together and having children without being married but there are members of my family who are doing or have done just that. While some may not like it, it is not their life or their choice.

[differentcountries]

In Norway, most couples live together a couple of years before they marry. I did with my husband (and my ex-wife) and I will live together with my boyfriend part-time before summer. In Turkey it is not common to live together before marriage, but we will live in "fake Turkey", aka the holiday city where he works. They rent a lot to foreginers so I guess we will be fine My family don't like shaking up before marriage, his family probly doesn't like it much either (though they are comfortable with the visits) but we can't get married so there is more of a permanent challenge to their view on life. Living together will enable us to be certain if we can take the challenges on a permanent basis. We want to know each other better before making promises.

What do YOU want? And how will you go about to get what you want? That is the only important question. Then, se how that works with that your SO want. The opinions of other matter to most of us, you will have to decide how much. Also, it is important that neither of you are preassured into making a decition. Deciding to get married or to live together is a big thing (you will share EVERYTHING). If you live together without being married, be sure to sign a contract and make decitions about who will pay what, and prefferably don't support the other economically when you are flatmates. Don't tell your relatives you are engaged unless you are, if they are decent people they will react very badly if they found out you lied at some point. Be straight to all on whatever you decide, people will respect you for it.

[snow]

Did your family have any issues with you being with him, snow?

Yes, they did, but it was because of other reasons - my family didn't like him at all at the beginning of our relationship, partly because he was American and partly because he is older than me. Though they calmed down a LOT after he proposed to me. Maybe this is something that would help your parents see that he is committed to you!

[Katuray]

I completely understand as I come from that kind of culture, too. I get that your family is being protective of you and that they just have your best interests at heart. I know, too, that you don't want to disappoint them. Having grown up in a culture that deeply espouses marriage (divorce is not even legal here) I was very progressive in my thinking. I've always thought that I would want to live together first. There was even a time I feared the loss of privacy and space that living with another person would entail.

But with my SO now, I totally had a 360 degree change of heart. I told him in no uncertain terms that I couldn't see myself NOT married. I know for some that might be antiquated, but with him I want the vows and the commitment. The thing is he doesn't believe in marriage because he's not religious. It was a cause for worry since I couldn't see myself traveling thousands of miles leaving everything behind only to have to go back if it doesn't work out. I know it's a risk that we all have to be willing to take. It's just too damn scary for me I guess without the security of marriage. And I guess that is exactly what your relatives fear too. I know marriage is not a guarantee that everything will be peaches and cream, but for me it will want to make you work harder to resolve whatever issues you may have to deal with and stay together.

I explained all these things to him and when he realized how important it is for me, he said if we were to marry so be it. Not the most joyous proclamation I know, but the fact that he is willing to helps alleviate my concerns.

We know how your family feels about it. What about you? What do you really want? You said that you see his logic and it's good that the two of you came up with a compromise. It really sounds like you're not confident in this decision but the question is, is it only because of how your family might feel or is it your subconscious letting you know that you want more? Is it you just going along with it because you don't want to lose your partner? Hope you find the answers that you need. I'm sure what your family wants most is to see you happy.

[lyonsgirl]

But with my SO now, I totally had a 360 degree change of heart.

I think you mean 180 degrees... since 360 would put you right back where you started.

To the OP: We moved in together a week before we got married. We slept in separate beds until our wedding night. It worked for us. It is still working for us - married life is amazing. In the end: it's what works for you two. If you're sincerely concerned about your families, talk to them. Sit down conversation, if it's over Skype, it's over Skype. No whining or complaining about "they don't want what we want" or something along those lines. You two are on the verge of making one of the most important decisions of your lives: closing the distance and marriage! Both are extremely exciting things - but huge life changers. Talk to each other. Talk to your families. If you're the praying sort, pray. Separately and together.