Living together - Trial?

[Alsfia]

Last summer I spent with my SO and his family in England, I recently came back from being there 6 months. We're fortunate in that we don't need visas (EU), so we were able to spend a lot of time together. He will come over here and this time I'm renting a flat and he will move in with me, and we will stay until new years or possibly longer depending on if I get a job for longer or not, and if he gets one, though that is more unlikely.

We have been planning this for over a year, and though we've lived together with his family before we really want to live together on our own in our own home, even if it's only temporary before we go to uni in 2015, we kind of want to know that we manage on our own even with limited funds before we move in together permanently, even if it will be years until we are able to.

[Malaga]

He'd never lived out of home before and never traveled without his family for more than a week. He'd also never been poor, never had to manage bills or buy groceries especially not somewhere as expensive as Sydney (everything here costs roughly double what it would in Canada but we earn double too... except I was unemployed.) He resisted helping with chores, struggled to deal with housemates and simply could not adapt to the lifestyle we found ourselves living. He complained constantly and it was a nightmare. I nearly didn't go back to Canada with him, and though I did I resented the shit out of him for a long time.

This is one of the reasons why my SO and I never rushed to close the distance. I made a decision a long time ago that I won't move in with a guy who hasn't lived on his own first and supported himself, and until I've lived on my own first and supported myself. This is my definition of being grown up. Closing the distance is still going to be hella tough (on me in particular) for so many reasons, but we both have the experience of balancing a tight budget, running household and looking after ourselves which greatly reduces at least some of the problems. I firmly believe this improves our chances significantly. If I had to offer advice to anyone thinking about closing the distance, I'd tell them to first find a way to get independent before they hop from one family home straight into another. It's hard both on the relationship and on you personally.

[differentcountries]

Actually, my visits to him =work (I study hard for my project, the same hours as he works), we pay bills and we don't have that much money (all my visits plus paying for the flat etc leaves less for simple fun). Just trying to find a place to rent was tough, and we spent parts of my two last visits doing that, in additon to what he did between visits. That was the first main thing we did together, and it was just as boring and fantastic as it sounds. We always said we wanted to know what everyday life was like. He has supported himself since he was 15 living away from his family, even when he is at home visiting his mother he works in the garden. I too started to live on my own when I was 15, we are both independent people. Also, when I am there I do everyday girlfriend stuff like helping him to reduce smoking. It is not a very holiday feel. I guess I will feel I live there even more when I have more friends there.

[Cristiana]

Like Moon said, a long visit isn't the same as living together. Not even close.

See living together has different stressors - work being the biggest one imo. Unless during this trial both people are working, contributing to bills, going out with their own mates etc (people can add more to this list if they think of something) then you can't recreate the experience to test it.


I think the point of this ramble was that if you're going to do a test run, do it for real with an option of backing out rather than just having a long visit. Long visits prove nothing.

Oh god how much am I silly? I didn't mention that for longer visits I actually meant staying at their/our place together while visiting. So being together for a longer time can seem a "trial" of living together

[Dziubka]

I'm undecided on whether a long visit is a trial of living together. I don't think that two or three weeks or even a month while one of you is on a holiday is like living together. But obviously the more time you spend together, the more you find out about each other and that includes a lot of things that tell you if you can live together. If you live together for a month you're going to do grocery shopping, cleaning and other household chores together.

My SO and I are lucky in that we don't need visas to go live in each other's country. We had a few long (1month+) visits and a lot of shorter visits before we moved in together. But even the longer visits, when we both were busy, were quite different from actually living together and sharing bills.

I agree with "if you're going to do a test run, do it for real with an option of backing out rather than just having a long visit." like Zephii said. I think there should always be the option of getting out. Which is why I don't really understand the "trial" anyway. It's always kind of a trial in the beginning. If you close the distance it makes sense to have a place to go if it doesn't work out. That can be enough money for a ticket back home, a job so you can move out and live on your own, a friend that could take you in if the worst comes to the worst, etc.

[Zephii]

Oh god how much am I silly? I didn't mention that for longer visits I actually meant staying at their/our place together while visiting. So being together for a longer time can seem a "trial" of living together

I had assumed you meant living together for the duration of visits. I maintain it's not the same.

[BlueCat]

My SO and I have always had long visits, I've had two 3 month visits living with him and his family, and two 6 month visits. One of those we were living in an apartment so he could go to Uni, but that wasn't proper living together either.

He has had three 3 month visits to me and my family, and his recent trip here was for a whole year, about two months after he got here, we moved out, rented a place of our own etc etc. I also had a lot of trouble with it, he struggled to get work because of his visa limitations, I had to fight with him to get him to do anything around the house along with working and paying all the bills etc and doing most of the house stuff myself because he didn't. It was really hard, and I also resented him for it a bit (not so much the money stuff, just the not contributing stuff). Still, we did survive, he enjoyed living here with me and I enjoyed having him here and so he's going to be moving here. I have to agree that long visits really aren't the same as an actual living together "trial" there's completely different dynamics to them. But by all means if you're considering moving to another country, I think a proper trial is a good thing because it lets you know whether you're comfortable in the environment/culture etc.

[leonsfangirl]

Nope, it wasn't possible. As were international and varying other things made visits difficult as it was.
We spent 6 weeks in the same place ( 2,2 week visits and 2, 1 week visits) and married and closed the distance 10 months ago. Its been an adjustment (mainly for him) but I don't think a trial would have made much of a difference because he would have known in the back of his mind that he was going "home" again. My husband said the same thing. Feels that you need at least 6 -12 months to fully experience all the couple dynamics and cultural differences for it to be a realistic experience.

[MissButterfly]

I guess what I'm doing is what you could call some sort of trial? He's studying at my university, but since we live on campus we don't 'live' together. His room is two doors away. However, we do get to spend 3 school years (minus summer breaks) together. Even though we're practically always in the same room unless we both need our computers to do work, we're not technically living together at the moment. Only after we've both finished all of our studies we'll make a permanent move and get a 'real' appartment