I met my boyfriend in France last summer, we lived together in France for 8 weeks until our summer job ended and we both returned to England. Since then for the last 5 months we have had a LD relationship with 250 miles between us. When we met my boyfriend already had his Australian visa and was planning to leave in Feb 2015 meaning he would be away until Feb 2016. I was about to start a course training to be a primary school teacher so I had to stay in England and have to do an NQT year which doesn't finish until July 2016. Even though we knew we had to be apart without many opportunities to visit each other, we made the decision to stay together and to be exclusive. He told me about his travel ideas when we met, that he would be going to Oz and was hoping to get a second year visa then head on to New Zealand and then Asia. This was before our relationship became serious. He continued to talk about getting his second year Australian visa before he left and even when we were at the airport saying goodbye, he made the decision that Oz was going to be better than me before he had even experienced it! I wouldn't want to stand in the way of his dreams but in all relationships there has to be compromises, right? So after talking to a friend about his LD relationship I came round to the idea, thinking that if we could make it work for a year then a second probably wouldn't be that bad. As long as there was a compromise. So I said I would agree to stay with him if he would agree to take time out to come home before starting his second year. He is coming back to visit in June 2015 for his sister's wedding which will mean that we will have been apart for 4 months and then I plan to visit July - August in the school holidays. Then it will be another 6 months until his visa runs out. At first he said yes he would come back until July when the school year ends and then I could go out with him to Oz again for the summer. He then recently went to the Grand Prix and told me that he hopes to go again next year. Straight away I said but that would mean starting your visa again in March which wasn't what we agreed and he just shrugged it off (we were on skype at the time). Every time it comes up in conversation it's almost like he forgets what he agrees and he's just saying it to keep me with him. This is really starting to make me think that I don't really mean all that much because yeah fair enough he wants to travel and he had his plans before he met me but surely now that I am in the equation this would change things for him!? Now that I am in the equation shouldn't he be willing to make sacrifices in order to keep me in his life? Opinions please!
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1Yes100.00%1No0.00%0The poll is expired.
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Compromises happen in all relationships for different reasons. No two people are going to be 100% compatible in every aspect. You work together to achieve the goals you set together. However, when someone makes compromises/sacrifices out of guilt, threats or pressure, it will only lead to resentment.
Maybe he's not ready yet to change his plans. If he wants to travel and do these things, maybe that is where his heart really is. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you but right now his priority apparently is continuing with his plans. I know my SO considers me and our relationship & ultimate goals when making decisions and I do the same. Our focus is getting to be together finally. Right now your SO seems to be in a different place from you.
You need to have a serious talk with him and with no distractions. When you talk, make sure to tell him that you need him to be 100% honest with you in what he wants to do for his future goals and whether they truly include you or not. Don't make him feel badly if he says that right now he does want to pursue what he was doing before he met you. You have to be able to communicate honestly with each other. From there, you can discuss together if this relationship is really what is right for each of you. It won't be the easiest conversation to have but you need to have it.To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.
Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.
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In my head one should never ask the other person to sacrifice their plans for them.
With any kind of relationship bot people involved should be on the same page when it comes to what they want from each other and from what they want from life.
It seems that both you and your boyfriend are on the different pages of what you want from life. It also seems to me that both of you are not realy ivolved in one another's life so you feel left out.
No one can decide what you should do because it's your decision, so ask yourself if you can wait for him as long as he feels like traveling, and ask him how imagines the future of your relationship.
If you don't feel like it, break it off, Long distance is not for everyone. Good luck.We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love true love.
― Robert Fulghum, True Love
Met UK 3.08.2012-5.08.12 ->UK 1.12.12-3.12.12->PL 8.02.13-16.02.13->PL 1.06.13-9.06.13->UK 3.08.13-17.08.13->UK 26.10.2013-02.11.2013->PL 30.11.2013-08.12.2013->PL 22.03.2014-29.03.2014->UK 31.05.2014-07.06.2014->PL 06.09.2014-13.09.13->UK 20.12.2014-03.01.2015
Closed the distance >21.03.2015
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There was a somewhat similar debate about planning together her earlier, where I said that as a general rule it is fair to be able to plan as far ahead as the time you have been together x2. Which means you should be able to start planning the next year together - nothing more, nothing less. Visas are important and has to be planned, at the same time not all decitions has to be made now. It sounds like you have come off like you are pushing him a bit and he is skirting the issue a bit, perhaps time to really sit down and talk things over, prefferably in person where it might be easier for the both of you to relax and be open to various ways of doing things.I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
- Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"
"Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visitsComment
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This isn't the 'Game of Life' you can't seriously be conducting a poll for the future of your relationship?Comment
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To me, I would never ask my SO to not do something that he wants to do simply because it would inconvenience us and our relationship, but that's just me. Just as he would never ask me to do the same either."We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."Comment
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Silly me... I voted before I understood that it's part of this post.
All I can say is be strong and don't let him totally run your relationship. You are in it together. There are reasons that can keep two people apart even when they love each other immensely. Traveling the world is not one of them, IMO. I hope you can work it out. He could come back to you and when you are free, travel together, make plans for the both of you. He can't shrug off your concerns. I know how that can make you feel very hopeless when you love him and it seems that he does not care as much as you do.
My SO is taking care of his old Dad at the moment and he is back in his hometown which he loves. He is studying my language and preparing to meove here. Just today he said "he has to leave his hometown again". No, he doesn't. I asked him to reword it. If he doesn't want to, he should not do it for me. I can maybe consider moving there with him one day but not now. I don't want it to feel that I made him do anything.
Good luck, hopefully you two can talk and find a way.Comment
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Obviously, you're struggling with your relationship. No one can tell you whether you should stay together or not because we just have this brief look into your life. However, I can say with certainty that if I ever had to ask people if I should stay with my boyfriend (and strangers at that) that I would take a good, hard look at my relationship and whether it was worth it or not. Long distance is hard, but I have never once had to ask someone else if my relationship was worth it or not because, deep down, I know that he is the love of my life and that even if we have to spend years apart, it is worth it if we get to be together one day. Just something to think about. Good luck!Comment
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Unconditional - Yeah but it wouldn't inconvenience his plans except missing one weekend at an event. I didn't tell him that he had to come home, it was a suggestion to make our relationship better and so that in between the time apart we could spend some time together and then he could continue with his plans. He totally agreed that it would be a good idea. I'm just so confused because every time he agrees that something would be a good plan for our relationship he then makes a comment as if he has forgotten all about it! I would never tell him to do something with the threat of splitting up with him if he didn't comply, I just want to be able to make it work.Last edited by SammyHam33; March 23, 2015, 02:20 PM.Comment
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Thank you for the kind advice 'farandaway', I just wanted peoples opinions but everyone else seems to be having a go at me and saying that I'm asking him to give up his dreams which I am 100% not. My main thought is if he really loves me like he says he does then why is he so desperate to be apart from me! In a second I would leave and go to be with him if I could but I am half way through my teacher training course and have been offered an amazing job at the end of it - an opportunity that I can't throw away just to go travelling!Last edited by SammyHam33; March 23, 2015, 02:20 PM.Comment
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Is he generally good at organizing things? Does he simply forget?I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
- Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"
"Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visitsComment
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You need to be very careful with the line of thinking "If I was his boat I would do X" I am not saying it is not worth consideration, but every-one is different. What you would do for another is not the same as what they would do for you, but that does not mean the love is any less strong - it is just being spoken in a different language to one you understand. If you continue down that route, it can also breed resentment longer term too, so be careful.
Compromise is needed in any relationship, and if you do really feel he is not pulling his weight, and are not happy with this, then you will have to walk away, or it will continue to cause you hurt.
If it is just because he is a bit rubbish and flakey, and says things he doesn't really think through until he then gets caught out in a 'lie' as to not wanting it as much as you interpreted him wanting it, then you need to work out how to compromise on that side of his personality, as again it will drive you nuts longer term if you can't.
I am not really sure what advice to actually give, I travelled to the US 3 times in 6months, to see my now ex..... visits do not make a relationship work; they are nice but there is more to them than that.....Comment
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Just generally out of choice I wouldn't want to spend too much time away from any of the people I love including my friends and family. This is just who I am, I know from previous experiences that every second counts and that's why I need to be around the people I love. I stayed near home for uni because I didn't want to increase distance and I have friends that have moved away which was upsetting but I have never resented them being happy and I visit as often as possible. I don't resent my SO for wanting to travel, I just have difficultly understanding why he wants to be apart from me without taking time out to spend with me and that's what makes me question his feelings. I think this is down to past relationships and friendships aswell. You are right though it's also just part of who I am.
I do wonder if he just forgets but I do also worry that he is just saying things to keep me hanging on because he knows that what I want - but I'd rather he be honest and just tell me what he plans that way we can be on the same page! Someone mentioned in a previous comment about having to ask other peoples opinion on whether or not I should stay with my boyfriend - and that it probably means I should question if I even want to be with him - although I do love him very much, I don't think a relationship can be based on love alone - there are other aspects that come into relationships!
Thank you everyone for replying and giving opinions - being able to get everything out which has been spinning round in my head has really helped!! I know him and I need to talk when he comes back in June but we can continue the way we are for now because it's not an appropriate conversation to have over skype really!Comment
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I would have it on Skype if I was concerned enough, vid skype that is.Originally posted by SammyHam33 View Post
He and you are young. He is not at the same place you are, and he might not be for years. I would say have the talk, but is does sound like he is not ready for what you want at this time. You will need to accept that or if you cannot, end it. You are just who you are and he is just who he is. You feel he should want to sacrifice his travel to be CD with you and that is your right, but his is to not feel he should have to. You are both entitled to your opinions on the matter.
Neither of you are wrong, you both have the option make sacrifices or not, and walk away or not. You have to each decide what is your deal breakers and right now your wants are in direct conflict. You have been together a year not several, many people are not at that settle down point in an LDR in one year, we were not. I wanted more much sooner than my husband. It was not a deal breaker for me, so I waited and did the LDR for years, I was not happy about it either, but I loved him enough to wait. I am glad I did. He got there a year later and we made it happen, closed the distance and married recently. My SO had to make sacrifices to do it, but he was ready. We all have our own timetables and that is part of being individuals.
The question is, if he needs time, are you willing to wait? Answer that and you have your answer."Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
Benjamin Franklin
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