concerns about closing the distance (room mate)

[Kapwned]

So my SO and I have been playing with the idea of closing the distance later on this summer. I had been talking about how I couldn't find any ideal college situation in my state because I'm going to be 26, I don't want to do the dorm life because I could not deal with living with a complete stranger in the same room, much less one that is significantly younger than I, I wouldn't make enough money to get my own place, I want to be somewhere where I know someone, and I want to be somewhere with decent public transportation as I won't be bringing a car. He suggested that I just go to college in his town. He lives in a college town, he said I could just live with him, there's public transportation and one of the colleges has my major. I've already applied (since I don't have a lot of time to sit and think on it) and I've been accepted, received a scholarship offer of a pretty good amount, and they've transferred pretty much all of my credits.

So I told him that I have until May 1st to decide whether this is going to be a for sure thing because that is the day enrollment deposits are due. And if I turn in that enrollment deposit, that's it. That's my plan; I'm going up there. He said he wouldn't have offered if he wasn't serious about me and me coming up there so he was certain he wanted me there. He then informed me that he was planning on moving in June because his lease was up then and he and a friend from work had been toying with the idea of getting a place together, so he just wanted me to know about his plans. Now that I'm moving up there he wants to find a place with his friend for sure so it'll just be the 3 of us in an apartment. He's currently renting out a room in a house (it's a college town with really high rent).

I feel selfish admitting this but I honestly think I'd feel more comfortable renting out a room together as opposed to having an apartment with just 3 people. I know that's weird since the other option puts us with strangers and the place is less ours but again, my reasons might be a bit selfish...

1. What if his friend and I do not get along?

I'm not worried about myself, I'm rather non-confrontational, but I'm the type of person who gives people the wrong impression quite often and it's common for people to not like me when they first meet me. And often unless you really click with another person, living together in close quarters can lead to conflicts. I brought up this concern and he was like "It's not like I'm friends with a bunch of judgmental people." Which is not what I meant... sometimes people just do not get along.

Another concern is that when I move in with them I will not be pulling an even weight. There will likely be a period of time where I simply cannot as I try to find work. And I told him I would be looking for a job with less hours so I have more time to focus on homework. I will do what I can, but I doubt I will be able to bring in as much as the two of them who are not in school. He was fine with it but I'm worried she will eventually have a problem with it.

2. Third wheeling...

It's going to be 3 of us in the house and I'm worried he will constantly feel obligated and pressured to include her in plans the two of us make. Again, I know how selfish this can sound. I'm the type who likes alone time and one on one time with my significant other. I'm especially going to want this in the beginning. I really don't mind incorporating friends and such, but I do desire alone time. Like if I wanted to do an at home dinner and movie date night, I feel like we'd be obligated to include her, or if we were going out we'd be obligated to invite her to tag along. It's kind of like how people suggest newly wed couples not jump into parenthood, they should take time to nurture their marriage and enjoy married life first. I feel like if it's 3 of us from day one it might inhibit any nurturing of our relationship because we won't have as many chances to be intimate (not necessarily in that kind of way).

And of course when I shared this with my best friend she went into protective mode. She was like "What's his relationship with this girl?" "How close are they?" "Why did they want to get a place together?" "Has he ever had a thing for her?" "Has she ever had a thing for him?" "Can you trust him to live to closely with another girl and not cross any boundaries?"

I have a history of related issues in relationships. One ex had a female best friend who didn't like me because she felt like she was losing him because I came into the picture. The three of us (and others) often hung out and I was treated like some invader who had stepped in and messed up what they had. She started to act jealous and possessive and there was a lot of conflict revolving around that. I never really said or did anything to her, but she loathed me. Another ex has a best friend who was a constant third wheel. They were always hanging out, and when they weren't hanging out they were in ventrilo together talking. Even when we'd be getting intimate at times his friend would just start chatting out of no where over Ventrilo and my SO would not get up to turn Ventrilo off, he'd get up to answer his friend. And when we were having date time they'd just start texting. He'd always have to keep him well informed and he always got him in on all plans we had. I often felt like I was third wheeling the two of them which leads to my next concern.

3. Me being the third wheel

I'm sure this may be something people here may experience but I do feel a bit of insecurity in the fact that between the three of us, they've known each other longer and they're close friends. And I worry that it'll turn into me third wheeling the two of them. My SO will be the only person I know if I go up there and I feel like I will at times definitely be clingy and reliant on him for social interaction. I'm rather introverted so going out and making friends for me is not easy. But since they're close friends I worry it'll be the two of them, and then there's me.

Has anyone ever had these concerns? I feel like I should share these concerns with him but it seems like it's hard to do so without it sounding like I don't trust him or that I don't have any faith in his friends. I mean, to be honest, I do not know the girl at all so no I do not trust she and I will become best buds. I'm a realist and know that sometimes people do not get along. Obviously I have experience with exes friends not liking me. We're going to be doing a visit before I move up there but it won't be where he lives so I wouldn't have a chance to meet her before I move up there.

[differentcountries]

Could you possably "meet" her over Skype?

[Ejoriah]

I currently live on my own, but my senior year of college I needed to find a roommate and did so via Craigslist. We shared a two bedroom/1 bathroom apartment. Her and I weren't friends before, and after a year of living together I wouldn't say we're really close. We agreed on ground rules before signing the lease, and we each kept our part of the bargain. You don't have to be super close friends with someone to have a successful living arrangement.

I would first talk to your SO about your concerns. Ask him how much his friend knows about your plans and your situation. Talk to him about ways of limiting or even eliminating some of the fears you've outlined here. If you express to him that you're worried she's always going to be involved, I'm sure he'll find a way to compromise. There are many ways to cohabit with someone else. My SO and his roommate used to hang out all the time. Eating together, shopping for food together, etc. On my side, every time I've had roommates, we were pretty independent. With some we sometimes sat down to eat together but had our own meals/food, and with some other we'd shop together but have absolutely different eating hours.

I agree with DC that you should try meeting her over Skype. It may give the both of you a better idea of what the other is like. Also, letting a third person interrupt your relationship as much as you describe was shitty of your exes. I wouldn't have put up with it.

[differentcountries]

I have real difficulties with my SOs best friend...she is sceptical but İ just have to work through it. Friends are important always. Make the friends at least neutral and you are in.

[Kapwned]

We were supposed to be playing an online game together but she never seems to play when we are so I haven't been able to meet her that way. I can see about him introducing us beforehand.

But that still leaves the issue of third wheeling. Do you guys think it might be worth bringing up? I don't know how to word it without sounding naggy or demanding. The wrong wording and it could make me sound possessive.

I just do not want the fact that he and I are a couple with a relationship that still needs to be nurtured get lost in the fact that we live with a friend of his. I don't want it to turn into something that is always the three of us any time he and I do something together.

I know some room mates just kind of co-exist together but my boyfriend and his room mate are friends and not just work friends, they are friends outside of work so I highly doubt they will just co-exist.

[differentcountries]

Well, can you make some days your date nights and also inform her? That way she will know which days it is possably ok to tag along. Also ask him about the stuff they usually do together and take it from there.

[Kapwned]

Update. There is some mild relief as recently we brought a 4th person on board for the apartment. So now we are looking for a 3 bedroom apartment. I think it'll feel more balanced with 4 people in the place and maybe rent and bills will be a bit smaller individually. But I fear it may be more difficult since apartments often just have one or two bedrooms.

[R&R]

Update. There is some mild relief as recently we brought a 4th person on board for the apartment. So now we are looking for a 3 bedroom apartment. I think it'll feel more balanced with 4 people in the place and maybe rent and bills will be a bit smaller individually. But I fear it may be more difficult since apartments often just have one or two bedrooms.

If you are going to need that many bedrooms, you may be better off looking at condos, townhouses or a duplex. With 4 people splitting the bills, it would still be cost-effective and you'd have more room in the shared areas.