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    Her parents' culture and religion are in the way.

    Hey, this is my first post here, and I hope the community is understanding cause I have a delicate situation to deal with.

    So, I am 20 and my girlfriend is 15. I'll start by saying that we never thought about age, she's very,very mature and I know for a fact that I don't have pedophile tendencies of any sort. She also looks like she's at least 18 years old. Most people are close minded and tend to pick on this a lot without having a clue about the situation. So, now that I got that out of the way, I'll get to the actual issue we have.

    Her parents are of tamil culture, so she is constrained to either marry her cousin, or a man with "status" ( that's what they call it,aka cash ) of the same culture and religion, after the age of 23, from what I've read and what she told me. That's not gonna be a problem since she'll run away from home and come to me when she'll be 18, but until then...

    And here's where our problem lays down, the superficial values that her family lives by, makes it really hard for us to meet, since she'll never be allowed to come to me, and there's no way I can visit and stay at her place, because she's not allowed to have a boyfriend ever, she must only have a husband, and after 7-8 years.
    Last time her parents found out that she's still talking to me, her mother beat her with something from the kitchen until it broke, and she was forced into giving them her skype/fb accounts. I know how sensitive she is, she cries if I somehow forget to read for her good night stories until she falls asleep. When she told me about what happened, I sat in a corner and cried like a 5 year old. I felt so powerless and could only think about my angel suffering.

    Anyway, I'm a student and I won't start working until next summer because of the busy college schedule, so my pockets are pretty empty,and her, well she doesn't have her own money either, only what her parents give her. We really want to meet this summer and we figured that I could rent a room or stay at a hotel for a week. It's not much but hey, it's a first step. Thing is together we only got like 60-70% of the money we need for bus/plane tickets and a room for a week. She asked her mom to search for a job for her tommorow, and she agreed, so there's that, but do you have any other ideas about how we can make this easier until she's of age to come at me and live together at my place ? ( I got my own house here ) . Only the tickets are my money for a month, and I'm not complaining cause it's completely worth it, it's just that we won't be able to do it too often

    #2
    15 years is the age of sexual concent in Denmark. So if visiting you will not get into trouble for seeing her.

    If you are looking to finance the first meet there is always credit cards.

    I imagine the parents puts off a future wedding so that she can have an education. That is something that can work to her advantage. The easiest way for a young person to move abroad is for studies.
    Last edited by differentcountries; June 30, 2015, 08:06 PM.
    I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
    - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



    "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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      #3
      I was trying to stick with you through the whole "I'm 20 and she's 15" bit, I even made it through "she looks like she's 18" which has fuck all to do with anything, but this
      That's not gonna be a problem since she'll run away from home and come to me when she'll be 18, but until then...
      is when I stopped altogether.

      You two are currently not meant to be together. Let it go. Running away and abandoning her family is just not a good idea. Especially at the age of 18 when you can make some very bad decisions. Maybe you can try again in another couple years. But really, running away is your plan? C'mon now. . . If you really want to help this girl empower her to continue her education so she can advocate for herself and take care of herself. And when she's educated and financially stable she can make the decision to leave what sounds to be like an abusive family.
      Last edited by lucybelle; June 30, 2015, 09:31 PM.

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        #4
        lucybelle; while that may be a sound advice i the US, the Scandinavian model makes it very financially affordable to live on your own at 18 - in fact most people do. You can also study abroad.

        Here is information about Danish scholarships and student loans: https://www.su.dk/English/Sider/default.aspx
        I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
        - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



        "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by lucybelle View Post
          I was trying to stick with you through the whole "I'm 20 and she's 15" bit, I even made it through "she looks like she's 18" which has fuck all to do with anything, but this is when I stopped altogether.

          You two are currently not meant to be together. Let it go. Running away and abandoning her family is just not a good idea. Especially at the age of 18 when you can make some very bad decisions. Maybe you can try again in another couple years. But really, running away is your plan? C'mon now. . . If you really want to help this girl empower her to continue her education so she can advocate for herself and take care of herself. And when she's educated and financially stable she can make the decision to leave what sounds to be like an abusive family.
          The reason I mentioned she looks 18, is that I had to give tons of explinations in the past, to people that found out about her, and I just answered all the questions before they were even asked.
          There is nothing I want more for her her to finish her education, and I letted her know that in the past many times. Thing is, I barely convinced her in the last moment, to not drop out from highschool. The reason she doesn't want to persue further education after the age of 18 in her country, is that she realises that keeping a long distance relationship for 6-7 more years sounds like a joke. She can always continue her education here, I would work, she can get a part time job as well if we're struggling, and it shouldn't be a problem.

          Comment


            #6
            Having an LDR that long is not a joke at all. It's not for everyone, no, but it's legit and definitely possible. Some people on here have been LDR for 10+ years.

            Also, she can't just go and move to Romania with no issue - I'm assuming she doesn't speak Romanian, and the differences between the education systems can make it very hard to transition to a different school, if the Romanian school even accepts her. You need to look into these things instead of assuming that they'll just work themselves out. And if she's already that eager to toss away her current education for this relationship, I think she's not ready to think that hard about closing the distance yet. I think you both should take a breather and slow down on this. Even if the age of consent in Denmark is 15, that 5 year gap of experience and maturity is going to affect things, and making hasty decisions is not going to help. Allow yourself the time and growing together.

            ~
            It'll take a lot more than words and guns
            A whole lot more than riches and muscle
            The hands of the many must join as one
            And together we'll cross the river

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              #7
              I'm sorry br3ak, but I think her being tamil and already being established in DK is better than running away to Romania at 18. In DK she can move out from her parents place as soon as she'll start studies, since she'll be getting study grant and can get a part time job.

              Of course she can get education in Romania, but she won't get any study grant and won't know the local language. Will working mean that you'd have to drop out of uni?

              I get that you say that she's very mature, but mature for 15 years old girl... I'm sorry, but she's just a kid still, growing up with messed up hormones. She was willing to drop out of high school- which proofs how immature she really is. I really believe that you guys love each other, but 15 might be a little bit to early to plan such a future changing decisions.

              I don't want to sound harsh or condescending... I just remember my 15 or my sis and how we both thought "how mature we are".. and oh well, good thing that no big decisions were made that time...

              Comment


                #8
                I have a 15 year old daughter. I also thought she was very mature. Until I found out she can't remember to feed ALL of our dogs.....only some of them! 15year old brains are NOT mature enough to make life changing decisions. Nor are they mature enough to feed the pets, apparently!
                sigpic

                I love him. Forever. And every day after that.

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                  #9
                  Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
                  lucybelle; while that may be a sound advice i the US, the Scandinavian model makes it very financially affordable to live on your own at 18 - in fact most people do. You can also study abroad.

                  Here is information about Danish scholarships and student loans: https://www.su.dk/English/Sider/default.aspx
                  A good portion of the U.S. Population leave their homes at 18. I did. All my siblings did.

                  But that's not even the point. The girl in question is not 18, she's 15 and has already considered dropping out of school and running away from home. An uneducated 15 year old runaway is going to have a tough time in any country. So my advice stands- allow her to finish her education which allows her to become more independent and then, only when financially ready, she should prepare to leave her home.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I'm not surprised that she's planning to run away, considering that she's 15 and growing up in what seems to be an abusive/oppressive environment. That can't be easy and I feel for her.
                    Keep in mind that this might also be the very reason that this relationship is appealing to hear right now. It's kind of her ticket out and a glimpse of another world.

                    I sort of agree with lucybelle, this relationship can't really happen at this very moment. You can support her, listen to her problems, empower her where she needs it and help her make a life of her own.

                    Wait until she has moved out of her family home and makes some money of her own.

                    Być tam, zawsze tam, gdzie Ty.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      They beat the shit out of her for talking to you. What happens when they find out you visited each other?

                      If you love this girl, wait. Put the money in a good savings account and wait.

                      A five year age gap isn't that big of a deal, but with age gaps come an imbalance of power - in this situation you have so much power over her the relationship can't begin to be equal. She needs to stay in school, and to get some life experience.

                      Unlike most people, I'm not particularly alarmed by the running away thing. I ran away with an older man and I was no where near 18. Wasn't the best decision, but I wouldn't be were I am now if I hadn't done it. I can see her point of view here too - shit can't get much worse.

                      Speaking of getting worse... LDR gets a tonne harder once you meet in person. So if you can't close the distance, don't rush that shit. You see to have a really sweet thing going. Help her focus on that to get her through the days now, and remind yourselves that you have your whole futures to be together, there's no need to risk everything you have and her personal safety to meet in person now.
                      Happily married to the little Canadian boy I never thought I'd meet in person

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Regardless of the situation, religion or culture, beating up a child is wrong and surely against Danish child protection laws. I've had a quick look on google and there seems to be some organisations who maybe able to support her, these are in English:

                        https://www.boerneraadet.dk/english

                        https://www.bornsvilkar.dk/BV/In-eng...x#.VZPm7UaE93A

                        I'd support her as a friend for now and work on her understanding that what her parents are doing is wrong.
                        Last edited by 80anthea; July 1, 2015, 02:21 PM.

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                          #13
                          Thanks 80anthea!

                          I was thinking something similar.
                          If it was in Finland she herself (or anyone else) could anonymously contact the child protection services whom would be obligated by law to investigate the situation in the family.
                          In worst case scenario the child would be taken away and put into custody of a foster family, which in her case could be ideal.
                          But I don't know how things work in Denmark.

                          It is obviously hard, but the best thing is to remain close friends and to get her life sorted out before meeting.
                          If the relationship lasts through that I am sure you can get through other things too.
                          Good luck!

                          Originally posted by 80anthea View Post
                          Regardless of the situation, religion or culture, beating up a child is wrong and surely against Danish child protection laws. I've had a quick look on google and there seems to be some organisations who maybe able to support her, these are in English:

                          https://www.boerneraadet.dk/english

                          https://www.bornsvilkar.dk/BV/In-eng...x#.VZPm7UaE93A

                          I'd support her as a friend for now and work on her understanding that what her parents is doing is wrong.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
                            If you are looking to finance the first meet there is always credit cards.
                            This is terrible advice. I hope OP won't take it into consideration.
                            I thought of you and the years and all the sadness fell away from me - Pink Floyd

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                              #15
                              Originally posted by br3ak View Post

                              And here's where our problem lays down, the superficial values that her family lives by,
                              Whoa. A person's religion and culture is not superficial. Superficial (defined) existing or occurring at or on the surface. situated or occurring on the skin or immediately beneath it. A person's religion and culture is usually deep seated, and not just below the surface.

                              You guys are in different countries. The different countries have different cultures. Even if you don't agree with the values in a culture, that doesn't mean you get to belittle or berate it. It's one thing to say that you respectfully disagree with someone's culture or religion, but it is another to minimize it. My values and beliefs are NOT superficial, and I doubt her family's beliefs are superficial.

                              I suggest you stand back and look at things from another perspective. Would you want your religion and culture to be respected even if the other people didn't agree with it?
                              Last edited by hmrambling; July 1, 2015, 05:38 PM.

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