Closing the Distance/Getting Married in England after 8 years..

[Zenobie]

Hi everyone,

First time poster here but been a LFAD website browser many times over the years in moments where I was seeking comfort in knowing my SO and I weren't the only ones crazy enough to follow our hearts across a ocean. I decided I wanted to share our story in hope it'll inspire others to know it's possible to be together even with loads of medical issues and 8 years involved. I'd also like to ask those who've managed to close the distance a few questions

I live in Western Canada and he lives in the midlands of England and we found each other online in a gaming community and fell in love working together on a website for the community, me the graphics, him the coding, that old story! In July 2007 after spending time together online for over a year and promising each other that if we couldn't make it work by the time I turn 30 the we would do the best thing for each other and give up trying. Soon we took the leap and I flew to London and met him in person for the first time. It was scary in a way but I knew in my gut it was right, we had only made true what we knew online, that we were meant for each other and that we wanted to have a life together one day. I remember when we said goodbye that first time that he was so wonderful in saying, everyday apart is another closer to being together again and he was going to make me his wife one day no matter what. Through all this his parents were loving and encouraging of us, letting me stay in their home without meeting me, trusting that if my now fiancé trusted me, so did they. Even tho at the time he was 17 and I was 21 (he has a old soul) He showed me a wonderful time and was amazing in every way. It was hard but I headed back to Canada and then he came to visit me for the first time Christmas and New Years that year. At this point he was in university but was just starting to struggle with his health and when he came to visit I saw him get ill for the first time, it was New Years and he got really dizzy and couldn't stand up after some Fireworks. His illness was slow at first but eventually got bad enough that he had to drop out of university into his 2nd year and was only able to visit me in Canada one more time in 2009. They aren't sure why but he slowly developed gluten ataxia that was affecting the balance center of his brain that also came with titanus (ringing in your ears) constantly and migraines and lots of falls etc that's worsened by gluten and certain noises. He'd been struggling for a long time but eventually got on disability and physio the last 5 years. He now walks with a cane and has to avoid a lot in order to have a good day. I've faced my own medical issues over the years (cancer caught in stage 1 twice thankfully) so as you can imagine this, as well as all the financial implications, has kept us apart the last 8 years. I've been there 15 times as of this spring and we got engaged in April 2013. This year, admittedly after solving some health and financial issues on my side, we decided we wanted to make it finally happen no matter what.

We've done a lot of research and have personally seen the UKBA rules change several times over the years. Also knowing after several attempts in the past that I wasn't going to being able to just move and get a job in the Uk, without being a doctor or lawyer etc, (but am a business manager and make good money in Canada) that we needed real help after so long so we got a local lawyer in Nottingham. We wanted to live together for a bit before we officially got married so we could get things sorted but turns out the best course of action is to get a fiancé/marriage visa as we are exempt from the financial requirements due to his disability/how long we've been together and just have to take another big leap. After so many years we know we want to be together so we are happily moving ahead. I'm currently in Canada working hard/saving money, about to be quitting my job of 4 years, am in mid Visa process and am only 2 months away from moving. Thankfully, I have all our October small budget wedding plans in place, right down to the tealights, and just have to basically show up!

The true hardest part has been the conflicting realization that I'll be leaving my friends and family but finally starting a whole new chapter with the man Ive loved from afar since my early 20's, and ironically this October is also my 30th, so in the end we kept our promise.

For those of you who have done the same and settled together after moving abroad:

Does the grieving my old life go away once I'm there with time? Don't get me wrong, i'm ecstatic to be finally be able to start sharing a life with my SO and have been dreaming of it for years, but know I will miss the day to day I know now.. have anyone else felt this?

Does anyone find they loose relationships back home or does the distance give more reason to be in touch with family and friends?

Is there any UK marriage visa advise anyone can give at all? Our lawyer says once the fiancé visa is granted it's straight forward with the marriage visa? Is this a true statement based on your experience?

Thank you all to who read all that, any and all thoughts and advice are appreciated! ✌️💕

Jennifer

[CanadianGirl]

Welcome to LFAD and congratulations on the move!!

I feel like how you handle the relocation really depends. I've always been moving around, so I'm okay with being away from home and my family is used to keeping in touch via Skype/phone/e-mails. My sister and closest friends are especially used to being together while apart, so that helps a lot. Also just signed myself up on meetup.com to hopefully make a few Canadian friends while I'm down here. You'd probably have no trouble finding some Canadians over in the UK as well. I mostly want someone to talk to about how cool it is to live in California all of a sudden, but maybe also find some people to chat with about tax stuff, travel advice etc.

I'm sure you'll also be busy with visa details and setting up your new life for at least the first month or two, so you might not even have time to miss home right away!

[lucybelle]

My experience of living abroad goes like this:

1. The first few weeks are hard. You miss family and can't believe you really moved away.
2. The next few months to a year are amazing. Everything is new. It's fun. While there might be a day or two of homesickness, for the most part you're loving it.
3. After a year or so it starts to suck. You start to compare things too often. You miss things the way they "should" be. You hit a wall.
4. Once you get over that hump (for me it was after about two years or so) you start to feel like your new location is your home. Things aren't "new" anymore, instead they're just the way they are. You fall into a routine (not a bad thing) and your "life abroad" becomes your "life".

Best wishes!

[80anthea]

Is there any UK marriage visa advise anyone can give at all? Our lawyer says once the fiancé visa is granted it's straight forward with the marriage visa? Is this a true statement based on your experience?

Thank you all to who read all that, any and all thoughts and advice are appreciated! ✌️��

Jennifer

I've heard/read the same thing aboutthe marriage visa. The tricky bit seems to be getting the fiance part in the first place.

There's someone else on here but she doesn't come on that much anymore (leonfansgirl) who lives in the Midlands and her husband is Canadian. You could always message her as she might live quite close to where your SO is.

[flugelhorn]

What a great story, thanks for sharing. I'm Canadian and my SO was English. I lived in the UK for 2.5 years total. He moved to Canada with me but really disliked living here, and we ended our four year relationship very recently (not trying to make this all doom and gloom, just trying to tell the back story).

Here's my experience with living in the UK, although I didn't settle there for good...

Eventually, it will feel like your home is in two places. Even now that I'm back in Canada and know that I won't probably ever live in the UK again, part of my heart will always be there. You'll be really welcomed in the UK - everyone loves Canadians. I think the whole time I lived there only one person insulted Canada to my face.

In the UK they speak the same language but some things will sound so foreign - even after 2.5 years there some of the cultural references threw me off! But it's a great place to live - I do miss the culture, scenery, pubs, public transit, cheap mobile phones, and sausages (honestly!). I wish I had lived somewhere other than London. It's a great city but I just couldn't see myself settling there.

Try not to think of it as two sides of a coin: the old life and the new life. Also, try not to think which is "better" and which is "worse." Just think of things as "different." This is very hard, and you will constantly compare. But soon you'll figure out how things work, and life in the UK will be the new "normal." In some ways I feel like as soon as I felt settled there, I had to leave (as my visa expired).

In terms of the day to day, that can be a hard adjustment. Everything you know has been thrown out the window. You want to talk to your friends, but time zones get in the way. Even things you thought you knew like banking and grocery shopping you'll have to learn again. I would say set goals for yourself: join Meetup groups to make new friends, explore your neighbourhood and surroundings, maybe in 2-3 months plan a small trip so when you get back, you'll have that feeling of coming home to your new home. What CanadianGirl said is true, the first few weeks will feel exciting, and you'll be excited by all the possibilities. Don't forget that many people wouldn't have the courage to do what you are doing (Canadians seem really adverse to moving abroad, when I told people what I was doing their reaction was generally "but why?!").

Distance did not loosen any of my primary relationships, I still have all the same friends as when I left. Many came to visit, which was nice. I Skyped my family every week for the first year I was there. After that, life just seemed to get in the way! But we still spoke very often. Technology makes the distance feel not so far!

Alright I'm rambling on a bit. Best of luck to you and your partner. You seem like a very optimistic and hard working person, and I think that will get you very far.

[Zenobie]

Thanks so much for all the replies, it really helps to know I'm not paranoid right now and there is a a bit of a struggle to face. I'm generally very positive about most things but knowing what to expect really helps keep perspective.

Thanks again x

[Zenobie]

So I Had my biometrics appointment today and thought I'd share my experience/give an update to things..

I Was feeling really great about everytging, found my way to the UK Visa office in Vancouver just fine, was all dressed up and confident and thought we had our ducks in a row and sorted everything ..but then she asks for my IHS number.. And I'm like what's that? Like the NHS? and she's like yes your immigration health insurance number.. I immediately proceed to tell them I wasn't aware of it needing to be done til after our wedding and that it wasn't on the application form, she tells me it was and my lawyer did it wrong and that I have to come back and my appointment etc will be postponed.. I argue everything I know about my visa and that I'm not leaving til they take my details and accept my paperwork. Only then she tells me it's a recent change and that if I sign in to my app I can redo it etc, I explain for the third time that my lawyer did it on their account and I can't login or change anything. In the midst of this I panic text my fiancé Jack and he's registering me online and using my info to link it to my visa app etc and the systems saying there's no need to continue etc because it doesn't apply to my visa type and they are tell me in the end that I have to sign a waiver and they will submit things as they are and I don't get a refund etc etc.. Was a very stressful day but glad I stuck to my guns.. Thanks for the support everyone!! 💕

[80anthea]

I noticed this new IHS thing when I was the website the other day. So, you don't need it for the fiance visa but you update to it when you get married? From what I read you had to pay the health charge for the fiance one too. I wish they wouldn't keep changing things!!

[differentcountries]

My experience of living abroad goes like this:

1. The first few weeks are hard. You miss family and can't believe you really moved away.
2. The next few months to a year are amazing. Everything is new. It's fun. While there might be a day or two of homesickness, for the most part you're loving it.
3. After a year or so it starts to suck. You start to compare things too often. You miss things the way they "should" be. You hit a wall.
4. Once you get over that hump (for me it was after about two years or so) you start to feel like your new location is your home. Things aren't "new" anymore, instead they're just the way they are. You fall into a routine (not a bad thing) and your "life abroad" becomes your "life".

Best wishes!

I have not actually lived abroad but over nearly two years I have spent lots of time in my SOs country and my experience is pretty much like lucybelle lists. It is scary, then fun and exiting, then ordinary, then a bit boring and you start to think about how your own country is better in some ways and then it is normal, just your life really.

I find that the major obstickle is language, getting a real social network (that doesn't all consist of your countrymen or SOs friends) and getting enough meningsfull things to do. I now feel that his country and town is very "ordinary" to me and like my 2nd home. But I struggle sometimes because although I know how to keep active, study and be a housewife and take care of our cat, I need more. I just visited a month and that is about the time I can handle not having a job to go to, seeing people I could be friends with and dealing with the language without having access to a language class. I know that if I stayed longer, I would enroll in a language class, found the nearest yoga class, possably found a job where my language skills would suffice or if not possible at that point at least get involved in volulentary work locally. I would have to create my own life much more independent of him. I have moved before and so I would do the things I do to build up a life, fix things practically and throw yourself out there to meet new people.

[Zenobie]

I noticed this new IHS thing when I was the website the other day. So, you don't need it for the fiance visa but you update to it when you get married? From what I read you had to pay the health charge for the fiance one too. I wish they wouldn't keep changing things!!

That's why we broke down and hired a lawyer and now it still might be wrong I looked to and found a bit where if it's 6 months or less you don't pay and the one I'm trying to get is 6 months.. Fingers crossed I guess..it's another £600 and massive delays if it is needed.. Think they would give notice better of upcoming change instead of after the fact.. Especially considering how much money we have to pay

[Zenobie]

I have not actually lived abroad but over nearly two years I have spent lots of time in my SOs country and my experience is pretty much like lucybelle lists. It is scary, then fun and exiting, then ordinary, then a bit boring and you start to think about how your own country is better in some ways and then it is normal, just your life really.

I find that the major obstickle is language, getting a real social network (that doesn't all consist of your countrymen or SOs friends) and getting enough meningsfull things to do. I now feel that his country and town is very "ordinary" to me and like my 2nd home. But I struggle sometimes because although I know how to keep active, study and be a housewife and take care of our cat, I need more. I just visited a month and that is about the time I can handle not having a job to go to, seeing people I could be friends with and dealing with the language without having access to a language class. I know that if I stayed longer, I would enroll in a language class, found the nearest yoga class, possably found a job where my language skills would suffice or if not possible at that point at least get involved in volulentary work locally. I would have to create my own life much more independent of him. I have moved before and so I would do the things I do to build up a life, fix things practically and throw yourself out there to meet new people.

Since I have been visiting my SO for 8 years I have felt over the years that it has become my second home which makes everything a lot easier but every time I was counting and dreading the days til I had to go home, and the counting again when I got home as to when I'll go back, often not knowing when til a few months before.. The difference now is I get to stay and it's just so surreal in a way, but amazing that's it's finally happening and I guess it's just that grieving process of what I'm leaving behind and such

[differentcountries]

Since I have been visiting my SO for 8 years I have felt over the years that it has become my second home which makes everything a lot easier but every time I was counting and dreading the days til I had to go home, and the counting again when I got home as to when I'll go back, often not knowing when til a few months before.. The difference now is I get to stay and it's just so surreal in a way, but amazing that's it's finally happening and I guess it's just that grieving process of what I'm leaving behind and such

I feel you. I have thought so many times if I will move to him permanently but it is not easy getting a job there unless you know the language or/and can offer something the locals can't (or I opted for being employed in some of the Norwegian busnisses operating there). I would love to stay in his country, frankly the climate would suit me a lot more. But they earn much less there , and worker 's rights are crap ,which is why I have not seriously considered it I guess (exept from university ,but again, I have only 1 year of Turkish studies behind me). We are considering him coming to work here and I guess either way it is a grieving process. But in his case most his co-workers of 7 years were not rehired including his best friend (who most likely will move here) and I guess it is sort of helps that things are not stable on his side.

[Zenobie]

I feel you. I have thought so many times if I will move to him permanently but it is not easy getting a job there unless you know the language or/and can offer something the locals can't (or I opted for being employed in some of the Norwegian busnisses operating there). I would love to stay in his country, frankly the climate would suit me a lot more. But they earn much less there , and worker 's rights are crap ,which is why I have not seriously considered it I guess (exept from university ,but again, I have only 1 year of Turkish studies behind me). We are considering him coming to work here and I guess either way it is a grieving process. But in his case most his co-workers of 7 years were not rehired including his best friend (who most likely will move here) and I guess it is sort of helps that things are not stable on his side.

I feel you too! Lol! part of the reason it's been 8 years is because I've tried the get a job route many times, even purposely finding a company in my town in Canada that was also international, turns out even after 4 years working for them, any jobs they have in the UK are IT development etc and I'm more admin and business so yea, don't fill the void, but after 8 years we know we want to be together so in the end getting married was just the best choice for us and my life is easier to leave than his/I like the UK anyway.

Good luck I hope you can work something out!