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Wedding is in 2 Weeks and looking for support

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    Wedding is in 2 Weeks and looking for support

    My fiance and I are getting married in Ohio in less than two weeks and we are both miserable with our situation. I am really looking for support or words of wisdom from people who have experienced something like this before.

    We are both very much in love and confident in getting married. I am a teacher in Ohio and he is working for the government in California. I want to be in Ohio and he wants to be in California, but being together is our end goal. We have decided together that his career is more important to him than to me, and location is more important to me than to him, so we have been trying to get him a great job where I want to live if we can. Career and location though are very important to both of us. Anyway, he got a lead for a federal job in Ohio last fall and the process moved incredibly slowly. There were lots of good signs though and he was referred to D.C. for approval, so we decided to bank on him getting it (or something else in Ohio). I took a teaching job in Ohio in May and am contracted there through next June. (I moved within the state in order to be near all of the federal jobs for him.) We just found out today, less than 2 weeks before our wedding, that someone else was offered the federal position he had been referred for. He was encouraged to reapply for an opening they expect in the fall, and has a few other small leads at other agencies, but both of us are feeling very dejected and depressed about the prospect of going into another year of long distance, especially our first year of marriage and with me being 30 and running out of time to have kids. (And wanting a year of chill time together before even thinking about kids, honestly!)

    Lots of people have been surprised that I didn't just ditch Ohio for California. My family and friends are here though, cost of living is lower, and I have a photography business that would be largely lost upon moving. His mother is also pretty overbearing, and I would prefer to have distance. We have been saying lately that our plan was that we'd give him a year to find something in Ohio and if he doesn't, I'll go there next spring. Which is ok, but we are just really feeling burned out after 2 years straight of long distance and after 8 months hoping he would get this job in Ohio. With our wedding coming up soon, that makes it even worse. I'm so tempted to just break my contract and move out there, giving up on everything here, but it would mean I could likely never teach in Ohio again, I would burn bridges with one of the best school districts in the country, and then if he did get an offer somehow here I'd feel terrible. I also half wish we could put off our wedding for a year, but at this point everything has been paid for so that's not really practical at this point.

    I'd really appreciate any thoughts or support from people who have been down a similar path. My fiance and I are so right for each other and we visit often, but we are just at our wits end with not living together.

    #2
    I can relate to this more than you know. PM me if you want to talk. At least it's better than not being together at all and having to break up. I know it's hard but remember short term pain for long term gains! Don't risk burning bridges as like you said, you may very well need them in the future. You have your wedding and honeymoon to look forward to for now. I know it's hard but as long as your SO is still applying for positions there is always hope.

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      #3
      My fiancé has an amazing job in NY. He makes a ton of money, and has been trying to transfer here for the last year. Unfortunately, nothing within his company has become available. We were planning to get married in September, and he was actively looking for NEW jobs within his industry, when he landed a major deal which made him a superstar at work. If he leaves his company now, either as a transfer within his company or to another company, he will lose a $50,000 bonus! He has since landed ANOTHER amazing deal, which will get him another $50,000 bonus. Obviously he can not leave and leave all this money on the table. That made me decide to put the wedding off until sometime next year. I don't want to be married to a man who isn't here. However, we still plan to marry in the long run, and currently he lives here Friday-Monday. It's isn't ideal, but it's what we have. Ca and Oh aren't that far apart. Can't you fly to each other every weekend? Or at least every other weekend? I understand your frustration, but at least you have a man who adores you, even of he isn't right next to you. Congratulations on the wedding! Wishing you a lifetime of happiness!
      sigpic

      I love him. Forever. And every day after that.

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        #4
        Thanks so much for the support! I'm feeling a lot of pressure from his friend and family circle to break my contract and move out there, but I feel like there might still be a chance for him to get a position here. The idea of moving out there (where school starts in 3 weeks generally!) and dealing with that during our wedding week and the week after also really would cause great anxiety.

        I already gave up my dream job to move to a city in Ohio with lots of federal job options for him, and I am afraid I would be resentful if I ended up with a huge black mark on my resume to move to California before we know that he is definitely unable to find anything here. We are just both really feeling down, and these are supposed to be such happy weeks leading up to our wedding. :/

        We fly out to visit every month or so, but neither of us makes a ton of money since we both have public sector jobs, plus we are trying to save up for a house. As a teacher it's also really hard to take days off, since having subs is very chaotic. We will try to visit each other as much as we can but it isn't the same.

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          #5
          Originally posted by saffiresblue View Post
          Thanks so much for the support! I'm feeling a lot of pressure from his friend and family circle to break my contract and move out there, but I feel like there might still be a chance for him to get a position here. The idea of moving out there (where school starts in 3 weeks generally!) and dealing with that during our wedding week and the week after also really would cause great anxiety.

          I already gave up my dream job to move to a city in Ohio with lots of federal job options for him, and I am afraid I would be resentful if I ended up with a huge black mark on my resume to move to California before we know that he is definitely unable to find anything here. We are just both really feeling down, and these are supposed to be such happy weeks leading up to our wedding. :/

          We fly out to visit every month or so, but neither of us makes a ton of money since we both have public sector jobs, plus we are trying to save up for a house. As a teacher it's also really hard to take days off, since having subs is very chaotic. We will try to visit each other as much as we can but it isn't the same.
          What kind of relationship do you have with your principal? If you present your case to the principal asap, he/she might be understanding and not hold it against you since there is time to find another teacher. If that fails, one more year of distance isn't all that bad; it's tough and not ideal but you can do it!

          Try to focus on the positives!

          ((Hugs))
          Last edited by Petals; July 14, 2015, 10:18 PM.
          Met Online : July 2013
          Met in person : April - May 2014 (3 wks)
          2nd visit : June - August 2014 (2 months)
          3rd visit : December - Jan (2wks)
          Proposal : December 2014
          Closed distance : February 2015
          Married : April 5, 2015


          Comment


            #6
            I had the same situation as you. I literally had to explain to a lot of higher hats in my management because they took a chance on me and pick me to relocate as an expat. In the end, people do appreciate the honesty and I guess any bosses would prefer happy employees than a grumpy one.

            Talk to your principle and see if you can work out something with him/her, maybe you can refer someone good to the school so as not to leave your principle in dire straits, maybe you can shorten your contract to 6 months instead of a full year, giving them enough time to look for someone else.

            Ultimately whether you move to California or he to Ohio, try to see it as an opportunity to start something new, on a clean slate. Bring the positive feelings over, you are getting married!!! You are starting a new life, a new adventure together.

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              #7
              Even of you have to stay the school year.....you can DO this! Teachers get great vacations. You can go to him thanksgiving, Christmas, winter break, spring break, and all the other lovely days off! And, you only have a ten month contract! Totally doable! We will help you through it!
              sigpic

              I love him. Forever. And every day after that.

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by TaraMarie View Post
                Even of you have to stay the school year.....you can DO this! Teachers get great vacations. You can go to him thanksgiving, Christmas, winter break, spring break, and all the other lovely days off! And, you only have a ten month contract! Totally doable! We will help you through it!
                Lol at the other lovely days off! Teacher Work Days are not holidays as you need to be at seminars/staff development (or lose pay/accreditation credits) especially the mandatory ones. Also, depending if you are a high school or elementary teacher, (and how passionate you are and size of your classes) you have to use some of those holidays for planning, grading etc. There's gross misconception regarding how many days off/holidays teachers get...especially in the US. Thanksgiving is a few days - about 3; Christmas is about 10 days - great! (Winter break? lol this isn't separate from Christmas); Spring break - 1 week (great).

                With that said : it's doable!
                Met Online : July 2013
                Met in person : April - May 2014 (3 wks)
                2nd visit : June - August 2014 (2 months)
                3rd visit : December - Jan (2wks)
                Proposal : December 2014
                Closed distance : February 2015
                Married : April 5, 2015


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