How different is it?

[Alyhere]

I've been thinking more and more about closing the distance, and even though I know it won't be for around a year, I hope it will be soon after and I'm looking forward to it so much.
The thing is, I spoke to my boyfriend in our last visit and we were talking about how things would be. He said that since all we've ever had was distance and visits he only knows us at a lack of contact and intense contact, and he worries that the intensity might stay if we were together, in which case it would be too much for him. I always assumed that being close would get rid of that intensity and the need to be with each other so much because there wouldn't be a time limit on it.

So my questions are to couples who closed the distance already, does it suddenly become more casual? does it change the way the relationship works? are there things you didn't expect or thing of that you found out were there?

Also since we've started thinking about all this we also though maybe for me to do an internship of some sort there so that we could spend a few months together, without fully moving yet, think it would be a good idea, to get a glimpse into what being together for more than a week and a half is?

[R&R]

I closed the distance with my now ex-husband in 2008. We had only had 4 in person visits before the move. The intensity did decrease for us but not in a bad way. Once you get over the "wow, I don't have to leave" feeling, things really settled down. I started a job. Real life settled in - grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, paying bills, going to work, housework, getting the kids to and from school, etc. We did go on day trips and enjoyed being together but we settled into a routine quite easily.

What broke us was my two daughters decided they couldn't move to CA to be with me after the first year like they had planned. I just couldn't be away from them any longer and I was dreadfully homesick. My ex is a wonderful man and any woman would be lucky to have him as their SO. It just didn't work out for us. Don't let me saying my "ex" be any sort of discouragement.

[Alyhere]

I'm sorry to hear things had to end over technicalities, it was something I always found heartbreaking.

I am very glad to hear after you moved you settled into 'normal life' though, I was beginning to worry that after being used to have the relationship in a certain way, we just might not be able to live not far away or that it would be so different it wouldn't be us anymore. I'm not sure how rational my (many) worries are though, thanks

[differentcountries]

We have not closed the distace, but since we share a flat, a cat and a mostly "ordinary" life on visits (we have had 16 visits so far), I don't think the difference will be too big when we do. I already do the grocery shopping, the cleaning, I take out bugs and leaves from the cat's fur with a special spray, I get annoyed because SO smokes in the bathroom and leaves his shoes on the living room floor. I have lived with him 3-4 weeks on 3 occations. I have met a whole variety of his friends and family. I have sat in que in the bank to pay electricity bills by cash (they don't accept cards). I have gone to the markets and to the butcher. I do the laundry almost every day I am there (especially in summer we sweat a lot). We cook dinners. He works and I have my studies. I know his flaws and his perks. I am no longer OMG in love with him but I love him and he is worth the extra mile no matter where will live. The biggest difference if either of us moved would be dealing with the language.

[snow_girl]

My SO and I moved in together a month ago. Its a big adjustment from seeing each other because we want to, to being in the same house and not necessarily needing to spend time together. I'm not quire used to that yet and still want to spend all the time with him and he needs some space to himself and I'm not used to that yet, and am having a bit of a hard time with it. We are comfortable with each other and are trying to have weekly date nights as sometimes our schedules are completely opposite and I can go a few days with only seeing him as I crawl into bed from a night shift and by the time I wake up he has gone to work. Things change and the intensity and initial butterflies go away, but I'm glad we can be ourselves around each other and even if he doesn't put his dishes away I am looking forward to working out those initial kinks of adjusting to close distance and getting into a routine.

[CanadianGirl]

We just recently closed the distance and while the first weeks together were intense, we've transitioned into a regular relationship pretty easily. When you're visiting, you don't worry so much about the budget, the bills, work and so on, and you can focus on enjoying each other while possible. Now that we live together, we still enjoy each other as much as possible, but we have other things to attend to first and we know there's always tomorrow. Settling in just happens without you even realizing, so don't worry too much.

We've definitely changed as a couple, but almost nothing negative. We do pick fights more often, but we're both opinionated and a little hot-headed, so I saw it coming. Conflict resolution is sort of an art and I'd say we're getting better each time.

We had many 2 week visits over 5 years, but two of them were a month long and I feel like those really helped us iron out some things. I got to wrap my head around living away from home to be with him and we learned about each other's habits. If you can arrange an internship/job/volunteering, it's totally worth it for personal growth as well as your relationship. Definitely a good idea.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I don't know if I qualify to answer this as we were CD for 6 months before we became LD. However, I also lived with my SO for 6 months after we were LD, so I feel like I know what I'm talking about a little. In my opinion, every single visit is an adjustment. It is crazy hard to go from LD to CD and be constantly in each other's presence for an extended period of time. For me, short visits were definitely closer to a "breaking point" in my relationship than living together ever was because we had our own lives. Yes, you may spend a lot of time together, but you also have the opportunity to live your own life separate from each other which makes a big difference in how you interpret your relationship. With that being said, it is always an adjustments when you move in with each other whether you were CD or not. I would strongly suggest getting an internship there if you are able to. You may be able to learn about someone in short visits and skype sessions, but it's nothing like what you learn when you fall asleep next to them every night and have no choice but to face problems that may come up together. Either it will break your relationship or you'll end the experience knowing that they are the one for you and that you have no doubt in your mind that you will do anything to be with them. Either way, you'll learn a ton of important things about your SO that will make the choice easy in the future.

[snow_girl]

When you're visiting, you don't worry so much about the budget, the bills, work and so on, and you can focus on enjoying each other while possible. .

We ate out all the time when he was in town cause we didnt' want to take up my parents kitchen. We've been trying to meal prep weekly but neither of us like cooking, we've been fighting the urge to just go out but that crap adds up so fast now that we have bills and all that to pay

[CanadianGirl]

We ate out all the time when he was in town cause we didnt' want to take up my parents kitchen. We've been trying to meal prep weekly but neither of us like cooking, we've been fighting the urge to just go out but that crap adds up so fast now that we have bills and all that to pay

Yeah, the kitchen situation wasn't ideal for us either before we got our place. Plus, it was so freaking hard to waste time cooking during visits. So cash-strapped right now though, waiting on my work authorization, so we have no choice but to cook. We tend to cook in bigger batches like 3 times a week, leftovers for all the other days. This stuff definitely snapped us out of that LDR visit madness..

[Alyhere]

I definitely understand the kitchen situation, we cook maybe once every visit and go out pretty often. But we're also very different with our diets (mostly because I am very picky) so cooking means cooking 2 separate meals lol

[snow]

In the beginning it's intense, because you haven't seen them for a while and now you get to be together indefinitely, but for the first couple of months I always had the feeling of "soon I will have to leave again". That went away and now we're just comfortable with each other.

Responsibilities will force you to settle in a routine and there was lots and lots of talks about boundaries that we both had to set very quickly after moving in together, because there is, for example, things I like to do in my mornings and things he likes to do when he gets up and they don't actually match up, but if you're both willing to work through those boundaries and respect the other person's personal space, you'll be okay.

[R&R]

Yeah, the kitchen situation wasn't ideal for us either before we got our place. Plus, it was so freaking hard to waste time cooking during visits. So cash-strapped right now though, waiting on my work authorization, so we have no choice but to cook. We tend to cook in bigger batches like 3 times a week, leftovers for all the other days. This stuff definitely snapped us out of that LDR visit madness..

Maybe it's an age thing or because I love cooking but I always try to get a place where it has a kitchen so I can cook. The last 2 visits and this next one coming up I rented condos for the week. We'll eat out once or twice but I love making him things he's never had before. He loves to cook as well, so he'll make some of the meals. Last visit he worked the whole time and commented how much he liked coming "home" to his dinner waiting for him.

[differentcountries]

I love to cook too. Maybe it is an age thing because a food processor was the very first thing I treated myself to when I moved out at 19 and my one complaint about hotel rooms is you can't cook there. SO and I also have several kitchen machines that we use to make food and drinks. We have a joke that one day we will start a restaurant! When I have spare time I cook for friends and family a lot, and I also make food for charity. Food is a little bit like our baby. I sometimes make up new dishes. Last visit I made him bernaise sauce from scratch, and I hope to learn to cook special Turkish food.

We don't fight over daily habits as we are both rather flexible people and I agree to eat mostly Turkish food, but it has been interesting to slowly discover how different we are when it comes to dealing with emotions and boundries. I think he is very corragious because he lets himself be constantly challenged by me. He allows me to critisize him a lot because he trusts me and my intentions. I think I am a rather demanding person to live with but he seems to mostly like it.

[snow]

On the topic of cooking and making food, make sure you talk about how you will handle money and chores BEFORE you move in together so there is no rude awakening. How you deal with money and chores are things that you guys will have to figure out on your own, because every couple does it differently and you both have to feel comfortable with it.

For example, we decided that while I don't have a job, I would do the chores so I would pull my weight, now that I work more hours than my husband, we had to put up a chore sheet for doing the dishes and taking out the trash so that it's not just me anymore (we share the apartment with his sister and husband). I cook food in the afternoon after I come home and he warms up my food before I come home.
We have a joint bank account that we both can access (once my debit card arrives here) and we talk about expenses that are more than 20$ before we make them, but that's something WE feel comfortable with, it might not work for you.

[R&R]

On the topic of cooking and making food, make sure you talk about how you will handle money and chores BEFORE you move in together so there is no rude awakening. How you deal with money and chores are things that you guys will have to figure out on your own, because every couple does it differently and you both have to feel comfortable with it.

For example, we decided that while I don't have a job, I would do the chores so I would pull my weight, now that I work more hours than my husband, we had to put up a chore sheet for doing the dishes and taking out the trash so that it's not just me anymore (we share the apartment with his sister and husband). I cook food in the afternoon after I come home and he warms up my food before I come home.
We have a joint bank account that we both can access (once my debit card arrives here) and we talk about expenses that are more than 20$ before we make them, but that's something WE feel comfortable with, it might not work for you.

This is great advice. As sexist as this may sound, when I closed the distance with my ex, we decided I dealt with most of the indoor chores (dishes, laundry cleaning) and he handled all the outdoor items plus the trash. I'm very particular about how my house is kept, so I prefer to do the indoor things. This will be the same with my current SO.

Definitely also discuss money. We kept our separate accounts as we each had many of our own bills. I took over groceries when I moved in and he kept handle on all of his other bills (mortgage, utilities, etc). I was paying out $550 a month in child support plus paying for all of their flights, so we decided that I didn't pay anything else.
With my current SO, finances will be handled differently. I will be handling all the finances - his, mine, his business and ours jointly. I'm very good with money and him, well not so much. There is no child support to be paid anymore but there are a lot of other things that will come with handling business accounts.