It's never easy: from Germany to Japan

[aoitori]

So I'm not closing the distance just yet, well not for sure at least, but since this will become a topic for us soon, I thought I'd open up a forum topic to stay sane in the process and maybe receive some supportive words.

I had a small fight with my SO today. We have never really fought, so this is something completely new to me. I'm gonna graduate soon (I'm so burnt out and stressed because of my thesis.... damn) and so I'm planning to move to his place and get a flat together. However, I don't want to move without finding work (I need a visa anyway, it won't work without that) and I've been sending out applications for months now until I got too busy with my thesis. So before, there was still hope that we could get together in September, but it got more and more impossible because I didn't find a job yet. So we were still talking about september and I refused to say it was impossible, but I knew it's probably not doable. I thought he knew that saying september was just trying to stay positive and not wanting to give up the idea of being together as soon as possible, but he must've realized that only today and instead he said I should've told him earlier that it was impossible. I think he was just super excited for us to be together so soon and now it changed to disappointment. I apologized and said that I just wanted to hope that we could be together this soon, that's why I didn't say the truth. He put so much pressure on me today regarding the job search, I got so scared because for a second it sounded like an ultimatum, but we talked it out and he said he would wait no matter how long, but of course he would like that we could get together as soon as possible. The thing with LDR is, that you can only talk and after some time talk without action (I actedd, but it was fruitless) will sound cheap. We trust each other but it's just tiring. I need to start my job search as soon as I'm done with the thesis.......

[C.C.]

It sounds like his expectations were risen up and then shattered altogether. I always hate when it happens in my case. The way I work, I am always hopeful and try to stay positive and at the same time I try not to have any expectations and try to get ready for worst, so that if it really doesn't work out I am not as hurt. So for some reason someone giving me false hopes, even if that kind of optimism actually works for THEM, makes me feel awful.
So I kind of understand him. But doesn't sound like anything serious, LDR stress is getting to him as well.
Just try to let him know realistic approach in any case and to avoid giving him hopes, but well you'll know all that anyway.

Hang in there with the upcoming stress and best of luck :3

[aoitori]

Thank you C.C.!

Yeah I partly didn't want to believe it and partly didn't want to disappoint him. I had said, that I can't promise that september will work. So I thought he knew it was not really a sure thing, but apparently his hopes for september were higher than mine. I know that now and will talk about these things early on instead of giving wrong expectations. I don't want to see him unhappy. He's the greatest guy I know and I don't want to disappoint him.

[WarwickGuy]

Best of luck with your thesis! I'm near the end of my dissertation and I'll be thankful to be rid of it soon. Keep on going and the stress will melt away soon enough!

It's hard to balance studying and sorting out a job/visa/moving abroad, so your SO will have to understand this, even if you don't want him to be unhappy. I'm sure you're unhappy too that you're not going yet and together you can support one another as you work towards closing the distance.

On an optimistic note, these things can come together very quickly and after you start job searching again you could quickly go from interview to organising a flight to Japan.

[aoitori]

Thank you WarwickGuy! It's just so good to read some encouraging words. Best of luck with your dissertation as well! Let's party once it's over *whoop whoop* haha

He understands. He even apologized bringing stuff like this up when he knows I'm stressed. I said that to him of course, that I'm in the same situation as him and want to get together as fast as possible, but it just takes time. We've had some talks about how I handle my job applications. I gotta say, Japanese job market is hell and he sees it from a Japanese perspective, while I see it from a German one. I want to work for a German company, which is simply different from Japanese companies. The perspective is simply different, also because he has more experience with job search, and I think for him it seems like I'm not trying hard enough.

I also think this is a huge chance that I'm right now at this turning point and we can maybe close the distance within the first year already!

[C.C.]

You two seem like such a mature couple, I envy it sometimes

I don't even think there's much advice to give here, it seems like you are handling it well enough already. Well I mean relationship matters, studying and work related stress will not really go away, anyway.

[aoitori]

Haha, we're so silly all the time, but we both know what we want and take this relationship very seriously. So the silly switch goes off when we're talking about our plans.

I really just wanted to use this topic here to write down what's on my mind to be able to handle it better. It's really just about getting some supportive words and I'm really thankful for replies. It's just all a little much right now and I want to use this topic to get away from the stress.

[WarwickGuy]

That's alright. Wohoo, party! Although I'll probably fall asleep halfway through the night haha.

It's good you have your SO to work out how to enter the Japanese job market Very exciting if you might be able to close the distance still!