When it's time to let go...

[OtantikTin]

I don't know where to post this. Since me and my bf are no longer long distance. In fact, we've been officially living together for 1 month. We were seeing eachother everyday prior to that but something he bought made a major change in our relationship health.

His 2k gaming computer.

Before that, we used to game together with him on his laptop, me on the Xbox or both of us on laptops snuggled to each other. Now he's in his own room, and I'm in mine with the Xbox, and he wears his headset at all times. I feel so left out. He streams video games and has become more popular than I thought he would ever be in 1 month. His Twitch channel passes 1st in his life, it's the only thing that matters since we moved out. I thought we would have fun working around the house, doing things together and laugh like we used to at our parents, but no. He is at the computer every moment of the day and the evening. (he works mostly on weekends and I work full weeks so..) when I come home, he barely looks at me to say hi, he just goes on with his stream or whatever he is doing with his headphones on. I wanna cry. We just adopted a new rescue dog (we have 2 small dogs now) and I told him to take them out when I'm not there, but he doesn't. They have a pee pad so they can do their business there but I prefer when they only use it for emergencies. He feeds them and that's it.

I tried to talk him into it, many times. But he gets angry and says that if I'm not going to let him stream, I should just find someone else. Like what? We've been together almost 5 years and that's what you say? On sundays he is "off stream" but since he worked last weekend he came home so tired we just ordered some chinese food and we watched a series, silently. He wasn't in a good mood.. It seems like the only thing that makes him happy is Streaming, being on his computer. He is SO nice to his viewers, and about HALF as nice with me and his family. The other day his mom came for a visit and he didn't even remove his headphones.. He kept going with his stream and barely said hi to her.

He used to be so nice and kind, we used to do sports, gym, bicyle, walks together but this time is over. I need the strength to leave him, I am no longer happy; I was already worried about that before we even moved in and it turns out to be worse than I could have imagined.

This morning when I left for work and kissed him he looked at me with a sad face and said "Do you still love me?" I said "Yes, I love you" and I really do. But I can't imagine spending my life with someone who spends all of his days at the computer and forgetting life. He's always been like this and I realize it even more now that we live together.

I need to move on, to let go. We have fought so much in the past month and I cried so much. I need the strength to throw 5 years away, 5 years of good and less good memories. Help me.

[erwin1973]

Wow...
That is quite something that happens. Not even walking the dogs, not saying hi to mum or you? Mmm... I'd get pretty pi$$ed, too, I guess.

You know, it's hard, but it takes two to tango. If one doesn't...

But did you throw away 5 years? Or did you throw away a month? Keep the happy memories, learn from the bad ones. I think your title says it al: when it's time to go...

It might hurt, but hey, you'll find someone else. You deserve better than this, for sure!

Take a deep breath and choose what is best for you.

[OtantikTin]

Wow...
That is quite something that happens. Not even walking the dogs, not saying hi to mum or you? Mmm... I'd get pretty pi$$ed, too, I guess.

You know, it's hard, but it takes two to tango. If one doesn't...

But did you throw away 5 years? Or did you throw away a month? Keep the happy memories, learn from the bad ones. I think your title says it al: when it's time to go...

It might hurt, but hey, you'll find someone else. You deserve better than this, for sure!

Take a deep breath and choose what is best for you.

And he doesn't seem to get why I am pissed. I don't think I'm asking for much.

We have been together for almost five years, and living together for a month, but I could say we have been living together for longer than that, since we were with each other everyday at our parents.

I've had doubts over Christmas time, too. And it's coming back again. He doesn't seem to be willing to put the efforts.

[kittyo9]

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. On the one hand, he is an adult and he ultimately is the one who decides what he does with his time, but on the other hand, the relationship is clearly suffering because of it. You mention that you've tried to talk him "into it"-- I'm unclear on what "it" is. Is it walking the dog? Are you asking him to stop streaming altogether? I wouldn't think it unreasonable to ask him to cut back on his streaming hours or limit them to a regular schedule each day (for example, 12-4pm while you're at work or something to that effect). It sounds like he is kind of riding the wave of his popularity and afraid he'll lose momentum if he steps back from it at all.

I talked to my SO about this because I wanted a second opinion and we are also both gamers. He sympathizes with your SO but agrees that there needs to be some sort of compromise. Your SO clearly knows something is up, else he wouldn't have asked you whether you still loved him, but I'm unclear on whether you've expressed this problem to him and he's refused to cooperate or if you haven't really told him how his actions have affected you and those around him.

If you really are at the end of the road, though, and you feel like there is no coming back, I feel for you, really. I know what it's like to say goodbye to a 5 year relationship. You are so important, though, and you deserve to feel fulfilled in your relationship. Do you have friends or family nearby that you can lean on while you find a place of your own?

[OtantikTin]

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. On the one hand, he is an adult and he ultimately is the one who decides what he does with his time, but on the other hand, the relationship is clearly suffering because of it. You mention that you've tried to talk him "into it"-- I'm unclear on what "it" is. Is it walking the dog? Are you asking him to stop streaming altogether? I wouldn't think it unreasonable to ask him to cut back on his streaming hours or limit them to a regular schedule each day (for example, 12-4pm while you're at work or something to that effect). It sounds like he is kind of riding the wave of his popularity and afraid he'll lose momentum if he steps back from it at all.

I talked to my SO about this because I wanted a second opinion and we are also both gamers. He sympathizes with your SO but agrees that there needs to be some sort of compromise. Your SO clearly knows something is up, else he wouldn't have asked you whether you still loved him, but I'm unclear on whether you've expressed this problem to him and he's refused to cooperate or if you haven't really told him how his actions have affected you and those around him.

If you really are at the end of the road, though, and you feel like there is no coming back, I feel for you, really. I know what it's like to say goodbye to a 5 year relationship. You are so important, though, and you deserve to feel fulfilled in your relationship. Do you have friends or family nearby that you can lean on while you find a place of your own?

I spoke to him about the Streaming time. When I'm not home and at work he will Stream all day and not even take lunch breaks (eats in front of the computer and all). I feel this is kinda intense and not sane. I get that this can be fun and a passion of his.. But he needs to learn to have a life outside of it. He gave up working out- something we did together for the past years, and alot of the activities we used to do. Heck, he didn't even want to come see my family for easter. He changed his schedule of Streaming after I told him, but he is always adding one, two, three hours each day after I tell him, then it's like I said nothing at all. He wants to stream at night because he says it's the "best time to have views" he wants to stream in the morning because it's "the best time to have followers" he want's to stream 24/7. And do nothing else. Before streaming it was World Of Warcraft. It wasn't too bad because he didn't put a headset and and ignored me, and we were sitting next to eachother. Now it has just become too much. It feels like I am alone most of the time.

We have the rented house till june. Then I don't know. I have money and no problem to pay for a rent alone, I am independent financially. But I don't want to be alone. I want to be with him, but not what he has become. He is not kind anymore.

[erwin1973]

But I don't want to be alone.

But you are lonely... as it seems.

Better make up your mind. It seems to me - at this moment - you have what you don't want and can't have what you want... Look at yourself, what does hurt the most: go on alone and find someone else, or hang on in a situation with fights and lonelyness in a relationship...

[OtantikTin]

But you are lonely... as it seems.

Better make up your mind. It seems to me - at this moment - you have what you don't want and can't have what you want... Look at yourself, what does hurt the most: go on alone and find someone else, or hang on in a situation with fights and lonelyness in a relationship...

To be honest both seem to hurt just as much. But I think one will turn out to be a better choice in the end. People don't change, I want someone that has interest in doing stuff with me. Like he used to, but you know what scares me? HE WAS interested in doing a bunch of stuff with me back then, but it changed. Will it happen with another? What if I'm leaving for nothing?

[R&R]

It's a tough situation. You shouldn't feel like you are living alone when you are living with your SO. I would suggest a talk with him to make him understand the seriousness of this issue. Sometimes when you are in the midst of it, you don't realize how bad it is or how it's truly impacting those around you.

It may be a good idea for you to figure out exactly what you need to happen, come up with solutions as well as what the result will be if things don't change. It's not an untimatum, it's an end result of changes not being made. You have to be prepared to follow through with what you've said if he doesn't agree to make the changes or follow through with the changes.

It's hard when you've been with someone for so long. I did this off and on for 8 years with someone. In the end, he was never going to change. Even a year ago, we tried the friendship thing again but nothing had changed. It was hard when we ended it for good years ago, and by being in touch 9 years later and seeing he hadn't changed, it turned out it was the right thing. You can't tell the future and you can't live with "what-if's". You have to go by what is happening now and what the behavior is telling you after you have your talk.

[snow]

I'm married to a gamer as well and I demand to be greeted when I come home. He recently picked up playing DnD online again and for a good 3 weeks he would ignore me when I came home, but I told him that that's not how we are going to live our life together. I am his wife, he owes me that much. I don't need all his time and if he is busy playing a game online with his friends, a short acknowledgment is all I need.
Responsibilities have to be upheld as well. He is an adult and he cannot decide to neglect his girlfriend and dogs. There is simply no way to just not do it. As an adult, that is what you do and he needs to understand that as much as he cannot simply decide to not show up for work, he cannot simply decide to not walk the dogs or not talk to you or his family.

I understand that he "needs" to stream, but that comes after everything else is done.

[Sparkling72]

To be honest both seem to hurt just as much. But I think one will turn out to be a better choice in the end. People don't change, I want someone that has interest in doing stuff with me. Like he used to, but you know what scares me? HE WAS interested in doing a bunch of stuff with me back then, but it changed. Will it happen with another? What if I'm leaving for nothing?

It seems like his gaming issue has gone from bad to worse.... I get it that a new toy is fun to play with, and maybe the first week I could see letting him have his fun, but it seems like his fun is now an obsession. I put in bold that people don't change b/c that is true! If I were in your shoes, I would worry that if I sat him down and told him that if he didn't show change by the time the lease was up, I'd move out - I'd worry that he'd improve enough to make me stay and sign the new lease and go right back the way he was thinking "she can't leave me now, we signed another lease." Maybe your SO didn't "change" he just finally got comfortable enough to show you his real self. Addictions are addictions no matter what they are. My ex husband was very similar - we used to do so many awesome things together early in our relationship - things that made me fall in love and see a life together. We had a routine of things we'd do... bike rides, drives through the mountains, date night, dancing... it was great. Then one day I was getting ready to go out, and he hadn't budged from the couch. I asked "aren't we going out?" His reply was "no... we've been married long enough that I don't have to try to impress you anymore." That was after about a 18 month into our marriage. When I would tell him how unhappy I was, he got good at changing just enough, long enough to make me stay, then he'd go right back the way he was, and this cycle continued for 20 years.

I'm not saying your SO won't change... but I do know you have been upset about this for some time now and things don't seem to be improving. It would hurt me more to come home and be ignored. You shouldn't have to threaten to leave for him to change. He should WANT to choose you over his games, period!! You deserve happiness and you deserve someone who enjoys doing the things that you do. Yes, it's going to hurt like hell, but you have to put you first (and your puppies). Don't fear being alone b/c it sounds like you are already alone in this relationship. Try to imagine the relief you would feel coming home to your dogs every day, taking them for walks, and doing things you love - coming home to peace and independence, living on your terms without having to dread coming home, seeing him gaming and ignoring you.

[OtantikTin]

Thank you ALL for your great replies, I read all of them carefully and I thought about them all week.
We fought pretty much all week about it; he wants to do a job with streaming. He's been receiving donations lately and he realized he was good at it and wants to stick to a schedule.. I know what I'm gonna say is rude but I don't know how I'll ever be able to be proud of him doing that kind of job. To me it just feels like an excuse to play more and more.. He had so much ambition with his police career and he gave it all up. We're still together but the house is selling in june, and from there I will decide if we continue together or apart.. I have a friend that I could live with, and she accept dogs.

Try to imagine the relief you would feel coming home to your dogs every day, taking them for walks, and doing things you love - coming home to peace and independence, living on your terms without having to dread coming home, seeing him gaming and ignoring you.

This makes me both sad and happy to think about it. I tend to see breaking up/divorces as an enormous thing, and I'm really the kind of person that wants to be with the same person all my life. It breaks my heart to think that I might have to move on soon, but he's not gonna change. He told me he wanted to realize this streaming thing and for it to become serious.

I'm married to a gamer as well and I demand to be greeted when I come home. He recently picked up playing DnD online again and for a good 3 weeks he would ignore me when I came home, but I told him that that's not how we are going to live our life together. I am his wife, he owes me that much. I don't need all his time and if he is busy playing a game online with his friends, a short acknowledgment is all I need.
Responsibilities have to be upheld as well. He is an adult and he cannot decide to neglect his girlfriend and dogs. There is simply no way to just not do it. As an adult, that is what you do and he needs to understand that as much as he cannot simply decide to not show up for work, he cannot simply decide to not walk the dogs or not talk to you or his family.

I understand that he "needs" to stream, but that comes after everything else is done.

But how does it work? Does he stop when you come home or goes on till bed time? Does he takes the time to sit down and talk with you, or watch a movie with you, undistracted? Mine has a hard time not being distracted at all. He seems lost in his thoughts, or is checking his cellphone for other streamers to interact with.

[Karura]

Hello, I am a streamer on twitch and I'll like to share some things on my end too. First of all, I completely understand why you would be feeling this way, but let me tell you how things went for me when I first started streaming.

I started back in December and I would stream almost every single day (except Wednesdays), taking as much time from my free time to stream and when I started to gain a lot of followers and views, streaming became the only thing I saw and sometimes I wouldn't even sleep because those were the times where I would get most attention. Only a month later did I realize how much twitch was ruining my life. I was ignoring people that were important in my life, hobbies that used to make me happy didn't matter and my sleeping schedule was all over the place. I went out of my way to slowly reduce my hours of streaming to allow more free time and get my life back on track, as well as keep my schedule flexible. This change was done because I realized the effects streaming so much was causing in my life. I believe the fame is getting to your SO's head as it got to me back then, I no longer stream as much, especially when life gets busy with important matters that should be considered a priority, and I let my viewers know about it. I also know a couple of streamers who are married and they keep their life balanced. The one who streams the most does his best to follow the schedule and does not hesitate to leave a notice when he needs to spend time with his wife (nor does he stream every day). What a lot of streamers use is an app for PC called Discord, create a channel there and leave a link on their twitch page so that followers can join their discord channel and the streamer can announce when he streams, changes to schedule at the last minute and stay in contact with followers. Does he acknowledge you during a stream? I see my friend's wife pop up in the webcam from time to time and the followers all love to see the interaction between the couple. I think it's important to include a house partner if someone streams for long hours (otherwise just speak loud enough that it will show up on his stream haha).

In any case, your SO is letting himself get carried with this and I would not blame you if you decide to leave. My current boyfriend is also a streamer (though he seldom does it) and I would not tolerate him ignoring my presence in the house the way your SO is doing. He need to get a grip.

[snow]

But how does it work? Does he stop when you come home or goes on till bed time? Does he takes the time to sit down and talk with you, or watch a movie with you, undistracted? Mine has a hard time not being distracted at all. He seems lost in his thoughts, or is checking his cellphone for other streamers to interact with.

It's a compromise! When I come home, he will tell his buddies that he will be right back, I get my hug and kiss, we have a short conversation and he goes back to what he was doing - which is fine by me. If I want to watch a movie or talk to him, I let him know by tipping him on the shoulder and waiting until he mutes his mic. I know that he won't just stop right then and there to go watch a movie with me, so I always suggest to watch something later when he is done. He still sometimes gets distracted and forgets what we were supposed to do, so I just do the same spiel again and remind him that we had plans.

This only works because we had a serious talk about him not spending any time with me anymore and that he won't even greet me. I waited until we went to bed together because I knew I would have his undivided attention and then I simply brought up how I feel and that I need him to pay more attention to me - at that point he wasn't convinced he did anything wrong, so I turned the whole thing around and asked him how he would feel if he came home from work and I was on Skype with my sister and wouldn't even say hi to him at all, how would he feel? Would he like it if I spent all day with my siblings and if he wanted to do something with, me I would just shut him down?
At this point he agreed with me and said he saw my point.

What your SO needs right now is some tough love. He needs to see that you are not against him streaming at all, but that all things must come in moderation. Maybe he can stream while you're at work and when you come home you could have a meal together and talk or maybe once a week you could go to the gym together or for a walk. Small steps to get him out of this - it almost feels like an addiction and he won't reduce it or quit until he sees what's happening around him.

[Redheart14]

The advice here you've been given is great. I hope things work out, how are you feeling?

[OtantikTin]

Thank you all.
I am feeling better today, we had a big talk/argument friday and we had to take a choice - Wether we tried to compromise even more or gave up. And we tried to compromise. He agreed to reduce the streaming schedule to 5 times a week, and on thursdays and fridays it will be a day stream when I work. I understand that he has to stick to a schedule for success.. But I have a hard time understanding what is the whole point of this. I am into gaming, I play quite a bit too but I always give my bf the attention he needs. But that's often a guy problem, uh.

So most of the weekends will be for together time, and meals must be without cellphones. Still have to work on the cellphone at bed time but one thing at a time. u-u
Thank you all for your advice, I guess we are still giving it a go. We were not ready to throw 5 years out the window.