Family's reaction when hearing you'd be moving away

So Sam and I have been trying to figure out how he could move to Finland next summer and it kinda looks like the only way to do it would be me moving to England first.. for a year or so, because, well, Finland sucks, basically. Chances of him getting to stay here might be better if we'd lived together for a while (to be able to prove that our relationship is on a solid ground and yada yada -.-) before him moving here and the only reasonable way of doing that seems to be me moving to England.

We could try him moving here and see if we were lucky enough and he'd get the permit to stay but from what I’ve heard, it’s quite unlikely. I'm thinking I might be moving to England next year.. and I’m getting a bit nervous

Now I know a year isn’t a long time at all if you think about it, but I never thought I'd leave Finland.. not even for a year I guess. I’m sure it’d be a loooooot harder for Sam to move here though (because of the language and all) and I feel pretty bad.. for basically giving him no choice, so I'm pretty sure I could at least do it for a year. Move to England for a year and then hopefully come back with him and he'd get to stay. How bad could it be? I'd get to be with the love of my life.. live with him, fall asleep in his arms every night.. wake up next to him every morning.. do all the daily activities with him.. I can't wait to be able to do that. And it's not like I hate England

But then there's the family. Basically, from the moment I told my family that I've met someone who lives in England, they've come to me separately (mum and dad, and my two big sisters), saying "You'd better not be moving to England then" It's my decision and if I decide to do so, there's little they can do about it. I would still love it if they accepted it and were supportive. Even though it is.. only a year, I think some family members might not like the idea too much

I mentioned about this to my parents a while ago, sorta casually and my dad was just like "Well now we know where we'll start planning our next trip to!" Guess he was just joking but yeah A few days ago I ended up telling one of my sisters.. and my mum overheard so I had to tell her too They seemed.. alright with it I guess, my mum sounded a bit irritated though and just went “You’re not going there if you don’t have a job”. The ones whose reaction I’m worried about the most.. the other sister and my dad.. I don’t know if they’ve already heard about it but I’ve yet to tell them myself.

Anyway.. I just wanted to ask you guys..

If you're/'ve been in a situation where you'd be the one moving and it was time to tell your family about your plans, how did you tell them? Did you just blurt it out that you're moving away to be with your SO or let it sink in slowly.. maybe by giving hints and stuff? And how did they react? Were they upset or supportive from the start?

Sam and I haven't really even talked about this seriously yet, it's all up in the air pretty much and there'll be a whole lot of talking about all this, but I just wanted to hear about your experiences So please share

(and yeah.. this turned out longer than I thought, thanks if you read it all )

[Zephii]

It's hard isn't it? And people are bloody selfish. Most of them at any rate.

A year isn't a long time, but it really can feel like it.

Obi's and my family put a lot of pressure on us. I'm not sure if they mean to. My family "know" I'm in Canada for a year. I'm actually here for nearly two now because of outside factors, but as I don't have a return date... It was just easier to say "A year" than to say "I'll be back before my visa expires"... you know? They are terrified that one day I'll be gone for good. Sometimes, so am I.
Obi's family on the other hand originally thought I was here forever. I headed that off at the pass, but they have even less of an idea of when we're going back to Australia than my family do, and they think it's for a maximum of two years. Uhm, I doubt that very much. We have to go home, set ourselves up, get health checks, have two children, finish selling my house and possibly go to court, and then get said children their travel documents, and get me another Canadian visa. It wont happen in two years.

Everyone lays on the guilt trips quite thickly. Sometimes they get angry with us and say really mean things. The "when are you moving permanently?" "when are you leaving?" questions are constant and stressful. You and Sam will need to provide a united front with this. You need to be strong and mature. I know this would be a shitload easier on me if Obi would remember he's a man and allowed to make his own life rather than being intimidated and silent.

As for how I broke it to them, well, when I got back from Canada the first time my sister was like "What's the plan?". She's realistic enough to know that someone has to move, and it makes more sense for that person to be me. I think it also helped that is wasn't going to be a permanent move right off the bat. My aunt was a different matter, because she couldn't understand that I went to Canada originally for Obi... even though I told her clearly. I swear she still thinks this is about tourism. It kinda makes me sad. My best friend at the time took it badly too, and didn't see a reason to continue our friendship once it was clear I really would move.

I think it's only fair you spend a bit of time in both countries. It's a good experience too Just stress the temporariness to your family, and that should help. Good luck!

[Caitlin2009]

well i havent moved yet but my mom has told me and i quote lol "i will miss you but i want you to go, you need to go and get a life of your own! cant always be near us all the time"

[elina]

Thanks Miriam You're always so nice and helpful

Can imagine it's harder with all the visas and sorting them out.. luckily we don't have those kind of things to worry about.. we've got other crap though it seems

Yeah.. I'm kinda thinking it's only fair that I'd stay in England for at least a year or two as well.. if he's gonna spend the rest of his life here Looks like me moving to England is pretty much the only option for us.. unless we want to get married but we wouldn't wanna do that.. get married because that's the easiest option. So if we want to close the distance, me moving to England for a year or two has to happen eventually.. I guess if I told my family that, they'd understand better. And besides, both of my sisters have been away from home for about a year I guess, so why couldn't I Don't know if they'd be afraid that I might just stay there.. once I leave.

Missing my family aside.. I wouldn't mind going. The most important thing is that we'd get to close the distance and live together.. I'd finally get to be with the love of my life.. and it would be a good experience for me.. I'd get to work abroad (if anyone even wanted me ) which I think will be appreciated when applying for jobs here, and I'd probably become even more independent than I am now.. I don't live at home anymore but my parents are still living close to me and.. if I lived in England, they wouldn't be around too much Then again I'd have Sam to look after me

I find it easier to tell stuff if someone asks me about it first.. like with my sister and dad.. I'm kinda hoping they'll ask what's going on and it'd be easier to tell them Feels like a hard subject to bring up myself.. would like them all to know soonish though so they'd have enough time to erm.. handle it before I leave if I'm even going.. though I guess it'll be hard no matter how well in advance you know it.

EDIT: Caitlin, nice, I hope my family will say something like that too

[mllebamako]

I definitely feel the pressure from my parents just to move back to be in the same country! It has been awhile since I've lived in the US and even longer since I've lived in the same state as them. They are really open and supportive but they still lay on some guilt about me never living close to home. They drop hints that "so-and-so's kid says it's his goal in life to live near his family" haha. Totally obvious.

As for how I told them, I just blurted it out. But they are used to hearing this kind of sentence, "So I think I'm moving to insert random country for 6 months or a year". So they were far from surprised when I said I was moving back to Africa for awhile longer.

It's sometimes a hard reality to swallow for families but remind them that it would only be short term. To me, a year seems like nothing! Then again, where I am from, kids often move far away at the age of 18 and only come back a few times a year for visits. It also might make them feel better if you tell them when you'll visit, for Christmas for example. That way they'll see that it's really not such a long time!

[Silviar]

So, here's how I've handled my planned move to Australia, and it's gone down decently well.

Background: I'm Hispanic on my mother's side, and we're the stereotypical close-knit family that likes to be in each other's lives and demands much family obligations. Me only visiting every 3 months bugs my mom, even though we live 5 hours apart.

Mom asked if we'd thought about who would move where, and I'm in the same boat you are - it's looking like I'm going to Australia, 99% likely in fact, but there's no tickets or anything purchased, so for now it's just theoreticals (per se ). I told her that we'd talked about it, and that while neither option has been ruled off the plate, that I'll probably move there and that's where we're currently planning on all of this occurring.

Needless to say, my mother was NOT happy. She didn't like it when I lived in Japan, and the thought of losing her darling daughter forever made her not happy. However, as displeased as she was about it, she told me she wasn't going to worry about it until it was an actuality.

I would never condone lying to parents, but I think mentioning that it's a consideration, and that you have to make sure you have all of your ducks in a row (like making sure you're financially stable, etc), will help them realize you're not winging off on some young adult harebrained scheme. We sometimes forget that our parents have seen us do things like eat dirt and throw temper tantrums over groundings, and so for them it's sometimes hard for them to realize you've grown and can consider things yourself.

One of the things that reassured my mom is I told her I wasn't moving until it was a year after my divorce, and that I had my emergency fund fully prepared for said trip. It helped her realize that I would be prepared to do it alone, no matter what.

I hope this helps in some fashion. Let me know if you want elaboration on some part.

Edited to Add: Rereading this, I wanted to reiterate that although my mother isn't thrilled, she realizes it's my life, and she wants me to be happy. So on that part, she's supportive, but she's also sad that she's going to miss the hell outta me when I move. So I think you and I are in similar parental boats.

[Silviar]

well i havent moved yet but my mom has told me and i quote lol "i will miss you but i want you to go, you need to go and get a life of your own! cant always be near us all the time"

Lol! If only all mothers could do that... XD

[BoogleBee]

This reminds me of me and my SO. My SO can apply for a partner visa and she fits all the requirements (thankfully it applies to same sex couples as well) except that we have to have proof of living together for at least a year. Hmm....so I could move to germany for a year or so...but I don't speak the language. Or I could move to england and she can pop over to live in england too...and see. I've always loved england though so if I lived there forever it would be fine :P and its not far from germany for my SO's mother.
I remember ever since I was little saying I was going to live in england when I grew up! And my dad (who's english) thinks I'd suit it quite well. So who knows.....
I haven't ever mentioned concrete plans like that though, but I hope they'd take it okay. Mum has said before when I've mentioned wanting to live in the UK that "I would miss you very very very much, but it's your life to live".

[NickyDoll]

Well, when my SO moved back to NY, I always knew he would never be moving back to Michigan. He has no plans to stay in New York City so we will both be moving wherever he can get a job. I told my parents, who both have never been out of Michigan, that I would be moving to be with him. Although my mom is going to be sad when I do actually move, both my parents are very supportive of my decision. They've met my SO and have deemed him worthy to take me away from them

[elina]

Thanks everyone for your replies, they've all been helpful

Well, when my SO moved back to NY, I always knew he would never be moving back to Michigan. He has no plans to stay in New York City so we will both be moving wherever he can get a job. I told my parents, who both have never been out of Michigan, that I would be moving to be with him. Although my mom is going to be sad when I do actually move, both my parents are very supportive of my decision. They've met my SO and have deemed him worthy to take me away from them

Yeah, my parents have met Sam and even though they don't share a language (not quite at least), they seem to love him So there shouldn't be any problems with trusting or anything

I'm sure my family will miss me loads and I'd miss them too but I'm hoping they'll seriously understand and accept me going. All your parents seem pretty supportive, hope mine will be too Just need to talk to them and explain the situation..

And yeah, as long as Ryanair's alive and flying, I think I'd/we'd be able to visit a few times if we got enough time off work So I'd still get to see them Will be the same when Sam lives here.. the flights cost nothing pretty much.. so we'd probably get to go see his mum fairly often too.

[Caitlin2009]

Lol! If only all mothers could do that... XD

lol and coming from my mom who is dead set against same sex couples and stuff i was like O_o whoaaa when she told me

[xMesmerize124]

My dad knows i'm going to be the one moving half across the country to be with my bf, but he absolutely isn't thrilled about the idea at all (he is still going to let me go though). My dad and i are super close, we are best friends and it hurts me a lot knowing i'm going to be leaving him all alone and i am sure he feels the same way. I guess it's something i have to deal with and it is about that time i leave the "nest", hopefully some time down the road we can work something out and my dad can also move to New York just not the same area as my bf and i haha (that would be weird).

[elina]

My dad knows i'm going to be the one moving half across the country to be with my bf, but he absolutely isn't thrilled about the idea at all (he is still going to let me go though). My dad and i are super close, we are best friends and it hurts me a lot knowing i'm going to be leaving him all alone and i am sure he feels the same way. I guess it's something i have to deal with and it is about that time i leave the "nest", hopefully some time down the road we can work something out and my dad can also move to New York just not the same area as my bf and i haha (that would be weird).

Aw.. yeah I can imagine what it feels like to leave someone all alone :/ Hopefully you can work something out so he can move closer to you

[bluepotato1236]

My family especially my parents freak out hearing about me going there especially before marriage (in my country the parents wont allow their daughter to go with their bf before marriage,its very strict here especially my conservative mind parents :-P ). But once they met my SO and my SO explained them. They compromise and they allow me..:-D but for now it might be my SO is the one that will be moving here. He liked here alot..:-D even tho during day time he is melting (coz its so dman hot here) but im glad he loves to be here..But we are still trying to figure who will move. We both dont mind who will be moving. Just worried about the visas and job. I hope everything will goes well.

[Darth_Taco]

Imagine this conversation in Spanish :P.

"Hey, you know what weird guy I met on the internet we all seem to adore?"

"Of course."

"I'm gonna be the one moving."

"..."

"Yep, so that's how--"

"We're coming too."

"What?"

"You're not going on your own and leaving your family behind! We're coming too."

"...Sweet, we can move sooner."

So things went pretty well with me :P.