Getting discouraged

[lovetakestime12]

My SO and I have been together for a little over a year now, and things are getting pretty tough right now. It's mainly because we're getting a bit frustrated with our LDR. We haven't seen each other since Dec. 26th 2009, but I'm going for a visit on Feb. 4th for my birthday. I've talked to about closing the distance, but it gets nowhere because there's always some sort of problem. I don't have any issue with moving out to him (Michigan) but he says I can't because:

-I have no money, car, place, or job
-He's weary about moving in together because he doesn't want me to be stuck out there if we're not able to make our relationship work
-And because my family wouldn't want me to move

He doesn't wanna move out here (California) yet because he said he'd struggle. I know the economy sucks right now, but I'm sure if I worked hard enough I could find a job&a place to stay, and in the meantime find a way to make money. I know my family wouldn't want me to move, but it's my life to live in the end, right? Honestly I think our best bet is for him to move in with me when he graduates college (1 1/2 more years). It'll be easier for me to get a job&an apartment, and when he moves he'll have a place to stay, and it won't be as big of a struggle. But I'm worried about him running out of patience before then. I'm getting very discouraged and would love any advice that you could give.

[ushiwakafox]

I definitely feel for you. My boyfriend is the same way, always raining on my parade. But sometimes it's good to take a look at the factors. Moving in together is a huge step in any relationship, and it's important that you both are ready for it. A year of not seeing each other sure is a long time, and I felt the same way when our LDR first began a year and a half ago. I was constantly trying to make a plan to get back, but he was always putting my ideas and plans down, telling me to "relax" and just enjoy my time here.
In my opinion, I would discuss this with him in person when you visit him in February. Talk about each other’s concerns, face to face. In the meantime, being around him will help you become exposed to some of his living habits and whatnot. It's a good thing to be aware of if you're really serious about moving in with him. And I think every one of us here knows how it feels to get discouraged. Think about the opportunities being in an LDR brings. You two can connect in a way so many other couples will never experience.
Have you tried asking him about his ideas for your shared future? What does he want to happen after he graduates college? You need to talk to him about your fears of him running out of patience. Maybe he has cold feet about how things might change when you move in? He says he's concerned about what will happen if things don't work out between you two. If things just don't work out, you can always move back to California right? Surely he'll be willing to help you out with travel expenses. Everything can be worked out with some team effort.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is TALK. Don't let your fears get ahold of you; you might be just assuming things about how he feels. I do this all the time and misinterpret things my bf says. But also like me, it seems you focus a lot on planning for the future. This is a very helpful asset in a relationship, but don't forget to enjoy your life presently as well. I know it's crazy sounding to be able to enjoy life despite the struggles of an LDR, but it makes coping with the things you're going through so much easier.
Also something I just thought of; he is getting ready to graduate college. He's probably somewhat preoccupied with school work. Having that stress in his life, and also coping with an LDR and trying to plan for a future - it's hard for a lot of men to grasp. My boyfriend, again, is the exact same way. Don't lose faith in him; he seems to just have a lot on his plate right now. Hang on until February; talk things out with him in person. If you just can't bring him to agree with you moving in, then you guys need to find a compromise. Relationships are constantly filled with sacrifices, not just by long distances, but between the two people as well. Sometimes you just can't have what you want, and other sometimes he can't. Meet each other half way (figuratively). If you both love each other, things will work out. They always do, sometimes it just takes some time for things to unravel.
I hope I’ve been somewhat helpful. Good luck to you two, keep the faith.

-Kira

[TknandLvnIt]

I agree with Kira! Its really important that you talk to your bf about how you are feeling and what your plans are for the future. I think that one concern you both might be having is if you will still feel the same about each other since you have been apart for so long. There are folks on this site who have been dating for a year or more and have never met; I personally couldn't imagine what that is like, but it does help me to know that Love is a strong emotion and can overcome anything. I am not sure how old you two are but being a recent college grad I understand how it feels to have expectations after college and not get them. Graduation is not a guarantee...of a job or career or anything like that and perhaps he is trying to consider what he wants to do with his future...and that may not have involved a live in gf which to him may seem like a wife...so I say really talk to him about it...about the goals that he has for his life and the goals for the relationship perhaps even a timeline of some sort. Neither one of you should feel like you have to put your life on hold for the other...You should be able to learn and grow together and definitely sacrifice. I don't think moving half way distancewise is such a bad idea. My bf and I joke about moving somewhere that is warm but still has mild winters... (Ca vs. CT lol). I wish you the best and know that your love is stronger than the distance and any issues in communication.