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Lessons Learned while Closing the Distance

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    Lessons Learned while Closing the Distance

    Hey LFAD, I'm down to 45 days until I depart for Australia. Getting close to the wire is getting stressful, but I'm mostly staying sane despite playing musical boxes with my stuff and ruthlessly chucking things left and right into other people's arms.

    With all of the craziness of moving first and foremost on my mind, I thought I'd post with people who can commiserate with LDR pains, and to give hopefully some sort of insight/advice as to what might happen when you move. And I hope others will add their tips too.

    Moving my crap is way more involved than even I realized. I had a good idea about how much I had to do for all of my things, but then I opened up the closet and dug out all the shoes and such from under my bed... and had way more stuff than even I realized I had, and i didn't even have a whole lot to begin with! Thankfully, I'd already prepared piles for throwing away and donating, so all I had to do was add to the piles, but still... it ended up being about 4 more bags of things that I did use, but either didn't need or couldn't use anymore.

    Get ruthless with that stuff.

    On top of it, my original plans to stores about 6 boxes of stuff with my mom changed when I found out that the best quote I could get for moving my stuff was $600. Not large boxes, and not heavy boxes - however, the items in those boxes weren't worth $600. It was literally cheaper to sell and give away things, then purchase replacements once I moved. So my idea of what 'had' to go with me has now whittled down to personal family mementos and making sure I have good clothes and filled up meds.

    Oh, and I decided to rearrange my suitcases so I can fit my mementos in them rather than pay that much for shipping. Even if I decide to purchase a third piece of luggage, it'd basically be the same volume of space for only $225.

    If I'd had enough stuff and my SO already had an apartment secured, I would have done a cargo container, if the price was right; however, I only had a bedroom's worth of stuff, and it wasn't a big bedroom, with nothing worth getting a shipping container for overseas.

    Dealing with family as I leave is frustrating, and sometimes unintentionally hurtful. I yet again received some unhappy grumbles because I'm going overseas and since I'll likely be getting married and staying overseas. Apparently I'm selfish for having theoretical children away from everyone.

    Oh, and I've also been informed that me leaving is essentially the end of me ever seeing or talking to my family. Yes, because once I leave, it's forever and no one can every see anyone else again, nor talk, Skype or anything else. Even though I have stated many times I'd like to talk weekly on Skype and offered to help set it off, my parents have ignored all of my suggestions and ideas to keep talking. My mom has all but stated she won't come to Australia, and has made it clear it has to be my effort to maintain a relationship. I'm really hoping this won't be the case once I go, as we're generally a loving family.

    One aunt even said "people just don't have the money for that." So apparently it's ok and expected if *I* pay for it, but forget them ever possibly shelling out any money. And let me be clear - my family is not well off, but my mother goes overseas 3-4 times a year, so if she really wanted to, I don't see why she couldn't afford a ticket to come see me every few years, especially since I'd be taking care of the rest of needs.

    I've provided plenty of opportunities for people to see me living here, and guess what? People expect me to foot the time and money for the visit travel since I live away from my family as-is. If they can't spend some of their own time and money, then that says exactly where seeing me is on their list of priorities. They're not the only ones who have to live their lives, so I'm a lot less sympathetic about this than I was before.

    I have bent over backwards to try and accommodate my soon to be new LDR's with my family, and all they can do is complain. It does hurt.

    Again, I think my mom will (hopefully) pull it together and start acting like an adult again eventually, because we generally have a good relationship, but right now she's a butt.

    Another thing that's come up a few times is the implied "Why can't you just settle down with a nice boy here?" It's not like I met Matt with the hope or expectation of dating someone from Australia. I don't have the Down Under Fever, nor have I ignored locals. The only locals who want to go out with me are completely incompatible. I was very cautious about approaching dating someone from so far away to begin with, and I've been very practical about it. If he didn't make me completely happy, I wouldn't go out with him. It just wouldn't be worth it.

    And the third big thing I've learned is giving yourself the buffer of emergency savings/extra time is so worth it. So far, I've had to replace both pairs of my glasses (I thought I'd only need to replace one), my grandmother passed away, and I'm going to have to get a part of my car fixed before I sell it to my brother. All of these things, were I running close to the wire with money, would be overwhelming, but I've been able to fix them while thinking "Man that was inconvenient" and mourn the loss of my grandma without fretting about what-if's.

    Despite the temporary insanity, I'm still looking forward to the move. I can't wait to start my career and being with my SO. And I'm looking forward to getting to live life instead of this part of it being on pause.

    I hope this helps someone, and if anyone has any advice they'd like to add for people closing the distance, I hope you'll comment. I could probably use some.


    LFAD Book Challenge: 34/100 Complete

    #2
    My mom has all but stated she won't come to Australia,
    Its completely the same here.
    My parents and grandparents are totally against it and my mother said she will NOT come to Australia.
    "Because that guy has stolen my daughter!"
    I have experieced the worst day past saturday and things got out of control..however, I have learned to be a little egoist since I realised if I wouldnt be it at least a little bit, they would do what they want with me and to me.

    Hope everything is going well in that very stressful time of moving!!

    How much of free luggage can you take with you on plane??

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      #3
      i really hope the family SO issues work out eventually. My mom is already talking about moving my brothers stuff out of my old room back home, because she is expecting I come home once I graduate in June. Even though I am applying for a program in Sacramento, it would start off with 6 months living in Mexico...either she is secretly hoping I dont get in the program, or she wants me to get into the program, but may be in denial about that minute 6 months in Mexico thing... :-\ hmmm... woo hoo 45 days!

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        #4
        Originally posted by OliveOyl View Post
        i really hope the family SO issues work out eventually. My mom is already talking about moving my brothers stuff out of my old room back home, because she is expecting I come home once I graduate in June. Even though I am applying for a program in Sacramento, it would start off with 6 months living in Mexico...either she is secretly hoping I dont get in the program, or she wants me to get into the program, but may be in denial about that minute 6 months in Mexico thing... :-\ hmmm... woo hoo 45 days!
        Even when I told my mom I was going to go, she was totally in denial. I think that's a popular thing with parents - let's pretend to ignore what you say because it's not real unless it 'actually' happens.


        LFAD Book Challenge: 34/100 Complete

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          #5
          Yay, so excited for you! You're such a great international relationship advice-giver. And solid proof that it really is possible. An inspiration. (:

          And yeah, these are the things I've thought about but haven't started working on dealing with. /:
          Stuff. I've lived in the same room for 11 years. I'm kind of a hoarder and my room is filled with loads of crap, so much that the floor cannot be walked on except for a path leading from my door to the bed. /: Idk what I'm going to do with it all, I have such a hard time getting rid of stuff, but I know I'm going to have to soon since I'm going to be basically living with no belongings while backpacking and chances of my coming back here are low.

          Family. His dad says he doesn't care when/how we get married, as long as it's there. My brother says he won't attend my wedding if it's in another country, so...that could be a problem. I'm also a terrible keeper-in-toucher, so in a lot of ways I would agree with them if they thought I was selfish (which I can foresee my aunts and grandma who I am very close to doing) because I hardly remember to call back when I am away.

          Sorry, didn't meant to write this much. /:
          Anyway, I hope from here on everything will go very smoothly for you! I also hope your mum will eventually find Australia to be a great holiday destination. (:

          Comment


            #6
            You have a lot of great advice, thanks for sharing!

            I really hope your family comes around, but I think they will. I came to see my SO, without telling my family that if I was 100% completely happy that I would stay here with him, it's only 2000 miles away and is the same country, so I don't feel so far away from them. It's kinda difficult at times, definitely more difficult at first when my mom would seem so cold to me on the phone, barely telling me that she loved me etc because she thought it wasn't a great way to move out here, maybe it wasn't.. but at the time it worked for me. Now, things seem to be getting better, she'll actually have a conversation with me on the phone and she talks more than she used to. She's also willing to send me my things, things that are important to me and that I really want(she knows.) So I feel like, although it took her a little bit of time to get over the fact that her little girl left and no longer lives with her and is in her life everyday, she is genuinely happy for me(whether she wants to fully admit that or not :P)

            Once you get there, don't give up hope. It will take time but your family isn't going to forget about you or disown you.

            Also, sorry to hear about the loss of your grandma *hugs* sending thoughts your way.

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              #7
              Thanks guys, I appreciate your kind words. If you guys have any other advice for other folks, feel free to add it, too. We can all benefit from collective experiences here. ^.^


              LFAD Book Challenge: 34/100 Complete

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                #8
                Originally posted by Silviar View Post
                Even when I told my mom I was going to go, she was totally in denial. I think that's a popular thing with parents - let's pretend to ignore what you say because it's not real unless it 'actually' happens.
                Haha I feel like my family is so opposite from everyone else's. My mom is doing back flips she's so excited for me to move! When I told her I'd be moving to Costa Rica she says "CAN WE SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH YOU?" haha

                DEFINITELY have an extra $1000 at least for emergencies. Take it from me. My SO moved here and realized he needed a root canal! Sheesh. That's another thing to do before leaving, go to the doctor and dentist and therapist and whoever else you need to see while you still have medical insurance!

                Also I've realized after living with my SO for a month, things run out a lot quicker. I guess I knew that would happen but it's little things I wouldn't think about. Of course we have to go get groceries more often, but good grief I have never seen toilet paper and toothpaste disappear so quickly!!

                Oh-- and my general packing tip (for moving, trips, etc) is to pack ONLY WHAT YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED. Then go back through and take out 1/2.

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                  #9
                  I have lots to add to this, but I keep forgetting when I have time!

                  The first thing I can think of is it will be harder than you think and closing the distance wont fix all the problems in your relationship like magic super glue. CDR relationships, even the nearly perfect ones, have their share of problems. Closing the distance doesn't mean this will go away. Adjusting after you close the distance isn't as easy as you might guess either. Even if you've done long visits - suddenly this isn't a visit, this is real, and if you're the one to move you may feel trapped and out of place. You may experience culture shock.

                  Also you will lose some of your friends. It's pretty inevitable. Some people just aren't interested in a long distance friendship and might start phasing you out once they know you're leaving. Others just wont keep in contact if you're not seeing them every day, because the friendship is based around work or an activity you do together. Some friendships, while they enrich our lives CD, don't work long distance because the base of communication isn't there.

                  Those left behind may hold grudges. I didn't anticipate this, but it's true. Some friends or family might miss you so much that when you do call them of go home to visit they'll lash out at you, or become stand-offish. They may feel abandoned, even if they are supportive of your relationship and the reasons you moved.
                  Happily married to the little Canadian boy I never thought I'd meet in person

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by Zephii View Post
                    Also you will lose some of your friends.
                    This has been very true in my life. I've moved around a lot since high school and it is hard to hold on to friendships, but the true ones do stick around.

                    I'm lucky in that my family is very supportive. We have weekly skype calls and they have visited me abroad several times and are planning another trip to West Africa to see me in November. The fact is: some people can accept and adjust accordingly and some people won't.

                    I agree with only taking what you really need. I have been living out of 2 suitcases for the last 3-ish years. It totally CAN be done

                    I don't have any real "lessons" to add (yours were great Silviar). My situation is a bit different since I'm just moving back to be with him--half my stuff is down there and we've had an apartment together for about a year. So on the non-practical, emotional side: Expect a whole range of emotions I wrote a blog post about this awhile back and got a lot of people saying they've felt similarly before closing the distance. It's been a strange mix of excitement, anxiety, fear, worries, happiness, doubts, stress, questions, unnerving dreams, uncertainty, anticipation, etc.

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                      #11
                      That part about emergency money is soo true!! I always preach about the importance of saving and having that rainy day fund just in case anything happens! It is soo true you never know when you're going to need that extra stash . I think your family and your "friends" (should you even call them your friends) are just jealous of the fact that you're doing something that they've always wanted to do in their life. Which is moving and living in another country besides you might actually love Australia! I heard a lot of great things about Australia. As a matter of fact, my honey has dreams of moving to Australia and he's an IT guy so if you know of any positions please let me know ! Just ignore them though, if they really love you they'll come around! Also you can make a blog about your daily life in Australia or write a best selling book! Possibilities are endless! But stay positive and brush them haters off! Or hit them with a light saber or fence them or... you know what I mean! Best of you luck to you!

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                        #12
                        *hugs* I am so happy for you! It's a stressful time for you, but it's going to be worth it!

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                          #13
                          Although me and my SO havnt closed the distance yet, our visits have been 3 months a piece so we've got quite a good idea of what it'll be like when we do close the distance.

                          Originally posted by Zephii View Post
                          it will be harder than you think and closing the distance wont fix all the problems in your relationship like magic super glue. CDR relationships, even the nearly perfect ones, have their share of problems. Closing the distance doesn't mean this will go away. Adjusting after you close the distance isn't as easy as you might guess either. Even if you've done long visits - suddenly this isn't a visit, this is real, and if you're the one to move you may feel trapped and out of place. You may experience culture shock.
                          Its so true. My SO works 40+ hours a week. I'm not allowed to work while I'm here because its the VWP. I dont drive, and where he's living now is a solid 20minute walk on a horrible road (dirt path next to a main road where cars average 40mph) and even then buses stop at 6pm. I have worked since I was 16 and always been fiercely independent. Being stuck in the house or depending on people to "entertain me" has driven me close to crazy. Not to mention when you suddenly get a craving for a particular kind of food or treat but they dont have it in this country.


                          Although me and my SO havnt closed the distance yet, our visits have been 3 months a piece so we've got quite a good idea of what it'll be like when we do close the distance.

                          Originally posted by Zephii View Post
                          you will lose some of your friends.......Those left behind may hold grudges. I didn't anticipate this, but it's true. Some friends or family might miss you so much that when you do call them of go home to visit they'll lash out at you, or become stand-offish. They may feel abandoned, even if they are supportive of your relationship and the reasons you moved.
                          Again so true. I lost friendships with my 4 closest friends. We'd been a really tight group for nearly 5 years. But they didnt understand the LD and how hard it was for me and blamed me when I was in my depression phase when I first came home. They didnt make any effort and I havnt spoken to them since. I think a large part of this was because they pushed me away because it was "easier" than having to deal with the fact that I might one day move away permanently.

                          Sorry I dont have much else new to add, just wholeheartedly agreeing with points made.

                          Excellent thread - great advice all round!
                          Tea and hugs make the world go round - don't ever discount the little things in life.


                          Smiling away to oneself brings an obscene amount of joy when only you know the reason why your smiling. Pick something secret to smile about and let it light up your face all day long!

                          And remember....Love really IS all around.

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                            #14
                            Originally posted by xopookie View Post
                            That part about emergency money is soo true!! I always preach about the importance of saving and having that rainy day fund just in case anything happens! It is soo true you never know when you're going to need that extra stash . I think your family and your "friends" (should you even call them your friends) are just jealous of the fact that you're doing something that they've always wanted to do in their life. Which is moving and living in another country besides you might actually love Australia! I heard a lot of great things about Australia. As a matter of fact, my honey has dreams of moving to Australia and he's an IT guy so if you know of any positions please let me know ! Just ignore them though, if they really love you they'll come around! Also you can make a blog about your daily life in Australia or write a best selling book! Possibilities are endless! But stay positive and brush them haters off! Or hit them with a light saber or fence them or... you know what I mean! Best of you luck to you!
                            XD Thanks xopookie. Your post made me giggle like crazy. You know, if your SO and you want to move to Australia, they've got a pretty good immigration system. It's tough, but it's clear imo, what you need to get the type of visa you want.


                            LFAD Book Challenge: 34/100 Complete

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                              #15
                              Another piece of advice I've been given by a few people who've been there, done that, and I'm finding is true is fighting and bickering will increase in the days before you close the distance. It is normal. Your relationship is not in trouble. Before you leave, you're going to experience a lot of raging emotions, as well as moving stress. Understand that it's normal, be kind and flexible with yourself, and make sure you're armed with your own ways of destressing as you prepare to go.

                              Some of mine: walking/exercise, getting a massage, cutting back on eating out with friends and upping activities (I'd rather have the memories than the pounds), and giving myself time to do things that make me purely happy, like reading or daydreaming. I give myself plenty of me time.

                              When it's said and done, though, you're still going to bicker about something. It's just inevitable. So don't let the fighting worry you about your future, apologize and make sure you both understand the temporary stress is difficult on you both.

                              I also found this great article online about things you should do before you move in together, and I completely agree with it (we did all of these). So although it's linked right there, I'm going to paste the text below for the linkshy:

                              Moving in with a significant other is a major step in any relationship and one that should never be rushed into. Before you throw caution to the wind, make sure you and your relationship are ready for such a leap.

                              Here are some things every couple should do before they move in together:

                              1. Agree on who will pay for what.

                              2. Agree on how to handle an unplanned pregnancy.

                              3. Decide if they're both on the same page when it comes to marriage (in general, and to each other).

                              4. Come up with at least one reason to move in together other than finances and convenience.

                              5. Consider some of the realistic challenges cohabitation might create.

                              6. Meet each other's "people," including close friends and family members.

                              7. Know each other's financial situation.

                              8. Agree on a three-year plan.

                              9. Say "I love you" to each other.

                              10. Decide whose bed you're going to keep.

                              11. Spend more than two nights in a row together.

                              12. Experience heartbreak on some level.

                              13. Celebrate at least one major holiday together.

                              14. Discuss how to divvy household chores.

                              15. Pick out at least one new object of some value -- financial, aesthetic, or symbolic -- for the home together.

                              16. Have a trial sleepover for your pets.

                              17. Travel together.

                              18. Make sure there's enough closet space for both of you.

                              19. Have at least one big fight.


                              LFAD Book Challenge: 34/100 Complete

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