Am I demanding too much?

[slbeckert]

My SO moved to another city in March, just a couple weeks after we started dating. We've been off and on since fall of '09. I decided to stay here because I love my job, I'm renting a house, and my parents live here with my little sister. My dad just took a job offer completely across the country and will be moving in June. My SO asked me to move to his city last night, since I won't have anything keeping me here (apart from my job).

I told him I don't want to move in with him until I have a ring on my finger. i feel like I need that sign of his commitment if I'm going to take all those steps to be closer to him. I'd be sacrificing a lot (he's also adamant I get rid of my 60 lb shepherd mix before I move in with him). He's being understanding, but I can tell he's extremely disappointed.

Do you guys feel like I'm being a tad old fashioned?

[Zephii]

Not old fashioned exactly, but.. I don't know.. to me it's wrong. You don't tell a bloke to ask you to marry him... I think that women get too caught up in that set of lovely rings that they miss the whole point of what they are getting into.

How do you know that you want him forever at this point?

I get that you want some sign that it wont be a wasted effort on your part, but I feel this is the wrong way to go about getting that. If you feel like you're giving up too much SAY SO. Seriously. If there's something you're not ready to let go of (like your job) or that you don't want to let go of at all (like your dog) then tell him that and ask for a compromise of some kind (in my situation, I demanded I keep my cat lol, even though it was an international move.). A ring on your finger wont make you resent him any less if you follow through with something you're not ready for.

I hope that makes sense, I'm currently uncaffinated ><

[Sierra]

Yes, I do feel like you're being old fashioned.
A ring is a symbol of to a commitment for a lifelong future together, but I don't think it's appropriate to issue an ultimatum of a marriage proposal.

The one constant thing I hear from my family who got engaged or married before they lived with someone was that it was the biggest mistakes of their lives. Living with someone is a great way to get to know them, and to see how compatible you are. To me, and engagement isn't a trial run, it's after a trial and you both are ready to make that commitment to each other.

That being said, if you don't feel like it's the appropriate time to be living together, or aren't willing to make those sacrifices - don't. Maybe it's just not the right time in your relationship yet.

[LakayLovesRay]

In my opinion , that is a little old fashioned .

but i do understand how you want that commitment before you leave your home, your comfort zone .
you defiantly dont want it to waste your time. but thats a strong commitment for just moving in together.

go to the animal shelter and pick out a kitten or a puppy together . its your baby and that could be the commitment you both need to pay and take care of it (:
besides . you dont want to marry someone your unsure yous compatible living with anyway .

staying over for a while and visting often is alot different then living together permantly and sharing expenses of food , bill , your "baby", possibly cleaning up eachothers messes. and how you tolerate the others habits.
you should make sure you can handle living together, being around all the time . thats why moving in together usually comes before marriage .

thats just the way i think . :b
but ultimatley if your not comfortable . then dont move in , until your ready.

(:

[BabyGund]

It depends on how you said it....

If you said it was bluntly as you typed it here, I'd tell you to kick rocks. Those types of ultimatums rarely work. Sure you may win the war, but you don't win the battle when he starts to resent you years down the line. Not saying that happens a lot, but more often than not.

If you said it more like this "It would feel great to be with you. I feel awkward and excited even talking about this. And I don't want a live-in relationship at this point in my life. I'm looking to be married. So, until you're sure you want marriage, it would feel better to just date.", I think he would have honored that more.

Based on his reaction (extremely disappointed), I think you said it more like the former.

And I'll disagree - if you don't want to live with someone before marriage, then don't do it. But I think what needs to happen is a clear discussion on WHY you are moving in together and what you both intend to get out of it. Men and women usually have very different ideals of what "living together" means. If you choose to do it or not do it, make sure you are both clear on the reasoning why.