Leaving kids with parents temporarily...

[BabyGund]

Micah, none of us HAVE to do anything. We make decisions and choices based on what would make us happy. I had an interview today for a position in my new career field. It would entail me moving almost 5000 miles away, from family and everyone we know. It also just happens to put me closer to The Boy. It is a great opportunity and I am willing to take that risk and in the best interests of my daughter, I feel she should stay here with her father and extended family. It would be hard for me to focus and get established, worrying about her. And honestly, I had no timetable for moving her with me. 3 months? 6 months? A year? Like The Boy says, the move is a huge risk, as it's a fairly new startup and the company may not be viable in 1-2 years.

But yet, I am still considering the possibility, even despite the on-again, off-again status The Boy and I have. No, I don't have to take it or make the move...would it make me happy? Immensely. I'd be working in my career field and a short 30 min plane ride from The Boy.

Blankita, as long as the children are under 18 and still living at home, it really is neither here nor there whether they are on board or not. There is no doubt my daughter will be upset, cry and miss me. But she will get used to it and she will adapt. Children are very resilient.

[Micah]

I am the first one to know that none of us have to do anything. I have made a lot of choices in the past 1.5 years that have solely been for my happiness, but I guess I don't see how my children can't be included in my happiness as well. Sure, it'd be harder to obtain a job and get settled with your children along, but I guess I see us as a package deal. Plus, my children are younger than the OP's, so I am looking at it from a perspective of a 4 & 6 year old that are very dependent on me.

I see your point and understand your situation, but your daughter would still be with her father and would still have a parent around. I never saw the OP mention anything about her children staying with their dad, only them staying with her grandparents. My opinion would be totally different if she said they would be staying with their father because they would have a parent around. And I realize that not everyone has the luxury of having two involved parents, but when there is only one involved parent, it is my opinion the sole parent kind of has to pick up the slack for the absent one.

I think moving with kids is a risk, period, especially moving them from all they know. I am willing to take that risk, but I wouldn't leave my kids without at least one parent, mother or father, for months at a time. So, that's kind of where I am coming from.

[blankita719]

BG - I was talking about OP's parents, not the children. Are they ok with being the primary caregivers.

Again, as I stated, only she knows what is best but she asked for opinions. I would never be happy leaving my son behind for several months. In addition, I'm a single parent, my son's father is totally not involved so leaving him behind is not even a real possibility. Seeing his heartbreak and the toll it took when he realized his dad just wasn't around anymore makes me realize I couldn't ever put him in that position again.

[BabyGund]

Blankita - my bad. My crusty old eyes read that wrong.

I suspect rsvpnj's parents would care for the children, I mean they have been living with her parents since the children have been born. I know I could leave my daughter with my dad for about 2-3 months (summer time) before he got antsy.

My point is that we all have to do what we have to do and make decisions that we are comfortable with. I understand the passion that parents have for their children. I don't love my daughter any less. But she is not the be-all end-all of my world and never will be. YMMV.

[Moon]

Well, I am also a mother and I would have no problem with leaving my daughter behind in order to establish myself somewhere new. My father was in the military and we were frequently separated for several months as he made new arrangements for us in whatever city his new assignment was in.

I disagree with the notion that children take precedence over your own happiness. Quite frankly, if you're not happy, the children won't be happy. And admittedly, children grow up, move out and move into their own lives. Where does that leave us martyred single mothers? ALONE.

I remember reading this article several years ago and how it inspired the same vitriol offered here. I agreed with her, however. And I still do. So feel free to flame away.

Hold on, hold on, that article refers to husbands, who are fathers of said children, (to which I agree with the sentiments) not boyfriends. I'm sorry, but that's a completely different scenario. The kids were there first, and shouldn't have to suffer 'cause of mom's man of the week, because it makes her "happy". And I'm hardly a martyred, alone single mother, I went to school, and carved out a nice career for myself, I just made sure my kid's needs were first. Her father was a flake and came in and out of her life for the first 11 years, before he disappeared for good, so yeah, there were things I wanted that I had to sacrifice, because raising her properly was my most important goal, someone had to do it. She's an adult know, and there's nothing more rewarding than having a strong, healthy relationship with my well adjusted grown-up kid. The sacrifice was worth it, and now my life is my own again. And I'm far from alone; I've got the best man I could ever hope for and an amazing family. I am a lucky, happy, satisfied woman. It may have taken a while to get here, but it was worth every minute of the crazy ride, and I wouldn't change a thing.

OP - Don't leave your kids for that long. Work it out and do what's right for them, I implore you, your time will come and you'll never get this time with them back again. Its not really fair to your parents, either.
They've raised their kids, and now its their turn to enjoy their lives.

Oh, and for the record, I'm not one of those "But what about the chilllllldrennnn!" people. I don't even like kids. Well, I liked mine, and I like my nephew half of the time, but that's about it. Babygund, I normally agree with you on things, but I suppose we couldn't be further apart on this one

[BabyGund]

But Moon, we're not talking about "mom's man of the week". We here are in long-term, (mostly) committed relationships. I think the basic premise still applies.

I applaud your efforts and I'm OK with disagreeing.

[Mara]

Please don't take this the wrong way because I don't mean this is a rude way or in a harsh one, but I think this is a terrible idea.

I think everyone here can understand the desire to want to close the distance with your SO as soon as possible, but to move when you don't have a job there or a place to stay with your children- it's just terribly irresponsible in my opinion. I think this also would be a different situation if your children were a little older, but at nine and ten they can't possibly comprehend or understand why their mom would have to leave them behind. I also do feel this is a terrible burden to place on your parents. You don't even know for sure when you would be able to send for them. In this economy and real estate market, do you really think it would be that easy to find a place you could afford in a nice school district for the four of you and a job in your field? I wouldn't be moving without my children and I wouldn't be moving without, at least, some job prospects either. It's different when you are a single woman, but when you are a mother you have certain obligations.

[Karringtyn]

As a Mom of three children I can relate. My SO and I would LOVE to be together right now. It is ALL contingent on his house selling. If I didn't have children, I would have moved there a long time ago. But my kids come first. My ex and I share joint custody. The divorce was hard enough on them. I will always place them first and I can honestly say I COULDN'T be away from my kids more than a few days. They are my first priority and while yes my happiness is very important to their well being, me being there....playing an active part in there day to day life...that is what makes me happy.

Everyone thinks differently and things work differently.

My opinion? I wouldn't leave my kids behind. When the time is right, it will happen. I believe this in my own situation wholeheartedly.

[rsvpnj]

First I would like to thank everyone for sharing their opinion. While some of them are helpful, others are judgmental and some are even a bit hurtful. However, since none of you know me personally, you are entitled to your opinion, especially since it is much easier to give without the person on the receiving end being in the same room. No hard feelings!

The majority of the posts seemed to have the same theme... How can I be so selfish? How can I put my SO ahead of my kids? They will be traumatized by this experience.

Perhaps I didn't clarify my situation enough. I was asking for opinions, not in an effort to have someone else make the decision for me, but to have a few other ideas bouncing around in my hear so that I could make the best decision for my family. I feel compelled to give more information in order to "defend" myself... not that I am permanently affecting by the opinions on this board.

I may have been exaggerating the time frame a bit... in all likelihood the time apart would be much shorter. And of course, I would see the kids in the interim. Also, it was initially my mother that suggested my leaving the kids behind while I get settled. My father did the same thing when our family moved from Puerto Rico. He left the family to get a job and set up housekeeping in the States and then brought the family over a few months later. My situation is not ideal---believe me, I know... however it is my situation and I have to make the best of it.

Here is a little more on my story...

As you know, I am a single mother with two girls, ages almost 10 & 11. My ex-husband lives about 45 minutes away and sees the girls sporadically. He provides little if any financial support. He currently owes $32,000 in back child support. Because I have not yet earned my college degree, I have had a very difficult time finding a job that puts me even close to the poverty line. Currently I earn about $15,000 before taxes....which as you all know, for a family of 3, simply doesn't cut it. I have to borrow money from my parents and boyfriend all the time in order to pay bills and buy the girls the essentials.

I understand the point that many of you had about waiting to be with my SO and putting the kids happiness ahead of my own....however, when does that end? I did not plan on being a single mother... and I certainly didn't plan on meeting a guy who lived 3,000 miles away from everything I have ever known. However, that is what happened. My SO and I have been dating in one capacity or another for almost 9 years. The distance has put a huge strain on our relationship, although with our more frequent visits, things have been pretty great. Traveling to see one another is not cheap... with airfare being in the $300-400 for each round-trip airfare...not including everything the other one will need while in town-- food, necessities, etc. More importantly, I have no desire to be with my SO without my children. No thoughts of leaving them behind indefinitely. While I have been a devoted mother since their conception, I have had help every step of the way. My SO has no children and while he loves my children as his own, it will be a huge transition for us. I don't earn enough money to put any savings away for this move. Someone suggested that I interview and then move 4 months later... if anyone knows of a place that will hold a job position for that long for a woman who has lots of work experience but no career experience, please let me know. We're in a recession and quite frankly, I've never heard a more ridiculous suggestion for job hunting.

Like I said, I have had a TON of help raising my kids. It will be a huge transition for me to be on my own with them, and I do not want to fail them. I honestly feel that they will be more traumatized and upset, if I bring them to California prematurely and they witness the amount of stress that my SO and I will be under. there is no guarantee that I'll find a job in the summer... and if I don't then I have to postpone moving another year and continue to earn a pittance at a job that is not only not in my field of study but so physically and mentally demanding that I often fall asleep eating dinner after work. The job makes me unhappy and my kids see it and they can feel it too. This I feel is worse for them.

I need to find a job and focus on that for a little while. We also need to find a suitable home because I refuse to move around after I bring the kids over and add even more stress to their lives.

I love my girls more than life itself... but quite frankly being a mother is not enough. They will be going to college in 7 years and as of right now I am not prepared for that. I have no career and nothing substantial beside them. I owe it to my kids to be more than just their mother.

I obviously have time before I make my final decision... which I am not even close to making but I appreciate your opinions and different points of view.

Thank you!

[Riyko]

Someone suggested that I interview and then move 4 months later... if anyone knows of a place that will hold a job position for that long for a woman who has lots of work experience but no career experience, please let me know. We're in a recession and quite frankly, I've never heard a more ridiculous suggestion for job hunting

woah first of all i never suggested the company holding the job and you moving 4 months later if you reread my post you would see that i said "after you graduate apply for jobs online and then when they call you for interviews set them up so they are all in the same week and you will be gone for a week or two at a time instead of 4-5 months" I've included the original text i posted before here

apply for them online after you graduate and when the places call you set up your interviews in the same week and fly out there for a week to do them or ask if they do interviews online that way if you have to go for interview then it'll only be for a week not 4-5 months.

second thing you only make $15,000 before taxes in NJ, what makes you think you are going to make more in California, seeing as how the cost of living is more expensive there, the amount you make in Cali will probably equal the same amount you made in NJ before taxes as well.

[BabyGund]

woah first of all i never suggested the company holding the job and you moving 4 months later if you reread my post you would see that i said "after you graduate apply for jobs online and then when they call you for interviews set them up so they are all in the same week and you will be gone for a week or two at a time instead of 4-5 months" I've included the original text i posted before here


second thing you only make $15,000 before taxes in NJ, what makes you think you are going to make more in California, seeing as how the cost of living is more expensive there, the amount you make in Cali will probably equal the same amount you made in NJ before taxes as well.

Rikyo, that would be perfect, if every company you applied for called you back on your timetable, not theirs. As someone who is trying to line up an internship or new position in my new field, lining up interviews in a row during a week is practically next to impossible. At least for me, these positions don't even start reviewing your online application under the closing date for the job posting, which can be 3-4 weeks LATER. At this point, I'm lucky if I get 3 interviews a month, depending on the closing date.

Her cost of living is going to go up anyways, because she won't be living with her parents. As you see, she doesn't make it in Jersey - she has to live with her folks to get by. At this point, she's below the poverty level in the United States for a family of 3. Depending on where in California, if she could double or triple that income, with the help of her SO, she could get by, and may even get ahead. I did - but I didn't have two children either.

[leonsfangirl]

As a Mom of three children I can relate. My SO and I would LOVE to be together right now. It is ALL contingent on his house selling. If I didn't have children, I would have moved there a long time ago. But my kids come first. My ex and I share joint custody. The divorce was hard enough on them. I will always place them first and I can honestly say I COULDN'T be away from my kids more than a few days. They are my first priority and while yes my happiness is very important to their well being, me being there....playing an active part in there day to day life...that is what makes me happy.

Everyone thinks differently and things work differently.

My opinion? I wouldn't leave my kids behind. When the time is right, it will happen. I believe this in my own situation wholeheartedly.

Couldn't have put it better myself!

Being a single parent is hard work and nobody signs up for it, i can understand the need to be a better person for your kids and provide a better life for them by way of a decent wage coming in and a nice home. Lord knows that's what we all want for our children from the second they are conceived/born.
But children are adaptable, more so than any adult. They would cope better with a smaller place and less income than an absent mother for 4 months, I'm sorry if that's sounds harsh but that's the reality of it.

[Tanja]

Well, I am also a mother and I would have no problem with leaving my daughter behind in order to establish myself somewhere new.

I agree with Moon 100%.

I know this is off topic a little but I just find it unbelievably hard to understand your comment. I know what you said about your father being in the army and all that but for most kids their mother is the most important person in their lives and her leaving them behind without blinking just for a better job opportunity is... outrageous in my opinion. Same goes for moving to be with your boyfriend - your child was there first and they come first, always.

If I'd get a job that's worth moving thousands of miles away in the first place then without a doubt I'd take my daughter with me. Not all the money in the world is worth being apart from her. I wouldn't be happy without her in my life every day.

I know this is probably going to cause huge drama on here as these kind of sensitive topics usually tend to do but oh well, makes things interesting doesn't it?