Moving out/how to keep from getting your hopes up

[gr8shortandwise]

Hi all,
So my SO and I had been planning for some time to begin working on closing the distance this summer (he will be moving to me since I have another 4-6 years in grad school). We both live in the US, I am spending the summer in Germany for research and he will be starting his job search in a month when he gets back from visiting me here. The deadline we had originally set to close the distance was my next birthday, in Jan. So we're starting a little earlier than planned. How do people keep from getting their hopes up when they or their SO start the job search? I know it's going to take a while but I can't help being excited...he and my dad work in the same industry so my dad will be able to help a little.

I had planned on not moving in with him until we were engaged--I don't have funding for my PhD, meaning I make very little money from my part-time job, and I was not comfortable with him supporting me unless we were engaged. I just found out, however, that I got a teaching assistantship for next year (hooray!!! funding!!!). I have been having some trouble with my current living situation (at home, 20 miles from school, with my parents and 2 younger siblings) and its effects on my academic success--not only just the lack of concentration/understanding for my workload at home, but the fact that as a PhD student your obligations to the department don't stop with class, and I live far away. So now I'm trying to decide what to do. Since I'm in Germany, I won't be able to see any apartments until I come back at the very end of August. So part of me says that since my SO will have been job searching for 2 full months by then, isn't it silly for me to sign a lease and get a place (probably with roommates, even funded I doubt I'll be able to afford to live alone) if he will be moving up soon and we'll be spending all our time together anyway? I've just discussed it with him and he is pretty sure he'd be willing to move in together when he is able to move. But what if it takes him longer to find a job? I'm not sure I would be able to spend much longer than another semester living at home--although it would be nice to be able to save some of that stipend money. So, any thoughts on lengths of job searches/not getting overly excited/what I should do about the living situation?

Thanks everyone :-)

[snow_girl]

If he is willing to move in with you I think it would be wise to stick at home a little bit longer and save up some extra cash. No point like you said moving in with roommates only for a short while. I postponed closing the distance with my SO for about 6 months so that I would have enough cash when I moved and so that he would have time to find a job and place before I got there. Home might be stressful, but it might be even more stressful moving out when you are ill prepared.

[lucybelle]

I agree with snow_girl. I think your best bet is to stay at home until your SO moves out to you. If you really can't stand living at home, take the time to find a good apartment that you can afford and then move out. Plus living with unknown roommates might be even WORSE than being at home. Take your time to make this decision.

[Silviar]

I think it really depends. It'd be good for you to maintain separate living spaces so you can date close distance and have your own space to go back to when you need a cave. Especially since you'll have academic stress on you, it might be a good idea to let yourself do that independently, because even if having other people around is nice, it also brings a certain amount of responsibilities and stress of its own.

On the other hand, if your goal is to combine households before marriage, then I'd wait and do that. I'd decide on the moving based on what your primary goal is.

[gr8shortandwise]

Yeah, the points about making sure I have enough money to move out are definitely well taken! As is the point that unknown roommates could be worse, even though living at home has been pretty bad...
@ Silviar: to clarify, we've been close distance before--the first 6 months of our relationship, when we were still in college, we spent several hours every day together. We've been long distance for the past 13 months, visiting for a weekend every 3-4 weeks. I definitely would like to live with him before marriage--as I said, I hadn't planned on it before we were engaged because I didn't think I'd be able to contribute--getting the funding was kind of unexpected (in a good way!).
So I guess it's home and saving my money...at least with some extra gas money on hand I'll be able to get out of the house more to study!

---------- Post added at 07:20 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:20 AM ----------

Yeah, the points about making sure I have enough money to move out are definitely well taken! As is the point that unknown roommates could be worse, even though living at home has been pretty bad...
@ Silviar: to clarify, we've been close distance before--the first 6 months of our relationship, when we were still in college, we spent several hours every day together. We've been long distance for the past 13 months, visiting for a weekend every 3-4 weeks. I definitely would like to live with him before marriage--as I said, I hadn't planned on it before we were engaged because I didn't think I'd be able to contribute--getting the funding was kind of unexpected (in a good way!).
So I guess it's home and saving my money...at least with some extra gas money on hand I'll be able to get out of the house more to study!

[MusicalSoul22]

I reccomend start saving money all you can. I know its hard not to put on the rose colored glasses but it would def be a good idea to at least look at what apartment prices are and what your looking for. As far as job searching...its luck of the draw. I know out where I live we are all lucky to have jobs. Sometimes the first interview is the one and sometimes it takes a few..or a lot. Just have him save up as much as he can and cross your fingers.

[MusicalSoul22]

And I understan about the frustrations ofliving at home. Im in that boat as well. I just keep busy so it doesn't bother me as much.

[gr8shortandwise]

MusicalSoul--don't worry, I've researched apartment prices for months, it's how I comfort myself when I'm frustrated with living at home...we are having some problems deciding where to live, although we don't know where he will be getting a job yet so it's a moot point right now! Unfortunately keeping busy won't help living at home--the problems are more because I'm busy--I'm a PhD student with a couple jobs and have been having some issues with the family understanding the demands of my life right now...but my SO is much more understanding, so hopefully sometime in the next several months it won't be a problem anymore because I'll be moved out! He's been saving for a year because he's been living at home and working full-time, so between the two of us we'll be well set-up to start our life together, thankfully!

[Mara]

Are you sure moving out wouldn't just add more stress? I'm living at home right now until I finish up with school or my SO and I get married/engaged, whichever comes first, because the stress of trying to work, pay bills, and go to school and keep up my grades is just too much for me. My family and I don't really get along, but this is much better than the alternative. Of course, it would probably be easier on you cost wise if your SO moved in with you, but if you move out on your own or with roommates, I wouldn't recommend you getting into any long commitments in case it's worse than staying at home or it turns out more costly than you think.

[Ruby1288]

gr8shortandwise-- I do that too! I've been doing that since January but at first it was research then we actually looked at places last month then realized we should wait until he actually finds a job and not waste the money we've saved. some could say I've already wasted money driving up there and driving around apartment hunting but it's a crazy learning experience.

It's so exciting to be planning a future together so it's so easy to get ahead of yourself. I've just learned to leave it up to God, fate or whatever you believe in...just take it day by day.

GL!
J