Missing the distance?

[CaptainKaz]

My SO and I have been seeing each other seriously for just over a year and a half, and inevitably, the conversation about closing the distance has been bandied around between us for the last few months or so. Of course, the main difficulty will be figuring out the logistics and realities of a transatlantic move (it seems ridiculously difficult for either him to move to the UK or for me to move to the States. It's almost as if at some point in our history, our countries didn't like each other or something). But we're both determined, and I'm almost certain we can do it.

However, I'm finding the main thing that keeps me up at night is moving from long distance to close distance. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm starting to worry that I actually enjoy being in an LDR. I like getting excited about that Skype call after a busy week, and I like getting butterflies in my stomach every time I get off the plane to see him again, and I even almost like the uncertainty of never knowing what's going to happen next. We're both people who really value our freedom and personal space, and although we can't keep our hands off each other for the brief visits we do have, I'm worried that's simply because it's a 4 - 6 months wait between each time we get to touch.

I'm not naive, and I know inevitably that original 'spark' disappears and a different kind of relationship evolves. I've lived with a long-term boyfriend before and it was nice having that laid-back, comfortable feeling - and I'd love to have that with my SO, not to mention not having to schedule around time differences to see each other, the expense of plane tickets, and the lack of physical affection. I understand the benefits of being able to be together.

It's just, the spark hasn't gone yet in my LDR, and I think the distance might have something to do with that, because we both have to make that little extra effort to be romantic and make each other feel loved and needed.

I know this sounds really childish and selfish, it's just that our relationship never started out serious - it was just a nice little pick-me-up when life was getting stressful because neither of us thought an LDR could last that long. Now it is serious, I don't want to lose that giddy teenage light-heartedness by moving in together and becoming complacent.

Hopefully, that inane rambling made sense. So, those of you who took the leap and closed the distance - advice? Similar Experiences? Free ham of sympathy?

[garnet]

I hated being LD, but at the same time, there were things I didn't really want to give up. >_> The last two boyfriends I had were LD, and should I ever find myself single, I wouldn't rule it out again.
There is a good kind of hard associated with the bad. The anticipation of everything, the thrills of mail or the visit that finally comes, and all that. I get what you're saying.

I of course have no advice, but I understand. When Rane & I closed the distance, we still do LD type stuff, because truthfully we both missed some of how things used to be. Emails, texts, written letters... it's not the same, but we seem to connect well in that way. Some things are just easier LD too. It's not easy to just give up half your space! I don't even know if I'm making sense. So I'll stop typing now. >.<

[CaptainKaz]

Thanks for the response. I really like the idea of keeping a few of the long distance things going. Should we move in together, I guess there's nothing stopping me from sending him a letter and addressing it to our own flat, or sending him emails and leaving little messages for him in various places.

But what about moving in together. I love my SO to bits, I couldn't imagine my life without him. But the great thing about distance is, if we have a fight or we just want some space, you hang up the phone, turn off Skype, don't check your email. It's impossible to know that we won't get on each other's nerves with our living habits, and start arguing over stupid little things, without the distance to be able to take a step back, have a little space and then jump right back into being all loved up again.

And then, worst case scenario, we realise we can't actually live together - and one of us has jumped country! What we're planning at the moment is that I'll move to him, because there's a possibility of me being able to get a job right close to him. But what if I take that job, and then everything goes belly up? I'm stuck in a strange city, in a new job, an ocean away from any friends and family.

These things are absolutely freaking me out, but when I bring it up with him, he tells me that he adores everything about me and wouldn't find living with me difficult at all and is sure we'll get on as well as we do long distance. That's very sweet, but I can't help but be a realist here.

Or, is he being realistic, and as usual, I'm over-analysing everything?

[Karringtyn]

WOW. This has been on my mind a lot lately. We are closing the distance in 3 days. My dream come true. But I started getting sad when I thought about our middle of the night calls, calls to each other..while I am driving to work....all of that stuff that drew us so close together....thanks for expressing a little of what I have been thinking about...

[Zephii]

This is completely immodest of me buuut... We rocked our LDR. We were good at it! And in a way I kinda missed it when it was gone. For a while I was terrified that maybe we were only good together at a distance. It was a hard time. So I do get what you were saying. I missed skypeing, and letter writing (we kept letterbooks - I would write for at least an hour every day, it was a big part of my everyday life lol) and packages in the mail. We seemed so out of synch with each other too, he spent 4 months in my home country with me, and he wasn't prepared at all for it. I tried to send him home at one point, I couldn't take it any more! But he stuck out the visit because he was afraid that if I didn't get on that plane with him I wouldn't get on at all - I wouldn't follow him back to Canada. Well, for the first six months of being here it only got worse. He was all I had and for a while I resented him so bad I wasn't sure I even loved him anymore. I had no money, I couldn't go home. It seemed like we couldn't talk about anything, yet all we'd done for years was talk to each other! Crazy stuff....

So, I hear you. You have a right to be scared. The fact you are scared probably shoes you're a bit smarter than the average joe who thinks moving together will solve everything.

On the bright side, that future uncertainty never goes away. Or, at least doesn't go quickly. There's still the visa stuff, the risk that one country says "No" - especially if you don't go for PR right away (we didn't. We wanted to know we could make this relationship work before tying ourselves down in paperwork, so once again we're waiting for a visa)

There are other things too - your relationship doesnt have to get stale just because it's CD. People get lazy - but they don't have to. There's no rule saying "thou relationship shall be boring". You control that.

I'll get back to this! Haha, time to go to work. Hope something here is useful but
Carrots xx

[Karringtyn]

Zeph...you ALWAYS have something useful to say!

[lucybelle]

And then, worst case scenario, we realise we can't actually live together - and one of us has jumped country! What we're planning at the moment is that I'll move to him, because there's a possibility of me being able to get a job right close to him. But what if I take that job, and then everything goes belly up? I'm stuck in a strange city, in a new job, an ocean away from any friends and family.

When my SO moved in with me he would always say "I'm doing this for you" I would tell him "No, you're doing it for yourself." But he never agreed with me. He also never really truly enjoyed living here. I think whoever moves, they need to go in thinking "I'm doing this for myself" You're moving to a new country for the experiences, the adventure, the fun, the ups and the downs. You're doing it to become a better person, and oh yeah, your SO lives there too. That's my view of moving to my SO's country. If everything goes up in flames well then at least it was a good story. And hell, I might even get some international work on my resume. That can't hurt can it?

[13000km]

I closed the distance recently, so maybe my opinions are not...accurate(?) yet.

We were very spoiled in LD. We spent all our time on skype (hours every day) but only managed one visit in 1.5 years because each visit costs 2000USD for the plane ticket ALONE. I don't miss getting a headache over spending that kind of money just for a short trip. I don't miss not having the comfort of him and his hugs. I don't miss having to work around time differences and talking only during certain times of the day. I don't miss getting frustrated and not being able to express myself through words alone. He does a great job reading my expressions in real life.

What I do miss is falling asleep while on skype with him. Since I don't live with him and we're now in the same time zone, he goes to sleep the same time as I do so I hardly get to fall asleep with him right there anymore. Because of how homesick I get we've left skype on while we sleep twice and he's come over to cuddle until I fall asleep before he leaves, which has been nice, but can't happen too often. One thing about CD that I struggle with too is not having friends of my own. School only starts in the fall and I can't get a job until the visa process is complete, which is who knows when, so everyone I know here I know through him, which isn't very cool at all. It makes me feel very lonely and even more homesick.

I haven't been here very long, so I haven't lost the "yay he's here!" everytime I see him. But I think us not living together helps a little bit with that. We still think of fun stuff to do together. He thinks up stuff I can do on my own while he's at school/work. And it makes it more interesting that we have to do this on a very tight budget.

Zephii is right, people do start to get lazy, both CD and LD, but when they start getting lazy is different in every couple. And both parties just have to work together to keep it not boring, it's not just going to fall and sit still in a lap.

[13000km]

I closed the distance recently, so maybe my opinions are not...accurate(?) yet.

We were very spoiled in LD. We spent all our time on skype (hours every day) but only managed one visit in 1.5 years because each visit costs 2000USD for the plane ticket ALONE. I don't miss getting a headache over spending that kind of money just for a short trip. I don't miss not having the comfort of him and his hugs. I don't miss having to work around time differences and talking only during certain times of the day. I don't miss getting frustrated and not being able to express myself through words alone. He does a great job reading my expressions in real life.

What I do miss is falling asleep while on skype with him. Since I don't live with him and we're now in the same time zone, he goes to sleep the same time as I do so I hardly get to fall asleep with him right there anymore. Because of how homesick I get we've left skype on while we sleep twice and he's come over to cuddle until I fall asleep before he leaves, which has been nice, but can't happen too often. One thing about CD that I struggle with too is not having friends of my own. School only starts in the fall and I can't get a job until the visa process is complete, which is who knows when, so everyone I know here I know through him, which isn't very cool at all. It makes me feel very lonely and even more homesick.

I haven't been here very long, so I haven't lost the "yay he's here!" everytime I see him. But I think us not living together helps a little bit with that. We still think of fun stuff to do together. He thinks up stuff I can do on my own while he's at school/work. And it makes it more interesting that we have to do this on a very tight budget.

Zephii is right, people do start to get lazy, both CD and LD, but when they start getting lazy is different in every couple. And both parties just have to work together to keep it not boring, it's not just going to fall and sit still in a lap.

[Beeks3]

When my SO moved in with me he would always say "I'm doing this for you" I would tell him "No, you're doing it for yourself." But he never agreed with me. He also never really truly enjoyed living here. I think whoever moves, they need to go in thinking "I'm doing this for myself" You're moving to a new country for the experiences, the adventure, the fun, the ups and the downs. You're doing it to become a better person, and oh yeah, your SO lives there too. That's my view of moving to my SO's country. If everything goes up in flames well then at least it was a good story. And hell, I might even get some international work on my resume. That can't hurt can it?

I entirely agree with youuu. I am returning to the school I attended in 2008-2009 and where I ended up meeting my fella and we will be living right down the block from eachother. Sometimes I wonder if he realizes that I am going to this school for ME and not solely to be with him. It's going to be a learning experience and probably a test of patience, that's for sure.

[CaptainKaz]

Thanks all for your responses - at least I know I'm not completely alone. Freaking out, maybe, but apparently not alone. It's also nice to hear about the good and the bad of your experiences, even if the bad isn't so palatable.

I get what you're saying, and I think - or I hope anyway - I'll be quite good at keeping things interesting, even close distance. But, and again this is going to sound entirely self-centred, I don't know if he will. He's quite different from previous boyfriends I've had in that he's very romantic, and now that I've got used to that (it took a while admittedly), I don't want to lose it! Are there any ways I can remind him that he still needs to make an effort to keep things exciting, without sounding like a complete and total bitch? Because if he said that to me, I know I'd take it as a personal failure, and then probably sulk, and then it would be the silent treatment for at least a week. Even though I was the one in the wrong. Ahh, the unknowable workings of a woman's brain.

And the problem is, I do feel like I'd be moving for him, and not for me. I love London, I love my job - and although I'm open to moving to New York and discovering a whole new city, I'd just as happily stay where I am. I think I just need to work on convincing myself what a great opportunity it all is. Which it is, and you're right, I do need to view it like that in case everything goes kaboom. But I do worry about the 'only having him as a friend at first' thing. which I know will be temporary, but I'm afraid I'll take out my frustrations on him, which just isn't fair.

Also - good luck to everyone, as you all seem to be in various stages of closing the distance. It sounds incredibly complicated and time consuming.

... which is something else that scares me. Oh, somebody just slap me already.