Difference in relationship after closing the distance?

[BananaToHana]

Hello all,

My SO and l will be closing the distance in just over a month

I was wondering if those who have closed the distance noticed any changes in their relationship/dynamics after finally being geographically near?

Did it make things easier? Harder? Was it easier to connect? Did you get along better, worse, the same?

Thanks so much!

[snow_girl]

We closed the distance almost 2 months ago and nothing has really changed. Of course it's easier to connect when you are closer. We haven't had any problems since.

[Zephii]

We closed the distance uhm... shit, nearly two years ago (haha and yet I'm still here.) And over the long term I've seen a lot of changes. Some are just because we're matured (I don't mean it in a bad way, but I feel he's finally caught up to me) but others are from the closeness.

The obvious one is we talk less. A lot less. It can actually be hard to broach deeper topics now because we don't have hours on skype to whisper things to each other. When we say things to each other now, we can see each other's faces - and sometimes that makes it hard to just spit it out. haha. We've learnt that deep conversations are more likely to happen if we're taking a walk together or if we're in the car. But time is something we have a lot less of too.

We used to have a 5 to 7 hour time difference, which sometimes was a pain, but most of the time worked to our advantage - because he likes staying up stupidly late and I like waking up early. Now we're on the same clock, so I can't just wait until he goes to sleep to get things done, and he can't just slip out of the house in the morning and be back before I'm up - meaning every day things now seriously cut into our time together. On days he works we get four hours together - and they aren't spent with indepth conversation, skype games, masturbation and other fun stuff like they where when we were LD. Now it's all boring shit, showering, making lunch for work the next day, running errands, trying to make time for family and friends.

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be together and get to be "normal" but once the novelty wears off, there are some things about LD that are rather nice. Sleeping alone isn't one of them however. Thank the Gods for not having to do that any more!!

At first it made everything harder - we didn't know how to work together as a team, we didn't know how to have fun together. I felt like an alien in this country, so I resented him, in time I wasn't sure I even loved him anymore.

About six months later that passed and things settled down... fast forward to now. Nope, it isn't easier. Relationships take work, whether they are LD or CD. We are closer now, but I think that's because we're growing together, our relationship is maturing with us.

We get along.... I guess I'm going to say "worse" because comparatively we "fight" a lot more. When we were LD we didn't really fight, we had nothing to fight over and we were so desperate to talk to each other, and our love was shiny and new... we also tackled difficult painful problems mostly in writing so that anger hurt and resentment wouldn't seep in and we could just deal with whatever the issue was. Now, it's different. We both work really hard, we have more responsibilities to each other. We have (had >.>) a place we needed to keep livably clean, we have finances to manages together, we have a responsibility to keep each other loved, supported and sexually satisfied - and the practical things you can do to achieve that are more numerous in a CDR - basically we have more facets of our lives to fit together now, and our concerns are more mature so we don't always see eye to eye. He also complains A LOT, which didn't communicate itself to me via skype and letters, and is one of my pet peeves (I'm a "suffer silently" kind of girl) so he gives me more reason to not get along with him. (And I'm sure I have a pet peeve of his or two also). But even though we fight more, we can do so without any fear that the other will leave, where as in the early stages of the relationship breaking up was actually a possibility.

It's hard to compare LD to CD because we were at different stages in our relationship. I guess if we end up LD again in two months, I'll be able to add to this haha.

[mllebamako]

(Zephii--I always love your posts. You are so honest and open)

We closed the distance 3.5 months ago and it's definitely been a mixed bag of emotions. In some ways, things were better. It was so amazing to be back in each others arms, sharing a bed, intertwining our lives.

On the other hand, it's been a struggle. When we were LD, we rarely fought. Now we have all these day-to-day, minute-to-minute interactions to bring up disagreements or misunderstandings. Being together also means that we are living in his country where he has all of his friends, a lot of his family, is fluent in the language, etc. I have none of that. So that brings up some difficulties too.

I guess it all depends on the people, the situation, and the stage of the relationship. We're taking it day by day, the good with the bad.

[Tanja]

I'm with Laura and Miriam on this one - I really miss some of the things from our LD relationship. We didn't fight much back then and always talked about any issues we had with anything. Now, we picker a lot over little meaningless things and don't talk (I mean really TALK) nearly as much anymore.

Obviously I wouldn't go back to that again, I love being close to him. There's nothing like waking up next to him every morning and cuddling until I fall a sleep at night. It's just that once you close the distance the relationship changes and it can take a while to adjust to that new way of things. It's not automatically rainbows and unicorns when you're together, it will take work and effort from both of you.

When you get things to work out it will be wonderful though

[LeilaniJoi]

I realize this was an old thread but I wanted to add another verification that things definitely do change when you close the distance. For us, it was going from talking all the time online and in text and needing to reaffirm to each other all the time how we felt. Looking back now I realize this was due to the distance. Once I moved however, we settled into more normalcy... jobs, bills, day to day stuff. We honestly do not fight - have not had the first one yet (knock on wood) though there have been times we kind of got sideways or were just cranky from work or whatever.

Closing the distance strips away all the fantasy and romance from the relationship and gives you the opportunity to see if you are still happy with what is left. That guy that was so awesome on camera may have smelly feet... can you live with that? Maybe he doesn't wake up in the best mood, not something you would know just by calling him from 1000 miles away. A short talk in the morning isn't like trying to drag someone out of bed in the morning... or dealing with their moods when they come home after work and are tired and uncommunicative.

Once you get past the insecurities and all the junk that comes with getting to know your fantasy real and in the flesh, then you are left with the gist of the relationship. We struggled... we never fought but there were definitely some times when I felt like I had lost something precious. I miss how we used to talk, I miss how he used to pursue me and send me little cute texts and things. I truly do miss all of that... but the tradeoff is that now in the mornings I can snuggle up to his side, or sit watching tv laughing together, or just ride in the car together holding hands. We are still the "us" that I miss... but we have grown into something far more as well and I would not want to lose that for the fantasy that was LDR.

[SquishyLove]

I have to say that I spent 6 weeks living with my fiance in Russia, and I feel like our relationship only improved and evolved being together in person. We lived in an apartment we rented and had to maintain ourselves instead of staying with his folks or in a hotel which would be so expensive (in Russia it's very hard for people in their 20's, even professionals, to afford their own housing, and multigenerational households are common), and we worked very well as a team to cook, clean, do laundry, and all other home stuff together, and we continued to communicate very well, which was so wonderful! It was only 6 weeks, but I think it was a good first taste of how we work as an in-person couple. When I got off that plane and saw him waiting there and he took my bags for me and we walked around the concourse to stretch my legs after my long flight, it was like I already knew what it felt like to be with him, and I've said this many times before, but it's very easy to be with him - we're so easygoing together and get along so well. Not trying to brag, I just know how lucky I am! I much more enjoy being in person with him than having to contend with a 7-hour time difference. We of course do our best with lots of Skype, calling each other on lunch breaks at work (using skype to save money of course), texts (using AIM or yahoo mobile to make the texts cheaper), and lots of cute emails and letters. Of course we have talked about how it will be different when we're both tired from working, but we find we enjoy just as much being together in silence just cuddling as we do talking about "everything and nothing" as we've coined it. We understand we're human and won't always feel cheerful. I can understand how some others might see the LDR as fantasy, but I don't necessarily agree. I think my guy and I have created a good foundation with our LDR for our in-person relationship because we've been completely transparent with each other about everything. Maybe we're just good at communicating.

[Sav88]

I closed the distance back in June and we've bonded more than ever before! Sure you have your ups and downs, but if you're truely in love with each other, those moments are forgiven easily. So moving closer, builds on your relationship and makes it stronger.

[garnet]

There is definitely less talking. Maybe even a little less of the *feeling special* if that makes sense. Getting the texts or emails, even better the carefully prepared snail mail. Oh and planning/having visits, that was so awesome. TBH, visits were happier times than day to day living together.

We had a unique situation because we got married very soon after he got his visa, and then I got pregnant and very sick for 8 months, followed by a very sick baby in the NICU for 3 months. We had no happy newlywed period at all.

Anyway CD is better, but I do miss a lot about LD.

Now, I like knowing he's mine lol. I don't have to wonder about the girls and how they're acting a country away! He has shown me that he will stick by me through EVERYTHING. Having no money is really hard. Having a sick baby is really hard. But we're working on it every day.

[lucybelle]

I gotta say I don't think there's anything I miss about being LD. We aren't (and never have been) the cutesy type of couples that send each other packages and flowers and cookies and long love letters. We never did any photoshopping of our pictures or wrote "I love you" in the sand. He only sent me one letter after I told him I wanted one and it took 2 months to get to me. For the majority of the time we were LD, we were in an open relationship and therefore we only sent one or two emails back and forth a week. When we finally decided to become exclusive, we skyped for about 30 minutes on the weekdays with his crappy internet so I couldn't even see his face, and nothing on the weekends. It sucked real bad.

When he moved in I had no idea what to expect. Within the 2 years we had known each other we had really only spent about 3 weeks total together. Not very much time. I was basically expecting the worse. But he was (and still is) awesome. We're both insanely positive, flexible people. He's definitely a "talk it out" kind of guy so we never had any real battles. I love trips and am good at planning them, so we have a lot of fun together. My SO is ridiculously romantic and tells me every day how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. We speak 2 different languages so I'm constantly learning and we have tons of things to talk about.

The only problem I'm facing now is how bored I am all the time at home. BUT, not only am I working on fixing that problem, my SO and his whole family is helping me as well. I think we work really well as a team. I think all the changes from LD to CD have been really positive for the both of us. But then again.. it's only been 7 months!

[Kerry]

this is a great question! I will be closing the distance at some point too and I'm curious about how the dynamics of the relationship change for the better/worse.