Probably a crazy idea, but what else can we do?

[Enric]

I'm 22 and my SO is 21. I study online and she works in an office with a little income. We both live with our parents but in different continents. We never have seen in real life but I finally fell in love and turned really obsessed with her. I need her so much, I feel very bad having her far. I want her more and more every day. But we can't afford trips at all, we're quite poor. And we don't know what to do, we had been talking many times but everything looks impossible. I searched a job many times but I've never found one, there are few offers and the ones I find always ask me stuff I don't have (experience, different degrees, driving license, car)... even sometimes I'm not accepted just for don't being a girl. It makes me be really poor, my parents feed me and let me live with them but they don'tpay me many things. I can't even have a cellphone, travel, go to a bar, buy shaving cream or buy new clothes.

So we finally thought that the only that we can do is bring her to my house, and live with my parents, everyone together. Even if we haven't meet in real life and my parents don't understand a single word in english language. She would be like a daughter for my mother.. She always complained about she never had daughters and she needs someone who helps her. My SO likes the idea and I explained that to my mother today, I felt shy for tell it but I finally did. But my mother doesn't accept her in home. She says that we don't have any empty room, true but I said to her that we can sleep in the same room. She also said that we don't have and that we don't have enough money for another person in home but I think it's no so expensive, we can live with quite few... She didn't say this today but she likes being naked in home in summer and it can bother her.

I asked her, then what I have to do? She wants that I date someone from my city, but it's impossible. I love her and no anyone else. And I don't like anybody from my land, plus they don't like me at all. I guess that my only opportunities of don't being single, is date asian girl. Then And she asked me to find a job and buy a house but she knows perfectly that I can't. Even if I find a job (almost impossible, never found one in my life), I will earn less than 1000 dollars. I don't know think that we will be able of pay house+light+water+taxes+food+etc with that....

But... She did what I want to. My mother took her boyfriend (my father) to her parents house. Actually my grandmother is the owner of this house. And no just it. Neither my parents or grandparents ever bought or rented a house. They always lived with the couple + parents of one. But they are exigent with me. They want that I leave home one day (it's not something of today) and they also want that I be the first person of my family in go to an university (but they don't want to pay the university).

So I feel that in part they are a bit unfair to me, too exigent. I know that finally I love my family and they love me but I'm very unhappy. I have a depression since I was 12 years old and I started to being bullied at school, I failed in the school, I had many problems and I can't repair my life. I feel very bad being as my old classmates have awesome lifes, dating in real life, travelling, going to universities or even getting awesome jobs but I can't do anything. I feel very bad since long time ago and nobody or nothings helps me in it. I feel now that the only that can bring me happiness is have my love near me (I never had a couple in real life). But it's getting impossible... I don't want to continue living of this way.

So going back to the topic. I can wait for meet her a bit but It looks like the situation won't change at all in many years and I don't want to be like this years and years. I want to bring her of some way and get marry so fast as we can. I readed our laws and I think that if we get marry she can't be expulsed.

I want some advice. Di any of us has or had a similar situation? Should I continue asking that to my mother or what to do?

[Barbie]

I know its hard for u guys but just have FAITH & lots of patience [Patience is a virtue] In the end everything will fall into place and both of u will be happy together. THINK POSITIVE :]
If you dont mind me asking where is ur SO from?

[JennyRW]

maybe you don't find a job because you are applying for to big, you need to star for the lowest part of a company, you should go to a Mc donalds, starbucks or some chain, those jobs are simple and they don't ask too much to hire people... It is an honest job and can help you save to visit her... I dont like the idea of bringin a girl you never saw to be maintain by your parents. So what is your plan? Like you say it's imposible to find a job so you will never ever work so you and your gf will be living and being supported by your parents for ever?

[Enric]

No. I don't apply for too big, I can accept the majority of jobs. I can't work in a Mc Donalds or Starbucks because we don't have them here. But all those jobs are fine. I wanted to work in either a restaurant, a shop, an office, a supermarket... all is fine but there are few offers and they ask experience. My plan is continue studying and trying to find a job at same time. And bring her here as soon as we can. I don't want this situation for ever, of course... but get ride of it is very complicate and it can be a first step. And I saw her in photos.

[Moon]

No. I don't apply for too big, I can accept the majority of jobs. I can't work in a Mc Donalds or Starbucks because we don't have them here. But all those jobs are fine. I wanted to work in either a restaurant, a shop, an office, a supermarket... all is fine but there are few offers and they ask experience. My plan is continue studying and trying to find a job at same time. And bring her here as soon as we can. I don't want this situation for ever, of course... but get ride of it is very complicate and it can be a first step. And I saw her in photos.

You can't bring her there, your mother said no. Listen, you're 22, not a kid anymore, and it's your mother's house and she doesn't want your girlfriend there. It's not your mother's responsibility to fund her adult son's foreign girlfriend, you can't really think it's acceptable for you both to live off of your mother, do you? If you can't find a job, how will your girlfriend when she probably doesn't speak the local language? You're an adult now, and it's time to take responsibility for your own things, my daughter is 22 and there's no way in hell I'd allow this.

I don't intend to sound like I'm being mean to you, but I think you need to mature a little bit and realize you need to be patient with this, believe me, you won't die if she doesn't go there right away, and if this is real love, then it'll still be there when you're both ready. I don't know which European country you're in, but you do know she can't just show up and move in, at least not legally and if it's done illegally she won't be able to work, or ever leave the country because they won't let her back in. Have you even looked into the different visas and their requirements? They're usually pretty strict. She can't just show up and live there.

If I were you, I'd do some serious thinking about the realistic steps you can take to be together. Ask questions here if you want, if we can't help, someone can probably point you in the right direction. Please don't bother your mother about it anymore.

[Enric]

Actually it's my grandmother house, but my mother lived all her life here (and me too). And actually who earns the money is mostly my father. And I agree that she won't be able of find a job here easily. I guess we have to wait but I'm scared about how long.

And I think legally is easy to move. Get a passport, a tourist VISA for three months and marry in those three months. After one year being here she gets the full citizenship. These laws are more strict in her land than mine.

I tried and tried to think many realistic steps but I didn't find any.

[Dziubka]

Everything Moon said.
You can't expect your family to let your girlfriend move in with them. She's a stranger for her and a stranger she can't even communicate with at that. I think it's totally understandable that she doesn't want to live with her.
Life isn't always easy or fair and sometimes it just doesn't work out the way you want it. You have to learn to accept that and deal with it.

I think I remember reading somewhere that you're from Spain, right? Ok, I get it, there's a crsis going on and it's hard to find a job... But really start anywhere. Like Jenny said McDonald's, Starbucks, Pan&Company (or whatever that catalan sandwich place is called), etc. If you can't find something in your city, you might want to look further away. Having a 1h+ commute sucks, but imho it's still worth it.

[lucybelle]

I saw your profile and it says that your relationship started in May of this year. Is that true? That means you have 4 months together. In my opinion you are trying to rush too much to be living with each other. It took my SO and I 2 years to close the distance. And most couples on here it has taken longer.

Financial burdens can put a huge strain on a relationship. I think it's really important to become stable first, before looking into moving in with each other. Perhaps both of you (when you find a job) can try to put away money every paycheck into a "visit" account. When you have saved up enough you then can figure out a visit.

Good luck.

[Enric]

Well. I readed your comments and I give up about that idea. Like the title, it's too crazy.

I know our relationship isn't long but I never planned to bring her here fast, I just thought in do in the future (minimum some months). Everyone (or almost) here have plans for meet their SO but I don't have any. Certailiny our distance is among the biggest ones, and we can't meet with a simple flight, so I guess we never will meet until we can live together (if our relationship is able of continue with all it). I'm scared of continue living of this way for a long time and I'm not always able of handle this situation.

But I guess that the only I can do is wait, wait, wait and find a way of get money. Buy a house and then live together. I can't work in other cities because I don't have a place driving license, car or a place where to sleep there. I would work in another city or country if I first find a job that allows me to buy a house. But I'm not sure about if I can leave my country until I resolve some health problems (I'm waiting for surgery and I need to get a vaccine every three months) and the exams.

I've never have seen Starbucks, I had to search in Internet for discover that it exists in my country and I found shops just in Barcelona. Uhm, my province doesn't have many international companyes. Mc Donald's is in the provincial capital but I would need a bus for go there (spend time, spend money, and problems with the schedules). Pans&Company was in that city too but they left my province some years ago, they are just around the sea now. Whatever, I don't think that there would be much difference working in a local company or a german supermarket.

[JennyRW]

Mc donalds and starbucks were just examples, it doesn't have to be in an international company. There must be restaurants, cafes, supermarkets, farmacies, different kinds of stores... Apply in all! If someon in your family has a busines better, you can talk with them to work... I'm just giving ideas...

---------- Post added at 12:13 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:08 AM ----------

and btw, I don't know if you ever heard this saying, but in Venezuela its popular: "el casado casa quiere" (the translation would be something like "the one that is married wants a house" but in spanish its a game on words). I wouldn't get married to go to live at my husband's parents, I want my own place, so both of you should try to save money for some years before thinkong on getting married.

[Enric]

Nobody in my family has a business, I would apply to them first if they had. Those cafes, supermarkets, farmacies and different kinds of stores don't have any job offer or they have just some where they ask characterstics that I don't have.

I've never heard that saying but I know that many people (the majority nowadays) think like that.

[Engel]

Mc donalds and starbucks were just examples, it doesn't have to be in an international company. There must be restaurants, cafes, supermarkets, farmacies, different kinds of stores... Apply in all! If someon in your family has a busines better, you can talk with them to work... I'm just giving ideas...

---------- Post added at 12:13 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:08 AM ----------

and btw, I don't know if you ever heard this saying, but in Venezuela its popular: "el casado casa quiere" (the translation would be something like "the one that is married wants a house" but in spanish its a game on words). I wouldn't get married to go to live at my husband's parents, I want my own place, so both of you should try to save money for some years before thinkong on getting married.

they have the same saying in portuguese. "quem casa quer casa".

XD

---------- Post added at 10:54 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:50 PM ----------

and to the op: arent you making excuses? im sure there is SOMETHING you can work at? even if it doesnt pay much...

i am going to marry my so next year and aftet that will start to look for jobs, as my last visa didnt allow me to work.
and i think yiu are rushing into wanting to live together with someone you never met. its expensive to live together, to get married, to vist and etc, so if you are saying both you and her are that poor you cant ever afford a visit ever arent you two being a little dellusional to insist on this relationship? sorry, dont mean to be rude, just wanted to really know what do you think is the future for you and her, is there a chance of future together at all?

[Enric]

I'm not making excuses. I never worked but I neither rejected a job. I wouldn't accept all kind of jobs but yes the majority. Whatever I didn't find any offer that I can reject, I only found offers of jobs that I can't do becausee I don't have the necessary characteristics for being accepted (experience, studies, car, driving license, languages, vagina, etc.). There are many y unemployed people searching job and very few job offers.

Delusional? We don't have a normal relationship but we have a long distance relationship chatting almost every day. It isn't my fantasy, we talked much and we love one each other. I don't know the future, but I don't have many hopes. I said to her, you can date guys in your island if you want (there were some guys who wanted to date her) and she tried to date (just hang out and chat a day, nothing of kiss or sex) two of them. In part I felt scared about she would leave me for another, but in part I thought that find a boyfriend in her island is better for her. Whatever that didn't work much, she didn't like them. I love her too much for leave her, and I don't have opportunities of date in real life, so break up doesn't sound really good. I guess I will wait a couple of years and if nothing changes... then commit suicide.