We're Starting to Talk About Closing the Distance, Need Some Advice

[Sierra]

Hey everyone,

My boyfriend and I have started to talk about closing the distance. I live in California and he lives in Texas and I would be going there. I'm a little bit worried about how to prepare for this move. I'll obviously be doing my best to find a job in the field I currently work in, but I need some kind of backup plan if I can't find one right away.

Because of a massive injury to my back, I'm only able to work part time, so I don't really have a way to save money for the move, but I'll be saving all that I can.

And I'm really nervous about my stuff, what do I bring with me, what do I leave behind? What if we break up and I have to move back and I've gotten rid of everything?

I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone going through this right now or who has closed the distance in the past.

[Sierra]

Just figured out that if I do some extra work on the side for my mom in her tax office I can probably save up a couple thousand dollars which should help with moving expenses and have a little nest egg for me when I go ... so that's good.

[lucybelle]

Well I moved via plane so I brought my clothes, my good knife, my sewing machine, and that's about it. Everything else I sold or gave away. I think it's best to bring as little as possible. I gave away a LOT of my stuff because I felt like I needed good karma before a big move

You two need to talk finances before moving in. Who will be paying rent? Who will pay for bills and groceries? Will you have a budget? What happens if you can't find a job? I recommend taking at least 3 or 4 months of living expenses with you. Finding jobs is not always as easy as one thinks.

And then, what will you do if you break up? Will you go back home? Will you stay in Texas? My SO and I had a very real conversation about this before we closed the distance.

[Sierra]

If we break up I'll come back to California. My mother owns the studio I live in now and I'll re-rent it from her. As for living expenses without a job, if I can work for my mom I can save up a couple thousand dollars ($4,000 - $6,000). I just figured my moving expense will be about $2,000 (ouch) because I have to tow my car.

We obviously need to have more of a talk about this, I do not plan on making the move without some kind of a job lined up, and I've worked at Starbucks before so hopefully they can take me back (even if this kills my back) and I've asked him to help me try to find a job, which he said he would.

We haven't talked finances yet, but I will be bringing it up this weekend. I would assume that I would be paying half the rent/bills/food, and wouldn't expect anything else. I don't expect him to carry my weight.

I had no idea moving would cost so much when it's not even THAT far considering.

[lucybelle]

We haven't talked finances yet, but I will be bringing it up this weekend. I would assume that I would be paying half the rent/bills/food, and wouldn't expect anything else. I don't expect him to carry my weight.

Definitely bring this up. When my SO moved in with me he couldn't work (on tourist visa) so I paid full rent, full bills, and we split food, gas, etc. Now that I'm living with him and he has a job, the roles have reversed. He pays rent and bills. The way I looked at it was I was going to be paying my rent whether my SO was living with me or not. We live minimally so bills didn't skyrocket when he moved in (electric bills never went over $20). So I didn't mind paying while he lived with me. He cleaned up and helped in other ways while I was at work. Now he says he'll support me for the same time I did him (6 months). After that things go 50/50. I don't think it's unrealistic to ask your SO to continue paying rent while you look for a job for 2 or 3 months. But this obviously depends on his financial situation.

[Zephii]

Do you think your mom would store some stuff for you? Then you could either have it brought to Texas later, or in the even you break up you wont have lost everything?
Talk about roles too - what you expect from each other. Does he expect you to work and do all the housework? Do you expect him to mow the lawn and clean gutters? Do you expect him home in time for dinner? Do you expect him to cook dinner? Talk about friends too - is it ok to have people visit without warning each other first? Do his family visit at noon every sunday? Do you want to save for anything big together - are you planning a wedding or holiday or to buy a house? How much say do you expect to have about each other's incomes? Are you going to care if he lives paycheque-to-paycheque, or if he disaproves of you doing so?

There's a thousand questions to ask, and you should ask them even if you think you know the answer. Living together isn't the same as being together on long visits.

Man I wish my moving expenses were $2000 >.> Ours are 5000 and they are only that low because my family is completely supporting us until we get on our feet. Crazy stuff!

[Mara]

I think it's good to think semi-long term as well. Are you planning on this being a permanent move? If not, how long will the two of you stay there? With you working part time because of your back would it be feasible for you to pay half of all the bills? All things the two of you need to discuss. Also like Zephii said it's good to discuss expectations of each other. It makes the transition smoother.

As for things, when I moved to and in with my SO I brought all my essentials; clothes, various personal items, and my car. Luckily, I didn't have really any furniture and what little I did have I left with my mother. My SO's apartment was completely furnished so we had no need for my things. I would bring with you on your move all of your essentials and anything that your SO's apartment needs, but doesn't have. Bringing anything else would probably be impractical.

The possibility of breaking up was heavy on my mind when I moved in with my SO. I knew it was a possibility because we hadn't known each other or been together long when we moved in together so I tried to keep a savings account in it with enough money in case I had to go home. My just in case he turns out to be a douche money as I called it.

[Sierra]

This would be a permanent move. I asked him last night if he could please give some serious thought to us moving in together because I have several choices I have to make in my life coming up that need me making long term commitments. I need to know if he's REALLY at the point where we can move in together and I'd like to have a real conversation about it.

We decided to talk about it in person when I'm out there, so we'll see how it goes.

I think that maybe moving my stuff into storage until we say, move into a bigger place, would be a good idea and cut down on my moving costs. I guess we'll just have to see where our conversation goes this weekend. Thank you so much everyone for giving me things to think about and bring up, it's most helpful.