Really worried/stressed about semi-permanent move

[BlueCat]

I think I just need some reassurance here. I am currently 4 months into a 6 month visit with my SO, and the plan is for me to stay at least another 6 months, maybe a couple of years if we can work it out, to try and actually be in a situation where we are no longer long-distance. It's what I want, and I always knew it was a possibility, but it honestly scares the hell out of me. I don't want to go home and leave my SO, but I'm scared of leaving all that behind. I'm also worried about the legal logistics of it, and things that I would have to sort out at home like selling my car, quitting my job etc. I talked to my SO about it, and while he wasn't annoyed, he didn't seem to understand why I was so worried and upset about it. I was just trying to talk to him about it to try and ease my mind about it and while he did somewhat do that, he did it in an almost-annoyed way like it was stupid that I was upset, and I just needed some reassurance and for him to tell me he loved me and help assure me that we would work it out, but he just didn't seem to get it. He told me he was sure it would work out, but he just seemed bothered that I was upset, like it was stupid for me to be.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I just really needed the loving reassurance and I feel like he didn't understand. He knows it's got to be hard for me, but doesn't understand why I worry about it so much. I guess he's just so much more level-headed about it. I don't know how to deal with it, I don't want to bring it up again and bother him. But I feel like I'm going to be worrying about it all the time until we actually properly figure it out rather than just me telling him how I'm worrieid about it.

Anyway, that's enough ranting. Any thoughts from previous experience?

[Zephii]

He's not worried because it's not him going through it, or maybe he doesn't realise there are a hundred little things that need to be done before it falls into place. Either way, he wont understand unless you take the time to explain it to him.
Maybe also, he doesn't think your silly, he's just scared you won't do it.

Hang in there

I get this a lot from my partner, because he neither has the ability to worry, nor to become excited. He seems to have no emotional connection going on when he's thinking about the future. I don't get it honestly. For the longest time it was as though there was something wrong with me - I had all these worries, I was so stressed over moving and the wedding and the visa and just ugh - and in the end it was right for me to be stressed - his laid-back attitude landed us LD again.

Maybe you'd be best to write a list of all the things that will need to be done and discuss that with him - see if you can get him to take a few tasks off your shoulders while you're at it.

[Kwala]

I feel for you, BlueCat. I'm making a move too from Oz (to Boston) in about a year. Even with some life experience and money behind me, I'm still scared in certain ways. The big one is: what if I don't find a job? Or what if I screw up my career? Of course, there's lots of the other worries I've got too.

One thing that stands out here is that your SO doesn't seem to have much empathy regarding your move. Does he get what a BIG deal it is to move countries? We are shifting away from our support network and home culture into a completely different culture and starting again. It's a sacrifice, and that needs to be appreciated!

Speaking as a guy, we are pretty well known for being clueless about how to listen to our partners. Took me years of being married to even start to get that! Maybe it's something you can gently train your SO in?

[BlueCat]

Thanks so much for your responses and support. I think he was possibly just a little bit annoyed that day. Because we have talked about it more since, and while I'm definitely still more worried about everything, he says he understands how much he's asking of me and what I'm going to have to go through. So he definitely does have empathy for me, I think it's the sort of thing that's hard to understand how it feels unless you have to go through it yourself. We actually made an appointment the other day to meet with someone with U.S immigration next week to basically talk out our options and work out what is best for us. I think the fact that we have done that has taken a huge weight off of my shoulders, just knowing that we actually are doing something about it rather than me just worrying about it.

I'm not so worried about not being able to get a job, but I am worried about driving over here, even after all my visits, I'm still not comfortable with the traffic here. So that will certainly be interesting. I'm really hoping if I do get a job that I can avoid the customer service industry too, but most likely I will just have to take what I can get.

Kwala, we can both be bad at listening sometimes. Though we have small arguments, they never last for long as neither of us likes arguing and one of us soon apologises and it's more induced by the stress of the whole situation than actual problems.

[BlueCat]

Well, we've been working on working this out. At this point in time, it looks like I'll be going back home again. It will be tough to be separated again, but it's for a good cause. More than likely, we're going to start the process for a fiance visa to get me back over to the states to get married. At this point in time we're not actually engaged, but it's all part of the process. So it will likely be at least another six months to a year apart before I can make the move, but at the very least, it gives me a chance to earn as much money as possible in that time to help give us something to stand on until I can get a job as well. It seems like a very daunting process, but fortunately I have a friend who went through exactly the same process with her husband, so they are helping a whole lot! There's still a lot to think on and work out, but at this point, it looks like we could very well be together permanently by the end of 2012.

[lucybelle]

Well I'm glad you guys have talked it out and it seems like you have a good plan lined up.

Moving internationally is never anything to take lightly. I get stressed out pretty easily over visa stuff. I did so much research on how to get a work permit and all this other stuff, only to get here and find out that I somehow missed half the steps. I was so mad (not rightfully so, but all the same) at my SO for never once helping me look up visa stuff. I was so sure that if he had helped me, one of us would have caught all the things I missed. He thought I would be okay, because I do lots of traveling and am good at planning trips. Well planning trips is not the same as looking up how to stay legally in a country. Since my freak out, he has really started helping me. It's really not okay to have a lackadaisical attitude towards international moves and visas. They're complicated, expensive and stressful.

[BlueCat]

Well I'm glad you guys have talked it out and it seems like you have a good plan lined up.

Moving internationally is never anything to take lightly. I get stressed out pretty easily over visa stuff. I did so much research on how to get a work permit and all this other stuff, only to get here and find out that I somehow missed half the steps. I was so mad (not rightfully so, but all the same) at my SO for never once helping me look up visa stuff. I was so sure that if he had helped me, one of us would have caught all the things I missed. He thought I would be okay, because I do lots of traveling and am good at planning trips. Well planning trips is not the same as looking up how to stay legally in a country. Since my freak out, he has really started helping me. It's really not okay to have a lackadaisical attitude towards international moves and visas. They're complicated, expensive and stressful.

You've certainly got that right, they are stressful and they require so much planning. We've barely even scratched the surface with our research and it seems so overwhelming and unnecessarily complicated already. But I suppose it has to be to weed out all of those fake people. The Immigration office gave us a list of free legal places that give advice to people regarding immigration, so we're thinking of checking out one of those just to ask some more questions, see if there is actually an easier way (which I doubt) etc. as my SO is convinced that there must be another way as I'm english speaking, college educated etc. But I think he's just being hopeful and also a bit annoyed and stressed by the whole system. Which is understandable.

I think the thing he is most concerned about is how long we might be separated again. Our most recent one was really hard on both of us, harder than any of the others we've been through, and so he's really worried about having another long one, which I understand. It is scary, and I don't want to be apart for so long, but if it helps us make money and be able to afford it, then it might be what we have to do. We'll figure it out though.

[lucybelle]

I think most visa processes take between 5 months to a year to fully go through. So definitely start planning now.

You can hire a lawyer to help you through the process. It will be much easier on you, and of course much more expensive. Here, for an immigration lawyer it's $2000 PLUS all the other stuff I would have to pay anyways. No thanks, I'll deal with the mess myself. Plus there's tons of scams out there to just get your money so be careful.

Best of luck!

[BlueCat]

Yeah, it seems that 5 months is sort of the minimum time limit for approval. At the very least, we make sure that we know everything. We've been doing a lot of research into it all. It's a little overwhelming and stressful on both of us just thinking about it. But we're getting there. I don't think we're going to go down the lawyer route, it would be helpful. But I'm sure we can manage it on our own, rather than paying all those fees in addition to all the other fees for the application process etc.

Thanks.