Still deciding on if LD will work for us. Any insights will help =)

[CommPhD]

Hi everyone!

I'm new and my boyfriend and I might be starting a LDR in a few months but I still haven't decided if I want to move away. I came here for some insight, inspiration, and if anyone is in similar shoes. I have two options and two weeks to decide my life and my relationship.

Currently, my bf and I live together. He has an amazing job and I have an okay job or actually jobs (3 of them!). But it has always been my intention to get a PhD (even before I started dating my bf almost 3 years ago). I applied to programs to see if I would get in and I did. Unfortunately, they are all far away because that is the nature of my discipline.


Here are my two options:


Option 1: Start my PhD program and be away for 3 years. I've been offered full tuition remission and a teaching assistantship. The program is in a very low cost of living city (Lincoln) and so I could live on my own. I would be able to fly back to Cali during the summer (3 months) and winter break (1 month) every year. Since my bf has a good job, he can afford to fly out when he can too.

Option 2: Stay here, don't do LDR but miss out on my PhD. I don't think I want to reapply again. At least not any time soon...it was a lengthy and hard process to wait for all of these offers. My job prospects here are okay...not the best because California has no money but since my bf makes good money, we can get by.

Anyways, in the end, it really comes down to my own personal satisfaction. Do I forget my career dream to stay with an amazing person? Or do I test the distance and try to get my PhD and also try to make LD work?

I know this is my decision in the end but if anyone is in a similar state or has anything to say, I will gladly listen =).

Thanks.

[11MikesGirl21]

I'm currently working on my undergraduate degree. I'm the "cause of the distance." My SO lives with my gandparents back home. (He is orginally from Maryland. I'm from Massachusetts. We met at school in NY. He withdrew due to costs. I stayed) My SO has told me that while he does hate the fact that I'm away from him and he sees school as an "option" that he understands in the long run for us to work as a family in the future and for me to do something I'd be happy with, I have to be in school right now. It's not an option in the long run. It's good for us and good for me that I get my schooling at least up to a Masters Degree level (for teaching) now and it's going to take me up to 4 yars from now to do it. (I'd love to get a doctorate in Grammar Studies, which I may do online in the future--but that's beside the point.) You won't know if you can handle being LD until you try it. And this opportunity doesn't sound like it will come again. With a PhD you set yourself up for bigger and better things for you both in the future.

I'm not saying it's easy. It's hard it's really hard. every now and then I feel guilty. It's only recently that my boyfriend even realized that he should stop resenting my schooling and start actively supporting me. I always knew he did, he just never said he did. Talk it over with your boyfriend first. See what he thinks, if you feel he's going to give you the support you're going to need to do this, go for it. If not, think about it. But with how expensive education is and with how expensive it is, it's not an opportunity you can really afford to give up. (Maybe my education rant is my inner Education major, but you see my point.) Feel free to PM me if you have any more questions.

[Kristin91]

In my opinion, if you put your career and your PhD on hold for your boyfriend, and then worst case scenario you break up, you will regret it forever. If you're both willing to put in the work, an LDR is possible- hard but possible. Good luck!

[kittyo9]

Just read what you wrote again-- you are clearly leaning towards option one, and there should be no shame about it! Your boyfriend loves you and I am positive that he wants you to do what's best for you. He will always be there for you, even in an LDR, but these opportunities won't. Take them while you can.

Being LD will take some getting used to, and it will be very hard for the first few months, but I think you will get used to it, and I think you both have the right resources to make it work.

[Sunbeam]

I'm currently working on my undergraduate degree. I'm the "cause of the distance."

This.
My boy originally resented my schooling, but we both got used to it, and it doesn't suck as much now. LDRs are entirely possible, and we'll be here for support

[lucybelle]

LDRs suck, but they're not impossible. It seems like you both have good resources to be able to visit each other. Go for your PhD.

[dukes2011]

My story definitely has some similarities to yours. My boyfriend and I graduated college in May 2011 and I need a Master's for my discipline, but he does not. I applied to mostly grad schools close to home, however I only got into one. It's in New York which is 5 hours my house and 7 from his. I literally had 48 hours to make the decision if I was going or not. I was taken off the wait list and my spot would go to another person if I turned it down. I had never even visited the school or even the area.

At first my SO was not thrilled I might end up in New York, but he didn't show it because he didn't want to influence my decision. The next day, I told him I was accepting the spot and doing it for me since I just had a gut feeling. I didn't want to go to another program, hate it, and regret not giving New York a chance for the rest of my life. It was hard taking such a big leap of faith and doing something that would change our relationship so much, but we have become so much stronger for it.

Yes doing a lot of school work and being in a LDR is tough, but you make it work. My SO has a busy job so sure there are definitely times we barely talk and just email, but we got used to it. Knowing that you can make visits work is a great feeling and while it's not easy being apart, my boyfriend and I know we are doing something now to better ourselves as a couple later. Seems like you have that mentality, too. Good luck and know that we're all for you. It's great because there are members from all over the world, so someone's always online whenever you need to talk.

[11MikesGirl21]

This.
My boy originally resented my schooling, but we both got used to it, and it doesn't suck as much now. LDRs are entirely possible, and we'll be here for support

That's my wording not my SOs. He's never said that, except in jest and it's never those words. It's always something like "well if you were here and not off gettin' your edumication..." said with a chuckle.

[CommPhD]

Thanks everyone!!! Gosh I feel so much better! My SO and I just had a really good conversation that makes me feel more confident about making my way toward my PhD. I am honestly very scared for not only our relationship but also for the journey ahead...but I keep telling myself that this is normal and that moving to a new place is sometimes exciting/scary. I will definitely stay on these forums because reading your posts really helps me feel not alone.

Thanks again!

[dukes2011]

Glad you are feeling better about pursuing your PhD and hope to see you around the forums more

[DemonxOisin]

I would say to DEFINITELY take the chance at getting you PhD. If itīs something youīve always wanted, changing your mind just to be with your current SO might make you regret it for the rest of your life. In my opinion, if he is worth it, being LD will only make your bond stronger It is challenging, but DEFINITELY not impossible! And itīs not all bad With a positive attitude, LDRīs can be quite the rewarding experience!