Hi, I’m Kat and I need advice about my LDR…

[Kattastic]

My name is Kat and I just joined this forum. From glancing at a few posts, I’m afraid that some of you might want to slap me because my SO and I only live an hour and 40 minutes apart. Did I just say “only”? To me, that’s a long distance relationship! I’m thankful that I don’t have to deal with my SO being in another country.

My boyfriend Tom and I met on Match.Com back in April 2011. Once we started dating, we quickly moved into an exclusive relationship with frequent contact. I’m lucky because we spend our weekends together and we don’t have to wait months to see each other. We are both very much in love, but the distance is beginning to weigh on me significantly.

A few months ago, Tom and I had a serious talk and it was determined that because I have a 7 year old daughter and crossing state lines with her wouldn’t be easy, he should move to be with us. We thought about moving half way so that each of us had about 50 minutes – 1 hour of a daily commute one-way, but the thought of that made me sick. I don’t want to spend 1.5 – 2 hours daily in a car. I especially don’t want my daughter to endure that.

Tom was reluctantly in agreement, which I understand. Of course he doesn’t want to leave his family or friends or job, but he doesn’t have any children and he’s expressed his displeasure about his job, where as I love mine.

The lease on Tom’s apartment is up in August and he just found out about an opportunity at his job that MIGHT be coming up in the next few months where he would increase his salary by about 60% or more. So, instead of moving in with me in the new townhouse that we BOTH just signed a lease on, he’s thinking of moving in with his friends temporarily.

If he does get the raise at his current job, then he’ll stay with his friends until I can move half way next June.

I’m so torn!! I’ve been sick the past few days because I thought everything was mostly settled. We signed a lease a couple of weeks ago together. I thought the stupid every-weekend-travel was over. I was beginning to relax and now I might have to endure another year of long distance!

And then when that year is up, do I want a daily commute like that? Do I want to put my daughter through that commute? The answer is no. Tom thinks that I am being inflexible. I could talk to my family and friends about this, but they’re biased. Of course they would want me to stay nearby, etc.

I need advice. Let me know your unbiased thoughts please. If you want more info, ask. I will be happy to share!

Thanks for reading and hopefully responding

Kat

[kittyo9]

My mom used to commute about an hour to an hour and 15 minutes each way to get to work and she hated it. The gas money, the extra car service, and the time spent away from her family were really pressuring. She got really lucky, though-- the company wanted to make more room in the office for people to come in, so they asked her if she wanted to work from home, since most of her work is computer-based, and she happily agreed. Now she only has to commute like once a month, and the rest of the time she doesn't have to go anywhere!

She also used to date my now stepfather long-distance (CT to Long Island) after they met online. He had a low-paying job and lived in a tiny rented house by himself. He has a daughter the same age as I am, but she lived with her mom, while my mom had both my younger sister and I (we were like 12 and 5 at the time) living at home and dependent on her, so it was obvious that he was the one that needed to move, even though it meant he would see his daughter and relatives less often and would have to find a new job. He ended up trying a few jobs out before he found one he was happy with, but he was happy nonetheless because he was able to live with his girlfriend/wife and the kids that had become his family.

There's a section in the subforums for couples in which one or both partners have children, too, if you'd like to check that out.

[Haley53]

I guess my opinion is that there should always be compromise and you should always be willing to make the same sacrifice as your SO. While I could not move away from the U.S. to begin with, as I will have a lot tying me to the states until I build up a career/reputation, I am not completely unwilling to move with my SO to Europe if that came up for consideration, and I am sure that at some point, it will. Thing is, the move isn't easy for anyone to make, regardless of how many ties you have. My partner has less ties than I do, but it will still be completely uprooting him and dumping him into an entirely new country and culture and way of living, and the same would be/is true for the reverse.

The thing is that I'm torn here. On the one hand, I want to say that since you have a child, she comes first. She likely has friends, she has school, etc. and a 1 hour plus commute is a lot to ask 5+ days out of the week for her alone. In that sense, I see why it would make sense for you to want him to move to you. However, on the other hand, meeting halfway seems to be a good compromise where it's doable. My question, though, is why either one of you has to make the commute? For example, say you stayed in your area, where you love your work and have your daughter to attend to, and he moved to you. Could he not put in applications for work elsewhere? I'm not understanding why he would have to make that kind of commute when what he should be doing in this time leading up to the move, where he's working towards this promotion, is putting in applications. I'm not currently understanding why the sacrifice is only the place you both live, when it's not like either of you are forced to make the commute.

I do think it's important to discuss with him though. While your daughter could go to a new school and meet new people/make new friends, while still being close enough to her old ones to keep in contact, the fact of the matter is, regardless of whether or not you want to make the move, your daughter's best interests come before closing the distance, and he needs to understand that. When you date someone with children, it's not like they can simply drop everything and move over to you no problem because you fell in love and want your happy ending. No, you make as many sacrifices and compromises as would a parent in that same situation. I do think weighing up your daughter's pros and cons would be the best thing to do, and I would present these to him.

That being said, seeing as part of the reason is your feelings about the commute (have you asked your daughter how she feels about any of this?), I would otherwise say, if it weren't for your daughter, that yes, you're being somewhat inflexible. I don't see why you feel it's fair he should have to put up with the commute to get to his job, but it's not something you're willing to do too. I don't think anyone wants to spend 3 hours a day getting to and from work. However, your daughter tilts the scales slightly more in your favour.

[Kattastic]

Kitty - thank you for your advice; I wish I had the option of working from home, but my job has a lot to do with paperwork and it isn't really feasible. I have thought about options with reducing days in the office though, but even 4 days of commuting is a lot for me. I am looking at other options though.

Eclaire, thank you for your advice as well. I think I confused you because what I didn't mention is that if he moves to my city, then he would also have to seek employment near me so that neither of us have a commute. I just don't want to spend my life in a car. My daughter is 7 and I don't want to burden her with adult drama, but I do talk to her and she cries thinking about leaving her dad, school, cousins, etc. that all are within 1 mile of her right now.

I think if I didn't have my daughter, I would move to him and seek a new job in his area. He lives in a nice area and it's comparable to mine. It's easy for me to say that though because I don't have an actual plans on moving.

The area between us, which would be the "compromise" location where we both stay at our current jobs and each commute in opposite directions is a bit rural. I am not a fan of rural places as I'm not used to them. The closest grocery store is a commute. There is no movie theater within 30 minutes. There is a Wal-mart, but I'm not a fan of Wal-Mart, haha

I'm just so torn because I've been in a very bad relationship before (my failed marriage) and I feel that my relationship with Tom is so different and mostly healthy and loving. Our biggest issue is the constant back and forth with visitation.

Thanks again in advance for suggestions, thoughts and advice!

[Haley53]

Honestly, I think if your daughter is distraught over it, which is to be expected, then he needs to take that into consideration. It might be hard since he does not have children, but your daughter needs to come first in that situation. :/

[lucybelle]

That living in between cities thing sounds just awful. For everyone involved. I think the obvious option is for him to quit his job and move to you. The thing is that when in an LDR, someone is going to have to give up their home. Can you support him emotionally and financially while he finds a job in your area? This could take up to a year. In the meantime, why doesn't he make the 1.5 hour commute from your home to his work? Yeah it's a lot, but it's only 30 min more than if you were living in no-man's land.

[Kattastic]

Lucybelle, I agree that living in the middle sounds awful. You're not supposed to just agree with me!

The thing about him commuting to his current job is that his current job is 20 or 30 minutes from his current place in the opposite direction. So it would be a two hour commute one way. Yuck! That's why he's thinking of living with friends 4 nights per week and just continuing to see me on weekends. My fear of him doing that is he'll continue to have his entire life in MD and still want to hang out there on weekends and stuff. I don't mind him going to MD to visit friends and family, but if I only get to see him on weekends, then that's a problem! If we lived together and saw each other every day, and he wanted to travel to them on the weekends, it'd be ok. I'm babbling...

I can't fully financially support him while he looks for a job. I think that I can emotionally, but who knows without really trying?

Thanks so much for your input!