International LDM - feeling confused

[nzleagle]

Hi there,

Ive been with my SO for 5 years, Married for 2, and we have two children aged 2 and 4 together, We moved from New Zealand to Central New South Wales in Australia for better money, better lifestyle, etc. However after been here for 6 months, she decided that she missed her family too much, and that she couldn't get used to the town that we were living in.

I had a goal when I came over here, and if I was to go back now we would be worse off than before we left, which is one of the reasons why I left in the first place.

So to keep my wife happy, and still achieve the goals I set, I said that Im not going to go back to NZ, and that she can go if she wants.

Its been just over a month since her and the kids left, and im already starting to wonder if it is going to work long term, She thinks her family is "Helping" her out, but from what I can see they are taking advantage of her. I don't get on with her family to start off with, and with what her family is doing is really doing my head in. I love her to bits, but the thought of ever moving back there, and having to deal with her family on a daily basis again, makes me want to just call it quits now.

But anyway, thats a quick introduction to my LDM, and me, look foward to talking to others in simular situations.

[MadMolly]

Hey! I live in NZ too!

I think the main thing you need to focus on is what exactly it is that her family is doing wrong. How are they taking advantage of her? Remember this is a marriage with children; you married into her family when you married her, so they are your family too and they are always going to be around. I'm guessing it must be quite bad if you are thinking about calling the relationship quits based on that. Think about what would make the situation better and solutions etc.

As for the moving thing... I know what NZ's economy is like vs Australia's so it makes sense that you earn money over there, because buying a house here on a NZ salary is downright impossible most of the time. While it is awful being away from your family, being able to provide for them long term is also very important. Just make sure you put aside plenty of time to skype with your kids. It's a shame your wife couldn't be happy in Australia too but these things happen I guess. I really hope you guys can make it through the distance until you go back. Do you have any visits planned?

[Moon]

This normally isn't the section to ask for advice, but I'm going to try anyway.

You're married, once that happens your marriage trumps things like missing your parents, your spouse is now your closest family. If both of you made the decision to move together, she doesn't get to back out because she misses mommy and daddy, you have children that no longer get to live with their father, and that's ridiculous. Honestly, I'd find this situation unacceptable, when she made those vows (and had those kids) she made a life with you, and missing family isn't a good enough excuse to leave you. I could see if there were actual issues in the town, or your marriage, but I'm really having trouble trying to understand what the hell she's thinking.

[snow_girl]

This normally isn't the section to ask for advice, but I'm going to try anyway.

You're married, once that happens your marriage trumps things like missing your parents, your spouse is now your closest family. If both of you made the decision to move together, she doesn't get to back out because she misses mommy and daddy, you have children that no longer get to live with their father, and that's ridiculous. Honestly, I'd find this situation unacceptable, when she made those vows (and had those kids) she made a life with you, and missing family isn't a good enough excuse to leave you. I could see if there were actual issues in the town, or your marriage, but I'm really having trouble trying to understand what the hell she's thinking.

I wanted to comment on this earlier but couldn't find the words, Moon took them out of my mouth.

[dglynn77]

This normally isn't the section to ask for advice, but I'm going to try anyway.

You're married, once that happens your marriage trumps things like missing your parents, your spouse is now your closest family. If both of you made the decision to move together, she doesn't get to back out because she misses mommy and daddy, you have children that no longer get to live with their father, and that's ridiculous. Honestly, I'd find this situation unacceptable, when she made those vows (and had those kids) she made a life with you, and missing family isn't a good enough excuse to leave you. I could see if there were actual issues in the town, or your marriage, but I'm really having trouble trying to understand what the hell she's thinking.

Just wanted to agree with this too! Great thoughts, Moon, and excellently worded!