My story. Its confusing and advice would help

[UnderneathTheSameSky]

Hello I am Christina and I am 32 years old. I was enganged to a man named Mike (the one I am in the LDR with now) for almost 3 years. In 2013 I made easily the biggest mistake of my life. I left Mike because he was just not being into the relationship and he had a Xanax issue. Instead of leaving for a month and seeing if he'd come back I met a new man very quickly and married him in less that 8 months. All this time I still loved Mike, even more as Joe (husband) became more and more abusive not physical but smashing everything in the house calling me evil names as in "You were a rescue a DOG I rescued you like a pathetic dog" Plus one of my passions is news and politics not only would Joe refuse to talk about news with me (but would accuse me of never trying to talk to him) hes a conservative I am a progressive.
Anyway I came to my senses and left Joe, and reunited with Mike, then less than a month later because of an issue neither of us had any control over he had to move to Flordia. When we first reunited he would text me all kinds of loving things, but his cell broke so we talk on his house phone now, and on FB messenger forget it. He's never been Mr.Romantic and maybe the "romance" I am looking gor doesn't exist except on TV.
Mike and I are soul mates though. We can see a TV commercial and think "Mike would love that" and I'll call him and he'll tell me about it before I say a word. We agree very much politically and we both love to talk news.
It hurts that he doesn't do the loving messages and one BAD thing is he loves to make me jealous. I miss him so much. I want to be in his arms.
I have SUCH an amazing amount of guilt for leaving him and getting with Joe. Had I come back he would not be in Flordia or I would be with him. The guilt eats me so, so much.
How do you guys make it. I cry everyday. I miss him so much, how do you not lose hope?
I am so glad I found you guys to help me through this. I WILL one day live with him again, some how some way.
Sigh. I miss his laugh his kiss his hugs his jokes his sex every thing about him, or almost everything.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Hello I am Christina and I am 32 years old. I was enganged to a man named Mike (the one I am in the LDR with now) for almost 3 years. In 2013 I made easily the biggest mistake of my life. I left Mike because he was just not being into the relationship and he had a Xanax issue. Instead of leaving for a month and seeing if he'd come back I met a new man very quickly and married him in less that 8 months. All this time I still loved Mike, even more as Joe (husband) became more and more abusive not physical but smashing everything in the house calling me evil names as in "You were a rescue a DOG I rescued you like a pathetic dog" Plus one of my passions is news and politics not only would Joe refuse to talk about news with me (but would accuse me of never trying to talk to him) hes a conservative I am a progressive.
Anyway I came to my senses and left Joe, and reunited with Mike, then less than a month later because of an issue neither of us had any control over he had to move to Flordia. When we first reunited he would text me all kinds of loving things, but his cell broke so we talk on his house phone now, and on FB messenger forget it. He's never been Mr.Romantic and maybe the "romance" I am looking gor doesn't exist except on TV.
Mike and I are soul mates though. We can see a TV commercial and think "Mike would love that" and I'll call him and he'll tell me about it before I say a word. We agree very much politically and we both love to talk news.
It hurts that he doesn't do the loving messages and one BAD thing is he loves to make me jealous. I miss him so much. I want to be in his arms.
I have SUCH an amazing amount of guilt for leaving him and getting with Joe. Had I come back he would not be in Flordia or I would be with him. The guilt eats me so, so much.
How do you guys make it. I cry everyday. I miss him so much, how do you not lose hope?
I am so glad I found you guys to help me through this. I WILL one day live with him again, some how some way.
Sigh. I miss his laugh his kiss his hugs his jokes his sex every thing about him, or almost everything.

I have a thing for being blunt lately, so here it goes! You will not make it LD if he continues to try to make you jealous. Not only is it not a healthy relationship, but it will be extremely tough to have the level of trust and honesty that a LDR requires if he tries to make you jealous. What does he do to make you jealous? Talk, flirt, kiss, something more?? Are you worried that he actually will cheat on you? Plain and simple: LDR's will not work if you can't trust your partner. Frankly, it sounds like he's wildly immature to think that it's funny to make you jealous. I would highly recommend that he grows up.

[differentcountries]

What is done is done. You can't take back leaving him in the past, only making it better now. And he has to stop trying to make you jealous and leave the past behind.

Crying is not bad, but crying everyday stands in the way of you enjoying your life. Do things just for you.

On thing; in LDRs, our cell phones and computers is a lifeline. He needs to get his cell phone fixed as soon as he can, so you can reach each other more easily.

[sasad]

I have to agree with MMDL... This does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. You left him due a drug issue. That is commendable. You left Mike and married another guy within 8 months. That guy also has issues with abuse.
Now you want to be back with a man who likes to make you jealous?
Early on you said he left for FL because of issues beyond both of your control, and later on you said he left because you weren't there?
Why do you feel guilty? Everyone makes their own choices. There is romance, ask a lot of the people here what theiy do or what are SO's do for us. Also, agreeing to everything doesn't make you a soul mate necessarily.
Why did you get back with him? Has he stayed clean as well? I just get worried when people have been in abusive relationships that tend to get into more of them.

As far as phones go, some people don't like them. But you do need to come up with dates and other times for you two to meet. Skype etc, works wonderfully.

[UnderneathTheSameSky]

I made a new intro post because I forgot about this one but to answer your questoin he left because his mom and dad got tired of paying for his drug habit along with his bills and rent, I blame myself because if I had not left him I feel like maybe, he never would have moved or I would have moved with him.

[UnderneathTheSameSky]

Sorry this reply is so late I forgot I made the account, went to sign up again and found it! I did make another intro post,
As for the jealously part he doesn't kiss other girls. He will tell me things he knows will make me jealous, for example he "teased" me about how he was going to go to the strip club, he will tell me all the time about girls he thinks are hot on TV or that we both know (TV isn't as bad, everyone has TV crushes) stuff like that. I honestly don't think he would cheat on me, I think he'd just leave me. The thing is I have done ALOT for him as this is a public website I'll just say I could get in trouble for it (no I didn't hurt anyone) and it seems he doesn't appriciate it. It seems its all about HIM.

[Ejoriah]

The Xanax issue is why you left him in the first place, and has gotten so bad that even his parents don't want anything to do with him anymore. That is a huge red flag. I know that "love is blind" and that you have very strong feelings for this man, but please be careful. You left him for a reason and it seems that the issue has gotten worse, not better.

As far as he doesn't seem to appreciate what you've done for him... he's an addict and from what you've said here and your other post I assume you're helping him get his next fix. Addiction is a terrible disease that is very hard to deal with, both for the person afflicted and the other people around them. Don't blame yourself for the repercussions of his bad decisions. He is a grown man and yes he needs help, but it's not your place to "fix" him. You can help him, but he needs to want to help himself first, and I worry that you'll get hurt waiting for him to change while he still indulges in self-destructive behavior.

[sasad]

So you are enabling him, helping him support his addiction.

Drugs like that can and will kill as well as destroy relationships. And it is these people that are the reason others cant get real medical help when they need it. And do you think it will stop at this? What happens when his 20 pill snorting habit isn't enough? Please dear lord, don't let you be addicted as well.

He had to move because he was bleeding his parents dry.. you are also supporting this habit.

While it may be normal to have a TV crush, its NOT normal to say you are going to strip clubs or to tell your SO what girls are hot. What is the point in that and what does that really accomplish?
Why are you with him... you appear to be in love with a shell of a person that is in love with his drug.
Do you think he would stay with you if you said no and for him to stop abusing? Seriously??

I have been in a relationship like that before...its not going to work unless HE gets clean.

[hmrambling]

It sounds like those things that he says are disrespectful. You choose to get jealous over things that are disrespectful. Therefore, he doesn't "make" you jealous. You get jealous when he says disrespectful things.

If I were in your shoes, I would define a boundary around how I am treated. I would not tolerate unacceptable behavior. Here's a resource that I use for setting boundaries: https://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

Scroll down to Formula for emotionally honest communication.

Also, if you are going to stay with him, I recommend AlAnon for you. Even if you pressure him to get clean, it is not going to work unless he wants to get clean for himself.

[UnderneathTheSameSky]

It's all coming togther now in my head. I think my head has accepted what my heart won't. I've spent the last 3 days bascially pouring out my heart to him about feeling used, his addiction, how I myself am suffering and all of it and all I get are responses like this I love you. I'm not doing well physically and mentally, can't sleep. If you're going do that or go all out to do that, I think it'd be a good time. And thats an exact quote. Basically I love you, feed my habit. Since I've started to question him and explain how I feel, I have hardly heard from him. I know I just need to let go, but all of the good memories come back, the thoughts of all of the good times, the person he can be when his entire life doesn't revolve around Xanax.
I'm to the point now where its pyhsically affecting me, I have lost weight, I shake pyhsically when I talk about it. Part of me just wants to give in and do what he wants, but the thing is I know that won't be the end of it. As soon as I "help" him this time, he will need "help" again.
I told him this too, I said that we are both basically treading water trying not to drown but that its never going to end if something doesn't change. Then he goes into the whole thing about how he can't get "good help" in Flordia (i.e he can't find a doctor to give him pills) but I am not an idiot, even if he DID get a prescription it wouldn't be enough for him.

I miss the him I remember before this addiction took over his life, and the him he was when he was actually clean, THOSE were great times.
I feel like I am being given a choice to either let him live, or let me live. Its obvious I need to choose me, but I feel so selfish if I do.