Hi! My name is Kat, and I've been dating my boyfriend, Jason, for about a year and eight months (yes, I still count months!). When we met, he was living in Boston (where he'd stayed after going to college there), and I'd been about to start my last year of grad school at NYU. We met through mutual friends--it's a kind of involved story that deals with three other people, so I won't get into that here 
Anyway, we met in Boston, talked online and on the phone for about three weeks, and then had our first date when I went back to Boston to visit him. I'm actually from there, so commuting up there for weekends to see him wasn't a big deal since I was already used to the New York-Boston trip. And we would take turns, so nobody had to travel two weekends in a row if we could help it.
When we met, he was completing his final year doing post-bac pre-med classes. He hadn't taken any science classes in college and was going to be a lawyer, but realized he actually wanted to be a doctor after he graduated, so he spent the next three years getting caught up. This past August, he started medical school in the Caribbean (Grenada, specifically). He comes back on breaks between semesters, but he's not off the island for good until December 2011. The last two years of med school are clinical, which he'll almost definitely spend in New York with me. Obviously I can't wait for that!
I know we're luckier than a lot of other couples in our position, because we've never lived in the same place or spent more than a little more than a week at a time together. So spending last year commuting four and a half hours to see each other was a good way to transition into not seeing each other for months at a time. We've never been used to having the other around all the time, so it wasn't as hard as it could have been.
It's been difficult for me in other ways, though. Like I said, he comes back between semesters...but when he's back, he stays with his parents in New Jersey, so we're still long distance even when he's back in the country. I've been going to visit him in Grenada halfway through his semesters, though, so we don't go for more than two months at a time without seeing each other. That's helped a lot, especially since it makes me feel a little more involved in his life.
That's really the biggest thing: he's over there, with his own friends routine and studying something I know NOTHING about (I write musicals...yeah, not science at all). While I'm mostly glad we've always been long distance because it makes being away from him now so much easier, it's really frustrating that we haven't done a lot of couple things, and that out of everyone in his life, I'm the one who's spent the least amount of time with him.
Since he's in medical school, he works all the time. We used to talk for at least an hour every day on the phone--often two or three--but now he has to go out of his way to call once a week. The internet in Grenada hasn't been reliable this semester, so Skyping and even IMing have been difficult. He's also not very verbally affectionate--he's Chinese, so he was raised to keep his emotions close and not be very expressive of how he feels about someone, especially someone he loves. Being in theatre, I'm extremely open about every emotion I feel as I feel it, and I really do need him to tell me he loves me or say something affectionate or romantic to me every once in a while. We've been working on that, and he's gotten much better. He's also been better about keeping in touch regularly. Usually when he studies really intensely, he shuts everything else out...and that hasn't been a problem before, because he hadn't had a serious girlfriend before me. We've talked A LOT about how that's not okay for me, and it's been much better.
I've been handling the distance better, too. For the past few months, I've been emailing him every night before I go to sleep, even if it's just stupid stuff about my day. Setting aside some time for him every night has helped me feel much more connected to him, even though I don't really expect him to answer or even read it. Just talking to him in an email is what I need.
I've also been doing a lot more to keep busy, so I don't feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for him to call me while he's off learning how to save lives. I just signed up for a beginning Mandarin class--for myself, since I've always wanted to learn Chinese and it'll help with one of the musicals I'm writing, which is about the Chinese Cultural Revolution, but it's also important that I learn more about his culture (my grandparents were from Ireland and Italy...so I'm pretty white). I actually haven't told him about the Mandarin lessons yet, even though he knows I really want to learn. I think it might be nice to surprise him with it when he's back for the summer.
Sorry this is so long, but I don't really feel like I can talk about it to my friends. Most of them are single, so I feel like I'm rubbing my relationship in their face (especially because Jason and I are so, so strong a couple, even with the distance), and my few friends who are in relationships don't understand what being long distance is like. I often feel like I have more in common with single people. I do know someone in a long distance relationship and someone else who was in one for a year, but hearing about their suggestions for getting through this just depress me. Jason's crappy internet and how insanely busy and stressed out he is means that we can't do the majority of things a lot of other long distance couples do. I can't even send him letters or care packages because he forgot his mailbox number and is too busy to try to figure that out.
I know this post has been a lot of complaining--sorry about that! I don't want anyone to think that I'm unhappy or regret being with him, because I don't at all. I am so, so incredibly happy with him, and I know that all of this is worth it. I'm even glad we have this time apart so we can sort out our own problems and figure out who we want to be as individuals before figuring out who we are together. It's really an amazing opportunity. And if we're still together after three years of long distance, then we'll be able to make it through anything It's just felt so good typing this out knowing there are people reading this who understand what this is like.
I would love to talk to you guys about this sort of thing, especially those of you dating someone in medical school and those of you in a biracial relationship with someone Asian. I grew up with a lot of Asian friends, so I knew what to expect with the whole not expressing yourself easily thing, but dating someone from that kind of culture is a little different I feel really alone in this a lot of the time, so finding this site is such a relief
Thanks for reading all this! I'm really looking forward to reading more of your stories and to making friends with people who are dealing with the same things I am. It's so easy to forget when you're living it, but what all of us on this site are doing is so, so romantic and brave. All of us have amazing stories of strength and love and dedication and faith, and these are stories that not everyone can live. We're lucky we can share those stories here.
Anyway, we met in Boston, talked online and on the phone for about three weeks, and then had our first date when I went back to Boston to visit him. I'm actually from there, so commuting up there for weekends to see him wasn't a big deal since I was already used to the New York-Boston trip. And we would take turns, so nobody had to travel two weekends in a row if we could help it. When we met, he was completing his final year doing post-bac pre-med classes. He hadn't taken any science classes in college and was going to be a lawyer, but realized he actually wanted to be a doctor after he graduated, so he spent the next three years getting caught up. This past August, he started medical school in the Caribbean (Grenada, specifically). He comes back on breaks between semesters, but he's not off the island for good until December 2011. The last two years of med school are clinical, which he'll almost definitely spend in New York with me. Obviously I can't wait for that!
I know we're luckier than a lot of other couples in our position, because we've never lived in the same place or spent more than a little more than a week at a time together. So spending last year commuting four and a half hours to see each other was a good way to transition into not seeing each other for months at a time. We've never been used to having the other around all the time, so it wasn't as hard as it could have been.
It's been difficult for me in other ways, though. Like I said, he comes back between semesters...but when he's back, he stays with his parents in New Jersey, so we're still long distance even when he's back in the country. I've been going to visit him in Grenada halfway through his semesters, though, so we don't go for more than two months at a time without seeing each other. That's helped a lot, especially since it makes me feel a little more involved in his life.
That's really the biggest thing: he's over there, with his own friends routine and studying something I know NOTHING about (I write musicals...yeah, not science at all). While I'm mostly glad we've always been long distance because it makes being away from him now so much easier, it's really frustrating that we haven't done a lot of couple things, and that out of everyone in his life, I'm the one who's spent the least amount of time with him.
Since he's in medical school, he works all the time. We used to talk for at least an hour every day on the phone--often two or three--but now he has to go out of his way to call once a week. The internet in Grenada hasn't been reliable this semester, so Skyping and even IMing have been difficult. He's also not very verbally affectionate--he's Chinese, so he was raised to keep his emotions close and not be very expressive of how he feels about someone, especially someone he loves. Being in theatre, I'm extremely open about every emotion I feel as I feel it, and I really do need him to tell me he loves me or say something affectionate or romantic to me every once in a while. We've been working on that, and he's gotten much better. He's also been better about keeping in touch regularly. Usually when he studies really intensely, he shuts everything else out...and that hasn't been a problem before, because he hadn't had a serious girlfriend before me. We've talked A LOT about how that's not okay for me, and it's been much better.
I've been handling the distance better, too. For the past few months, I've been emailing him every night before I go to sleep, even if it's just stupid stuff about my day. Setting aside some time for him every night has helped me feel much more connected to him, even though I don't really expect him to answer or even read it. Just talking to him in an email is what I need.
I've also been doing a lot more to keep busy, so I don't feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for him to call me while he's off learning how to save lives. I just signed up for a beginning Mandarin class--for myself, since I've always wanted to learn Chinese and it'll help with one of the musicals I'm writing, which is about the Chinese Cultural Revolution, but it's also important that I learn more about his culture (my grandparents were from Ireland and Italy...so I'm pretty white). I actually haven't told him about the Mandarin lessons yet, even though he knows I really want to learn. I think it might be nice to surprise him with it when he's back for the summer.
Sorry this is so long, but I don't really feel like I can talk about it to my friends. Most of them are single, so I feel like I'm rubbing my relationship in their face (especially because Jason and I are so, so strong a couple, even with the distance), and my few friends who are in relationships don't understand what being long distance is like. I often feel like I have more in common with single people. I do know someone in a long distance relationship and someone else who was in one for a year, but hearing about their suggestions for getting through this just depress me. Jason's crappy internet and how insanely busy and stressed out he is means that we can't do the majority of things a lot of other long distance couples do. I can't even send him letters or care packages because he forgot his mailbox number and is too busy to try to figure that out.
I know this post has been a lot of complaining--sorry about that! I don't want anyone to think that I'm unhappy or regret being with him, because I don't at all. I am so, so incredibly happy with him, and I know that all of this is worth it. I'm even glad we have this time apart so we can sort out our own problems and figure out who we want to be as individuals before figuring out who we are together. It's really an amazing opportunity. And if we're still together after three years of long distance, then we'll be able to make it through anything
It's just felt so good typing this out knowing there are people reading this who understand what this is like. I would love to talk to you guys about this sort of thing, especially those of you dating someone in medical school and those of you in a biracial relationship with someone Asian. I grew up with a lot of Asian friends, so I knew what to expect with the whole not expressing yourself easily thing, but dating someone from that kind of culture is a little different
I feel really alone in this a lot of the time, so finding this site is such a relief Thanks for reading all this! I'm really looking forward to reading more of your stories and to making friends with people who are dealing with the same things I am. It's so easy to forget when you're living it, but what all of us on this site are doing is so, so romantic and brave. All of us have amazing stories of strength and love and dedication and faith, and these are stories that not everyone can live. We're lucky we can share those stories here.
Comment