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    Too Busy

    Hey Guys,

    I'm relatively new here and thought I would come here for LDR advise rather than posting this elsewhere. A little back ground, I am in an LDR of about 1800 miles and have been for the duration of our relationship, about 7 months. Things have been going pretty well, they got harder after the honeymoon phase was over and we realized we would have to work through this LDR thing but we have and it has been great. We're even blessed enough financially to see each other once a month. I have never been a LDR person before but I am really enjoying this and care a lot about her. She is still in school, and I have already graduated. I know this is a problem for some people but I couldn't find any posts about my specific problem. Which i suppose is that she is "very busy". She is in her last year of undergraduate schooling and I know how time consuming and stressful that can be especially around finals week which is coming up. But that really isn't the problem. The problem is that she tells me she is too busy to really spend any time with me. We skyped last month on our 6 months and haven't had a date since then so for almost a month. We hardly talk on the phone, and only send each other a few times a day no matter how I try to engage with her. I asked her and she says it is soly because end of semester is approaching and she is so busy with her schoolwork. That I can understand being busy doesn't bother me, having school work doesn't bother me and I want to be as little of a stress to her as possible. But this week for instance I texted her asking if she would have time for a skype date at all this week. To which she responded she would be too busy all week with schoolwork and may have time to talk for a bit but no date. The same day she told me she didn't have time she went out with friends and spent the evening drinking. She also later told me that she had just invited a friend to come in from out of town and they would be spending the rest of the week together. She also planned a christmas party and alrerady has plans to go out the whole weekend with her friend. Now alone these things don't bother me but it doesn't seem like shes so busy with school work that she has no free time and this has been going on for about four and a half weeks now, where she uses school work as an excuse but has time to gout and do plenty of other things. I want to "save" our LDR even though were not fighting and she shows no concern of our relationship being in danger, but I have talked to her about our lack of spending time together and it now has become the norm no matter how much i stress that it bothers me. Any ideas on how to i don't know, respark our relationship? Because right now it feels like I have a girlfriend who doesn't want to spend any time with me or even talk to me :/ I did get her to have a date with me yesterday only after sending her surprise flowers and basically begging through text message but it felt like more of a "pity" date since I felt like I basically had to beg for it. Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it.

    #2
    I am the same way as your SO, sometimes I just want time alone with friends and alone.. Finals week is pretty stressful and the only way I unwind myself is to go out with my friends and get my mind off of school and tests. But of course if you feel it's interfering with the relationship you should definitely bring it up and talk to her about it. Let her know how you're feeling and how her actions are bringing concerns to you.

    Sometimes after the honeymoon phase is over we get into the "comfort" zone of the relationship and feel we no longer need to try to impress or do nice things for the other person. It is up to the people involved in the relationship to keep the sparks alive. Do little things to remind her why she fell in love with you in the 1st place. Bring that honeymoon phase back. Send her flowers with a note letting her know you've missed her and look forward to having a skype date with her.

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      #3
      I don't really have any advice for you. I'm in your shoes, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

      Comment


        #4
        I feel the same. I simply don't get it. If she is so stressed, why is it that time with friends is rated higher than your significant other. For me, when I am stressed, I want to spend my time with her but maybe women are different.. what's up with that?

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          #5
          Sorry, I have been meaning to reply to this since this morning but I didnt have enough time to reply properly. I have been in both situations, however I am not yet in my final year.

          When I first started university, I was in your SO's position. Really busy with work and really stressed (for the first 6 months of uni we were LD). I know my SO felt like you did. Even though I tried to find a balance, I would go out with my friends alot vs talking to him. IDK why, but I think it was becuase I was still trying to find a solid group of people to hang around with. I also felt that going out was a HUGE stress release for me. Although my SO would be reassuring, it usually didnt make me feel that much better when I talked to him and I was stressed becuase, I couldnt hug him etc when we just talked on skype. Going out for a few hours was a way of forgetting everything just for the evening. Forgetting the stress, forgetting the pain of missing my SO etc. Maybe that is her way of releasing the stress? I dont want to worry you, but he used to upset me so much with comments that he made, suggesting I was choosing "random people" over him.

          I also feel though (from what you described) that she should be making more time and effort to talk to you, even if its just before she heads out, or maybe before she goes to bed? A time that I found worked well was talking whilst I was eating dinner. Do you feel taken for granted? Tell her.
          I have felt very taken for granted before, (to the point where my SO thought it was fine to dissapear off the face of the earth for 3 days). Try not guilt trip her though.

          If she is having difficulty balancing everything maybe ask if it would be possible to come up with a shedule? e.g. you will talk for 1 hour at 5pm on a saturday or whenever works best for both of you. If she still feels she's too busy to do this, its probably time to consider if a relationship is the right thing for her at the moment. Its not right that your needs arnt being met.
          Si tu n'etais pas la
          Comment pourrais-je vivre
          Je ne connaitrais pas
          Ce bonheur qui m'enivre
          Quand je suis dans tes bras
          Mon coeur joyeux se livre
          Comment pourrais-je vivre
          Si tu n'etais pas la

          Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you. It will set you free.
          Home could be anywhere when I am holding you

          "DONT RUIN MY DREAM OF MINITURE HIPPOS"

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            #6
            Originally posted by dummy56 View Post
            I feel the same. I simply don't get it. If she is so stressed, why is it that time with friends is rated higher than your significant other. For me, when I am stressed, I want to spend my time with her but maybe women are different.. what's up with that?
            nah, guys are the same. sometimes I feel my LDboyfriend wants to spend more time with his friends, since he's in college, than talking to me. His reason is that college students have that FOMO - fear of missing out. Well, I find FOMO really stupid cause it's just an excuse of telling me he wants to spend more time with his friends and have me understand that and accept it.
            sigpic
            Nobody knows who I really am
            Maybe they just don't give a damn
            But if I ever need someone to come along
            I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

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              #7
              Originally posted by dummy56 View Post
              I feel the same. I simply don't get it. If she is so stressed, why is it that time with friends is rated higher than your significant other. For me, when I am stressed, I want to spend my time with her but maybe women are different.. what's up with that?
              It's not a girl thing; I'd be offended if we hadn't gotten to talk all week and my boyfriend chose a party over me.

              Maybe it has to do with extroversion versus introversion. I'm an introverted person, so going to a party would not help me unwind at all; it would be very draining. I'd much rather stay home and watch a movie on skype with my boyfriend while I recharge my energy. However, an extroverted person gets energy from social interaction, so a party might actually help them recharge.

              Then again, I could be completely wrong

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                #8
                Personally, I think she's at fault for ignoring you. Everyone in an LDR "sacrifices" something to keep the relationship alive..she needs to look at her life and decide. I'm wondering how your monthly visits go. Is she devoting her time to you then and is happy about it?

                If you haven't straight up told her about this, you should. Tell her that you understand she is busy with school and her social life, but for this relationship to work, she needs to put aside time for you. Try to set a plan, of talking on certain days or texting more. Most lasting LDRs here seem to have that, so it's important. Some people are okay with long silences between seeing each other (I'm not one of them), maybe she's taken you for granted or maybe there's a deeper issue. Either way, you'll have to have a heart-to-heart to find out and fix the issue.

                Married: June 9th, 2015

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                  #9
                  Wow, sorry guys I have had a busy two days at work and just got a chance to get on and I didn't expect to see so many helpful and encouraging replies! This is my first post here and from what I have read around, everyone seems really encouraging and supportive so bravo! I'll do my best to reply to everyone and kind of keep you updated.

                  Jgui
                  I am the same way as your SO, sometimes I just want time alone with friends and alone.. Finals week is pretty stressful and the only way I unwind myself is to go out with my friends and get my mind off of school and tests. But of course if you feel it's interfering with the relationship you should definitely bring it up and talk to her about it. Let her know how you're feeling and how her actions are bringing concerns to you.
                  This I totally understand. She has only one semester after this and I do my best to be supportive of her spending as much time with her friends as she can since most people go their separate ways after school and I would hate to see her miss out on that time with her friends. I guess I'm just concerned mostly because I have talked with her about it before and nothing really has changed. In fact her response was "I feel like we talk all the time" talking about Skype dates which we only had one of in November for our Six moths. _-_ lol

                  squirrelz15
                  I don't really have any advice for you. I'm in your shoes, just wanted you to know you're not alone.
                  I'm sorry thanks though, it's not a fun place to be and truthfully I probably spend too much of my day stressing about it :/

                  dummy56
                  I feel the same. I simply don't get it. If she is so stressed, why is it that time with friends is rated higher than your significant other. For me, when I am stressed, I want to spend my time with her but maybe women are different.. what's up with that?
                  Lol,idk about the genetics of it but right now I feel like her "emotional handbag". If that makes sense. On the off times I do get to talk to her on the phone for more than a few minutes it is usually if she is very upset about something and needs some support and a listening ear and I am there to provide that for her but then we go back to not talking for a while.


                  Hololz
                  If she is having difficulty balancing everything maybe ask if it would be possible to come up with a shedule? e.g. you will talk for 1 hour at 5pm on a saturday or whenever works best for both of you. If she still feels she's too busy to do this, its probably time to consider if a relationship is the right thing for her at the moment. Its not right that your needs arnt being met.
                  A genius idea. When we very first started spending less and less time together I suggested the same thing. I tried to let her set it up to what time fit best into her schedule with school and friends so she would have as much flexability and freedom in deciding when dates would be because my schedule is so much more open than hers. She came up with a date once a week every thursday so that at least once a week we would get a chance to see each other and talk for a bit, watch a movie, etc. depending on how much free time she had and she would still have the weekends and other days of the week to be with her friends. She decided this back in the begining of October, we have yet to have one of these...

                  annb8888
                  His reason is that college students have that FOMO - fear of missing out. Well, I find FOMO really stupid cause it's just an excuse of telling me he wants to spend more time with his friends and have me understand that and accept it.
                  Sometimes I feel the same. She has had a much "crazier" college experience in her first two years than I had in all four. Just a point of difference in us, not something we fight about or I particularly mind, but I think she still misses that part of her old life I guess because she really has calmed down since we met and changed quite a bit from seven months ago. I wouldn't call it fear of missing out if I explained it to her, shes just having a different college experience that most people with being in a LDR and all.

                  Lumos
                  However, an extroverted person gets energy from social interaction, so a party might actually help them recharge.
                  And she definitely is an extrovert. I hope I didn't give the impression of trying to make her spend time with me or not spend time with her friends. On the contrary I am trying to be as supportive and patient as I can and want her to spend as much time with her friends as she can. To tell you the truth I guess even not seeing her that much doesn't bother me all that much. Part of the package deal in being in an LDR I suppose as we all know :P I just have a problem with not seeing her at all when apperantly she has enough free time to put our relationship on the back burner and be doing other things so often. For instance only being together once a month and seeing her once a month on skype because she "has no time". Like our "pity" date I was explaining in my first post. She spent over a half hour of our hour and a half skype talking to other people on the phone, then on facebook, texting, and browsing the web, she wasn't paying very much attention to anything at all (we were playing a board game she wanted to play and eventually we just kind of stopped playing all together). Then tonight for instance, another day where she had too much to do for school, she texted me saying she would make time from school work to skype, but instead is going out to dinner with friends and then drinking afterwords with other friends and said she would "get back to me" about being able to talk tonight.


                  CanadianGirl
                  Try to set a plan, of talking on certain days or texting more. Most lasting LDRs here seem to have that, so it's important. Some people are okay with long silences between seeing each other (I'm not one of them), maybe she's taken you for granted or maybe there's a deeper issue. Either way, you'll have to have a heart-to-heart to find out and fix the issue.
                  I'm not one of them either I suppose. I feel like every relationship needs time and effort put into it and I really think she just doesn't feel like she needs to do that for us to work. I've tried to have those talks with her and I guess she just really doesn't see a problem. I even told her I feel like I have a girlfriend I never talk to or spend quality time with, I even asked if she still wanted to be together which she said she still wanted to and became very upset at the topic of not being together anymore but things haven't changed since then, were talking less now than ever before. This isn't something we even fight about really, I feel like we don't talk enough to fight.

                  In all I guess our in person visits go really well and I really enjoy our time together in person. I was blessed to be able to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with her family and I had a really great time but despite having our own hotel room we the majority of the time we were not around her family we didn't have any quality time to us, for instance she napped during our free time and I would watch tv or go exercise etc. Its a very weird situation and I'm not sure how to handle it lol I'm more becoming indifferent than anything else. We have a tentative date that I planned EVERYTHING for on monday, one of her off school days to study for finals, but since skipping out on me tonight as well I am really trying not to get my hopes up despite her being the one who planned the time. Again thank you so much for all of the responses! I was not expecting to recieve such a big welcome. Its awesome to have such a supportive community who can relate to the stresses of LD relationships that normal relationships might not have.

                  ---------- Post added at 08:54 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:53 PM ----------

                  Woah...sorry that was so long it didn't seem that long while I typed it...

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