something i've learnt after closing the distance...

[Sora1101]

Already being totally scared and nervous about closing the distance with my SO (in about 5 months) reading this just intensified my fears, I'm worried we won't make it, and he's not quite understanding how hard it will be even with my multiple warnings. I'm young and not sure everything will work out but I need to have faith, even if it's just a pipe dream. If I didn't I know I'd never be able to take the leap and move in with my SO. We're both giving up a lot for this and honestly even if all we do is fight with each other I know I won't give up, I need him. As naive as that sounds. Thanks for all the great insight I know I've taken all these things to heart already but it's nice to have a reminder.

[kiara_silver]

I'm with Sora1101 as far as me and my SO are young and planning on living together. By then we will have spent about a year together CD off and on, and over 3 years together in total maybe 4. I have my worries but I know he's worth taking that leap with. By then we plan to be married, then move in together. That means one of us moving and leaving behind everything, and will be the first time for both of us having our own place, so there are going to be stressful situations for sure. Reading this was insightful. I know not to expect everything to be perfect, i've seen marriages and relationships and i think everyone should know, it takes work to make it work. But thanks to everyone who posted here, seeing others who have made it to closing the distance is inspiring!

Here's to looking to the future! I can't wait to see where me and my SO go in life.

[LeilaniJoi]

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Age might be a factor, but even as someone who's quite a bit older, I think this was a very important thread for everyone. Like any relationship, CD or LD, moving in together is a huge step, and it might really not work out. Sometimes people in this forum get a little to idealistic and romanticize the situation we're all in, but it's a real possibility that things will turn out much harder than you thought. It's important to read these experiences too, to help you prepare for closing the distance and realize that not every relationship ends in a fairy tale. That might sound cynical as hell to some of you, and maybe it is, but its also true. It's just something to consider and prepare for, knowing that relationships get hard sometimes and knowing how to deal with that, maximizes your possibility of making it work.

I think that every age level has there own share of difficulties, and even though they're different in your late teens, 20's, 30's, 40's, etc. we've all got 'em. That part doesn't change, there's always something

Agree 110%

I moved after a short LD and the last few months CD have been... challenging. I do think age and experience play into it - we both had been married and were adults with a big age difference (17 years) but, in the end it is working. It just takes commitment and a whole bunch of adjustment. You have to remember why you fell in love to begin with and remember that person is still there, and not let the stress of every day junk get in the way.

Looking back would I have done things differently? perhaps... but the decision was made and we are happy... we just had to learn to live with the person in the monitor being right there every day and adjust accordingly. We will have 1 year together on December 24 and 1 year together in person living together April 29 of next year. The trials are all part of the process.... but the process does take a significant change when you go from LDR to CD.

[elizabethjp2010]

Thank you for sharing your story! Im really not trying to sound like a shrew, but there are better ways of closing the distance... like he should have had a job in line before picking up and moving.... I know you planned out and got everything ready, but maybe if he had of spent a month or 2 with you before moving in together, so you could see how it would be that could have made a big difference, yeah its a big transition but there are ways to prepare for it. or not moving in before you had spent time together, and just dated CD.


Im sorry i think there are better ways of preparing, but thank you for sharing you cautionary tale.

[Pineapplebun]

Thanks for the post. I agree with the posters that your honesty is really needed so that we know that it really won't be all cotton candy and rainbows when the distance is closed and the reality sets in and there are lots of obstacles to face that really will put strain in a relationship.

[xsomanymilesx]

thankyou got the replies i am glad the post helped! i think itis probably of more relevance to younger LDR couples as definitely older couples are more mature and have the ability to cope a lot better in situatios due to morelife experience etc... me and phil are back together now. we broke up.. but it was only a break, i dont regret the way we ended the LD part of our relationship because even though we had a tough couple of months its made us stronger and made me see just how much we love eachother and can overcome CD obsticles aswel as the LD ones.

i am sorry for scaring some people but if your love is true it will always see you through, because true love is selfless and unconditional no matter what dramas occur in the transition

@elizabethjp2010- he lived in canada and me england. it wasnt possible to 'line up' a job before he got here as he had to get a national insurence number which required him having lived here for two weeks, without this national insurence number he could not accept any jobs or orgainize interviews from accross the atlantic in canada... i understand there are better ways to prepare but we had to work with what we had at the time and thankfully it worked out.. but i definitely think preparation is everything and will ease the transition for both of you.

[Haley53]

I imagine she was referring to a different type/sort of visa. I plan on doing a working holiday in Ireland before I would consider moving there (or him here, not sure where we'll be) simply because it will give us a chance to live and be with one another and see what the reality of the situation would/will be like.

However, I can appreciate your honesty about your situation. I have tried to convey numerous times the importance of realising that closing the distance will not be like a holiday, that living with someone is far different than living with someone on a holiday, etc. and also that you have to be realistic in case something happens, such as a break-up, whether or not you end up back together in the end, so it's nice to see someone here with some life experience sharing their situation.

I think what's important to remember is that regardless of preparation, regardless of age, regardless of what's set in place before we move or don't, we're all going to make our own mistakes in our own relationship. And everyone's going to react differently. Some people are going to handle the strain better than others. Some people are going to handle the stress better than others. For some, it's going to be the first huge crisis they see in their lives/relationship, and for others, it's going to be the next step and something they can handle because of demons they've battled before. I think preparation is important, but only so far as the eye can see (hell, since my partner's mother passed away, our plan has changed significantly), and I think it's important to take it one step at a time, but I also think honesty, communication, and realism, maybe even a healthy dash of pessimism, are equally as important. People need to think about things realistically and maturely, and I think that it's important for a lot of people to see/understand. Love is not effortless, but it's sure as hell worth it. <3

[floridaellen]

Do you think it's different if you start close distance for a long time and become long distance for a while?

[11MikesGirl21]

Do you think it's different if you start close distance for a long time and become long distance for a while?

I had the same question. My SO and I started out very CD--same building at college, essentially living in his dorm room or mine together (we both had single rooms) and then he moved in with my family for the summer, and then when he moved home I lived with him and his family for the last three weeks of summer break. And then we started the distance and it was like ripping a band-aid off.

[floridaellen]

I had the same question. My SO and I started out very CD--same building at college, essentially living in his dorm room or mine together (we both had single rooms) and then he moved in with my family for the summer, and then when he moved home I lived with him and his family for the last three weeks of summer break. And then we started the distance and it was like ripping a band-aid off.

I know how you feel. My SO and I lived with our families but were at each others houses constantly - basically spent every moment together. It's so weird being so far now. I do know that when we close the distance it will be weird since I'm more independent now.

[mllebamako]

Do you think it's different if you start close distance for a long time and become long distance for a while?

We started out CD. We lived together and everything. Then we were LD for 9 months and moving back in with him was a huge adjustment. I think that any big changes in a relationship (especially as big as where you live) are going to be difficult in some way.

Our time LD was definitely the most romantic time, the time where we had the fewest fights and I was the most idealistic. Living day to day with someone is a big reality check, even if you've done it before.

[greensweatergirl]

I have to agree with those that say age is a factor here. Both my SO and I are significantly older than you and your ex-SO, and I think that when the time comes to close the distance, we'll be doing so with our eyes wide open. We've both been in failed marriages and long-term relationships, and we've both learned from them. I think that can be key -- we understand there will be troubles, it's inevitable, but this relationship is worth the effort. My past relationships were not worth the effort I put into them, but going through those relationships is what taught me what's worth saving. And this relationship is worth everything.
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I agree with this so much. In a strange way, I'm actually glad I've had a bunch of failed long-term relationships, because I think they've made me realize how much of an effort I need to put in to keep everything running smoothly. If I'd met him when I was only 20, I don't think I would have realized how rare it was to find someone so loving and caring. I go in to this relationship knowing that I am damn, damn lucky, and that I need to give everything to making this work.

It's also been helpful in that we knew each others exes, and watched the breakdown of the other person's relationship. I didn't know until recently that we both spent a year thinking that the other person's ex didn't realize what they had. I was always stunned when his ex told me about all the romantic things he'd done for her (taken care of her when she was sick, bought her dresses and took her out, given her flowers) and she talked about them like it was to be expected. He watched as my ex embarrassed the crap out of me by throwing a tantrum at our local train station, or ignored me at parties when his cool friends were there. We're both more than aware of how important it is to appreciate your partner. We also know that the other person is willing to walk if they aren't cared for. I only have him so long as I'm working hard to keep him.

[Mara]

Honestly, I appreciate your post, but I do think everyone's situation and therefore experience is different.

My SO and I closed the distance when we weren't much older than your SO and you. We met online on July 13, 2009, in person on August 28th, and I moved in with him on September 30th. We didn't want to be apart for months on end, I had taken time off from college, and I lined up a job in his city so I moved. It was the first time I had ever lived with anyone and I had just broken off my long term relationship after meeting my SO.

If I could go back and do it again, I'd do it the same way over and over again. It worked for us. Very easily as a matter of fact. Of course, our situation was different than yours. I wasn't moving countries, he was away from home as well so there wasn't any pressure for him to incorporate me into his family, I had a job lined up, we decided to live together so there was no me being stressed about finding an apartment, and we hadn't known each other that long so there wasn't any expectations for how we should be or how our relationship should be. I also don't think either of us really struggled to incorporate each other in our daily lives because we'd both had serious relationships before and had, had to balance boyfriend/girlfriend, work, school, friends, etc before.

I remember waking up every morning just happy as could be that he was laying in bed next to me. When I moved back home a year later, we both cried. The only time I've ever seen him cry.

And now, we've been doing this LDR thing again for almost a year and a half. We have bad days like anyone else, but we're making it. No, I'm not worried about what will happen when we move in together again honestly. I think it'll be weird to be around him every second of the day again, but a good weird. I've missed him. He's where I belong. And I do think it'll be pretty seamless, but we've already moved in together once and that was after only a month of dating. If we could survive that, I'm sure we'll be fine when we move in together next which I'm sure will be at least after three years of dating probably closer to four.

I will say this though to everyone; no matter what your individual situation is if you and your SO are well suited to each other it's going to work out and if you aren't, it probably won't unfortunately, but that's life. Any relationship can end at any given time for any given reason. Nothing's guaranteed. People change, people make mistakes, hurdles appear where they weren't before, plans change, plans are altered...what makes a relationship successful or unsuccessful is your ability and yes your willingness to adapt to these things.

[Alemap]

My beau and I began as CD, and while that was great, it was hard when he had to crash at my house for a month. We'd only been seeing each other about a month when he came to stay, and then due to unforeseeable circumstances, what was meant to be a few days' visit stretched into weeks, and it was very stressful for us both. It was too early for us to be "moving in together"; especially since neither of us realised that was what would effectively happen, so we weren't mentally prepared! Plus, we both also were constantly on edge because the situation was made even more problematic by my housemate (quite fairly) not being entirely cool with it, and us trying to tiptoe around and stay out of his space as much as possible; it meant my beau didn't have "the run of the house", as he might otherwise have had, because I was trying to keep him out from under my housemate's feet - e.g. if he wanted a coffee, I had to make it for him, because the coffee machine belonged to my housemate who might have got annoyed at him just casually using it, and if he needed a shirt ironed for work, I had to do that for him, since the iron and ironing board belonged to my housemate as well* - meaning I was always running around after him, and he couldn't get comfortable. I think if we had been together a bit longer, and then got our own place together - rather than only dating a few weeks, and then him effectively moving into my house (where, aside from the housemate problem, I also had to deal with territoriality issues about having someone constantly in "my space", and he had to deal with issues about not having any space he felt was his own) - it would have been a lot less problematic, since I've lived with lovers before and, after the initial transition period, it always worked fine, but there really is an astonishing amount of difference between living together in one half of the couple's previously-established territory, and living together in a home you have created as a team. The psychology is entirely different.
I think it is most likely, when he eventually moves back, that we won't cohabit immediately, but will rather live separately for a while, just seeing each other frequently like a standard non-cohabiting CD couple, and sometimes staying over each others' places, until we get comfortable enough to look at finding a place together. The last thing I would want to do is rush into something as important as living together, when there's already so many other stressors of dealing with an international move, that most CD couples will never have to deal with, on us.


*My housemate doesn't mind me using his stuff, since I moved in with him after a period of him living alone, so he already possessed most of the everyday equipment any household needs, but is liable (quite fairly) to get his back up if a guest were to start making themselves at home, uninvited, with his appliances.