something i've learnt after closing the distance...

[xsomanymilesx]

hi, i'm claudia and i used to be a very active member on LFAD back in the day, and i think this is sometihng everyone can think about as it should apply to them at some point in their relationship...

when ending the distance, its so exciting, planning and talking about what you'll do together etc. (my boyfriend and i met online in 2009, he moved to england from canada alone to be with me 3 months ago, hes 19 and im 18.)

but the reality of it is ver different, for me anyway, we had to sort out a flat for him to rent, which isnt cheap, and the stress of finding a job before his savings ran out, fortunately we were lucky and he has a lovely place and a well paid job. BUT- we have only just settled after 3 months.

after phil had been here a month we broke up - we couldnt hack the stress of the move. we were worrying about how he'd pay his bills and keep a roof over his head, find a job, not what movie we wanted to go see at the weekend like normal couples are age. i struggled with the fact he had no family to support him, i felt under pressure to welcome him into my family. but it just ending up smothering me - having been LDR for 2 years and seeing eachohter for a total of about 3 weeks in person... it was too much.

just some words of advice to anyone who will be in a similar situation to me - dont except dreams to come true, i mean sure its perfect now... but you need to give yourselves time to adjust and not except the relationship to run as smoothy as it does now. I dont know about you guys but when we were LDR we had a routine and it made me not miss him as much, because we'd talk everyday- and it was easy. but suddenly i had to fit another person, and an important one at that into my daily routine, balancing friends and college and my job. be aware.

i dont want to put anyone off but speaking from experience being in an LDR IS NOT representative of a real life relationship. you CANNOT (until it works after properly ending the distance) compare your relationship to being the same as a 'normal' CDR couple, no matter how well you think you know someone online/through skype etc... you dont know until you're living ontop of eachother 24/7...

the point of this thread isnt to lecture you or put a dampner on your relationships, but quite the opposite, to help you in your transitional periods/plan making of the move to becoming CDR (whenever that may be)

i am only speaking from experience as being a once LFAD addict/msn maniac spending hours talking to my boyfriend, its not real. its a virtual reality and letting the two mesh when moving from LDR and CDR does not always work no matter how much time you give it, so make sure if you tend to spend a lot of your socialising time locked away on the computer talking to your SO's that you keep your friendships going outside of that, so if it doesnt work out the way you planned you're still your own person. it is so very easy to get so wrapped up in a person thousands of miles away through their loving words. but until you see actions to show truth in those loving words keep a part of your heart safe because sadly not all LDRs have a happy ending as mine, ending the distance isnt the end of the hard part, its the beginning.

[floridaellen]

the point of this thread isnt to lecture you or put a dampner on your relationships, but quite the opposite, to help you in your transitional periods/plan making of the move to becoming CDR (whenever that may be)

i am only speaking from experience as being a once LFAD addict/msn maniac spending hours talking to my boyfriend, its not real. its a virtual reality and letting the two mesh when moving from LDR and CDR does not always work no matter how much time you give it, so make sure if you tend to spend a lot of your socialising time locked away on the computer talking to your SO's that you keep your friendships going outside of that, so if it doesnt work out the way you planned you're still your own person. it is so very easy to get so wrapped up in a person thousands of miles away through their loving words. but until you see actions to show truth in those loving words keep a part of your heart safe because sadly not all LDRs have a happy ending as mine, ending the distance isnt the end of the hard part, its the beginning.

I think your advice was very heartfelt. The transition, although I haven't made it yet, does seem to be quite difficult. Thank you for your words.

[Kerry]

thanks for your words of wisdom. I love reading updates on couples who've finally closed the distance and seeing how things aren't as rosy as we hope. you always pray that they will be but it's very important to realize that this may not be the case.

[BlueCat]

I completely understand what you're saying here. I'm in a situation where I have spent up to 6 months living with my SO in his family's house on an extended visit. And yes, it is very hard. I wouldn't have it another way, but you have to be willing to compromise etc.

[Jgui]

i am only speaking from experience as being a once LFAD addict/msn maniac spending hours talking to my boyfriend, its not real. its a virtual reality and letting the two mesh when moving from LDR and CDR does not always work no matter how much time you give it, so make sure if you tend to spend a lot of your socialising time locked away on the computer talking to your SO's that you keep your friendships going outside of that, so if it doesnt work out the way you planned you're still your own person. it is so very easy to get so wrapped up in a person thousands of miles away through their loving words. but until you see actions to show truth in those loving words keep a part of your heart safe because sadly not all LDRs have a happy ending as mine, ending the distance isnt the end of the hard part, its the beginning.

i agree with your last few sentences... people should still be themselves and have their own social life even in a relationship, be it long or close distance. Although i've never had a actual relationship with someone who i just talk to on the internet, i did have some people who i've enjoyed talking to daily and felt attracted to them because of their loving words. in the end it just felt not real to me because i don't even know if this person is who he really say he is.

of course there are people who find true love in chat or game rooms and starts dating from miles apart and still make the relationship work out after closing the distance, and im sure there are plenty of good examples on this forum.

bottom line, what you had mentioned in this post is all true. that things don't also seem rosy and perfect the way we picture it to be after closing the distance with our SO.

[Bethypoo]

I think a lot of people should read this post. Even those who aren't in LDR. It is one of those things that you cant really know if things will work our for the long term when you have lived with someone. I think dreams can come true but I think you also have to be realistic.

Thank you for your honesty and your post.

[Sunbeam]

Thank you for your honesty.
My SO and I are nowhere near closing the distance, but I like to dream, and this brings me back to the reality that everything isn't going to be rainbows and butterflies.

[LuvSsw]

it is so very easy to get so wrapped up in a person thousands of miles away through their loving words. but until you see actions to show truth in those loving words keep a part of your heart safe

Wise words here. Very significant insight. Thank you~

[Tobby]

mmm. . this is something to really think about. thanks for posting this topic!

[Engel]

Having closed te distance and being apart now for just a while before in one or two weks (no more than that, all paperwork done, and now i just need to go a a week on a spa to loose weight, that my mother already paied for, and im ready to travel!) I will go back to Germany for good and get married one month after.


So I know what you are talking about. one mont after we closed the distance we broke up too, obviously we got back together, but what I mean is that there ARE many stress factors envolved. one of the couple feeling responsible for making the others ones life complete, an filling in te spaces left by family, friends and country. And the other one sometimes feeling entitled to expect that. after all he/she left everything behinf for that person.


My SO and I fighted a lot at the begin of close distance. we went from seeing each other on vacagtions, to being there, 24/7, both having left the mothers house to live with the other. and we just werent used to do everything for us, to take care of ourselves and someone else.

So, while it is great and he is the love of my life, and Im his, it was hard at the begin (first couple of months).

Now we know each other, and will get married and are sure we want an will spend the rest of our lives together.

But I also think that closing the distance is about compromise. until my SO saw how much he really needed to help me and include me at te begin, there were fights. like, going to his friend to play video game and sleeping there, and me alone and friendless at home. if i have my own friends, sure i dont mind. but at the begin i had noone.

so i think that if someone exepects their SO to move for them, you know you will have to sacrifice your time, not be with friends alone that much anymore. there is that person that left everything behind for you, and she thought you were worthy it, so it better be good you think he is worthy of your time, and spending time with your friends and family too.


And no, no LDR equals to CDR. thats why i would never ever entertain the idea of gettting married or alas engaged to someone i didnt live at least 6 months with to get engaged, and at least one year to get married. plus the LDR time.

hi, i'm claudia and i used to be a very active member on LFAD back in the day, and i think this is sometihng everyone can think about as it should apply to them at some point in their relationship...

when ending the distance, its so exciting, planning and talking about what you'll do together etc. (my boyfriend and i met online in 2009, he moved to england from canada alone to be with me 3 months ago, hes 19 and im 18.)

but the reality of it is ver different, for me anyway, we had to sort out a flat for him to rent, which isnt cheap, and the stress of finding a job before his savings ran out, fortunately we were lucky and he has a lovely place and a well paid job. BUT- we have only just settled after 3 months.

after phil had been here a month we broke up - we couldnt hack the stress of the move. we were worrying about how he'd pay his bills and keep a roof over his head, find a job, not what movie we wanted to go see at the weekend like normal couples are age. i struggled with the fact he had no family to support him, i felt under pressure to welcome him into my family. but it just ending up smothering me - having been LDR for 2 years and seeing eachohter for a total of about 3 weeks in person... it was too much.

just some words of advice to anyone who will be in a similar situation to me - dont except dreams to come true, i mean sure its perfect now... but you need to give yourselves time to adjust and not except the relationship to run as smoothy as it does now. I dont know about you guys but when we were LDR we had a routine and it made me not miss him as much, because we'd talk everyday- and it was easy. but suddenly i had to fit another person, and an important one at that into my daily routine, balancing friends and college and my job. be aware.

i dont want to put anyone off but speaking from experience being in an LDR IS NOT representative of a real life relationship. you CANNOT (until it works after properly ending the distance) compare your relationship to being the same as a 'normal' CDR couple, no matter how well you think you know someone online/through skype etc... you dont know until you're living ontop of eachother 24/7...

the point of this thread isnt to lecture you or put a dampner on your relationships, but quite the opposite, to help you in your transitional periods/plan making of the move to becoming CDR (whenever that may be)

i am only speaking from experience as being a once LFAD addict/msn maniac spending hours talking to my boyfriend, its not real. its a virtual reality and letting the two mesh when moving from LDR and CDR does not always work no matter how much time you give it, so make sure if you tend to spend a lot of your socialising time locked away on the computer talking to your SO's that you keep your friendships going outside of that, so if it doesnt work out the way you planned you're still your own person. it is so very easy to get so wrapped up in a person thousands of miles away through their loving words. but until you see actions to show truth in those loving words keep a part of your heart safe because sadly not all LDRs have a happy ending as mine, ending the distance isnt the end of the hard part, its the beginning.

---------- Post added at 06:18 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:14 AM ----------

I think a lot of people should read this post. Even those who aren't in LDR. It is one of those things that you cant really know if things will work our for the long term when you have lived with someone. I think dreams can come true but I think you also have to be realistic.

Thank you for your honesty and your post.

I guess besides being a dreamer im also a realistic, because i also agree on thongs are different before living with someone. even CD, to see each other to have sex, cuddle, watch a movie, eat out, it oesnt cut it. tis is just dating. its just the good easy part.

[krabuzh]

your post are somehow true! I couldn't say much better than this..

Yes, when we are still on LDR and spending time with our beloved one by chatting/talking/emailing that doesn't meant you already know them well. To make things work out you should live with them under the same roof or at least at CD and then try to compromise with each other habit that most likely would be a shock especially if you came from a different culture.

It also mean that both of you have to sacrifice some part of your life. One person move to the new place and then leave his/her family/friends behind. The other have to willing to help their love one to adjust and accept the new environment which will be hard in the first couple of months.

So.. compromising, understanding, sacrificing, trust and readiness to accept the change is a must to make the relationship work out. Without it then all of your effort would be useless. That is also part of the risk of closing the distance.

I ssuggest to not put too much hope on it when you are closing the distance. Everything can happen whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. Just if your relationship didn't work after being CD, it doesn't mean that your life has ended. Life goes on and so will you. Just believe that you will get the best in the end.

Though of course we are all hoping for the best after closing the distance.

[lucybelle]

While I agree with your post, I just wanted to add in that when my SO moved in with me, we had spent about a total of 2.5-3 weeks together in person beforehand. We were both pretty nervous, me more than him. I had all sort of back up plans to get his ass back on a plane to his country. But him moving in with me (and then me moving to his country) has been the best decision we've ever made. I don't want to sound naive, but our relationship really is rainbows and butterflies. And I couldn't have been more surprised.

But there's also a huge age difference between us and you two. My SO is in his early 30s and I'm in my mid 20s. Yes, still young, but not babies anymore. We have careers, we have good savings, we know what we want, and we're mature enough to handle a huge life change. Planning an international move is HUGE and you have to be prepared for the worst (not finding job, breaking up, etc). But when you're ready to face all these roadblocks, the adventure is worth it.

[annb8888]

truth is, even CDR can suffer this stress. I understand where you're coming from and maybe it's also the fact that he's 19 when he moved to England.

I know 19 is an adult age but it's also the age where he's fresh out of college and is going to start off the rest of his life. Him moving at an early age without financial or family support can be dead stressful. People stress over bills everyday and paying the rent. I gather he might not be ready enough to do the big move. It will get him down no matter how you look at it. He's the one that is away from his family, his friends - basically his whole life. so it's not really a matter of CDR or LDR - it's the matter of timing you both took that is rather off.

That topic was raised in my relationship too. Who's going to move, me or him? My life is here, his life is there. I know he's thinking of moving to asia but not just yet. We talked about it really - he's going to finish college, get a job and work on being stable before he can do the big move and I agreed. I'm older than he is so I'm settled in the work world already and I don't want to feed him cause he can't function on his own. That's why we're trying to make a good timing for everything - the job, the move, the baby, where we'll settle, and both making sacrifices.

And yes, we both function without the other but are connected by a point. We both agreed to live our lives and hold nothing back so we are both fulfilled individually. Our individualities are important to us but at the same time, we're connected with each other. Time would only tell.

[Minerva]

I have to agree with those that say age is a factor here. Both my SO and I are significantly older than you and your ex-SO, and I think that when the time comes to close the distance, we'll be doing so with our eyes wide open. We've both been in failed marriages and long-term relationships, and we've both learned from them. I think that can be key -- we understand there will be troubles, it's inevitable, but this relationship is worth the effort. My past relationships were not worth the effort I put into them, but going through those relationships is what taught me what's worth saving. And this relationship is worth everything.

That said, these are still wise words. You can't really know someone until you live with them. LDRs tend to extend the honeymoon period, and it's easy to be on your best behaviour when long distance. I just spent a week in person with my SO, and even though I know him inside and out, I still learned a lot about him just being under the same roof for one week. I can't imagine what we'd learn about each other once we live together. I'm pretty sure we'll survive it, but... yeah. Nothing in life is ever certain.

[Moon]

Age might be a factor, but even as someone who's quite a bit older, I think this was a very important thread for everyone. Like any relationship, CD or LD, moving in together is a huge step, and it might really not work out. Sometimes people in this forum get a little to idealistic and romanticize the situation we're all in, but it's a real possibility that things will turn out much harder than you thought. It's important to read these experiences too, to help you prepare for closing the distance and realize that not every relationship ends in a fairy tale. That might sound cynical as hell to some of you, and maybe it is, but its also true. It's just something to consider and prepare for, knowing that relationships get hard sometimes and knowing how to deal with that, maximizes your possibility of making it work.

I think that every age level has there own share of difficulties, and even though they're different in your late teens, 20's, 30's, 40's, etc. we've all got 'em. That part doesn't change, there's always something