Dealing with unsupportive people

[dub329]

This question is mainly for people with families that are very opposed to your LDR. Suppose you close the distance: How do you deal with family visits? Holidays? Conversations where you have to mention how much fin you're having with your SO?

[Haley53]

When I had to deal with my grandfather in my previous LDR (he's still unaware of the current), I mainly told him little more than he needed to know. We never closed the distance, no, but I always gave minimal information when it came to visits and only introduced them once. I can't give you any advice on visits/holidays because I haven't been there, but my opinion is that there are no conversations where you have to mention how much fun you're having. When my grandfather inquired about visits, I told him what we did and what I liked about those things as opposed to what my ex did that enhanced them. When he inquired about the time I was having, I told him I was having a fine one. etc. I kept the answers short, simple, and sweet.

[kiara_silver]

I will have to deal with my family this may. When I tell them im going to visit my SO.... for 6 months! I have never been out of state on my own ever! And so going to Scotland from California. So can you imagine how there going to react? But I just remind myself who im doing this for. I know I want to be with my SO and so there are going to be times when my family doesn't approve, but it's my life. What helped me was thinking, how mad are they really going to be? Sure they will be upset but once its over with they will move on and forgive me or just accept it.

[Bobbiejeanne]

I just keep reminding my SO not to listen to what they say, and that only we can make the choice. He gets a lot more opposition than me, and it really hurts me to hear the things his family say about me now that I'm gone. We were CD for 3 months, and they were fine then... but as soon as I was gone, they disliked our relationship.

It's becoming stronger than those people and learning to tune them out. Only YOU and your SO have a say in the relationship.

[Zapookie]

The only person who really doesn't support my relationship is my mother. My SO is an amazing man, but my mother can't see past the fact that he's not white, and isn't rich. My mother is quite old, and is stuck in her ways. She grew up in a country where although white people were in the minority, they were considered the higher class and has this subconscious thing deep in her brain where she looks down upon anyone of colour (even though my mother isn't entirely white herself). She is unhappy and says that I'm tearing my SO's family apart, because he is wanting to move here (although his family are very supportive and want him to do what makes him happy).

The way I deal with it... is I just ignore. Or if she makes a comment, I tell her that I'm not going to let her negativity bring my relationship down. Sometimes I wish she would just be happy for me, but I almost feel like my mother is incapable of being happy for others. She's just a bitter person.

On the other hand, all my other family who met him (my aunt, her husband, his son, my cousin) and all my friends really took a liking to my SO. It's kind of hard not to though, he's just a very loveable soul. If we hadn't been linked romantically I still would have been drawn to him... but I think the romance part was inevitable.

We haven't had any further visits, but he'll be here soon hopefully in the first half of 2012. We don't have frequent visits due to the enormous distance so neither of us can just pop over for holidays.

[efish1042]

I agree with Bobbiejeanne. It makes you stronger in the end.
My family isn't happy about us and neither is his. Neither of them have really tried to make us break up, but... My family tends to ignore it until they can't anymore and his tends to act like everything is fine and then hint to him when I'm not there that he needs to break up with me.
It really bothers us and it makes an already difficult situation even harder, but it brings us closer together because we stand together above it all. We try to ignore it as much as we can because we don't want to have any serious conflict with our families, but we also both can't wait for a.)them to shut up and accept it or b.)a situation where they mostly leave us alone.
Until then, we enjoy each other and do our best not to let them get to us. We bitch about it and move on.

[Alemap]

My parents were actually great, when I told them. I told them everything about him, and about how our relationship happened, and about how major it felt to both of us, then the narrative naturally reached its conclusion, wherein I told them about his having to leave, and our plan. And they just said, "Well, he sounds incredible, and what you have sounds like it's definitely worth taking a risk for. You're both old enough to know what you want, and to be able to make practical decisions regarding it. We wish you and him the luck to beat the odds."
Which actually blew me away, because my mother has always been very critical and controlling. Seriously, I nearly dropped my teeth.
But as far as surprises go, it was a great one!
Maybe if you focus on making it clear to your family that you both have realistic expectations, and are aware of the sacrifices involved, but still want to try because otherwise, you'll never know if you could have done it, then they'll give you a bit more credit?
At any rate, I do wish you luck.

[SquishyLove]

I've always just ignored them personally. Our families both felt dubious about our relationship in the beginning, but once they saw us together in person they were much more supportive, and continue to provide support, which is so amazing. I realize how lucky we are! Most unsupportive people I've dealt with are friends and acquaintances. No one has made any snide comments in months, but at the beginning of our relationship which originated online, I got a fair amount of negativity from a few people. I told them in no uncertain terms that this negativity was not welcome and I'd appreciate their respect for my choices. It usually helped.

[squirrelz15]

My family doesn't know about him yet, because they won't approve and I haven't felt like dealing with the negativity. I'll tell them eventually. They won't like it. I'm determined that the only guy they'll ever like is my ex at this point. They won't like that it's long distance until he's done with school. Basically, my family isn't supportive of me in relationships in general. They hated one of my exes based purely that he wasn't a Christian, and he basically wasn't allowed in the house. They probably won't like this one because he has a earring. I'm the messed up child in their minds, so whatever I guess. I wish they'd approve but I already know they won't so such is life.

His family seems ok with it when we're both around them, but I don't know what they say to him when I'm not around. He hasn't told me.

In the end though, I know it's mine and his decision. I've done so many things my family doesn't approve of (moving out, dating people they don't like, not following their religion, etc) that I'm just the screw up of the family anyway so their opinion doesn't really matter. He makes me happy, and we "click" in a way I never have with anyone else, so I plan on sticking with it despite the opposition. I like this thread though. It's helpful to see how other people deal with it, so I know about it when the time comes to tell my family

[HollzHeartsChris]

My parents aren't aware of my current LDR. They were sort of twigging on about my previous one, and they knew there was something going on between me and my old SO but they weren't completely aware. They don't believe LDRs work out, and although my past 3 LDRs have failed (2 for the right reason and the 3rd for the most painful reason possible) I still believe they can work, given time, effort and patience.