Young and In Love. Advice?

[hikkilove]

Ok so here is the story. I'm 17 and my SO is 18. This summer after I have turned 18 I would like to visit my SO for around a month. The problem is my parents. I know that I will be meeting a lot of oposition from both of my parents and I'm not sure how or when to tell them. I know for a fact that they will tell me I cant go and will try to stop me from leaving. What should I do? I'm unwilling to wait to see him, but I don't want them to freak out too much. I will be 18 so they won't really be able to stop me since I'll be headed to college already, but ideally I don't want them to associate this relationship with negativity because that will make things harder as it progresses. Also both of them seem to have an issue with me having sex, which I intend to have (safely of course). What can I say to these people who are so protective of me? Especially my dad who I'm considering lying to because I know this will end badly if he finds out. Pleas help. Thank you.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I would try to figure out exactly why your parents are opposed to you meeting your SO. Is it because you two have never met before? Is it because they disapprove of you dating, full stop? Is it just because of the sex? I'd try to sit them down and have a mature conversation with them, explaining your reasoning for wanting to see him, plans about where you want to stay, etc. Maybe a Skype meeting would make them feel better? Try to work with your parents before subverting them.

If your parents are completely against you seeing him after having discussed their concerns in a rational matter, I would just wait until you're 18 (I cannot emphasize this enough), save up the money, and go. Tell your parents whatever you think they want/need to hear.

[Bethypoo]

Like CQ said, you need to be able to discuss this with them. That is part of being an adult, and i you want to be treated like one, you need to be able to communicate like one.

Anyway, you have to first realize that your parents are just going to be protective, and if you dont go about this in a logical way, it will just worry them more. However, yes, when you are 18 you may do as you wish and the same thing when you go off to college, but, if you are financially dependant on them, you may have to play a bit more by their rules.

My suggestion is this. Talk to your SO and try to figure out how, ideally you would like to continue your relationship. Then, go and talk to you parents. Let them know your plans and how you feel and even things you are concerned about. Let them know that if and when you decide to have sex that you have a plan and that you will be safe about it.Give them some time to think it over. Let them know that you do want their support and that you know as parents you understand that they would be concerned.

Depending on how that goes, then you proceed. But you really cant judge to much with out being able to know their opinion.

But lying is not the way to go. It will only create more distrust. Like I said, if you want to be treated like an adult you must act like one. If you want your parents to buy it, you gotta sell it to them.

Hope that helps somewhat.

[Haley53]

Oi, I remember my mother driving me to the airport and I received like an hour's worth of a lecture on how to have safe sex, to which my sister piped up, "Mom, you don't even know that she's going to have it!" and my mother turns her head, gives her the look, and goes, "Oh stop, you know she is too." Some of my mother's last words to me were telling me she doesn't want to hear about "any of the hot sex." I responded by telling her that's a shame because then I don't know what we'll have to talk about. :P

But it's something I never really spoke about her with, before that point, and it never really came up, before that point. They may be against you having sex, but does sex have to play a part of the discussion? I mean if it did, I'd be more or less passive about it. Even though you're planning on it, I would tell them that IF it happened, you're prepared and are taking precautions such as birth control and condoms to ensure that you're having safe sex. Other than that, I agree with the two above as far as how the conversation should go.

If they're still unwilling, then what if your SO came to spend two weeks with you and you went to spend two weeks with your SO?

[aggie]

Hmm. I was 18 when I was flying to see my boyfriend and my parents paid for the trip too. And it was just before I was going to move out to go to college too.
Thing is, I met my SO in person and on the other side of the globe. So, have you two met in person?
Well, my parents haven't met my SO (funnily, it's been 4 years now), and Im 100% a daddy's girl and I know he would never like to even hear the word 'sex' coming out of my mind. I played it smart . Ever since our relationship started to get serious, I started to tell my mum things like "Oh, look, how cute he is.. He sent me this text blah blah ." Or one night I'd just rant to her how I miss him, and I don't know why, that I've never felt this way about anyone, and I told her bits and pieces of how our relationship was evolving over time. Basically get the parent you're closer with (I believe it's your mum) to see that it's something important to you. I never talked to my dad about it, I let my mum do the job basically.

But what all parents do appreciate, is the logical thinking. Don't ever tell them you're going there and you don't know what you'll do next . And yes, as someone said before, it would be helpful if you knew WHY exactly they would mind you going anywhere.

As for the sex thing, well that was never an issue in my house, we basically just don't speak about it, it doesn't get awkward or anything, we just don't. My mum made sure in my early years that I knew how to do it safely and never brought up the topic again. I can't even remember how she found out about my first time.
But here's the deal, I made my SO wait 2 years for our first night, and I think that gave my parents a feeling that I am responsible and that I don't sleep around with just anyone. So, maybe you don't need to have sex straight away. Or, if you do, maybe you don't need to bring it up.
Depends on the situation in your family , but your parents need to be sure you're grown up and you know what you're doing.

All in all, don't lie. Talk, talk, talk . And maybe they will feel safer knowing your SO first too ? (my parents wanted to meet him, then just sort of gave it up, but I remember the excitement when my mum saw my SO's photo on my laptop )

Good luck.

[Alemap]

Talk to them about practicalities, about your feelings for each other, and about your contingency plan if staying with him doesn't work out (if you don't have a contingency plan, make one now!).
Keep calm, and if they get emotional, withdraw - again, calmly - until they've cooled down and you talk rationally again. Let them see that you can behave like an adult, and they'll be more inclined to think of you as one and treat you accordindly.
Also, have they met him yet? Even via Skype video chat? If not, make it happen. Just putting a face to the name, and getting to see what a nice boy he is, may help them relax.
Good luck!