My Past Abusive Relationship is Going to Destroy My Current Relationship

[Sierra]

I can't get past it. I know my boyfriend isn't abusive, emotionally or physically, and I know he isn't my ex who was emotionally and physically abusive towards me.

But sometimes my boyfriend does things that my ex would do (nonabusive things) and it gets me really scared. I don't know how to handle this. All I want to do is run for the hills.

My ex was an alcoholic, and when my current boyfriend spends all night drinking with his buddies and having to take care of people who drank themselves sick, I'm reminded of situations my ex was in time and time again. Yes, my boyfriend did the responsible thing by taking his sick friend home, but if he had done what he promised me he was going to do, which was coming home an hour earlier than he said, there would have been to sick drunk friend to deal with.

I know how selfish this makes me sound, but it's not me being selfish, it's me being scared. Over the last few months I've watched him change from an adult, to basically going back to a college student. Staying out until 4am, drinking all the time ... this is what my ex would do.

Then when I explain to him why I'm upset, he doesn't address what I say, he dismisses me and tells me that he was in the right. YES, he was in the right about taking his friend home, but he shouldn't have been leaving the bar at 10:20, he should have been leaving at 8:30, like he promised me.

As time goes on all I can do is draw similarities between my abusive relationship and my current relationship. I want to be treated well and respected, and I KNOW my boyfriend does, but when things like this happen, or start happening more frequently, I get really scared.

It's getting harder and harder for me not to push him away because of this. He's making me feel like my ex did and it's awful. I don't even know what to tell him and I know this post makes no sense.

Part of me wants to write him a letter, but it'll get there at the same time I do. I know I just need to talk to him, but I'm so tired of fighting. I just want things to be good for both of us. I don't want to push him away, but I want him to treat me in a way so I don't feel like this. At the same time I feel like that's asking him to change who he is and that's not right.

I don't know, I just don't know. But I do know this post probably makes no sense.

[Mara]

This post actually makes a lot of sense to me. My ex wasn't abusive, but we had a very toxic relationship and he didn't respect me or my feelings. It made me very weary of men who would do or say things that even remotely reminded me of him.

I know that's where your feelings are coming from on this issue, but regardless, if this behavior isn't okay with you, it isn't okay with you. I don't think you are overreacting or being unreasonable.

I have followed your posts and it does seem that your boyfriend is regressing in a way; staying out to all hours of the night, drinking excessively, breaking promises, etc. Regardless of why you feel that way, that behavior isn't okay with you. I don't think it's asking him to change who he is just to not do those things. I think you are just wanting to him to be more responsible and I don't think that's a huge thing to ask of someone.

Maybe this would help if the two of you discussed it in person?

[Sierra]

He has really regressed and I've tried to tell him that without being mean. My mom calls me a bully in my relationship and his best friend feels like I have a leash on him. All these things really hurt me. I am truly trying to be the best girlfriend I can possibly be. I'm always available to him, I stay up late to talk to him, I adjust my schedule around his. It hurts me that people don't see or recognize what I give or do in the relationship, and this includes my boyfriend.

I would like to talk to him about it in person but it's his birthday when I'm going to visit and I really don't want to ruin that. I just ... I can't feel this way any longer. It makes me as insecure as I am and enough is enough. I just wonder, when is this going to end.

To make it worse, I found out that he has so little time that on the weekend his dog is living with his parents. This REALLY bothers me. If he doesn't have time to take care of his dog, does he really have time to nurture a relationship?

I'm scared, I just see him doing these things my ex did and it makes me feel so worthless, like I'm not worth consideration in his day or his time. I don't want to feel like this, I want to feel cherished, loved and wanted. Not like a second thought.

I know that if I hadn't been in my past relationship, I would have just let this one go, but I can't. It just brings back all the feelings that I had before, the depression, the low self esteem ... the feelings like I just don't want to go on. I know if I talk to him he'll try to change, but this is an ongoing pattern and it really bothers me. I know it has a right to bother me but I'm really scared I'm going to lose the love of my life over it.

I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want to compare him to my ex, and I REALLY don't want him to treat me like my ex did, but I keep drawing all these lines and they are getting worse and worse.

I'm an adult, I thought I was in a relationship with another adult ...

[lucybelle]

I think you said before that this was his first serious relationship, right? Maybe as you two are getting more serious, he's getting more nervous. Like cold feet or something. And now that you have plans to move in (or move near) each other, he's really starting to freak out?

Although, I'm also curious to how he can afford to party 24/7. Wasn't he tight on money before?

[Mara]

Honestly, I feel you have almost been too giving in this relationship. Yes, you have asked some things of him, but it seems you are the one that is making the majority of the sacrifices.

Did he get to go through the whole staying out late, drinking excessively phase when he was younger? I wonder if he's doing it now because he missed out on it then or perhaps he's getting older [aren't the two of you mid-twenties or so?] and feels like this is his last chance to do these types of things.

At any rate, I do think he needs to make you more of a priority. I would suggest talking about this in person, but if you don't want to ruin the visit, which I completely understand, maybe the two of you could discuss this over the phone? It's not fair to you to continue on being so unhappy with the way things are going.

[Jgui]

I don't know the type of relationship you have but from just reading this post I think you need to stop associating your SO with your ex. It's really easy to start comparing relationships when you're upset but trufully that is the fastest way of getting into an argument with the other person.

You've mentioned that he isn't abusive in any way but just have habits that your ex has. Have you talked to him about his behaviors and stressed about how it's making you feel? And when you say "drinking all night" is this a normal everyday basis thing or just weekends?

[Bobbiejeanne]

I can understand completely, my last ex was very verbally abusive and near the end lead to a very toxic relationship when I realized I wasn't going to deal with it.
Recently I actually called my current SO by my ex's name during an argument. I was just so use to yelling at my ex and not yelling at my SO that it just slipped! But I figured everything out, and I know now that won't be happening again.


Honestly, speak you mind! You need to nip this in the butt while it's still smaller problems. You don't want to be forced into a bad situation later because you didn't say anything now. It will help a lot. And you have to keep in mind, while he might do stupid stuff, he is NOT YOUR EX. He's a wonderful, if not a little party-hearty, guy. Stop this association now. It'll only harm the relationship!

[Sierra]

I think you said before that this was his first serious relationship, right? Maybe as you two are getting more serious, he's getting more nervous. Like cold feet or something. And now that you have plans to move in (or move near) each other, he's really starting to freak out?

Although, I'm also curious to how he can afford to party 24/7. Wasn't he tight on money before?

It's not his first serious relationship, it's his first serious relationship in a long while. I have no idea if he's getting cold feet or not. I can, of course, ask him. He was tight on money before, and now that he's switched jobs (which has caused all these issues) I guess he has money to spare. What bothers me is that he goes out drinking, what about plane trips to see each other?

Honestly, I feel you have almost been too giving in this relationship. Yes, you have asked some things of him, but it seems you are the one that is making the majority of the sacrifices.

Did he get to go through the whole staying out late, drinking excessively phase when he was younger? I wonder if he's doing it now because he missed out on it then or perhaps he's getting older [aren't the two of you mid-twenties or so?] and feels like this is his last chance to do these types of things.

At any rate, I do think he needs to make you more of a priority. I would suggest talking about this in person, but if you don't want to ruin the visit, which I completely understand, maybe the two of you could discuss this over the phone? It's not fair to you to continue on being so unhappy with the way things are going.

I feel like I'm giving too much too. I can't help it. When it comes to the move I haven't asked for any of his monetary support other than he make the drive with me, which he's agreed to. He hasn't paid for a visit for us to see each other in awhile (in his defense he didn't have a credit card until recently).

This is becoming a huge emotional and monetary burden.

I don't think he feels like this is his last hurrah and he has to get out there and drink, I think it's the people from his work and this is what they do. If he were hanging out with these people playing video games I would have no issue, but that's not what's happening here.

I did write him a letter so I can say what I'm thinking, I'm hoping it's received well. I guess we'll see when I talk to him after work.

I don't know the type of relationship you have but from just reading this post I think you need to stop associating your SO with your ex. It's really easy to start comparing relationships when you're upset but trufully that is the fastest way of getting into an argument with the other person.

You've mentioned that he isn't abusive in any way but just have habits that your ex has. Have you talked to him about his behaviors and stressed about how it's making you feel? And when you say "drinking all night" is this a normal everyday basis thing or just weekends?

No, I haven't talked to him about it yet because it really all just came to the surface now. I wrote him a letter and mentioned it in it so hopefully he gets the point. Him drinking all night has turned into a 4 day a week thing. Which is too much for me. I don't like drinking and don't like being around drunks.

[floridaellen]

I would agree that it is difficult to not associate your SO and your ex when they doing similar behaviors. Your SO is not your ex though; he is not abusive.
However, if the drinking bothers you, then it bothers you, regardless of his other behaviors.
If my SO was going out drinking four days a week, I would also be upset. I don't particularly enjoy drinking. As an occasional thing, sure, but not that often. It's a dealbreaker for me. If it's a dealbreaker for you, that's okay!
I think you did the right thing by writing him a letter mentioning the issue.
I don't think that it's healthy for a relationship if someone is giving more than the other. It has to be equal.

[Rugger]

Sweetie, I've been there. My ex was emotionally abusive and there are times my SO does things ( as you said non abusive things) that my ex did that make my stomach turn. For instance, we went to Daytona Beach for spring break when we were still in college. My SO was hanging out with his friends from home and was meeting the rest of us for dinner. He showed up to dinner drunk as a skunk and was very belligerent and angry. It really made me upset because my ex used to do that all the time and that was normally what triggered him be abusive towards me. I was beyond upset and scared. One of our friends eventually asked what was going on and I told him. He confronted my boyfriend and yelled at him for being an asshole. My SO calmed down and apologized to me for his behavior.

It's hard for those of us who have gone through it to not look for warnings signs again. You need to talk to your SO ASAP. Bring up how you feel and how you feel his behavior is mirroring your ex's and scaring you. Drinking is a slippery slope. He should have at least called you if he knew he was going to be late, so you would know what was going on.

[Alemap]

Hon, I've been there. I know how hard it can be.
I strongly reccommend, from one survivor to another, that you get your arse into therapy if you can. Not only will your personal relationships benefit, but it will also help you recover your confidence and security.
I firmly believe that you're worth it.

[Sierra]

Sweetie, I've been there. My ex was emotionally abusive and there are times my SO does things ( as you said non abusive things) that my ex did that make my stomach turn. For instance, we went to Daytona Beach for spring break when we were still in college. My SO was hanging out with his friends from home and was meeting the rest of us for dinner. He showed up to dinner drunk as a skunk and was very belligerent and angry. It really made me upset because my ex used to do that all the time and that was normally what triggered him be abusive towards me. I was beyond upset and scared. One of our friends eventually asked what was going on and I told him. He confronted my boyfriend and yelled at him for being an asshole. My SO calmed down and apologized to me for his behavior.

It's hard for those of us who have gone through it to not look for warnings signs again. You need to talk to your SO ASAP. Bring up how you feel and how you feel his behavior is mirroring your ex's and scaring you. Drinking is a slippery slope. He should have at least called you if he knew he was going to be late, so you would know what was going on.

This is exactly what it is like.

I wrote the letter, printed it out and read it to him. He got really upset when I told him how unhappy I was. We both agreed that if there wasn't distance between us there wouldn't be as many issues that we'll work really hard to keep this relationship going. I explained to him why what happened bothered him and he said he knew that it would.

I guess what he didn't realize (even though through all my tears and everything) was that I felt alone, scared and unhappy. He said he didn't realize how much his actions effected me, nor that I was as unhappy as I was.

We're both committed to changing (I need to not keep things bottled up) and I'm really hopeful we can get through this.

Having come from an abusive past, with relationships and my father, it's just really hard for me. I need to be more open about the abuse I've gone through and how it plays into our relationship so he's aware and can do things to not trigger it, or help me through it.

I am committed to him, he's everything I could have ever wanted, but lately it's been bad. We're going to try to make it better, starting this weekend when we see each other.

Hon, I've been there. I know how hard it can be.
I strongly reccommend, from one survivor to another, that you get your arse into therapy if you can. Not only will your personal relationships benefit, but it will also help you recover your confidence and security.
I firmly believe that you're worth it.

I have proudly been in therapy for 13 years (with the same therapist), I just haven't had a relationship like this. We always talk about my interpersonal and intimacy issues and she makes me feel better. I know a lot of it has to do with my feelings of self worth and low self esteem.





I just want to say thank you guys so much for sharing your stories with me, I'm sorry that anyone has had to go through this, it's really not fair and the repercussions are great and long lasting. I really do know from experience that it's only through talking about it does healing occur, even with other people who you can relate to, so thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

[Minerva]

I've been there too. Sometimes my SO does things that remind me of my ex and it sends chills up and down my spine and I feel all those old fears. And then I get scared because I'm scared. My mind is rational and tells me there's nothing to fear, but my emotions are ready for fight or flight. Makes me feel nuts.

Your issues belong to you. Your SO likes to party with friends and as long as he's responsible about it (not abusing alcohol, not drinking and driving, not becoming abusive to you) it's his business. You've posted many times about how you want him home by certain times and want him available to you and how you are dissatisfied with his response. Let me ask you this: if he was going out bowling with friends instead of out drinking, would it bother you so much?

He shouldn't make promises to you and then not keep them. But I wonder how reasonable it is for you to expect him to end his night early. Is he staying out later because he feels controlled? Or because he has no idea how important this is to you? Or is he thinking that you'll be there soon and he needs to get all his fun in before you get there?

Own your issues. Tell him why this behaviour bothers you so he can see you're not just some kill-joy trying to control him. Hold him to his promises but don't make unreasonable demands on him. The fact that his going out and drinking bothers you is YOUR problem. He can help you by meeting you half-way and curbing it, but in the end he's an adult and you can't give an adult a curfew.

I don't think you're controlling or a bully. I think you're terrified. I totally get that. But you have to deal with these issues in some way that's separate from your SO, because he is not your ex, and it isn't fair to put him on lock down for things that aren't his fault.

I wish you the best of luck. It's so hard to deal with the residue of an abusive relationship. It ends but it's never over.

[Alemap]

I'm glad to hear it, Sierra. How very strong of you to be so committed to your personal healing journey that you've stuck with it so long. Good for you.
Not to attack you, but simply to offer hopefully-useful feedback, I'm inclined to agree with what Minerva has said. The trouble is, I think the temptation to cling and be a little demanding can be so much stronger in an LDR than a CDR, because you don't have the benefits of proximity; chatting online, or via Skype, or on the phone, is better than no contact at all, but it's still only really a partial satisfaction of that yearning need you have for contact - it will never be as fulfilling as physically being present with each other, and as a result, it's so much easier to get anxious in between, or to need more frequent contact in order to feel reassured, desired and loved - subsequently, insecurity can creep up on us and start influencing what concessions we ask of the other person without us even consciously realising it. The problem with that, of course, is that if you were a close distance girlfriend, and you imposed a curfew on him for nights out with his buddies (even if you lived together), it would be pretty natural for him to rebel against that, and kick back, perhaps by acting out. I'm not saying that what has definitely happened, but it's very possible.
The sad truth (and I can understand this might be hard) is that none of us own our SOs, and neither should we try to control their time, where they spend it, or who with (within reason; obviously, spending heaps of time alone with a woman who kept trying to hit on him, or hanging out too much with the buddy who liked to loudly trash you to anyone who'd listen, would be reasonable scenarios in which you could object), no matter how much we miss them. The only time they owe us, and that we should have any real concern in, is the time they have committed to give to us - so, if your guy goes out all night on Saturday nights and comes home sozzled, that's his call and not really your affair, but if he's failing to show up for scheduled cyber or phone dates you both agreed on, or is regularly late without extenuating circumstances, then yes, that is being unfair to you and you would be well within your rights to communicate that you find his behaviour unacceptable.
If I were you (this is only what I'd do, from where I'm standing), I would initiate a brutally honest dialogue with him about your expectations, and how they make him feel. Does he feel stifled? Suffocated? Cramped? Is he acting out in response? Really talk to him about it and encourage him to examine his own motives in acting in ways that he knows upset you. If it comes out that, yes, he does find the limitations you want overly restrictive, then both of you need to hash out what you can agree is a good level of compromise. How far can you expand your comfort zone? What boundaries does he feel he can sincerely and realistically honour? It could be a scary conversation to have (and it's always hard to put aside the moral high ground when you have it - but put it aside you must, to talk constuctively), but it might be just the kick in the pants your romance needs to get you both back on the same page.
Of course, I'm not you. I only have one side of this story, which is what you've told us; there may be more relevant details which you're keeping private, for whatever reasons (not accusing you of bad faith, just exercising your right to choose what you're comfortable disclosing). Based purely on what I have read here, though, I would say a cool-headed, rational talk when both of you are completely calm and can discuss the issues without becoming emotional would be my first prescription. If there is one thing I have learned in my years of dating, it is that nothing shuts a man down to being able to properly listen and think faster than a woman's tears; he may get defensive, he may get angry, he may feel guilty and terrible, or he may simply feel helpless and confused, but whatever his emotions are, they're not likely to be "compassionate but logical team problem-solving mode". So I would approach him about the topics I've mentioned and have an honest and frank discussion about them when we were both feeling calm and relaxed, and see what happens.

[Sierra]

I've been there too. Sometimes my SO does things that remind me of my ex and it sends chills up and down my spine and I feel all those old fears. And then I get scared because I'm scared. My mind is rational and tells me there's nothing to fear, but my emotions are ready for fight or flight. Makes me feel nuts.

Your issues belong to you. Your SO likes to party with friends and as long as he's responsible about it (not abusing alcohol, not drinking and driving, not becoming abusive to you) it's his business. You've posted many times about how you want him home by certain times and want him available to you and how you are dissatisfied with his response. Let me ask you this: if he was going out bowling with friends instead of out drinking, would it bother you so much?

He shouldn't make promises to you and then not keep them. But I wonder how reasonable it is for you to expect him to end his night early. Is he staying out later because he feels controlled? Or because he has no idea how important this is to you? Or is he thinking that you'll be there soon and he needs to get all his fun in before you get there?

Own your issues. Tell him why this behaviour bothers you so he can see you're not just some kill-joy trying to control him. Hold him to his promises but don't make unreasonable demands on him. The fact that his going out and drinking bothers you is YOUR problem. He can help you by meeting you half-way and curbing it, but in the end he's an adult and you can't give an adult a curfew.

I don't think you're controlling or a bully. I think you're terrified. I totally get that. But you have to deal with these issues in some way that's separate from your SO, because he is not your ex, and it isn't fair to put him on lock down for things that aren't his fault.

I wish you the best of luck. It's so hard to deal with the residue of an abusive relationship. It ends but it's never over.

I don't ask him to be home by any certain time. Only on nights that are "ours". Date night and one night a week he be home by 10 so we can say good night. What I posted here about that was fleeting. He does not have a curfew.

And yes, it doesn't matter what he's doing, other than an emergency or work, if he promises to be there to talk to me, I expect him to be. We are no better than our word. My boyfriend has said I'm so far from controlling it's ridiculous for me to think so. I have expectations of our relationship, yes. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship we can be friends and then he has no "responsibility" when it comes to his time and me other than what he promised me of his own volition.

Last night he told me he was going to be home at a certain time and didn't do it. He shouldn't tell me that if he isn't going to be. I would have no issue if he told me "I'll be home later tonight." Which he does all the time and I don't complain about.

He has no curfew and I'm not controlling. I have an issue with people not keeping their word.

As for the drinking, it really does bother me. No matter what he was doing last night when he didn't make it home when he promised me he would, I would have had an issue. I have an issue with him going out and drinking, if he wants to drink with his responsible friends, which he does, and his drinking isn't much, I don't say anything to him. We enjoy a beer together. It's irresponsible people and drinking that bothers me.

It's just with these friends I notice a pattern I noticed in my ex that bothers me immensely.

Anyhow, at this point he and I have talked it through. I'd appreciate not being accusing of putting a curfew on my boyfriend, or being controlling, because I'm not. I do hold him accountable for things he say he'll do though and that's part of being an adult.