Keeping secrets

[lucybelle]

Do you think that some secrets are okay to keep in order to "protect" the other person?

I just found out my SO was hiding something from me for the past couple days. He had to tell me eventually and when he did he told me he didn't say anything before because he didn't want me to "freak out". I wasn't mad, but told him that he doesn't need to hide anything from me anymore.

What's your opinion on secrets that are meant to protect someone else? (and I'm not talking about surprise parties and such)

[nicole]

My SO used to keep a lot of stuff secret from me (I think he thinks I still don't know about a lot of it actually), when his ex girlfriend was being all crazy. At first I didn't know she was an "ex", I just knew her as "one of my best friends from back home who likes me", until when we were having a pre-LDR crisis talk and he finally confessed she was also an ex-girlfriend, and he had hid a lot of the stuff she was saying and doing so "I wouldn't be hurt". Well finding out like that hurt A LOT. I had spent months feeling dreadful because he has lost a friend over me... if I had known all the facts, I wouldn't have spent all that time feeling like a terrible person. And the fact he kept something so big secret made me paranoid for a very long time of what else he was keeping from me.

If it involved him protecting a third party, I think I would feel the same way. I would like to think he would trust me enough to not blab or get involved. I would feel like he had lied to me and didn't trust me.

[snow_girl]

My SO waited a week to tell me his visa had been declined because he didn't want it to ruin the trip we were taking. When he told me I understood why he did it, but I told him he didn't have to keep stuff to himself like that and that he should be able to tell me anything. I think the secrets we are talking about aren't necessary, I think its like what my parents used to say about its better to tell the truth then for them to find out later on and be even more angry

[kiara_silver]

The only secrets i think you should keep are the ones you said don't count, like surprises, presents, anniversary gifts, proposals, the good secrets. Everything else I think shouldn't be kept from your SO. To me he's my life partner, I want to know everything, and I want him to know everything about me. This is the man i love, if we can't share the serious things with each other, then who can we share them with? Even the hard stuff that hurts. I'd want to know. And I tell him even the petty stuff that im ashamed of or feel selfish or silly about. It's hard at times, but im choosing him, and i've given him my heart that includes my honesty and trust. I also expect the same from him, and i know he's open with me. Even if it upsets me at the time. I think this is important in a relationship.

[Haley53]

I don't like them. I don't like them even if I can understand the reasoning behind them, primarily because though I think not everything needs to be said, I disagree with the deliberate keeping of secrets, even if I'm sure we've all kept them at some point in our lives, whether or not they've come out at some point. I don't necessarily think it's the intention that's wrong, when it's something like in your case, where it's about protection/"protection," but the act. A part of me doesn't feel intention even matters, because if it's something you have to hide from your partner, then that's something that needs to be worked out to begin with. :P But I also have a hard time not saying what's on my mind, so secrets, even the happy ones like surprise parties!, are not my dealio, and I typically tend hold my partners to the same standard.

[ioanna]

A part of me doesn't feel intention even matters, because if it's something you have to hide from your partner, then that's something that needs to be worked out to begin with. :P.

This sums is it up for me
I have a lot of troubble with close ones keeping things from me... i knowi shouldnt take it as a mistrust issue, but its not always easy.. im working on it though

[Sierra]

For me this is a double edged sword. It's very important to me that my boyfriend be honest with me at all times, and this includes keeping secrets. I do not appreciate it. However, there have been times where he's been honest for me and I've lashed out at him. Mostly because I thought what he was doing was really wrong in our relationship and really hurt me.

So while yes, he wasn't telling me because he didn't want me to get hurt, he shouldn't be doing things that hurt me in the first place.

I don't keep secrets from my boyfriend. I am open and honest and it helps with communication. To me a secret can be a white lie, and to me a white lie is a lie.

[FadedSunrise]

This one is hard for us.

We're both rather private people so we're not used to sharing that much about ourselves with anyone, from significant other to siblings to parents to friends. He because he's always been oldest son, older brother, the person that is supposed to protect everyone. I because I've had to care for my mom since a relatively young age. We don't like to show weakness, and somehow subconsciously agree that revealing too many deep secrets is part of doing that.

If it concerned him, like if something happened that changed my plans of going to see him, I wouldn't keep it from him. That would be creating false hope and leading him on. If its about me, I will reveal them very very very very slowly as the relationship progresses, and no sooner. I'm just not comfortable with that otherwise, and neither is he.

[Mara]

I do see secrets [not the good kind] as almost lies. My ex would keep a lot of things secret from me because he knew how I'd react and feel about what he'd done. I feel like it's sort of trying to trick me into not feeling a certain way or reacting when I have a valid right to know. My current SO has only kept one secret from me and it was to "protect me", but we talked about that and I explained to him that I was much, much more hurt that he'd kept the secret from in the first place than just telling me. I am open and honest about everything even things that may be painful to hear and I expect the same of him.

[Hololz]

For me I think it would depend on the secret. We're pretty good at telling each other things, although I find being lied to more hurtful. He's not the type to keep secrets, but my SO has lied about little things in the past, he normally comes clean about them a few days after, but sometimes I wonder if he has come clean about everything (If he lies about little things whats to stop him from hiding big things). As long as he has been faithful to me I'm not going to let it worry me too much. Its easy to overthink things and get paranoid.

[Rugger]

I agree with the majority of replies that you shouldn't keep secrets from your SO. Honestly is the backbone of any relatiomship. Hiding things for your SO, no matter how innocent they are, can make it look like lying. For instance, My SO didn't tell me that he had dated his best friend's twin sister. It wasn't like he never saw her. She was with us every weekend and is a good friend to me. When I found out, I was upset that he didn't tell me. He thought because it didn't really mean anything to him, it didn't matter, but by hiding it, it did matter.

[blankita719]

I don't like secrets. My ex kept so many things from me because he knew I would react and it would cause a problem. Only when he was lying to me and telling me bills were being paid and they weren't, I came off looking really stupid when I wanted to argue with the power company because our power was being cut off because he didn't want to tell me he'd lost yet another job and didn't have any money - again. So now, I would much rather just be upfront and honest about what goes on. I realize that's a bit extreme but sometimes I feel it's a slippery slope between one little lie to shield you from harm to telling another to avoid a confrontation, to even more. But I'm biased because of my personal experience.

[efish1042]

My SO and I are still working on this. We don't usually keep secrets that aren't petty or just really personal that we don't feel ready to share yet, but know we will one day. Much earlier in our relationship, we had a problem with him not telling me things, but I found out anyway. It nearly broke us up, but we made it through. He recently kept a secret from me, but I found out. He at least didn't deny it this time. He opened up when I asked questions about it. We were doing really really well before that. It's hurt our relationship a little, but we're moving past it and we reiterated the "No lies, including those of omission, unless it's petty like surprise parties, etc." Honesty is very important to us as a couple but nobody is perfect.
Besides... it's useless anyway. They will find out in the end and you'll just look like a jerk and a fool for keeping secrets or lying.

[Alemap]

I believe in privacy, but not secrets.
The way I see it, privacy is not telling your SO about stuff that's purely your business, and keeping secrets is not telling them about stuff that also effects them.

[Sora1101]

I think it depends on the kind of secret, I mean I want my SO to be totally honest with me and I want to be totally honest with him but there are things I would rather not know about ya know? If a whole bunch of girls hit on him all the time and he told me about it I would just worry and be jealous unnecessarily because I do trust him not to do anything with these girls, but just knowing about it would make me doubt myself when I have no reason to and there's nothing I could do about it anyway. I think I might also keep stuff like that from him if the situation ever arose. I know I would never do anything with anyone else and he's got a bit of a nasty jealousy streak so I wouldn't want him to doubt me or himself. The only exception to that rule would be if either of them crossed a line into the "cheat zone".