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**lucybelle** · December 6, 2011, 03:45 PM

The way I see it, is you should move for yourself, not for your SO. If you are really excited about this new school, and starting in a new place, etc, then you should go head first into this move. But if your only reason to move is to be near your SO, I think you should rethink it. Obviously your SO is a reason for moving, but it shouldn't be the reason, ya know?

It took me a while to decide to move to CR, because of lots of the same stuff you're listing, but in the end I decided that even if I had never met my SO, I would have wanted to move to a different country and try my luck. I know that if I moved here for the sole purpose of being with my SO, I would totally resent him for being lonely, and the hardships of getting a visa, the huge bills that I have to pay out of my savings since I have no job yet, and everything else. But since it was my decision to be away from home, I feel better about everything that happens.

So I guess my point of my life story is to ask you, what are the reasons you want to move to TX? How will you benefit in life, love, and financially? Why will you be a better person for moving to TX? How will it help you in your future? Will you feel satisfied or accomplished with your move?

You already know you're committed to your relationship. So besides that, how will this make your life better?

**Haley53** · December 6, 2011, 03:56 PM

I have always held the opinion that some decisions you need to make for you, not for your relationship, for your SO, but for you. For example, school. No, if it weren't for your SO, you likely would not be sitting there with the decision lying in wait of "should I go to school here, or should I go to Texas?" but would it be at all possible to consider both schools independently of your SO? What are the pros of going to a school here, in California? The cons? Do the same for the school in Texas. What would be the better situation for you financially, emotionally, mentally, etc.? I think you need to do the same thing with your health. Are you putting off the surgeries because you want to try alternative treatments and hope they carry you through, or are you putting them off because of the recovery time and what that would mean for your relationship?

The thing is I feel like this is the same as it is when someone faces an issue with their partner and, say, an ex, or other women. Being there with your partner (why did I write parent originally? o.O;; ) to "monitor" him more or less, to be there when he's around other women, to lay claim to him, that doesn't solve the issue. His cutting out the ex, that doesn't solve the issue. You'll feel better after it, sure, because it's what you wanted, but you wanted it because that's the easy fix to what's more or less an issue within you that would require a damn hard time fixing. My point of this is that this issue that you're facing, it's not solely a distance related issue. I don't mean to plant ideas in your head or further your anxiety, but the issues you are having now will likely, at some point, surface and be present in your close-distance relationship. Moving to Texas is not the cure-all and I think you have to at least accept and understand that before making the decision to move. The distance may be exacerbating the problem, or bringing it to the surface and shining a light on and through it, but that problem existed prior to the distance and it will exist after closing the distance.

Personally, though I feel it's normal to be scared and have doubts, I also am hesitant to immediately say "throw caution to the wind!" For example, this issue of him staying out late, reminding you of your ex, being there is not going to stop that. It may for a while, because you'll be moved in (or at least there) and I'm sure there'll be a honeymoon period, but the behaviour he's engaging in now is behaviour he'll likely to revert to after things settle down; he may not even require a settling down period. Are you going to feel comfortable with it anymore then, close-distance, than you do now? What about the time he'll spend out with friends? Nights he comes home when you need to go to sleep in order to be up for work the next morning? And what anxieties the distance is causing, closing the distance will bring about a whole new slough of things you'll have to deal with, new situations and circumstances you won't immediately know how to deal with. There will be times when it will be downright anxiety-provoking then, too, and if you handle your anxiety by sabotaging your relationship, then that's going to be something that happens CD same as it does LD.

I'm not trying to discourage you. It simply sounds from this post here that you both are wanting to rush the move even sooner than you anticipated because of problems. :/ You don't want to deal with the distance any longer, you hate your place of employment (understandable, from what I've heard), you're tired of sabotaging your relationship and feel it will continue since you can't put up with the distance any longer, etc. And I feel like you're giving up things you wouldn't normally, like the surgeries, because you've both expressed not wanting to be in a distance relationship for that much longer. Though there are factors that play into closing the distance in a LDR that CD couples do not face when moving in with one another, it sounds like you're both expecting closing the distance to be a fixer-upper, or an escape, and for me, that's not what closing the distance should be about.

I honestly feel that though sometimes anxieties are irrational, others times you need to take an inward look, identify why you're feeling them, and consider whether or not you're making the right decision. A lot has seemed to run amok since you found out you might be closing the distance sooner than normal... Maybe you should talk about putting off that plan until you're both in a more stable place for your relationship? And unfortunately, what happens in the event of a break-up does need to be considered, in my opinion, when it comes to LDRs, but that doesn't mean you should let that anxiety/possibility control you/your thoughts/feelings/actions.

**Mara** · December 6, 2011, 04:15 PM

All the things you've listed are sort of hard for me to address because in my case if I had those issues, I wouldn't move, but that's not to discourage you from doing so. I think before you move though those are all things that you should at least have part way sorted out. Those are needs of yours that will have to be met in Texas. You will need to find a doctor able to treat you with your injury and health status and possible even to do surgery. You will need to apply to school there if you want to further your education [preferably maybe the one you've already spoken to someone about?]. You could wait to find a job until you move there, but I'm not sure how easy or hard that would be for you given your health so I would really recommend at least having some type of job lined up.

The truth of it is, your relationship might fail. Any of our relationships might fail. I think part of moving is making peace with well what if this does fail. Not even moving, but really just taking these steps to be able to move you need to also accept and think of the fact that things may very well fail.

When my SO and I close the distance, I will be making some sacrifices. Nothing large thank goodness, but there are some things, some plans I had in my life that I am going to alter to fit him and our life into. We might go down the drain, but I know I won't regret my choice in moving and trying to make things work and just because my SO and I might not work out, doesn't mean that I can't continue on wherever we will be living finishing up what I started. I will be in school when we close the distance so it won't be like I'll be able to up and leave if we don't work out, but that's something I am okay with.

**Sierra** · December 6, 2011, 04:43 PM

I wish I could say that I'm making this move for me. Unfortunately, that isn't really the case unless you consider being with your SO a move for you -- which I, honestly, do. I do have other reasons to make a move to another state that are far too personal to go into, but the move would be to be with my SO. Not because of a university, not for the night life, not for anything else.

This is not the first time I've moved without knowing anyone or the likes, but again, for very personal reasons and I made it work then, without having a relationship at the time.

I feel like moving to Texas is my only choice to forward in our relationship. Neither my boyfriend nor I are willing to continue being in a long distance relationship longer than necessary and that requires one of us making a move. While I see many people here don't have the same priorities, at least immediately, he and I do think it's essential for us to be closer together.

I'm not worried about developing resentments or the like because I can always come back. I will always be able to come home.

As for your questions, moving to Texas will free me from a lot of unnecessary stress and responsibility that is taking a toll on me emotionally and physically. It will allow me to escape from an intolerable situation I've been put in. Job opportunities are plentiful there, instead of what we're looking at in my area - which is actually another recession. Furthermore, I would be able to buy a home in Texas where I would be looking at at least a decade of savings here before even making a dent in a home purchase. I would be able to nurture my hobbies and loves with likeminded people (I hope). I love horseback riding and fishing, both are things that are really embraced within the culture there, and not here.

In Texas, while there is a lower cost of living, the wages that I make in my current profession, are the same, which means I'd be making significantly more money. This would allow me to move towards my goals in the future and find a much more stable, promising position there, where I'm struggling to do that here.

Will I feel accomplished by my move? For taking the risk even if it doesn't work out - yes. But not enough to make me stay there if my relationship falls apart.

As for weighing pros and cons for schools ... it doesn't matter. If we don't close the distance one way or another, my relationship will end. Neither of us have it in us to be in an extended long distance relationship. School here will be more crowded, and more costly. I don't know about the school there.

My surgeries are from ongoing health issues for the last 3 years. I don't want to change doctors. I wanted to have the surgery PREVIOUS to now because of my relationship but had to put it off because of, again, personal reasons I really don't want to talk about here (basically nobody being able to take care of me for a day). The thought of the recovery process and not knowing if I'll have him to rely on to help me is terrifying. I know I can't do it on my own and he swears up and down he'll be there for me, but he can't demonstrate that by being there for me now.

I will say, we're not rushing this decision because of our current issues, us closing the distance was on the table before these issues even came up. But we both do have expectations that by a certain time either it will, or it won't work out. And both of us want to live together because we see it as a viable solution to MANY of our issues, which really have been created by the distance. We both have faith in our relationship and I don't think it's misplaced.

As for his behavior now, I'm willing to see if/how things change and progress over the next several months before I say ... sign a lease. He says if I'm there, just like you said, he'll be coming home to me, which really isn't even the issue here, but I've told him I need him to SHOW me that before I blindly believe. If there is one thing I know about me, it's that I'm no fool.

We have put off our initial plan (which I think you were aware of) of closing the distance sooner (in April) until August - September. This is both of our thresholds when it comes to being long distance (16 - 18 months) and I feel like we're justified in those feelings.

I think though you both are right, I need to sit back and look at why I'm making this move and how it'll benefit not only me, but him. I know we'll have plenty of time to talk about it between now and then. Thanks for the advice.

**Engel** · December 6, 2011, 06:41 PM

Would you still consider, even if slightly, moving there, if it wasnt for him? if the relationship doesnt work, you need a sense of purporse, and not of having put your life aside because of someone else. do it for him, but do it for you first.

**Moon** · December 6, 2011, 06:43 PM

I'm starting to wonder a little if you don't kind of want your relationship to end, you seem to be putting up all these obstacles for yourself and making them much bigger than they have to be

Listen, it's not just your relationship that there are no guarantees in, there are NO guarantees in life - at all. If you want something, or think you want it, you have to just go and do it. While I don't necessarily agree with moving just for yourself and not your boyfriend (I'd never, ever consider moving to freezing Finland if not for my boy, I'm a warm weather creature

) I do think everyone should at least attempt to live in a totally different area for a while, it's good for you and you'll learn from it.

You've said several times that you and he will not stay in an LDR, but if you want to be with him, someone's gotta go. Sure, you might hate Texas, but you know what? There's a chance you might absolutely love it. You'll never know unless you try it, and if you don't at least try, you'll probably always wonder about it. I realize you're worried about signing up for school, and then breaking up, but so what if you do? If school is only a year, you finish, it's only one short year, anyone can deal with that amount of time, you can move back when you're done (unless you love Texas!).

As for your health issues, well, they do have doctors in Texas, like you said

Look, you're young, you aren't established yet, you have nothing to lose really, except your fear. Do it while it's still relatively easy, look at it as a bit of an adventure if you want, and see if its for you, just do it! It's only a move, you don't have to stay forever if you don't want to, and it's sounds like it's the only way to see if your guy really is the one you'll always want to be with. Don't overthink it, people move far away everyday. It's natural to have fear, but the question is do you think he's worth it to you to overcome and conquer it?

**Bethypoo** · December 6, 2011, 10:32 PM

I agree with lucybelle. You need to move because you want to and for you. Not because you think it is what you SO wants or all of those reason.

I basically agree with her entire post actually. If you just have hopes that it will be better, that really isnt much to go on. You need to make sure that you can beset and stable because if not if could just end up putting more stress on the two of you and backfire.

**Sierra** · December 7, 2011, 11:27 AM

Originally posted by Engel View Post

Would you still consider, even if slightly, moving there, if it wasnt for him? if the relationship doesnt work, you need a sense of purporse, and not of having put your life aside because of someone else. do it for him, but do it for you first.

I would consider moving to another state, and often do, but with no real state in mind. Would I move to where he is? Probably not. But I can't say if that's because I hadn't been there before I met him or anything like that. There ARE plus sides of me moving there.

Originally posted by Moon View Post

I'm starting to wonder a little if you don't kind of want your relationship to end, you seem to be putting up all these obstacles for yourself and making them much bigger than they have to be

Listen, it's not just your relationship that there are no guarantees in, there are NO guarantees in life - at all. If you want something, or think you want it, you have to just go and do it. While I don't necessarily agree with moving just for yourself and not your boyfriend (I'd never, ever consider moving to freezing Finland if not for my boy, I'm a warm weather creature

) I do think everyone should at least attempt to live in a totally different area for a while, it's good for you and you'll learn from it.

You've said several times that you and he will not stay in an LDR, but if you want to be with him, someone's gotta go. Sure, you might hate Texas, but you know what? There's a chance you might absolutely love it. You'll never know unless you try it, and if you don't at least try, you'll probably always wonder about it. I realize you're worried about signing up for school, and then breaking up, but so what if you do? If school is only a year, you finish, it's only one short year, anyone can deal with that amount of time, you can move back when you're done (unless you love Texas!).

As for your health issues, well, they do have doctors in Texas, like you said

Look, you're young, you aren't established yet, you have nothing to lose really, except your fear. Do it while it's still relatively easy, look at it as a bit of an adventure if you want, and see if its for you, just do it! It's only a move, you don't have to stay forever if you don't want to, and it's sounds like it's the only way to see if your guy really is the one you'll always want to be with. Don't overthink it, people move far away everyday. It's natural to have fear, but the question is do you think he's worth it to you to overcome and conquer it?

I've got to admit, I woke up wondering the same thing. Part of me knows that a lot of my frustration right now is coming from the distance and other outside stressors in my life. (which are MAJOR) I know I have self esteem issues and part of me is just paralyzed with fear that I'm going to make these changes and he's going to ... well just leave me. This is TERRIFYING to me (and would be close or long distance). I know this is deep rooted for me, life hasn't been easy, my relationships have never been easy - they've been traumatic and I don't know if I'm ready to just ... let something good happen. I'm one of those people who needs to be shown things and that's hard with the distance. There's no way for him to come take care of me when I'm sick, or even physically be there for me when I need someone the most and while I know this isn't either of our faults, it really does make me insecure. I really hope this makes sense to someone out there.

I don't want you guys to think I'm not dealing with these issues, I am. Every week I'm in therapy trying to work through my irrationally emotions, fears and anxieties.

When I went to Texas for the first time, I went thinking I was going to absolutely hate it, in fact, almost everyone in my life tried to point out all the negative things about it. But when I went there, I LOVED it. It wasn't anything like people told me, everyone was so nice and I think I could fit in well. I agree, with you that sometimes we just have to do something for ourselves and go on an adventure. If it doesn't work out, like I said before, I can always come back. It's the pressing issues I'm concerned about.

I do TRULY believe in my relationship. I believe that he and I can work this out. It's going to take patience on both our parts, communication and working together. We both dedicated ourselves to this the other night on the phone. Neither of us wants to lose the other.

I love this man, I know he's it for me. I guess ... I thought I'd never find him, or deserve him, and now that I have, being hurt again really is debilitating. I'm trying so hard to get over it....

People in my family have basically said the same thing to me that has been said in this thread -- you shouldn't do something because of a relationship. But I'm going to be honest, isn't that what a relationship is about? Compromise between two people? He and I aren't willing to endure the distance for very much longer, it's too hard on both of us, but we're willing to compromise and I'm willing to move there. I don't see anything wrong with basing that decision on a relationship -- what if this is the man I marry? What if he's the man I'm supposed to marry and I don't go just because I wouldn't otherwise because I decided not to base my decisions around a relationship?

I'm just torn. I know seeing him tomorrow will make it better. We even talked about closing the distance and me going to school out there last night and he seemed excited. We talked about what would happen if it didn't work out, and he said he would never screw me over if we were living together or he was supporting me because I was at school, and I believe him.

Sometimes we have to just take a risk, I'm just so effing scared of this one.
But at the end of the day, I also know it's not just my relationship, it's everything else that's going on in my life too that's making me insane and not stable. Any person can only deal with so much before they break, and let me tell you, the stress of my life has already broken me, my relationship, sadly, is taking the brunt of it, where it should be my refuge.

**Haley53** · December 7, 2011, 12:12 PM

Yes, your relationship should be your refuge, but I feel that sometimes, the relationship becomes the refuge by being the place we can unload our stress, worries, anger, etc. For example, my partner went through a period of intense hostility, where occasionally it was misdirected and I received the brunt of it. :P Why? Put simply because I'm safe. It's similar to adolescence. Most teenagers in your average household would not act out unless it was safe for them to do so, and the parents and family members receive the sheer most of it because those are people in your life that regardless of your situation, regardless of your relationship, aren't going away. It's not as easy to push away or get angry at what's fragile, what could break if you took too deep a breath, etc., so though it's not healthy for a relationship, I wouldn't say it's abnormal either, and I feel that the more self-aware you become in response to it, the more aware you eventually get at when you're starting to take things out on your relationship; the more able you are to say "I'm doing it again. I need a breather for a couple minutes," because stepping back, making yourself aware of what you're doing, will prevent it from continuing.

I wanted to add, too, that I'm not saying you shouldn't move for someone. :P I mean I had considered a working holiday before but I was not sure where and I was not sure how it would be worked out. Realising that my partner won't be able to come here to work in 2013/2014, I'm realising that that's going to fall on me, and I have been starting to think more about how I'm going to accomplish that goal. What I meant more was that you need to be the primary decision maker, and the decisions need to be made primarily about you. I mean more to say that's let's say the school in California was better for you, I would hate to see you (or anyone) sacrifice that opportunity. As much as I would love to do a working holiday and spend a year with my partner, if it would somehow lessen my chances at getting into a good grad school, then we're going to have to think of something else. Your future has to come first, because building a solid foundation with someone together involves building those solid foundations individually. That's what I meant is all, not that you shouldn't move because he's a factor.

I'm also not doubting that you can do it. I simply don't want you moving for the wrong reasons, i.e. to fix an issue, if that makes sense, as that's what I'd gathered from your OP.

**Sierra** · December 7, 2011, 12:35 PM

The school in Texas would be much better for allowing me to reach my goals than any local school here (plus with our current budget crisis, I worry about the schools here and class availability). I feel like, if I have to move, lets just use for example, because I want to go to school, why not move closer to my partner?

I feel like in a long distance relationship the likelihood of you moving to where your partner is because of another opportunity is .... mostly unrealistic. What would be the chances that I'd randomly get, say, offered a job in Texas when I live in California? I don't have a reason to randomly go where he lives and think 'hey I LOVE it here and could live here' outside of my relationship. I've been to the airport there before, but that doesn't count for anything. I'm at the point in my life where I'm looking at my career, building a family, all that jazz, and someone has to sacrifice something.

I don't have a problem with moving to Texas, as I've said before, for personal reasons I think it would be extremely beneficial for me to get away, there are better job opportunities there than there are here and there's a great school in the area for me to go to. I guess, what I'm concerned about is taking care of my issues before I make this move.

The closer it comes to making a decision, like applying to a school and what not, the more questions and concerns come to mind. Am I abnormal for this? I do know I over think things and over analyze, when I shouldn't, but mostly that's when I come here to talk about it and get some outside opinions on what's going on from people in a similar situation.

My boyfriend and I do both feel like closing the distance will help our issues, and while I understand (like having a baby) won't change problems that exist, if things would be different because I was there and not 1,700 miles away, I can't deny that. We'll see though, we are going to spend some time together, but not much as I get no sick time from work, but I think we're trying to do the best we can within the confines our relationship, if that makes any sense.

**Haley53** · December 7, 2011, 12:45 PM

Class availability can be terrible, depending on your major. I'm a third year psych major and was unable to enroll in any of the classes that I needed because they all filled up. Will I be able to add? Hopefully, but the fact I'm a third year and was unable to get into any of the classes I needed to begin with is sad. :P So I won't argue you there.

I do agree about the opportunities randomly popping up. I'm sure for some people, they do, but I think for a lot of us, moving to be with our partners involves sacrifice. And I don't think you're abnormal for fearing it. Granted that's coming from someone who analyses things to death, so maybe I don't count, but there's a lot of risk that comes with giving up one life and moving to start over somewhere else entirely different. It's exciting but terrifying and naturally, the closer it gets, the more scenarios you're going to think of in which things could go horribly wrong. You're having cold feet and it's fine, it happens.

What I think is important to remember is that good things come out of most situations, whether or not you see them immediately. You're either going to go into this and it's going to work and be grand, good thing being obvious, or you're going to go into it and it doesn't (I hate to state it so bluntly, but it's true), and you'll still be left with a good thing, even if that good thing is experience, exposure, and a better year of education. The thing is that you have to approach this the same way as you would an adventure of a lifetime. You could choose to stay in the hotel, watch TV, be safe, but you could also go exploring. Get lost, find more rural, local places, etc. :P Which one sounds more interesting? The thing is that you can't let risk or fear be what stops you from going for your adventure, from writing your story. Hurt is part of life, but that doesn't mean every situation we go into is going to end up with us falling flat on our asses, and trust me, I do know how hard it is when you're sitting there almost waiting for that perfect person to say "HA! The joke's on you!" or "There's a catch..." but honestly, you cannot let those fears be used as your defence mechanisms, or they will destroy your windows for happiness. :/ I don't know if there's anything anyone can say to promise it will or won't work out. This is a leap of faith, but you said yourself you can always move back; it's not like you're leaping without a parachute, and he could very well be down there on the ground waiting to catch you and snuggle you when you land. :P

**Sierra** · December 7, 2011, 01:26 PM

Thanks Eclaire, I know how right you are.

Announcement

Making Big Closing the Distance Decisions in an Unstable Relationship

Making Big Closing the Distance Decisions in an Unstable Relationship

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