He is confusing me

[mlestoll]

ok, to begin, i'm new to this site, and i'm VERY glad i found it!

anyway, i'm very confused about my boyfriend. we have been dating for over two years, all LDR, and i just don't know if he is serious about our relationship or not. we're both in our second semester of college, he's nineteen and i'm twenty. i don't know if it's him, or just how relationships like this normally go, but i feel like he keeps me on an emotional roller coaster.

he says things like 'he is still the same man that i fell in love with' and 'he's passionate about keeping our relationship going', yet it's been like pulling teeth to get him to at least plan to visit me. in fact, it was his female friend who made plans for both of them to visit in august. i've suspected him of skating on the edge of infidelity with her, because every time he talks about going partying with her and their friends, she always tries sexually inappropriate things with him, and he allows her to in order to 'feel how powerful his love for me is' when she doesn't turn him on. he re words it and says 'i told her that area belongs to you' and says 'we were drunk too'. she's my friend on facebook and she's really nice too, which adds to the confusion.

when i met him, he talked about wanting a son and wanting to name him nick after his great grandfather, but anytime i get excited about the plan, he tells me to focus on the present because 'it will all happen in good time'. he also says things like 'i'll be a good mother' and stuff like that.

he doesn't mind communication with me, in fact he encourages it. he's very intelligent, and he's helped me improve how i see things, but he also rubs his intelligence in my face. when i learn something new and i'm excited about it, he explains how it's incorrect.

he says he cares about improving our relationship, yet he whines and complains when i try to go out and do other things. he just doesn't understand the 'dried out' and 'burnt out' concept, even though he's not exactly producing the best fruit in our relationship either. i try to draw the line on stuff that worries me, and he tells me i'm taking things too seriously and i shouldn't worry.

i just don't know if he's a boy or a man. i don't know if he's genuinely trying to make this work or just mess around. i also don't know if i should be worried about his female friend. are these things normal? will they clear up once we meet?

[Haley53]

... In my opinion, the fact that that "area belongs to you" should be enough of a reason for him to tell her to stop, not let her go for it regardless and then brag about telling her "that area is yours" when he was drunk. He's still letting her act and touch him inappropriately; what's it matter what he tells her if he's not putting a stop to her behaviour? What I don't get is how letting her act sexually is somehow proof of the "power" of your love? Quite frankly, it sounds like the worst excuse I've heard for him to make cheating/having affections with someone else okay. o.O;; I don't mean to sound rude but this is new to me. Has he ever told you why he hasn't directly told her to stop? All issues aside, this one seems to be the biggest, frankly, because it doesn't sound bordering on infidelity, it sounds already there.

[mlestoll]

thank you! i've tried breaking up with him several times, but i go back because i feel guilty. he told me that he cries when i try to break up with him, and then when he and i are separated, i think about who he was when i met him and all of the positive stuff i would miss if i decided to cut ties completely. the crying response is new to me too, but this is my longest relationship, so i should expect more of an emotional attachment to have an effect on him. is it fair to tell him we should see other people and come back to him when i didn't find what i was looking for? or is that horrible and disgusting? i mean, cause i'm just very undecided about whether or not he will grow out of his bad habits.

[Haley53]

I don't feel guilt should be your reason for staying in an unhappy relationship, simply because you're able to look back on what good times you had long enough to forget the way he's treating you now. :/ I think if you're telling him you should see other people to hurt him or to get revenge on him, then yes, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. I think if you want to have an open relationship and date around that, in this case, it's probably better to break up with him entirely. He doesn't sound at all like he's keen on working through his issues with communication or his issues in the relationship and quite frankly, he's cheating on you. I don't believe for a second he's not being turned on, depending on what she's doing, and either way, he's acting extremely inappropriately. Personally I would break up with him and cut contact. Don't even give him a chance to tell you he's crying over it. The way I see it is so what? If you meant enough for him to cry over being broken up with you, then he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. He's manipulating you so that he can have his main course and his salad on the side. You deserve better than that, frankly. If the break-up really rattled him that much, he would have changed his behaviour a long time ago, but he's basically learnt he can treat you like shit and you'll stick around cause he can guilt you into it. Unfortunately, in cases like this, they're never going back to the man they were before, or to being the person that you met. I would seriously reconsider this relationship, and if you want to make it work, I would be honest with him about all the issues that you're having and tell him if they don't change, you can't do it any longer. But you have to mean it, because I already feel like it's lost its value; you can only threaten a break-up so often before it loses its meaning.

[annb8888]

I agree with Eclaire. It's the lamest excuse in the book of all history of excuses. It's the same as doing like you having sex with another guy and telling him all the while, "hey, he's not as good as you! I'm "testing" myself if my love is strong for you." wtf.

The mere fact that he's engaging in inappropriate actions with this female friend is already considered cheating.

People who "tests" themselves are often lacking security. They want to assure themselves that what they're feeling is real - the problem is, if it IS real, why do they have to doubt themselves? Another thing, the fact that you keeping coming back to him when he starts putting a crying show is giving him the impression that you can't let him go and that you can't live without him. That's being egoistic. Im sorry but I really didn't like what he's doing with his female friend and using it as an excuse to "test" his love. That's just so disgusting.

Tell him you're uncomfortable with it and move on. I know it's hard to see someone you love cry but don't love yourself less.

[Alemap]

He sounds, frankly, like either a total idiot with no grasp on reality, or an emotionally manipulative tool. "Look how much I love you, I'm having inappropriate contact with other women but not sleeping with them!" The part of that sentence you should focus on is "inappropriate contact with other women", not the "not sleeping with them" part (unlike your boyfriend, who has it the wrong way around), because love is listening when your partner is uncomfortable with something and reaching an appropriate compromise to help them feel secure, not continuing to do the thing that upsets them just to prove to them why it's "okay"!
Drop him like a lead balloon (I know it's really hard when you remember how great he used to be, but people do change, and it seems he's just not that guy anymore, sadly), and don't take him back unless he commits to changing his behaviour (and then follows through!). He may well love you, but he doesn't value or respect your (not at all unreasonable) boundaries, and loving you isn't the same thing as deserving you, or treating you right. Love in this case is only a noun, and it needs to be a verb - if a person isn't willing to behave in a loving manner towards us, then it doesn't matter how much love they may feel for us; they're not earning our love returned.
Let him go, and cut contact so that he can't guilt you with his grief. If he misses you, that's no longer your concern.
Let him cry, because tears alone don't mean anything other than loss. If he really wants you, if he really deserves you, he'll take action, and commit to making the changes required to show he's worthy of you again.

[Engel]

He is 19, you are 20, you shouldnt get excited with the idea of a baby for NOW. but its ok to be if its talked as something for the future.

as for having a friend like he has.. that is just inaproppriate, and I would never continue in a relationship with someone like that.

[mlestoll]

Okay!!! i've talked to him, and he's actually really understanding this time. he told me that 'he will make any changes necessary, as long as i don't break up with him'. he told me that he still regrets what he did with his female friend, and he even turned to God about it. he also promises to give me more space and freedom to be with friends and family. it could just be me. i mean, i could be overreacting. it's also my fault too for closing up and not wanting to tell him how i feel. it bothers me when he and i get too comfortable and/or passionate with each other, because i feel like it means that i shouldn't have issues in the relationship anymore, because things are 'all good'. so i get this feeling that i'm closed in. also, he never brings up any issues he has with the relationship either, at least if he does it's just minor stuff, so i feel bad for being the one to make waves.

[Alemap]

Well, I wish you luck.
I hope it works out, but keep your eyes open.
Good luck to you both.

[mlestoll]

thank you guys! i just love this site!!! it's just awesome!!! once again, thank you all for your advice and encouragement