Name Calling?

[floridaellen]

My SO is normally a great guy. We have one issue though. Whenever we fight, he has a tendency to call me a bitch or say I'm acting like a bitch. He says it's just because he's blunt and "tells it like it is". But it really hurts me. Should I bring this up or leave it alone and try to not let it hurt?

EDIT: He has said he will work on it since it bothers me. I think it's because he does not have any positive male role models. His father physically and verbally abused his mother.

I feel weird telling this to people but I need advice.

[Alemap]

It is completely unacceptable for him to talk to you like that.
Do not stand for it.

[Lissy]

It sounds like you've addressed this problem, and that he's willing to work on it, which is a good sign. And if it doesn't change, address it again. Put your foot down, and do it early on, because him calling you derogatory names, even in a moment of anger, is disrespectful and just not right.

In my past relationship, one of the forms of abuse I went through was verbal, and I found that my ex calling me a bitch when she was mad at me was kind of a gateway to further verbal abuse, worse name-calling and put-downs. I'm not saying your guy will do this, and it's good that you've made it clear that hearing these things hurt.

Hopefully, he can quit this behavior because, in my opinion, it is abusive, and it can potentially ruin a relationship. Sometimes, arguments are inevitable, but it should be done in a way that is as constructive as possible. If he's so angry that he's calling you names, then it is obviously not a good time to talk. It is possible that he's mirroring the behavior he's learned from his parents, but that is no excuse to be calling you names. You don't have to put up with that. I hope things improve for you. Good luck. *hug*

[Bethypoo]

I agree with Alemap.

Yes he is working on it. That is great. But you do need to have a conversation about it because it is not okay at all.

As for the whole role model thing, that is a excuse to an extent. He can make his choices and knows that it is not acceptable. For example, if he didnt like when he mom was treated that way, why in the world would he treat you that way??

[Zapookie]

It's good that you told him that it hurts. You now just have to watch to see whether he's making progress. So if you have a fight again, and he calls you names, call him out on it as soon as he does it and tell him it's not on. I'm sure you know not to call him names back, can't fight fire with fire. But yeah, if he does it again, tell him, and then I would suggest not talking to him for a little while to get your message across. He needs to know that it's not okay.

My SO and I rarely fight, but if we do, we never say hurtful things. Yeah sure people can lose it when they're fighting, and say some nasty things, but there's always some truth behind it, because they wouldn't have said it if there wasn't.

[Jgui]

Name-calling no matter what the situation is are unacceptable in a relationship.

[elizabethjp2010]

just make sure he knows when he does it.

like he said hes going to work on it, and he needs to figure out how to control his anger in a non hurtful way, you dont know where that could lead if he doesnt learn

[books]

You should absolutely say something, unless you are okay with him calling you a bitch (which you're obviously not). Name calling of any kind is pretty much a deal breaker for me and my SO knows this. About the role model thing...I see the validity in this, but also see it turning into an excuse. The actual statistics nationally are that boys growing up in abusive homes are 4 times more likely to abuse their partners in adult relationships and girls growing up in abusive homes are 5 times more likely to wind up in abusive relationships themselves. Statistics are just that though....statistics. To use myself as an example, I grew up in an abusive home, where my earliest memories of my father are of him beating my mother, and I have never been in an abusive relationship myself (the closest was just dealing with a needy ex that loved to play head games). I used the example I was shown as what I didn't want for myself. Your SO can make that same choice (and it is a choice he's making to call you a bitch).

As a side note, I work for a victim's services agency and am expected to memorize random statistics which speak to the epidemic of abuse. I still very much believe that any kind of abuse is a personal choice.

[NaNi]

That's just unacceptable. He should never call you such names.

[lucybelle]

He shouldn't "work on it" he should stop now, and never ever do it again. Do not allow it. His past is irrelevant, don't ever let it happen again.

[HollzHeartsChris]

It shouldn't happen. Why should the person who loves you and the one you love ever call you a bitch? It's beyond me. For whatever reason, it has to stop. Now.

[Haley53]

You should absolutely say something, unless you are okay with him calling you a bitch (which you're obviously not). Name calling of any kind is pretty much a deal breaker for me and my SO knows this. About the role model thing...I see the validity in this, but also see it turning into an excuse. The actual statistics nationally are that boys growing up in abusive homes are 4 times more likely to abuse their partners in adult relationships and girls growing up in abusive homes are 5 times more likely to wind up in abusive relationships themselves. Statistics are just that though....statistics. To use myself as an example, I grew up in an abusive home, where my earliest memories of my father are of him beating my mother, and I have never been in an abusive relationship myself (the closest was just dealing with a needy ex that loved to play head games). I used the example I was shown as what I didn't want for myself. Your SO can make that same choice (and it is a choice he's making to call you a bitch).

As a side note, I work for a victim's services agency and am expected to memorize random statistics which speak to the epidemic of abuse. I still very much believe that any kind of abuse is a personal choice.

This. His past is a reason, not a justification.

My opinion is he needs to work on identifying where his anger levels are if/when you two are arguing. At what point does he start wanting to call you a bitch/tell you you're acting like one? That's the point he needs to become more aware of, and he needs to learn to recognise when he's reaching that point so he can take some time to breathe and calm down, and perhaps if your arguments are reaching this point, that's something you should both be working on; if you can both recognise where your limits for anger are before he starts resorting to the name calling, I would consider taking some time away from the phone/computer/etc. when you feel those levels being reached.

[floridaellen]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I just wanted justification because I tend to make problems when there aren't any.

I really think he doesn't realize his behavior is wrong. He has definitely said he'll try not to say it again. It normally happens when we get really angry and we're working on not reaching that level of anger. He never does it in person, just over the phone.

I am also happy that this thread didn't turn into a SO bashing or anything. Thanks for that everyone!

I feel better now so I'm going to close this thread.