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**Moon** · December 8, 2011, 10:07 AM

You won't hear that "trust! love!" crap from me

You have to realize that while marriage and all that which comes with it might be your dream, but that doesn't mean it's the dream of whomever you're with and if they aren't ready for it according to your timeline, then well....they just aren't. It's better to let the relationship go than be in a marriage with someone who's not ready for it. I've been married twice, it's so much more than just laughing with you, moving or eating your meals, and psychologically it's an enormous step that sometimes people in their 20's simply aren't ready for. In other words, it's not that there's anything wrong with you at all, you're just picking guys that have different immediate goals. It's not that you aren't good enough, they just aren't ready, that's all. It doesn't make these men bad people, they're being true to themselves, and considering their own happiness and their needs at the moment, just like you are.

Your current boyfriend is being smart, he knows marriage is your goal, but he's making sure you're the girl for him before he commits to that, and that's hard to do apart. A 2 year visa is sufficient time for you both to be sure you've both found the person you want to spend your life with. If you get there and realize there are things you cannot live with, you'll be thankful for not jumping in too quickly for the rest of your life. At first, everything will be all rainbows and unicorns, but as you spend more time together and the initial rush wears off, you're then more ready to make the decision after a few good battles and seeing who leaves the most dirty dishes in the sink

It's OK to be scared, but you haven't had much time together, and this is the only way to do that. It could turn out that YOU don't want to marry HIM! There are no guarantees in life, but if you love that guy, stop comparing him to your EX and go find out if he's even worth it to consider marrying. You're so worried about him not wanting to marry, but are you really sure yet that he's even husband material? You can't live by dreams alone, there needs to be a huge does of reality in them to make them work. Finding the right person is much, much more important than any timeline.

**thatgirllit** · December 8, 2011, 10:35 AM

1) I want to thank you for writing a well organized and well articulated. One of the reasons people often don't respond to lengthier post is because when people write longer post they just tend to ramble incoherently.

2) Foundation for my response: My SO is from France and I will be moving there for a year (to study and travel) in the fall of 2012. I previously, albeit briefly (less than four months), date a guy (CD) who was a compulsive liar.

I think you bring up a lot of different issues in your post and I will respond to them each separately:

3) "This was ridiculously stupid admittedly"--This statement would seem to indicate that you feel you should have acted differently in your previous relationship. Do you feel that you should have acted differently? And if so, how? From what you have stated, it seems like you behaved in an extremely reasonable manner. You were honest about your feelings, and intentions, for the duration of the relationship. You apprised him of your goals, beliefs and values and gave him the opportunity to state if they were not in line with his own. Upon receiving a positive affirmation that his goals were in line with your own, you gave him more than enough time to make an effort to move toward those goals. Your behavior strikes me as exceedingly rational and I really don't know what else you could have done. However, if you do not feel comfortable with your past actions, then you need to figure out what you would have done differently and take those actions in the future.

4) Closure--Despite the fact that you said that you have grieved over this relationship and this man, and have moved on, it doesn't seem as though you have found closure. Unfortunately, finding closure is a lot harder than moving on. There are many different ways to find closure, one of which could involve you sending a letter to your ex and asking him why it ended the way it did (with him deciding not to propose). Or you could really talk about it with a friend or professional. I think your current SO is too involved to be the sounding board or bystander you need. I think you need to find closure. I know that you said you have 'moved on"...and I believe you, but it's not the same thing.

5) Values--I think you are very clear about your values and what you want from a relationship. I think this is healthy. As long as you have clearly articulated these values to your current SO, then I don't see anything wrong with you moving forward.

6) Time--You are taking a risk by moving to England...but time is really the only thing you could lose. And I know it's precious, but you can't let it stop you from LIVING. There are any number of ways that this could end. a) You go to England, all is honky dory, he proposes and you get married. b) You go to England, life is not so great on the other side of the pond (for whatever reason), he doesn't propose and you are grateful he doesn't. c) You go to England, all is honky dory, he doesn't propose and you go home heartbroken. The list goes on... However, I don't think your SO and your relationship should be your first consideration. Have you ever lived outside of Canada? Living in another country and experiencing another culture is a growing experience. (I say this as someone who has spent the past six months living in SE Asia). I think you should think about England as a opportunity for you to grow and learn and have a truly AMAZING experience. Go with your relationship still at the forefront of your mind, but go for the experience. It will put a lot less stress/pressure on you AND your partner. If you are worried about losing the time...if you came home unmarried...if two years is too much time to dedicate to YOURSELF and having a new experiences then I do not think you should go.

7) Trust--I think you should trust your SO; he is not your ex and he should not pay for the crimes of others. However, I think you should also trust yourself. When you get there, if all is not well (and hopefully it is), do not force yourself to "make it work" for the sake of a little lost time and money. Trust yourself. Trust YOUR instincts. If you can do that, it will be a lot easier to trust your SO and others...I know, easier said than done.

8) Insecurity (Personal)--It seems like your previous relationship has caused you to have some personal insecurities. I think you need to work through those or they will not only affect your relationship with your SO, but it could also affect your relationship with your children...they see more than we realize...especially little girls. You are the bomb.com. You need to believe that. Not KNOW that you should believe that, but actually believe that.

9) Insecurity (Current Relationship)--If you are willing to move to another country to pursue this relationship then you obviously love him. Don't allow your relationship to suffer because of your previous experiences. Stay in the moment. Stay with him. Keep the future in mind, but don't hold on so tightly. Experience everything you can, in each moment with your partner. Believe him when he tells you he loves you. Allow his actions, and not the actions of your ex, to prove that to you.

I hope this helped...it actually helped me a bit writing it. My SO is from France and is currently studying in the U.S. I will be moving to France to study in September of 2012. All of the feelings you have brought up in this post crossed my mind at one time or another. My partner is also very nontraditional and while he wants children, he doesn't think that marriage necessarily has to come first. You and I are of a similar mindset on this issue and I told him no ring, no babies. Period. When it comes to moving across the Ocean, I have decided to make it about me and not about him. This will be an AMAZING experience for me. I want everything to work out with him, I really do, but if for whatever reason it doesn't, then I refuse to regret this experience.

This post has gotten really long.

I hope I have helped even a bit. Best of luck with your decision and please keep us posted.

**greensweatergirl** · December 8, 2011, 11:02 AM

Moon -

Moon - Thanks for the no-nonsense, Dr. Phil approach (but with sensible advice).

As I said I don't want to jump into marriage right now. I'm not (and maybe the previous post doesn't make it clear) one of those marriage obsessed girls clamoring to get to the altar so I can feel special for a day. I don't care if I even have a wedding really. I want to marry him eventually because I want to win the job of making him happy, and because he is the most caring, loving wonderful man I've ever known. He's spent time looking for jobs with me. He fixed everything around my apartment while he was here and cooked breakfast every morning. And I know it's not just him putting his best foot forward, because we were friends for nearly 2 years before we got together, and I watched him be just as loving and caring to his last girlfriend. I know I want to marry him, and it's not a decision I've made without time and evidence to consider. It's only the "romance" that is new, so to speak. So short of him running a meth lab in his basement, I am sure of wanting to be with him. And I know he feels the same, he's said so.

My problem is this: Despite all the evidence, despite all the caring and understanding, despite the fact that we are on the same page with waiting to get married, a piece of me is absolutely convinced I will get screwed over by him, because someone else could look me in the face every morning for years saying the exact same things my SO is saying now - I love you and I want to marry you. And if someone could do that for years, maybe my SO is doing that now. I know it makes no sense given what I know about my SO to assume he's the same. I need help to translate what I know into what the fear centre of my brain is telling me. That's my problem.

And as a side note - I'm not mad my ex didn't want to marry me - if he had said after the first two years that he didn't want to I would have been very sad but understood. Not everyone is at the same point in their lives and sometimes the other person just isn't for you. It's that he said he did, for years, and was lying the whole time, that really, really, really bothers me. Saying 2-3 more years after being with someone for 5, and you're out of school and working and past 30? To me it was just him not wanting to be with me, not that he was on a different timeline.

**Haley53** · December 8, 2011, 11:35 AM

You have to have faith in the fact your SO is not like your ex, and that's easier said than done. Because faith isn't something you can logically acquire; it's very similar to hope in that mamner, or love, even. You can acquire trust through logic, but there are times our feelings are much stronger than what mere logical sorting can compensate for. In the end, we all have our demons, and though the weaker ones can be defeated with practical defense, some of our stronger, more powerful demons can seem immune even to logic, and this is where you're going to want/have to rely on internal knowing.

What I mean by this is don't think about your ex. Don't think about who your SO was as a friend. When you sit there, close your eyes about your SO, who he is as a person presently, and your relationship presently. The term "gut feeling," focus on your stomach. Pay attention to how it feels, what it's telling you. If you feel fears to start to creep in, I imagine the sensation in your stomach will change a little bit; recognise that feeling, and do what you can to push the fears out. Verbally banish the fears or tell them to go away if you have to. If they're persistent, then focus on something your SO has done or said that has made you feel particularly loved. Think about your first visit, the first time you met and held one another. The times he made you breakfast, the little things he did for you, get back on track with feeling the positive feelings and associations memories of him invoke. Then think again about your SO presently and your relationship presently. Slowly bring marriage into it it. See if you can detach from your doubts long enough to accept that you have them, but not to let them creep in so far as upsetting your stomach, and listen to what it's telling you. If you need music, candles, a bubble bath, something to help you meditate, then use it, but I am telling you that if you take some quiet time to sit and really listen to what you feel, you're going to get more of an answer than what you'll get here. Because logic can only go so far.

The thing with your ex is that it very much sounds like you already knew. Long before the relationship ended, you already knew. You wouldn't have pressed the issue of marriage if you didn't feel it needed to be there. You would not have taken such a hyperactive form of initiative if you trusted that he would follow through on what he was telling you. Perhaps the knowing was conscious, perhaps it wasn't, but your logical mind held onto what he was saying because even if they were lies, even if internally you knew something was off/wrong, because logic is something you can rationalise. You can take the most abusive partner and rationalise why it's okay, or why the relationship isn't unhealthy, it simply has issues that need to be worked out (I don't believe this, of course, but this is my point about rationalisation). This is where feeling - hope - and rational sort of act together, because hope wanted to believe that your ex wanted to marry you. But I bet you anything, had you looked inward, you would have had a lot more clarity than you did, and it's not easy to do. Trust me, it's not. :P Especially because your conscious mind can be so overwhelming and once it's stuck, it's stuck. Once you're stuck on a fear and using it as a way of protecting yourself, it's harder to get rid of because you will look for evidence that supports that fear. This is where your ego conflicts with your deeper knowing, and the thing about the ego is it's always going to argue cause it's always going to want to be right, even if it's dead wrong. :P

The thing is that you need to focus on how and what you feel presently, because no one can guarantee it will or won't work out. Like Moon said, there's even the chance that you won't want to get married to him!, however slim that possibility might seem. But what's important in the moment is to focus on whether or not he's worth taking the risk for, and I think that involves turning inward and looking to see if your doubts are warranted or if you truly feel how ridiculous they are in the pit of your gut and the core of your soul. When you reach that feeling, when you hit that point of knowing, and sometimes it can take some time and a few different trials to get it, then that is what you need to hold onto, because that is what's going to tell you the course that is right for you. Do not force something you do not feel is right with logic and reasons, but when it comes to something you know you want and should be doing and when you know something is worth the risk, don't push that away with logic and reason, either, or you're going to end up missing out on a world of unhappiness. The thing is that yes, there's the chance of being hurt, same as there was with your ex, but in life, there's always a chance. You simply have to find the risks worth taking.

**greensweatergirl** · December 8, 2011, 11:50 AM

thatgirlit-

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your post. So much of it resonated with me and you've given me a lot to think on.

Maybe I'll answer some of your questions first. Looking back on it, I think it was "ridiculously stupid" to have given my ex an ultimatum, even though its purpose was only to show that I wasn't going to be around forever. I would never want to marry someone who had agreed to marry me only because I issued a "Marry me or I walk" pronouncement. That's just asking for trouble.

I actually have lived abroad. I worked as an ESL teacher in Japan for three years until August of this year. Where are you living in Asia? Anyhow, I absolutely loved my time in Japan. I am addicted to traveling and I am completely baffled by people who have no desire to ever live in or at least visit other countries. If you don't, you die knowing one cultural mindset. I'm actually going back to school for publishing, with the goal of one day working on travel books and guides.

So the adventure of moving to England is fantastic. Canada is boring. You're completely right about tying the next two years to all the wonderful growing and experiences I'll have in a new country. I guess it's just hard to always feel that way, given that I'm a bit older now and feel like I should start putting the adventuring behind me and grow up a little.

What you said about the difference between closure and moving on really made me think. I'm still not sure how to get to the point of closure though. I'm still furious at my ex. Before I decided to end it, I considered not breaking up in Japan, but quietly bringing him back to Canada and leaving him the moment the plane touched down. Just so he would know how much it hurts to be screwed with. Then I realized I didn't want to be a horrible person, but part of me still wishes I had done that. Then maybe I wouldn't be so angry at him now. Maybe writing a letter out to him will help, though I wouldn't send it. I'll try that.

I was also really struck by what you said about insecurities. It's taken me till my late twenties to realize I don't believe in myself - at all. I did 10 years of swimming lessons and then didn't do the last course to become a lifeguard because I thought I was too weak and scrawny to do that. I only did a BA instead of my BAH because I was convinced that I didn't have enough smarts to write a thesis and everybody was more intelligent than me. I ran away to Japan because I was convinced I couldn't succeed in the "reality" of Canada. I don't bother trying to make many friends because I think most people find me boring and unloveable. Again, don't know how to fix this. Even the publishing course is a way to delay having to go and make it in the real world, because I know I can't. Hmmm. Hmmmmm.

My boyfriend is wonderful about telling me every day that he believes in me, but I don't want to burden him with the responsibility of giving me my self esteem. Maybe there's little tiny goals I can make that I can go out and achieve. Instead of the goal of "be successful".

Anyhow, I just want to thank you again for your post. It really was invaluable. I haven't really talked to anyone except my SO about this, and I try to avoid doing that because he doesn't need that from his girlfriend. Merci. And good luck in France.

**thatgirllit** · December 8, 2011, 12:36 PM

I am glad it resonated with you a bit...again, it helped me to reaffirm how I felt about this issue as I typed it.

Your explanation of how you felt about your ultimatum sounds emotionally mature. I really think you are giving yourself a lot harder time than you deserve about the way you acted in this past relationship.

"Where are you living in Asia?" China. It has been a growing experience, and while I have met some amazing people, I don't really like Chinese culture. (That was also big for me...learning that it's okay not to like a culture...as long as you engage it with an open mind.) I do like Japanese culture and will be there (and in Korea) for a couple of weeks in January. People really don't understand how diverse and distinctively different Asian cultures are...

"I am addicted to traveling and I am completely baffled by people who have no desire to ever live in or at least visit other countries." A woman after my own heart...so much more to say, but it will take me way off topic...

"I'm actually going back to school for publishing..."

We have this in common. I write. I would not say that I am a "writer" as I have yet to be paid for my own creative work...and since being paid for your work continues to define "professional"...

The writing in your first post makes more sense...

"I guess it's just hard to always feel that way, given that I'm a bit older now and feel like I should start putting the adventuring behind me and grow up a little." I posted a thread a couple of days ago about things to know by 25ish... I think we (as a society) should stop focusing on the "up" and start focusing more on the "grow." It seems like you already have the hang of the "grow" part. Don't allow what others think you should be doing at any one point in your life to dictate what you want to do or your happiness. LIVE!

"Maybe writing a letter out to him will help, though I wouldn't send it. I'll try that." This is an excellent idea and I would highly recommend that you write this letter. I have written letters that I would never send countless times and I have ALWAYS felt better afterward. It may not be complete closure, but it moves negative energy away from you.

"It's taken me till my late twenties to realize I don't believe in myself - at all." 1) See what I wrote above about not letting the outside world dictate how you should live your life. 2) I am glad that you are aware of this disposition. Now that you are aware, you need to make changes. One difference I have noticed between women and men is that as women we tell ourselves "no" or we can't do it or we are not qualified before anyone else. Men, in contrast, seldom do. The world might be better of if some of them did (George W. Bush before he ran for office), but they don't. No can believe in you or support you until you believe in and support yourself. You are right, it's not your boyfriends responsibility to be your self-esteem...it's not beneficial to you and it would be draining for him. If it take baby steps or baby successes then by all means do it! But the only way there can even be "success," baby success or not, is for you to start believing in yourself and taking risk.

When I read your second post, so much of what you said resonated with me. I have always described myself as risk aversive. However, I have come to realize that the only people who really end up being happy in life are people who took chances to get what they want. There are a lot of other people that are content...comfortable...and safe. I don't want to be one of those people...I don't want to be content...I want to be happy.

**Mara** · December 8, 2011, 12:42 PM

I think sometimes in order to overcome our fears we have to face them.

I know it hurts what your ex did to you, but you need to forgive him and not only move on, but accept what happened. Yes, it was awful, yes it was wrong, and yes, I'm sure you wish you could go back and get those years of your life back, but it's done. There's nothing you can do. Hindsight is always 20/20. Be glad you didn't end up married to a man that would just say anything to keep you because that's what he did.

Comparing your SO to your ex is like comparing apples to oranges. They may seem similar at first, but they are two totally different individuals. And even if your SO does do something that may mean the end of your relationship [i.e. refusing to marry you etc] you will survive. I know it may not seem like it, but you will. It won't destroy you just like your ex didn't destroy you and you'll be a better, wiser person for it. But I think deep down you know this guy is it. You know that this is going to work, you're just scared and honestly, we all get scared, you just can't let your fear control or overcome you.

**greensweatergirl** · December 9, 2011, 10:53 AM

Eclaire -

I never, ever, ever pressed the issue of marriage with my ex. I brought it up maybe once every 6 months, and then only to check that he was still aware that I wasn't going to be a live-in girlfriend for the rest of his life. The reason I put a limit on it was because he was the most laid back person I'd ever met, we're talking California surfer dude levels. The man's dream is to own a tiki bar with a dancing parrot. I never believed till the very end, when it was evident that he had no money saved, that he would let me go. I "knew" he loved me enough to marry me.

I think in this case, it would actually have been using my logical mind that would have helped me. If it had bothered to look at the evidence for one moment - that my ex had a nasty temper, that he ignored me when his friends were around, that he constantly made me feel terrible for not being a social butterfly - I could have rationalized that these were not the actions of a boyfriend worth having, and I should leave. It took him trying to choke me and disappearing on my birthday to start rationalizing. And it still took 5 months, because my heart said I shouldn't toss a 5 year relationship away so lightly and I should try to make myself fall back in love.

It's for this reason I don't feel completely comfortable trusting my gut, as you say. My gut says my boyfriend is perfect for me. It definitely says go to England. It says my SO is a wonderful person, and that even if things went bust he would make sure to do everything he could to make sure there was a smooth transition back to Canada for me. But my gut has made some poor choices in the past, so trusting it is unreliable. I'm not saying I should discount what it tells me entirely, but I dislike basing a decision completely on gut feelings. I wish I could, as so many people do, take things on faith. Maybe it's the rigorous training in psychology or the statistician of a father who thought explaining response bias to a 4 year old child was normal, but I highly dislike operating on faith. I'd rather consider the evidence of what I know of my boyfriend when I try to address the fears I have. And the evidence is in - he is the best person I know, his actions indicate he loves me very much, or at least cares for me very much. The gut has weighed in with the same verdict too. And those thoughts are partly based on what's happened partly in the past. I don't understand how I'm supposed to think of him without considering the past 2 years.

Perhaps learning to acquire "faith" is what I need to do. Because if I go on reason alone, I have to accept that the past indicates I will not succeed as much as I hope to. But that's a whole other project, and one that would take a lot of time.

I guess what I'm left with being confused. My rational mind says this is right, my heart says this is right, so why am I scared? I don't know.

I think perhaps the most helpful thing you have said is asking myself whether he is worth taking a risk on. When you take a risk you're not expected to do it fearlessly. I can factor my feelings into taking a risk and I can factor in what I logically know. And all things considered, he is a great risk to take. He's the horse to bet on. Maybe I need to realize the fear isn't going to go away, and that all I can do is take the best "leap of faith" based on what I know.

thatgirllit -

I didn't really like China's culture either when I visited. I found that a lot of people had a sort of dog-eat-dog mentality there, and I often felt like people saw me simply as a way to make money. I went to Shanghai and Beijing, and people tell me that the rural areas of China are very different, but it's not a place I'd visit again. A lot of my Japanese friends told me about how terrible a place China was before I left, how rude the people were, and I chalked it up to racism. I was very surprised to find I agreed with them, which made me sad. It's the only country I've ever visited where I felt I became more prejudiced, which is really sad.

Anyway, I hope you have a great time in Japan! I think people there are very kind, and I think there's a lot of wonderful things to do and see. Where will you be going in Japan?

As for your writing? What kind of things are you working on? I actually don't want to be a writer, I think having a blank sheet of paper in front of me with the knowledge I have to fill it is absolutely terrifying. Ideally I'd like to be an editor, but I'm not sure if my grammar skills are strong enough for that. I'm going to take a lot of different courses and see if and where I'd best fit into the publishing world.

I agree with you completely about risk taking, I just get more nervous each time I take one because I feel like I should have taken the risk that landed me in that happy, safe spot by now. When I came back to Canada I was suddenly hit by the most overwhelming feeling that I should have figured life out by now. But then I look at my parents who are the poster children for secure but only content, and I want to run away again.

What you said about the differences in confidence between men and women really took me aback, because it's exactly what my boyfriend said the other day! He seems to think I'm the best thing since sliced bread and that I've achieved a lot, so I asked him why he thinks I might not have the most self esteem in the world. And he said that he thinks men and expected to have confidence and are given more opportunities to develop it, because society by in large thinks that they will go out and do things. Whereas he thinks a lot of the time there's a "let me do that, let me help you" attitude towards women, so they don't have as many chances to do it, not as many chances to see themselves succeeding, or succeeding purely on their own merit, so they don't end up building as much confidence as men might. It was interesting to hear that out of the mouth of a guy.

Yay! It's so nice to meet someone who sees eye to eye with me!

Mara -

Well, I wouldn't exactly describe those years as wasted nor would I take them back, but I do agree with you that I'm glad I am no longer with him.

I laughed when I read that my ex and my current boyfriend were similar! They are and always have been incredibly different. Party surfer dude and thoughtful book reader. I don't know deep down this will work out, hence the fear, but I do know it's got everything going for it that could possibly make it a success. I guess I'll just have to live with the fear.

**Haley53** · December 9, 2011, 04:51 PM

I'm also in psychology and I can't say it's ever destroyed my faith. :P Though you and I seem to have a different definition of "gut feeling."

t took him trying to choke me and disappearing on my birthday to start rationalizing. And it still took 5 months, because my heart said I shouldn't toss a 5 year relationship away so lightly and I should try to make myself fall back in love.

It's for this reason I don't feel completely comfortable trusting my gut, as you say

See, I don't consider a heart-driven decision following a gut feeling at all. Simply wanted to clarify that I'm talking about gut decisions and what you truly know, in your heart of hearts, not what's love-blind or heart-decided. :P

But I wish you the best of luck in taking this risk, and to be honest, it sounds like one worth taking, simply because however it pans out, you can't really lose. You're still gaining a world's worth from this; your SO is simply a wonderful bonus. :P

I'm not sure how to go about conquering the fear. Sometimes you don't get over the fear of something until you take the leap and trust the safety net to catch you.

**Alemap** · December 9, 2011, 10:43 PM

I don't think it's unreasonable to give a partner a deadline when you want your lives together to have moved forward in a mutually agreed fashion by; I don't see, "Okay, well, we've been together two and a half years, you know I want to marry and say you do, too, so let's make that happen before our fifth anniversary. If it doesn't, then I guess we'll know we're not going anywhere." as being an ultimatum so much as just a stated timeframe in which you were willing to wait for progress that your ex knew you wanted, and had given you reason to believe he felt the same.
It isn't in any way unreasonable, either, to leave a relationship that isn't moving where you want your lovelife to go, especially after such a reasonable time period.

The thing is, loving and especially living with anyone is a risk; there is a risk they could have false intentions, or there is a risk their longterm intentions could be honourable, but that they may eventually change their mind in the meantime. There's no way to be sure that won't happen. But your boyfriend is willing to marry you now to help you feel secure, and I'd say that speaks as highly for his commitment to you and your relationship as anything possibly could. It's true that there is no way to control what happens once you're over there, or know the future for sure, but I'd say he's given you as much proof as humanly possible that he's in it for the long haul, and now it's up to you to decide whether you can let go of some of your anxiety and learn to trust in whatever the greater Plan has in store for you.
You may benefit from talking privately to a relationship counsellor, to help you work through your concerns. You may also benefit from considering whether you're ready to make this move, yet; it may be that you need to do a little more work on your own issues of this nature before you'll be ready to make the huge commitment that is moving internationally to live with your boyfriend.
I have some empathy for how you're feeling, because I have also had a major romantic disappointment that has left me with baggage and, in my case, intimacy issues that I am still dealing with to try to make my relationship with my lovely current beau work, and I know how hard it can be when all you want to do is protect yourself from getting hurt again.
*hugs*
I wish you the wisdom to know yourself, what you need and what you're ready for, the courage to act on it, and the luck that it will all work out for the best, in the end.
I hope for the best for you and your beloved, whatever you decide.

P.S. You sound like a very patient, loving and reasonable partner. People with those attributes are rarer than one might first think, on the dating scene. If I was your beau, I'd want to marry you to make sure you couldn't get away!

**Kristin91** · December 9, 2011, 10:43 PM

Past relationships are hard to move on from mentally, especially if that past relationship was not a healthy relationship. I speak from experience, as my ex was emotionally abusive. My current boyfriend and I have been together for over a year at this point, and I have finally started to separate the ideas from my previous relationship and my current one.

Throughout our relationship I have had some huge insecurities. Little things that my SO have said and things that we have done together have triggered memories, which result in my randomly bursting out in tears. However, we've worked through them slowly, together... making sure to communicate at every possible point.

Because of this, and because I can feel that he really is a different kind of person than my ex, I have slowly gotten over the negative feelings about myself.

It will happen for you too! You just have to give it time. Be patient with yourself, and let yourself change for the better! If you ever need to talk just PM me!

**thatgirllit** · December 10, 2011, 04:01 AM

Originally posted by greensweatergirl View Post

thatgirllit -

I didn't really like China's culture either when I visited. I found that a lot of people had a sort of dog-eat-dog mentality there, and I often felt like people saw me simply as a way to make money. I went to Shanghai and Beijing, and people tell me that the rural areas of China are very different, but it's not a place I'd visit again. A lot of my Japanese friends told me about how terrible a place China was before I left, how rude the people were, and I chalked it up to racism. I was very surprised to find I agreed with them, which made me sad. It's the only country I've ever visited where I felt I became more prejudiced, which is really sad.

Anyway, I hope you have a great time in Japan! I think people there are very kind, and I think there's a lot of wonderful things to do and see. Where will you be going in Japan?

As for your writing? What kind of things are you working on? I actually don't want to be a writer, I think having a blank sheet of paper in front of me with the knowledge I have to fill it is absolutely terrifying. Ideally I'd like to be an editor, but I'm not sure if my grammar skills are strong enough for that. I'm going to take a lot of different courses and see if and where I'd best fit into the publishing world.

I agree with you completely about risk taking, I just get more nervous each time I take one because I feel like I should have taken the risk that landed me in that happy, safe spot by now. When I came back to Canada I was suddenly hit by the most overwhelming feeling that I should have figured life out by now. But then I look at my parents who are the poster children for secure but only content, and I want to run away again.

What you said about the differences in confidence between men and women really took me aback, because it's exactly what my boyfriend said the other day! He seems to think I'm the best thing since sliced bread and that I've achieved a lot, so I asked him why he thinks I might not have the most self esteem in the world. And he said that he thinks men and expected to have confidence and are given more opportunities to develop it, because society by in large thinks that they will go out and do things. Whereas he thinks a lot of the time there's a "let me do that, let me help you" attitude towards women, so they don't have as many chances to do it, not as many chances to see themselves succeeding, or succeeding purely on their own merit, so they don't end up building as much confidence as men might. It was interesting to hear that out of the mouth of a guy.

Yay! It's so nice to meet someone who sees eye to eye with me!

WOW. I feel like you jacked my blog article. This is EXACTLY how I feel. EXACTLY. Being a well educated and "cultured" American raised in the North East, I have always appreciated and respected other cultures. During my time here I have constantly tried to "check" myself to make sure that I am keeping an open mind, but after seven months and talking to many other foreigners (as well as some Chinese) I have come to realize that "it's not me."

He's a keeper.

I will be traveling with a Taiwanese friend for the month of January and we will be visiting a lot of countries, but staying in Japan the longest. I know we will be going to Tokyo, but I don't know where else...suggestions?

As for writing...I have a lot of creative projects in the works, but have not had the time to complete one to a degree where I would feel comfortable submitting it. Hopefully, my return to the States will give me more time to pursue these projects. The writing I get paid for is for academic papers and journals...doesn't really count

**greensweatergirl** · December 10, 2011, 10:20 AM

Eclaire -

I guess we do have different definitions. I suppose I would define "gut feeling" as doing what I think best based on things that aren't purely rational, but I wouldn't describe that as what I "truly know". I don't peel back the layers of the onion, the feelings and the thoughts and whatever else to arrive at my heart of hearts, or certainty. My gut favors one decision over the other. It knows how I feel about things, but my gut stops at the edges of my own skin, it doesn't speak for the world. It doesn't know whether a decision is perfect or whether my boyfriend deep down really loves me. It strongly suspects he does, but it would never presume to "know".

I'm a little surprised you're in psychology and you can take things on faith, because I think psychology trains you, if nothing else, to view the world but realize hunches don't equate knowing. That you should pretty much never accept any piece of information unless there's been a double-blind experiment done first.

Alemap -

Thank you for acknowledging how I handled the whole marriage thing during my 5 year relationship. I figured that people would think I was surreptitiously leaving wedding magazines around the apartment for my boyfriend to see, or leaving my computer open on engagement ring sites, and that wasn't the case.

I actually dislike myself because I bring it up with my current boyfriend all the time, but it's not because I want to get married right now. I think he would describe me as marriage crazy and I hate knowing that. I talk about it all the time because I want to know he's on the same page as me, and I'm so scared of history repeating itself.

You're right, he has done as much as humanly possible to show me he's in it for the long haul and a loving partner. There actually is nothing else he could do to prove to me that he is awesome. Now is the right time to go too if I'm going to go. My plans here for school fell through (awful school, awful program), my job fell through (it was tied to being a full time student at the school, and they never gave me the hours promised anyway), and my 4 months of savings from working in Japan are gone at the end of this month. Plus the publishing program I looked into is luckily, happily, perfectly, doable from abroad. It's the choice of starting up a life here or there, not leaving a life. The best choice by far is to go to England. It's only the thought of leaving everything I build over there because of the very unlikely possibility my boyfriend and I don't work out that petrifies me, not of what I'm giving up now (there is nothing to give up).

Thank you for all your very sweet compliments as well. I assure you any good qualities I have as a romantic partner are negated by my aversion to housework and extreme laziness.

Kristin -

It's nice to hear that you're working on your insecurities with your partner. I think you're onto something when you say that as time passes and you work on issues together, you are able to separate your current and past partners better. I feel the more I see my boyfriend do for me, and the longer he continues to do it, the more comfortable I become.

My boyfriend said once that I need to stop seeing myself alone against the world and that I should lean on him during my current, fairly rough period of life. He says we're a team now and I don't have to always to be strong, that he can do most of the carrying for a while. Maybe I should listen to him.

thatgirllit -

I sympathize with the whole North American attitude of keeping an open mind about other cultures. The whole, we're all equal in our different ways. I hardly ever mention how I truly feel about multiculturalism, because I find it's a very unpopular opinion here, but I think "we're all equal in different ways" is an untenable position to hold. No. Actually, I think how your culture treats women is wrong. I think you are completely incorrect about this issue, and I do not respect this "equal but different" cultural view. On the flip side, I guess I can recognize when a culture other than mine does something better (the sense of community that exists in Japan springs to mind), but I can't get to that because I'm already pegged as a racist. A lot of people in China were very rude, and I didn't like it, and people in Japan are much nicer and this is better. Full stop. Whoops, sorry, off topic.

Japan then. It's hard to give you suggestions because I'm not sure what kind of things you like to do, but I can definitely tell you what I liked. Keep in mind I like smaller places, I like walking, and I'm a massive geek. I also lived in Osaka, so I know that area best.

1. I really enjoy hiking, and the most interesting (and creepiest!) hike I did was along an abandoned railroad track in a place called Takedao. It's a very strange walk because you go through old tunnels (bring a flashlight!) and walk over tracks that are covered in weeds and haven't been used in decades.

2. Nara City. I don't know why, I just really like this place. For reasons I don't understand (a common occurrence in Japan), they have deer wandering through city parks and you can feed them. It's close to a lot of really nice temples (Todaiji was one of my favourites, you can crawl through Buddha's nostril, don't ask) and you can also do a day long bike ride on the longest road in Japan. If you're going to do it though, bring a GPS, unless you read Japanese. The signage is beyond awful, and I only am not dead in a rice field now because a Japanese couple came by and showed us the way out. But it's a lovely bike ride, if you're willing to brave the cold.

3. Arashiyama - Also another little place I liked. They have a monkey park at the top of a mountain. They have fancy tofu restaurants in town and everyone seems to go there to relax, so the atmosphere is lovely.

4. Miyajma Island - They have a tori gate that you can walk to when the tide comes out, but becomes half submerged when the tide comes back in. More deer, more hiking.

5. Nagano - This might be a little more appropriate since you'll be going there in the winter. They have so many great skiing mountains in this area (Iwatake was my favourite, it has very flat areas at the top so you have your pick of jaw dropping vistas. It's like the end of Sound of Music. Except with snow. And Japanese people.) A lot of ski shops and mountains also sell discounted tickets, so it's not too too bad price wise.

6. Dotonbori bridge and karaoke in Osaka - Sometimes I just hung around this place because of its sheer ridiculousness. As soon as it gets dark the place is flooded with "host boys". Host boys are young men who basically accost young Japanese girls, tell them they are beautiful, and then somehow convince these girls to give them huge sums of money. They use the money to continue purchasing designer suits and to pay for their 1980s David Bowie hair, presumably to impress future girls who come to Dotonbori bridge. There are lots of good karaoke places to go to in this area - drink as many watered down Chu-his (girly alchoholic beverages) as you like and sing until the sun comes up.

7. Beppu. This is a city in Kyushu so it may be a little far, but it's worth seeing because it's such a strange, strange place. When you get there, you're tempted to poke the nearest local and ask "Um, excuse me sir, but are you aware that your city is on fire?". I don't remember exactly how it works, but the city is on a bubbling pit of sulphur or something, so there's all these cracks in the earth where steam is being released. And Japan has made parks overtop the 8 worst affected areas, the "8 Circles of Hell", where you can have hot foot baths from the steam and eat boiled eggs cooked over, you guessed it, the steam. Weird, weird, weird place.

8. Festivals - I'm not sure when you're going, but if you're there on virtually any holiday, there will be a street festival. Street stalls with Japanese food (I recommend trying okonomiyaki, yum, yum), games, throwing coins at temples, and just being in a happy place.

9. Sumo - Again, not sure exactly when you're going, but the majority of the tournaments happen in Tokyo, so you may get lucky. I spent hour after hour laughing as I watched two fully grown men slam into each other and fall on top of the judges who sit (to my complete bafflement) at the outer edges of the ring, where they are quite often squashed. It's great because you can bring in your own food and drink, and by the last few rounds the crowd goes mental. I had such a great time watching this because I find most Japanese people are quite reserved in public, but suddenly there's a crowd of sweet little housewives brandishing their cushions, cat calling as their sumo heroes take the stage. Great fun.

Hope that gives you a few ideas! I sort of miss Japan now.

**floridaellen** · December 10, 2011, 11:00 AM

I'm very jealous that you got to work in Japan! I took Japanese in high school for two years and have always wanted to go there. Unfortunately, my college only offers study abroad to Japan for business and Japanese language majors. I was upset when I found that out, although I still love my school.

I think the way you are handling this is very mature. I also have issues separating my SO from my ex in my head, even though my ex was not abusive in any way; it just didn't work out. I think it's completely normal to bring information that you've learned from the past into a new relationship. It's just your heart shielding itself from getting hurt again, if that makes any sense.

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