Inadequacy

[Zapookie]

Hi everyone

I had a thought earlier about something in my relationship and I wanted to ask if anyone has ever felt/is feeling the same.

I often feel like I don't measure up to my SO's ex.

We were friends when he started seeing her and he used to tell me a lot of stuff in regards to her and their relationship. At the time my feelings for him were not fully fledged so I didn't care a whole lot. I am not a jealous person, so I never told him I didn't want to hear about her, but hearing it at the same time made me feel weird. The only time it ever hurt me was when he spent so much time with her and forgot about me.

He then stopped calling her his girlfriend and started calling her his emotional companion (if someone knows the definition of this, please let me know because I've tried looking it up but got nothing). He told me that he couldn't see himself with her for much longer, said he couldn't push his feelings for her further beyond "like" and held off breaking up with her for a while to spare her feelings. Towards the end of their relationship, is when we started to get a little closer. I used to ask him, what about your girlfriend? He would say that she wasn't his girlfriend and that he was too much of a flirt to ever be in a relationship.

And now here we are.

I thought I had gotten over my feelings on that but now that we've come so far in our relationship and we're committed, all these feelings are coming back to me and I feel insecure at times. I always wonder whether I did this better or do that better than her. And she's really pretty which doesn't really help.

Another thing is that sometimes I go on her Facebook profile (we're not friends on there, but my SO still is). I see pages she's liked that talk about ex's, one of them being: "Your ex has a new girlfriend!" "It's totally okay, she's ugly." and "Aww! Your dating my ex? I am eating pizza, you want those leftovers too?".

I know I'm probably being petty. I know Facebook is really dumb sometimes, this case being one of them. I feel like she's taking a stab at me though, even though she probably isn't and couldn't give two flying flips. She knows my tumblr page and I think she reads it sometimes.

I feel like I'm letting her win by letting her get to me, and I only came to this realisation tonight after someone pointed it out. I realise I'm being petty over some girl I've never met before.... but she's had a piece of my soul mate.

I don't know.. I'm just very confused and I get these conflicting feelings every day. I think about him being with her and I feel like I'm not special enough. This is my first relationship, and he was pretty much my first everything. And I feel like he could so easily lose his feelings for me like he did for her. I try to hold all of this stuff in because I don't want to start any dramas with us and I don't want to make him feel bad, and I feel dumb talking about it to my friends. My SO will probably end up reading this anyway.

I just wanted to hear from anyone who has dealt with similar feelings or been in my situation before. How did you handle it? Was there anything that helped you to overcome the way you were feeling? What should I do to help myself? Feel free to share your experiences here too. I would love some insight or a different perspective.

[Haley53]

-rp-'ing this because I don't have time at the moment to respond, but I'll be back when I can. <3

[Mara]

Stop going on her Facebook profile for one. Try to stop thinking about her at all if you can help it. She's unimportant. A piece of his past that he left behind. We all have pasts. Even if he's your first everything, I'm sure there was someone else you liked or cared for in the past. It doesn't take away from how you feel about him though or how he feels about you. He's not with her for a reason. He's with you for a reason as well. Don't let your insecurities get to you. And sometimes talking to your SO helps.

[NaNi]

Google "retroactive jealousy". It applies to me. I love making myself miserable by stalking my SO's ex on Facebook - looking at pictures of them together or reading old conversations. I shouldn't do it. It's not healthy. But sometimes I can't help it. I'm not worried that she's gonna get back together with him - hell no! - but I guess I just would've liked to be her first kiss and such. She says her first kiss wasn't important, but that's the thing... I know that if she had shared her first kiss with me it would've been special for her. Nothing I can change about it now, though. Pop me a message if you ever feel like talking.

[Joyce:)]

Darling, i totally understand where you are coming from.
My SO's ex is absolutely gorgeous, they dated for like only 6 months but she was the first one he had ever fallen in love with (well he says it doesn't compare to how he feels for me, but at the time she was REALLY important). When they broke up he was heartbroken, he told me how he felt awful for months and would just want to stay in bed and not leave his room while sulking on his miseries. Now he's still angry at her for how things ended, and although in a way i'm glad they are not friends, on the other i wish he was indifferent to her, because "hate" is such a strong feeling to have towards someone. I told him it's a good thing they broke up, just like it was good that i broke up with my not too nice ex, because then we ended up together.
oh and yes, i've seen her facebook pages a few times.
I get why you feel like this, sometimes you don't understand why you are better than the others, and you feel threatened with no reason. there is a reason why he is dating you,despite distance and all. i don't think i can really tell you anything that you don't know, she may be pretty, but i'm quite sure you are beautiful too, and regardless what qualities you think she might have, your SO clearly prefers yours.

[Sierra]

I feel inadequate in my relationship at times. Basically retroactive jealousy. I choose not to ask my boyfriend about his exes, especially the ones he was particularly fond of because I don't feel like I can live up to them.

I feel like because their relationship was close distance and ours is long distance, it must seem like so much more of a struggle for him and that makes me feel badly. I feel like I'm not pretty enough, or that I'm not someone he could actually be proud of, but I've started to remind myself every day "this man loves ME, he's chosen ME and wants to be with ME" and it makes me not feel as badly.

I really recommend stop checking the ex girlfriends Facebook page. Don't let her get you down, you're better than that. Just remember, he's with you, not her.

[Haley53]

I feel like my story would take up quite some time - there's a long, complicated history - so I will simply say that yes, I have felt this way, and yes, I have spoken to my partner about it. His reassurances have helped to an extent but I still can't say that her presence is comforting or even tolerable. I, like you, was there through the history of and the complete ending of their relationship, and it can sometimes be hard to forget that history, things said and done within that time, etc. It can be hard to forget the parts that involve me and those that don't. :/ So yes, I have felt this way.

What I had to do was learn to get her out of my head. Because I was giving her way too much power, and still occasionally do, though these days, it's much rarer, and she didn't deserve it. What helped immensely was blocking her on Facebook. Because I'll admit that I don't have self-control to not want to stalk what she's posting and saying on my partner's wall, not to mention her FB profile is public... So I blocked her. Facebook itself didn't always help, because a picture she and he both commented on showed up in my feed and of course of all pictures FB randomly decides to show me, it's one she commented on, and I couldn't even see the comment (it said there were a total of 3 comments, and I only saw 2). -_- But she has, to this day, remained blocked. And it's helped keep her out of my conscious mind and from seeing her stupid face () on my partner's wall.

The next step was to come up with some self-affirming statements. What are some things my partner has said that I could use to help me feel more comfortable? Things that he's honest with me, that he does not want to be with her, that she is in no way a threat (I think he's baffled by the fact I see her as such), etc. These are things that I need to use to counter my thoughts when I have them. If the thought/feeling about her is persistently negative, I'll write it down in whatever way I need to and then shred it, unless it's a creative piece I actually like. :P But then once the feelings are out (sometimes I'll vent to a friend), I go through the reasons of why I'm being irrational and the reasons why I need to not let my insecurities run away with me.

I did also see someone for help with some subconscious work, but it was everything together that really helped push her from the forefront of mind. Sure, if something triggers the insecurity, I still feel it, but I'm much better equipped to deal with it and feel much better about it. If it helps, write the statements on sticky notes and pin them on a mirror, so you're not reading/using them only when you think about his ex, but when you start your morning. I would also have you both come up with a list of positive attributes about you. So what if she's pretty? My partner's ex is pretty too, but I don't feel inferior to her because I know my partner sees me as beautiful and I honestly find myself more attractive. That's come with work/changing my mindset around also. But posting up those positive attributes of yourself and having those in combination with his affirmations that he loves you and is with you, along with blocking her out of your life completely if you can't have self-control not to go on her Facebook, will redirect the focus to the person it should be on: you.

[HollzHeartsChris]

I just block all my ex's out. My SO's ex...we don't talk about him. Yes, him. I just ignore it. I don't wanna look at anyone's ex and compare myself to them 'cause I think it's just silly but that's only my opinion Easiest way to deal with it is just block whoever it is and forget about them. You are your own person, and you shouldn't really feel the need to compare yourself to an ex boyfriend/girlfriend. Just be yourself and enjoy being yourself =)

[Malaga]

I totally understand, and I feel retroactively jealous at times. My SO had only one girlfriend before me, but they were together for over 4 years, living together and planning to settle down. She hurt him and they broke up. He took his time to get over her and I do believe he truly is. He has no bitter feelings for her, but he's generally not in touch with her - they're not FB friends, nor do they ever catch up or anything.

But his friends are still FB friends with her (they all grew up in a small town together) and yes I have stalked her too. Some morbid curiosity made me dig through his friends' archives and I saw pics and videos of them together (my SO had them all removed from his profile). Thankfully nothing too lovey-dovey, but his body language looked so familiar.

And ever since that I find myself wondering sometimes, oh I wonder. If what he feels for me is less intense than how he felt for her? Are his feelings for me a copy of the feelings he had for her? Am I more special than she was - or was she more special than I am?

It's a very possessive way of thinking and in no way fair to him. After all, I have more of a past than him, and he's never felt threatened by it. He's also never given me a reason to think I was in any way less special than she was, and in the beginning of the relationship he's told me about how he's never felt like that before. But yes, I do still think about it. I wish I could cover every trace she left in him with my trace, and that I could reach every part of him she's ever reached.

Thoughts like that are going to appear from time to time, and I accepted it. But I also decided those doubts aren't going to ruin the relationship we have now. I'm not going to stalk her again, and instead of thinking about what they had I'm going to block it out and focus on what we have, and how to make it even more special. Got to be proactive

[LilyChiba]

Yeah I feel it to be honest, now more than ever though. My SO's ex started to become a presence in his life again about 2 months ago and they were LDR too. It's hard to watch them talking and such, specially since she cheated on him and is the one that seems to be making subtle moves. Sure, she's married with a kid (I think with the guy she cheated on my SO with), but there have been subtle things she has done to say she's not entirely over him. Things like constantly treating him the way she did when they were together, in front of me as well. She just recently moved back to his state (something she didn't do when they were together) right after they got in contact. And worst of all, I just found out last night she still has his address in her gps in the car. Like wtf? So I'm constantly trying to be better than her, because I want him to feel he is treated for what he is worth. I have that inkling that neither of them completely got closure, because he still wants to smack her husband for doing what he did. Either way, always thinking that I have to be better than her to keep him.. weird feeling really.

[Alemap]

You're with him, and she's not. If he wanted to be with her, he would be.
Let it go. So his ex was gorgeous - you think more gorgeous than you; so what? It can't have meant that much in the end, or he'd still be with her (if he left her) or chasing her (if she left him). He obviously feels you more than measure up, and maybe you should take your cue from him, in that regard.
It's possible she's having a go. Also possible she wasn't even thinking about you, and just thought it was funny. But either way, she's now irrelevant in his life, and should be in yours, too.

[Zapookie]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

I slept on it and decided that I'm going to shift my focus from being in the past to us now. I've always loved those quotes that talk about forgetting the past so you can move on into the future; I think I should actually take the advice now. I also decided that from today I'm going to not be such a weeny and stop tearing myself down and doing stupid self-destructive things like reading old chat logs -_-

I did talk to him about this briefly the other day but he didn't really want to talk about it for long. He found it funny and laughed, and told me that I was better than her in every way possible. This does make me feel a little better but then it makes me feel bad for her :S. When they were seeing each other I felt bad for her because he'd tell me how he wasn't sure of her and still wanted to be free to date around. I'd tell him to let her down now to save her more hurt in the long run.

I used to tell myself I could never date a man who could just so easily use someone like that. But then he did change.. he changed for me. I saw his change and was proud of him.. but I can't help but feel sometimes that he might feel that way about me one day and then he'll get tired and want to date around. Especially with us being so far away from each other. She had the luxury of being able to visit him any time. I think that's also another factor in my head.

[Alemap]

It's entirely possible for people to be either good or bad depending on the relationship they're in.
It sounds to me as if being with you brings out the good in your boyfriend. Of course, you should keep your eyes open - behaviour like that he has shown previously can indicate a pattern - but don't just like you shouldn't fix what's not broken, don't stress about what might go wrong in the future if it's not wrong now. Enjoy your proud place as his only girl, look after your heart, and try to relax.

[Imhereforyou]

(edit for graphic content)
ps. I LOVE YOUUUUUUU