Difficult Situation.

[jumpstartzoe]

Hey guys! So I'm in a really difficult situation right and it'd be really nice to get feedback/talk to some people about it.

Okay, so my boyfriend and I had been dating for 6 months before he left the country to do a cultural immersion program that he applied to before he met me. For those 6 months, it sort of defined our relationship in many ways, since we both knew it was coming, but we still had an incredible time together and fell deeply in love.

The first few months of being long distance have been very hard, and while I knew they would be, I didn't think it would be this bad. Basically, he's been on an emotional roller coaster and I've been brought along with him. He was very happy at first, which was difficult for me, so once he started getting sick and depressed I almost felt a little better. He started saying that he wanted to come home and be with me, and that was all I wanted, too.

So for a month he was talking about coming home, but his parents were really against it. He's never been able to really fight back or do anything about his problems, so he basically accepted that, yet he was still telling me he was going to come back.

Now he's pretty happy again. Off of his roller coaster, but I'm still on it. I just wish I enough for him to come home. A part of me hates him for getting my hopes up, for leaving me, for being happy in a place where I am not. He tells me I'm his world and that he would do anything for me, but I guess that's not truly the case.

He never sends me letters of presents. All we do is Skype and Facebook chat and that's basically the extent of our relationship. I don't feel satisfied and I've tried breaking up with him, but how can you break up with someone who you care for so deeply? He still has 6 months left of his exchange, and I can't decide if I want to wait for him. It seems pretty hopeless. We'll have the summer once he gets back, and then we're off to different colleges hours away from each other. I feel like with most of the things I read on here, the reasons for couples not being together have to do with things out of their control, yet this is totally in his hands. He can come back if he wants to, but he's not. I'm powerless because I'm not the one who left.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Zephii]

You're both young. You need to be strong enough to let him have this opportunity. He'd be throwing away a great learning experience if he came home for you. I think his parents have the right of it. Besides that, if he did gone home he might regret that or even start resenting you for it. Sometimes in our relationships we need to be able to be selfless and nurture our partners, even when the situation is not ideal for us.

This was set in place before you came on the scene. You are pretty powerless about it. College hasn't happened yet though, and you might not be as powerless there. Is it too late to have the "I don't want to be long distance, let's compromise for each other" talk? Because in your situation that's what I'd be focuing on - staying strong through this distance, and them making sure I never had to do it again.

Carrots xx

[Haley53]

Personally, I feel it's extremely unfair to expect him to "do something" about his situation, to drop everything and come home, and I don't feel it's fair on you for you to start saying it boils down to that you're "not enough." For one, you say he applied to this program before he even met you, which means it's something he wanted to do without you being a part of the bigger picture. For another, this is an opportunity of a lifetime; not many people get to go abroad doing cultural immersion programs, and not everyone gets the chance to study abroad. Yes, it's hard. Yes, you miss your partner. Yes, a part of you wants to come home, but what's wrong with being happy? It says nothing about how he feels for you or whether or not he misses you at all. It says more that he's doing the right thing by staying. He's doing the right thing by living his own life and doing what he wants to do, and quite frankly, I'd worry if he did drop it, because dropping everything for your partner is a lot of the time where resentment starts. And I think it's unfair to sit there saying that he can do something about this situation so he should be doing something else you "obviously" aren't his number one. It's not fair to ask him to sacrifice this trip/program for you at all, and I don't think it's fair to sit there saying "he said he'd do anything in the world for me. Apparently not."

I think what you need to do is sit there and ask yourself if he's worth it. Is he worth making it work? Is he worth the difficulty of being so far apart, and is he worth the challenges of a long-distance relationship? Is this something that you really want? You have the facts in front of you: he'll be away for 6 more months, then you have the summer, then you have school. Is that something you can handle? Because if this is something you decide is worth it making through, then you're going to have to accept that the only way to have a solid life together is to have a solid life independently of one another. It's going to mean being flexible to what plans he may face/have for his future and being supportive of them. Yes, sacrifices are involved too, but I think it's more important to realise that neither of you can ask the other to sacrifice themselves, and asking him to come home early from the program would be doing that.

Long distance can work. Look at the success stories, the people who've closed the distance, hell, the people who have done distance for years. Sometimes that means being okay with Skype and Facebook chat until you can fall into a routine of visitations, sending mail, etc. But there are also some people who really aren't cut out for doing distance/aren't motivated to do it, and you need to decide if you're one of them, and if he's worth it to continue doing this.

[Mara]

Long distance can work. Look at the success stories, the people who've closed the distance, hell, the people who have done distance for years. Sometimes that means being okay with Skype and Facebook chat until you can fall into a routine of visitations, sending mail, etc. But there are also some people who really aren't cut out for doing distance/aren't motivated to do it, and you need to decide if you're one of them, and if he's worth it to continue doing this.

I agree with Eclaire's total post, but I quoted this part because I think this is the heart of the issue. The bottom line is, this is the way things are. You can't change things and it wouldn't be wise or fair for him for him to drop everything and come back home. When he comes back, eventually, the two of you will be heading of to different colleges. You have to decide if this something you can and want to deal with. It's not a bad thing if it isn't. Being in a long distance relationship is miles apart [no pun intended] from being in a close distance relationship. It just isn't the same. You have to decide if this is what you want.

[Alemap]

Have you told him you want letters and gifts? That it would make the distance easier for you to have that physical contact, even if it's postal?
If not, then I suggest you do. Don't feel ashamed or needy for wanting that tangible side, but don't expect him to read your mind, either.
If you haven't tried this already, then perhaps before you bring it up as a Big Serious Talk[tm], try sending him something; chances are good he'll reciprocate, and even if he doesn't, it still gives you the opportunity to bring it up in a lighthearted manner, and joke with him when you next chat online, "So, what are you sending me as a reply? " If after that, he still doesn't get the hint, then you may need to break it down for him.

[kittyo9]

This is an amazing opportunity for him. If you care for him so much, you should support him, knowing that he will be coming home in 6 months. This is what an LDR is. If you feel like you cannot handle it and that your SO has to give up an important, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity because you want him to, then you need to reassess the reasons you are in this relationship.

He is also not a mind-reader. If you are expecting things like letters and packages, you should suggest it. "Hey, you should send me xxx!" or "omg, I hear they have xxx there, do you think you could bring one back for me?"

[Zapookie]

I agree with everything said already.

You have to decide whether this is for you. Not everyone can do long-distance. Asking him to drop out of something he had planned before you came into the picture is a bit much, and he may resent you for it.

LDRs require a lot of support and communication between both of the parties, which means bringing up any issues and talking them through and coming to some kind of compromise. Talk to him about how you're feeling, but don't accuse him of anything. Just say that you've been feeling some things and you wanted him to know where you stand, and maybe talk about what you two can do to strengthen your bond.

Don't be resentful at him because he's happy with what he's doing now, and you feel like you've been left behind. In an LDR, you have to become somewhat independent if you weren't already. It requires you to do your own thing, keep yourself happy and occupied, and when you get the chance to speak to your SO, you can then share your lives together as if you were coming home from a day of work.

I'm so sure that he would love to come home right now and just hold you, but that's not an option for him. Have patience, you'll need a lot of it if you choose the LDR path.

[WakeUpSusie]

It's pretty expensive to ship things, even letters sometimes, overseas and I think it's a little silly to expect him to send you things on a regular basis. I spent a semester (well, six months really) in Dublin when I was in college and my SO was still in the States at school. We were long distance all through colleges as we went to different universities, so it wasn't that different for us. We chatted every day or every other day on Skype or on the phone and that was it. It worked out fine for us, but not everyone is cut out for long distance and that's ok too.

Just try to relax and let him have this experience. It is more important than it seems at first glance. Whatever decision you make, handle it maturely and sensitively.