The Emotional Roller Coaster of an LDR

[Sierra]

I've spent some time thinking about this ... well since yesterday. After spending a great weekend with my boyfriend, I know with him is right where I need to be. When we are together there are no issues, I'm included, we have fun, laugh, make each other happy. I fall asleep in his arms and we cuddle all night. I feel safe, secure and loved when I'm with him and I know that's where I belong.

However, when we're apart it's another story (as you all know). This past weekend he admitted to me that in the beginning he didn't think that we would make it very long, he thought the distance would tear us apart, which is weird because in the beginning I felt like we were going to make it no matter what, and now I feel like the distance is going to tear us apart.

I know you all know how hard it is. The seeing each other and having those wonderful days, or for some us, months, together and then have to be apart again. I keep hoping it'll hurt less but it doesn't, it gets worse. For a week after I leave, or he leaves, I'm depressed and morose. I cry at night wishing he was there and wake up reaching for him and it's like torture...

Then there's the inbetween insecurity. I get terrified, worried, accusatory and insecure. To make it worse -- this isn't who I am in any relationship. It causes me to doubt him, doubt us and wonder what I'm doing. Maybe I'm not as strong as you guys who seem to be able to hold it together so well, but it's hard for me.

Then there's the build up, those few days before I'm going to see him again when I start looking forward to the weekend together. I get excited like a little kid going to Disneyland, can't sleep or eat and I'm just so excited to see him again.

It's a cycle, obviously I'm sure most of you are familiar with and sometimes it feels like it's tearing me asunder. I wish I could find the balance where I don't get insecure and upset and discouraged by the distance. My boyfriend says he did it by keeping himself busy, but that's not really an option for me. I am disabled and can't go out and do my usual outdoor activities and while I'm working on it, I know it'll take some time to get better. I work part time ... keeping myself busy is walking my dog around the block and playing video games.

I, obviously, need a hobby. But soon I'll be working a ton so hopefully that will make things easier for me.

How do you guys handle the roller coaster?

[HollzHeartsChris]

I couldn't agree with you more. LDRs have got to be some of the hardest things to keep going in the world and it takes 2 very determined, very strong people to be able to withstand it. LDRs with the right person however are more than worth it. If you have the strength and courage to make it through and everything works out alright for you in the end, then it's more than worth all the pain and heartache. I can sympathise with the heartache, I get it a lot even now, but I think it's just something you have to be prepared for and it's characteristic when you're in an LDR. I think everyone in an LDR, no matter how far both partners are from one another, no matter who they are and no matter what the circumstances are, is brave, strong and very stubborn. I say stubborn because you're both put up against a lot of odds, and if you can beat the odds, all the better I hate it when people say LDRs never work out, so far for me they haven't, but I don't share that opinion because I've seen some of the success stories on this website and they can and do work out. I just stay hopeful and steadfast in my faith that things will eventually work out. I'm generally an optimistic person, and I think staying hopeful and hoping for the best is what keeps me going. I don't want to consider the "What ifs."

I have lots of coping strategies. I might blast Lady Gaga's music and shout out the lyrics, or I'll go and sit with my parents and watch TV or watch a film. Or if I'm with friends, I'll go hang out with them. Or somedays I might just sit and cry my eyes out. What I do depends on my mood. But one thing I never do is dwell because that just makes me feel worse. I keep the faith going and just keep on hoping. Just keep on fighting. It's all you can do really.

[Sierra]

I think that the distance just adds another stressor onto a relationship - and some relationships, from the get go, are stressful. I get jealous of people that I see together and happy and wish that was my boyfriend and I. The constant up and down between visits is really taxing on me. I know he's worth it, it's just hard.

You are right though, it takes really strong individuals to make it through this type of relationship. I have a problem not dwelling on it, I'm surrounded by lonilness a lot in my life. I don't have any local friends to hang out with, just my mother and for some reason doing that just makes me more depressed.

I guess being in an LDR on top of the other stress in my life just makes it that much harder for me. Looking around me seeing couples holding hands, laughing and being together makes me feel so .... alone. I have to learn how to focus on the good things instead of dwelling in my insecurity and fear.

My boyfriend said I should see every countdown to a visit as us one being one month closer to us being together and closing the distance and I'm going to try hard to do that.

[lucybelle]

I think the way I dealt with it was just be accepting that that was how my life was. Nothing, for me at least, makes the distance easier. Nothing makes time pass quicker. And I hated just wasting away days, counting to when I'd see him again. So I decided to accept things. This is how it is. I don't like it. But I'll deal with it. Having an ending date was also helpful.

When I saw couples together, instead of being insanely jealous, I'd always think "I have a boyfriend too, and he's so much better looking than that guy". I'd like thinking about how other couples would see me and be wrong about me being single. I don't know, I guess it was sort of like a game.

[Mara]

When I first joined this site, I was really struggling with the distance. I mean really struggling. I thought that the distance was going to rip us apart. Sometimes it amazes me that it hasn't.

Honestly, it has gotten a lot better for me, but it's still hard. There are good days and bad days and days where I just don't know if I'm capable of continuing. There's a lot of negativity, a lot of insecurity, and a lot of worry.

What helps me the most [outside of staying busy] is just not dwelling on it. I can't change the situation. I wish I could, but it's just not plausible for us to close the distance right now. I have to accept that and go on with my life. I have taken up a lot of hobbies and spend a lot of time doing things that I never would have had time for before. You know those projects you've always wanted to do, but never got around to.

Another thing I do is when I do begin to feel worried or insecure or scared I ask myself are these feelings valid or am I just feeling this way because of the distance. It's so hard sometimes to tell the difference, but knowing the difference and knowing the reasoning makes it somehow easier to deal with because when it is just the distance I can dismiss those feelings. I know they aren't really "real" it's just my mind's awful way of handling being apart.

This is a heck of a roller coaster and one I can't say that I'll be sad to see go.

[Sierra]

...
Another thing I do is when I do begin to feel worried or insecure or scared I ask myself are these feelings valid or am I just feeling this way because of the distance. It's so hard sometimes to tell the difference, but knowing the difference and knowing the reasoning makes it somehow easier to deal with because when it is just the distance I can dismiss those feelings. I know they aren't really "real" it's just my mind's awful way of handling being apart.

This is a heck of a roller coaster and one I can't say that I'll be sad to see go.

This is REALLY helpful advice. I have a hard time figuring out if how I feel is real, or because of the distance and it's something I really need to work on. I know if I can get over the basically picking fights because of the distance, he and I will be fine.

And I think you guys are right, maybe accepting the situation is the best thing to do. This is how it is for right now, it won't be that way forever.

One thing that makes it harder for me is when he tells me "I wish you lived here now", "I wish we could be together all the time "I wish I could wake up next to you every day".... I just want to scream at him - YOU CAN. We had picked our original date to close the distance and then bumped it up to an earlier time due to my life circumstances and he got cold feet, which I understand and respect, so now we're back to the date we were at before. It hurts me when he tells me his friends ask all the time why we don't live together and close the distance and sometimes I get resentful that we can't, sooner. But I need to push that out of my head.

It's funny, sometimes I think, well it's only 8 month until I move out there and I think of my friend who just had a baby. I feel like she had the baby in a matter of days it went by so fast. I hope my time goes by that fast too and we can just lose the space between us. There's one thing I can say for sure, long distance relationships aren't for the weak of heart, and a lot of the time I feel very weak. But I am giving it my all.

[Haley53]

I'm the same as lucybelle. It's something I accepted as that it is what it is. I can't change it, and my only two options are either to "get used to it" or decide I can't do it and leave. It's not so much that I can handle the distance in some champion way as it is that I'm not willing to think about the only other alternative. I do it because I have to, because he's who I love and because this is what's required to make us work. And I think he's worth it, and he thinks the same of me. I think coming to that realisation and accepting it was what helped me the most, frankly, that and learning to stop fretting and stressing over what I can't change but can only learn to adapt to.

[~whendarknessfalls]

Well you are definitely not alone. An LDR truly wears on the heart. For me, in the beginning I was a little doubtful but ready to fight for our relationship. Now that it's been so long, I've gotten used to being in an LDR...but it's not any easier. It's so hard to one day be in the best mood ever and have a fantastic Skype date, and then the next day feel worried and stressed and unsure of the future and the relationship. And it's terrible because this roller coaster is completely unpredictable. You can't know when you'll be feeling great or crappy. You don't know when something will set you off, and you cry because all you want in that moment is your SO's arms around you. It messes with your mind, and leaves you tired and worn down.
But at the end of the day, after it all, you have to try to remember the "perfect moments". The look in your SO's eyes when they see you for the first time after who knows how long. The feel of your SO hugging you tight. Or a funny moment when the two of you couldn't stop laughing. You KNOW deep down that you love each other, and no matter what the day to day emotions are, that is not going to change. So hold tight to that thought. Keep it tucked away safe in your heart.

[audi_tt]

i can really understand this emotional trouble in LDR. I feel it too, everytime I talk to him, my heart fly so high, but after some times we're so far that we couldn't contact each other, i am so down and feel depressed. i just have to deal with this since i want to be with him, and this is just one of those consequents of being in a LDR.

[SeaLover]

I too have felt the ups and downs of this emotional roller coaster (no pun intended). There's been days when I just want to shout my happiness to the world and then there are days when I wake up with tears on my pillow and I just don't feel like getting out of bed. What makes it even worse is that we rely heavily on the internet for communication as neither of us have the money for an international call/text cell phone plan at the moment. We try to talk everyday, but the time difference sometimes likes to get in the way. Now, I'm getting off-track.
Mostly, I try not to think about the distance between us. Thankfully, this past school semester was especially busy so I didn't have a lot of time to dwell on it. Whenever i do start to feel down, I remind myself that it's worth the pain I feel and try to remain positive.
I dare anyone to say that LDRs are not hard and don't work. We will prove them all wrong.

[Yaaamiii]

Everything has pretty much already been said, but when I read this I remembered this quote...you're probably familiar with it:

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -from Winnie the Pooh

[Tinkerbelle]

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -from Winnie the Pooh

I love this quote- it's positive and when you're feeling insecure it reminds you that everything is not as bad as it seems and it is very apt for a LDR. Thanks yaaamiii for reminding me of it.

[ElyseMcKenna]

Yes, the emotional rollercoaster of LDRs... it's awful. One second I'll be chatting happily to my SO on skype, and five minutes after he's left I'll burst into tears... or another second I'll be feeling good about our relationship, and then my thoughts will change in an instant and suddenly I'm incredibly insecure. Though our distance isn't nearly as large as others, it still feels pretty big in comparison to those couples that see each other daily. Every time I see a couple throughout the day, I wonder why they get to be the lucky ones. It's taxing, really... I definitely need to boost up the positivity in my attitude towards my relationship. I love my SO very very much, but so many little things can set me off so easily because of the relationship's stress... It's kinda ridiculous sometimes what I'll cry about.

Still, I've been trying to accept that I can't change things despite how desperately I want to. It's hard to do, especially when I really get to thinking about how much I want to be with him and how lucky the people are that do get to be with him. Whenever I think of all those other students in his college classes, I get kinda pissed off because they don't even know who they have sitting in the room with them! I really just need to put more effort into ignoring the distance, persay, and getting used to it. I really should be used to it by now, but time seems to only make it harder to bear (odd, since I thought time was supposed to heal, heh).

Part of me thinks that the distance has brought me to love him even more, so perhaps I should be more "grateful" to have it. One thing's for certain though, I won't be crying the day that distance disappears!