Am I Right to be Worried?

[Dillman]

Hello, I'm new to the forums but have used the site for a while. I'll try and keep this as short as possible, but it's going to be tough.

First the introduction, I am a 23 year old guy who lives in Canada, and my girlfriend is 19 and lives in Florida. We first started talking online in August 2010, and first met in person in February 2011 where I asked her to be my girlfriend. I have made 4 trips down to visit her, and she hasn't come up yet, but is planning a trip in late December and early January. We've talked nearly every day since we met on a chat site called Omegle, first over MSN, then skype, then FaceTime on our Apple devices. We almost see eachother over webcam every day or at least talk using one of those methods, but we usually always have a conversation going over text messages too!

We've always had ups and downs. We're both very sensitive, and there seems to be a lot of little arguments or conversations about things that the other is doing which is uncomfortable. There have been a few bad fights, but we always recovered. In person things are different of course, there's much less to argue about and I think we really enjoy eachother when we're together, although from time to time there have been in person arguments as well.

I've visited 4 times, and stayed for a whole month in July. She started college soon after and things were nice and smooth all the way through, it felt like things kept getting better and better. I took my 4th trip in November to her college, stayed for 5 days and again it was great. That trip was nearly perfect. Very little fighting, and we got to have a lot of fun. I met her roommates and a couple of her friends as well.

That's when things started to change. She had mentioned meeting a guy in October, who approached her because she "caught his eye". We actually had a fight about that because I was sarcastic and not happy he approached her like that. She's extremely senstivie about having friends, it seems to be the most important thing to her, so I kind of ruined her excitement for potentially meeting a new friend. I didn't think a friend would have approached her telling that, more likely a guy only interested in her looks. After my trip, she mentioned that she had met up with him to hang out. She invited him to a movie alone on a Friday, and then she saw him again on Saturday to study for an exam. On Sunday, I decided to log into her facebook, as she had always given me her password, to see if maybe there's more to it. I know it's not right to invade her privacy like that, but we've had issues before regarding facebook and it seems to always be an indicator something is wrong. I find her talking to him on chat, and he's extremely flirty. He literally won't stop complimenting her, and she never tells him to stop. He know's she is in a relationship, and that's no way for someone who just wants friendship to talk. She never flirted back, but did lead him on. I didn't mention it and just moved on.

The next day on Monday, before her exam she studied with him as well. After her exam she texted me and said, "hey, I'll call you soon" then fast forward an hour or so and I finally find out she's been with him getting pizza, and stays out for a couple more hours after I go to sleep. I get angry and we ended up having a pretty bad fight, mostly because she didn't even tell me she was with him, and said she would call me.

The next night is our 9 month anniversary. She promises to call me as we had been distant lately, and she does, but before she does, I log into her facebook again and sure enough she's talking to him. This time there is mention of massages they gave each other the night before, and more of his desperate flirting. I leave it on as we talk on FaceTime, the whole time she's still chatting with him on facebook, but I act like everything is normal. After a bit I also notice her roommate sends her a message saying she's been spending a lot of time with this guy, and it's obvious he likes her and he even touches her in flirty ways, she's concerned too. Later on my gf asks what I'm up to, I just say oh I'm just reading an article, but she changes her password so I'm kicked off. Soon after we stop facetime to get some food, and I tell her we need to call again to talk. I said to call me but she demanded to know what it was about, so finally I told her. I knew about the flirting and the massages, I know he wants to be more than a friend. We had a bad fight, our worst ever. I wasn't sure if we were going to make it through that but we did, although it took some time. She said I'm angry because I can't control her, that I expect her to always talk to me instead of have friends, but agreed to tell him to stop flirting constantly. She also said she just liked the attention. She ended up telling him to stop, or so she told me, and apparently they have talked a lot about how he really just wants to be friends. She also mentioned she is not attracted to him, which I trust and believe, and I don't think she would cheat on me. I just wanted to know why she was acting like this.

Since then, I've tried to accept she wants him as a friend. She studies with him often, usually to late hours at night, sometimes as late as 4am. She rarely texts me when she's with him, and we've have a lot of little fights about how much time she spends with him. Slowly it's been getting better, or at least I'm trying to accept it. She still seems distant though, and seems to have an attitude towards me now. She's also had him alone in her dorm without telling me, I found out after from her, which we had a small argument about. Tonight though, I can't sleep. We had a really nice day talking about things and we were both happy, but she left around 9 to go study with him in his dorm for her exam tomorrow. She stopped texting me at 11:40 when I said goodnight, I've never heard back. I sent her messages saying that she shouldn't treat me like this and actually get back to me, say goodnight and just show she cares.

I've been so stressed lately, and it shows. I went to the doctor and found out I have higher than normal blood pressure, stomach issues, heart palpatations, and a twitchy eyelid all from stress from my job and this, but mostly this relationship. I just need to talk about it, I need to know I'm not overreacting by getting upset when she does this. I can't tell if I really am too controlling or if something is seriously wrong! Am I wrong to be worrying so much? Are these signs that something is seriously wrong?

Well I guess I failed at making it short, any response would be appreciated though. Thanks!

[Zapookie]

You are not overreacting at all. Man, if this were switched around, your girlfriend probably would have accused you of cheating by now, but you've stayed calm and tried to keep the peace.

There is no need for them to be "studying" together into the wee hours of the morning. Can they not study during the day in the library, not alone together in a dorm? I find it highly inappropriate, to be honest, especially since she is in a relationship. You just don't do those kinds of things, out of respect for your partner. She should know that things like that would generally make any boyfriend upset but she does it anyway?

It's okay for her to have friends, but I think spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex who OBVIOUSLY is into her, shouldn't be allowed. It doesn't send the right message.

She says she likes the attention. Really? I get everything I need from my SO, and if someone starts flirting with me, I usually shut them down immediately because by not saying anything, that's basically condoning the flirtacious behaviour from the other person and giving them the green light, like saying "go ahead". So it's also somewhat misleading for her to not have done anything about it earlier.

I think also that if she changed her facebook password, she's got something to hide.

I'm sorry that this post isn't positive, but everything about her behaviour screams that something isn't right.

[Engel]

She is someone that wants her cake and eat it too. she is emotionally cheating on you, sorry to break the news, and for the sound of things, giving each other massagesm ignoring you to spend time with him.. physical cheating isnt too far either.



Leave her. if she wants to play the vimit when she gets caught, instead of apolagizing, she isnt even worthy trying.


she will just learn to hide her cheating better.

[OceanBlue]

I totally understand you. And you’re not overreacting at all. Maybe it was wrong to “spy” on her on facebook like that but then again, how she acted wasn’t right at all. I kind of went through the same, well still do actually. There was a guy and he was flirting with me but I hated it. So I actually don’t get how your gf told you she liked the attention. I actually found it disturbing. I told him to stop. There is another guy right now that is like that but for personal reasons I can’t make him stop or tell him to leave me alone. But everytime he flirts I just feel very bad and don’t answer or answer very shortly (since I HAVE to text him back for a personal reason)

Ofcource it’s ok for her to have friends. I mean, it would be unhealthy if she didn’t have any friends beside you. But it’s not ok like this. Not spending almost all her time with a guy that obviously likes her and has other intentions than just be friends. And she ignores your texts when she’s with him. This is really not right.

But what bothers me the most is that after you told her how you felt, she didn’t stop spending sooo much time with him. I don’t say she had to stop talking to him but she could put a distance between the guy and herself. In my opinion she shouldn’t even be spending time with him at all but oh well. I mean, I always tell my bf that his happiness means so much to me. And if I would see that I’m hurting him with something I do I’d stop immediately. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t go on like that knowing he gets hurt from it.

You seem like a very good bf to her, but I’m not so sure she deserves you. I really am sorry you have to go through all this.

[squirrelz15]

I agree with everyone else. It isn't ok. You're not overreacting. It is just fine for her to have friends, but not like this. She needs to respect you and your feelings too,instead of turning it around on you and making you feel bad. I would leave if I were you, she's emotionally cheating. If you choose not too leave her, then you need to tell her you guys need to set some ground rules because this is affecting your relationship. Good luck, I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Dillman]

Thank you guys so much for the thoughtful replies, it really helps. You make a lot of good points, and it really helps to know its not just me being needy or controlling. She's been using him as her source of companionship, even if she isn't interested in a relationship with him.

She ended up texting me to apologize last night around 4 am, I'm not sure if she was still with him then. She didn't really have an excuse other than her iPod wasn't downloading her texts properly. I had texted her a lot about my feelings and she replied to those too. She asked me if I wanted to take a break since I'm not happy and so stressed.

When I woke up I replied, telling her she needed to stop the late nights, distant behavior, and overall attitude that she has had lately. I also said that a break would only be permanent. We're already on break, it's long distance. What would be the point of not talking at all?

We've been having a long conversation since she woke up this morning. I asked her to promise she loved me and that there were no feelings between them. She did. I also asked if anything else had happened that I wouldn't be comfortable with, and she admitted he put his arms around her and they occasionally tickle each other. This really hurt....she's been basically replacing me as her best friend. Before she told me, she actually said "there have been things you wouldn't like because I know you don't like him" in what world would that be okay even if I knew and liked her friend?

I don't know what will happen. I think, given that she hasn't actually cheated, and she has actually been apologizing to me about it this time, maybe we can start fresh and work our way back to the way things were. I basically said its going to be him or me though, and she immediately said it will always be me.

What do you think? Should I maybe talk to the friend and get him to stop his behavior? Or is this all best kept between me and her? Any other suggestions would help as well. I want this to work, we're young, have time, and I do love her.

I'm really temped to reset her Facebook password and log in to see what I find since I have access to her email as well. To be honest, even though that's terrible to do, it would give me the truth, tell me if there's more to it than what she's telling me.

[snow_girl]

What do you think? Should I maybe talk to the friend and get him to stop his behavior? Or is this all best kept between me and her? Any other suggestions would help as well. I want this to work, we're young, have time, and I do love her.

I'm really temped to reset her Facebook password and log in to see what I find since I have access to her email as well. To be honest, even though that's terrible to do, it would give me the truth, tell me if there's more to it than what she's telling me.

It is between you and her, do not, I repeat do not contact this guy. She seems to have been upfront about everything so you need to trust what she says. If you reset her password to see what she is up to that makes you a terrible person and I would dump you then and there. You have no business to go on her account nevermind hack into it leaving her locked out of her account.

[BlueCat]

If you reset her facebook password, she will know, and after apologising to you and promising she loved you she would know that you still don't trust her. If she truly is sincere, then it's likely things will improve from here, but I guess if it's not, she will likely continue to be very distant with you. You have not overreacted. It's a very fickle situation.

[Dillman]

It is between you and her, do not, I repeat do not contact this guy. She seems to have been upfront about everything so you need to trust what she says. If you reset her password to see what she is up to that makes you a terrible person and I would dump you then and there. You have no business to go on her account nevermind hack into it leaving her locked out of her account.

You're right. That is something that I should never resort to. I agree, I should trust her, and I am trying really hard to. After the things she's been doing, it's very difficult to just accept what she is telling me though. I know if she really does stop this behavior, things will go back to normal, but Ive tried so much to get things back to that already. Time will tell I suppose. Thank you.

[Haley53]

Here's the thing, if you're going to do this, you need to do it without getting into her Facebook and e-mail. If this is something you're intending on working through, you both need to work at it. The shitty thing is that it takes one to screw it up, but two to fix it, and oftentimes, both parties end up having to put in the same amount of work, because whilst she's going to need to put effort and energy into gaining your trust, you're going to have to put effort and energy into having that trust to give to begin with. And you're not going to do it by using Facebook/her e-mail as a crutch to get your information, especially not now, when you're vulnerable to the point you might start psychoanalysing a "hello." Not saying that it will happen, simply saying that it could, and oftentimes does in these situations.

My advice would be to, if you don't have the self-control to not dig through her Facebook and e-mails, tell her to change her passwords and not tell you what she's changed them to. If she's curious as to why, tell her that you simply want all temptations removed so that you can both actually start working through and getting over this problem. Then I would sit down and think about what you need from her. Personally, I don't think anyone should ever make their partners choose, simply because I think that's one way to a) push for it to happen again, because the partner's being forced/blackmailed not learning what they should have done in the situation and/or b) build resentment in the partner and/or c) make the partner more secretive in the future. I also don't think this gives you any right to be more hard pressed about where she is and what she's doing at any given time. If anything, this gives you a reason to be upset/distrustful for a while and that's it, and that's why I think it's hard for any relationship to recover from this. It can be done, but it needs to be done without the blackmail and ultimatums and it needs to be done without getting overly possessive, jealous, and controlling, which can be difficult when your trust has been so betrayed.

I think what's also important is finding out why she felt the need to do what she did and why she didn't feel it was wrong. I would be honest and tell her it'd hurt you if it were a friend you did like too, and explain why. Have her explain where she's coming from. Gain a mutual understanding, see if you can come up with a compromise you're both happy with, and then move on. I think any time anyone has any sort of affair in a relationship, it's a sign that there's a problem in the relationship. Figure out what that problem is/was and focus your efforts on fixing that, because becoming obsessed with reading her Facebook and e-mails will only drive you mad and will, as a result, end up destroying the relationship. If you want to make a point to get over this, you're going to have to be willing to accept that it happened and move on from it, not use it as a justification for doing all you wouldn't normally do.

[HollzHeartsChris]

You have EVERY right to be worried. Not being funny, but if my SO was doing this to me, and I was going through much the same as you are right now, I'd be extremely pissed. To say the least. I think your girlfriend is being extremely selfish and unfair and she's playing everyone for a fool. My apologies for being blunt, but I don't think she's treating you right. At all. She needs to really work on her attitude towards you. I can't believe that she's studying until 4am, sorry. Sounds really fishy to me. But then again it could be nothing. But I can't really think of a good enough excuse for her behaviour.

At least she apologised though. Hopefully things will improve from now on, but DO NOT HACK HER FACEBOOK or contact the guy. It would be a serious mistake and I can't stress that enough.

[Kizuna]

Wow...just wow. I totally agree with you and everyone else on this thread.
She's clearly being selfish and ignoring your feelings. To have a good relationship, it shouldn't be a one-way one, but both parties communicating well and respecting each other and their feelings.
To be honest, her actions seem very suspicious...so I don't blame you.
When one of my guy friends started getting touchy-feely with me and was flirting, my SO told me that he doesn't trust him and wants me to be careful.
Although I was good friends with that guy, I listened to my SO and made some distance between me and my friend. And when he tried to get flirty, I told him to stop.

It obviously doesn't mean "hey, I don't want you to be friends with him or talk to him any more", but in situations like that, it's completely justifiable for you to be concerned.

[Dillman]

First of all, let me say I've never found a more caring and helpful crowd of people on the Internet. All of your replies have been thought out and helpful, and that alone has made me feel much better.

I also agree regarding the ultimatum. I sort of said that she had to choose in the heat of the moment, I just got so sick of saying "well it's okay of you have a friend, just don't do things that are inappropriate". I'm happy she wants friends, it gives me time as well to see mine, or relax and do something else I like to do. I just kind of feel, with this particular guy, I will never be able to accept him as a friend, he will always be a source of worry if she decides to keep hanging out with him.

We've been texting back and forth a lot today, and have made some progress. I've been trying to get her to explain why she's been acting the way she has, and why she thought it would be okay for this other guy to get so close to her, but she hasn't really given me a reason. She can't even explain how his arm ended up around her which I specifically asked. Also, whenever I try and tell her he is interested in her, she argues and disagrees. She keeps maintaining that he doesn't like her any more than a friend. The evidence is so stacked against that, and she can't really provide evidence that he doesn't like her, other than that he has said that. Basically she's taking his word for it. Other things like saying "he has so many different girls he could go after" make me feel like she believes anything he says. I asked if she had seen him hanging out with a bunch of other girls or if that's just what he said, and sure enough, it was just another thing he said. He's taking advantage of her, he knows exactly what he's doing.

The good news is that I've asked her if she wants to fix it, and she sounds like she really does. She sounded genuinely concerned that I may break up with her over this, which I hadn't even mentioned. I think that is a good sign she's actually realizing for once how serious it is.

I can honestly say I've worked way too hard at this to just give up over this vulture of a guy who is interfering. She's done a few things that have really hurt, but they are things that we can turn back from. The other good news is she is leaving Thursday to Pennsylvania to visit her parents for the holidays. She will be there for around 3 weeks, one of which she may come and spend with me in Canada, so she will be away from him for a least that long.

Wow...just wow. I totally agree with you and everyone else on this thread.
She's clearly being selfish and ignoring your feelings. To have a good relationship, it shouldn't be a one-way one, but both parties communicating well and respecting each other and their feelings.
To be honest, her actions seem very suspicious...so I don't blame you.
When one of my guy friends started getting touchy-feely with me and was flirting, my SO told me that he doesn't trust him and wants me to be careful.
Although I was good friends with that guy, I listened to my SO and made some distance between me and my friend. And when he tried to get flirty, I told him to stop.

It obviously doesn't mean "hey, I don't want you to be friends with him or talk to him any more", but in situations like that, it's completely justifiable for you to be concerned.

Maybe you could give some advice that I can pass on to her about telling him to stop since you've been in a similar position? That would really help, because I know she isn't really good with being forward with people.

Thanks again for the replies! I'm going to FaceTime call her soon so we can actually talk about this stuff and see each other at the same time.

[Haley53]

Honestly, the only way to go about it is being forward. I was in a situation in the past where a friend of mine grabbed/smacked my ass thinking it was funny. He received a swift kick to the shin and was told that was his warning; he crossed the line again, he's gone. Later on down the line, when he started making inappropriate comments about my breasts/body, I ignored him until he FBed me, wanting to know when we could hang out again. I told him he'd made me feel really uncomfortable and I wasn't sure when I wanted to hang out with him again, seeing as he'd crossed the line I explicitly told him not to cross. After that I eventually weeded him out.

I get that she's not good at being forward, I never was either, but there comes a point you have no choice but to be forward/direct about it. :/

[rsvpnj]

I don't think you are overreacting... I would react the same way in that situation. l think you just need to talk to her honestly about and decide where your relationship is headed.