And I don't just love her, I'm in love with her.
I feel like my relationship is a time-bomb. Her family culture is exactly what you'd expect of Persian(Iranian) Jews. If you don't know, read the link below.
https://thecolonic.blogspot.com/2007...an-dating.html
We've broken up twice now, month apart each time, for "fears" she won't explain no matter how much I try to inquire, it reverts to her not knowing and answering, "unno." Except to explain during the breakups that she can't be with me, shouldn't be with me, as well as doesn't want to be with me(Which the last was trying to emotionally disconnect, so doesn't phase me). <--Frustrating though!
Now our end of January meeting has been canceled by her as of the other day and it made me feel like someone just scooped up the first shovel full of dirt to make my grave with, because I know she wants me to be there physically...
And it hit me today that what I suspected of her upbringing, was in fact the reason for our difficulties in just being a couple. She is of drinking age, lives at home, doesn't work, doesn't drive, and is "protected" by her parents. She can't go out and stay with friends overnight, she doesn't go anywhere alone from the house, and definitely never left alone in groups if there are no girls present as well. Her friends are very few, because they essentially can only be Persian Jew's or family related, which she doesn't get along with as it is as her mother is Russian Jew, and her father's side of the family, Persian treats them both like lepers socially, though still enforces Persian customs of "Social circles" on them.
This has meant that my texts or calls are ignored(phone is on silent to conceal it) until way, way later when she can get away from her mom and dad to communicate back. They spy on her, they walk into her room at 2am if there is so much as a glow from her laptop to check on her; which means when we skype or just chat, the slightest noise or light outside of her room, see's her slamming the laptop shut, closing our session for the rest of the night for fear they'll take up a second visitation. It's almost laughable if it didn't make me feel like a heel...or worthless, because sometimes she can't even say "brb" in chat or else clue them that someone more important than them is being communicated to.
And this is completely normal for her culture. If you didn't read the article and don't know what I'm talking about yet, read it.
I'm in deep shit here emotionally, because today I contemplated ending the relationship to protect myself, knowing it might not end well should her parents learn of me, but the thought of doing so has made me extremely ill all day since I even considered the notion. And the pressure of her parents would certainly win out if it came to that since she lives with them currently. She, no joke, said if they figured out we were together, they'd take her phone and internet away. I can't even send mail in letters or gifts, because they open her mail and question who sent it. I can't even so much as send flowers, which is very much something I would do.
She's suggested flying to me twice to live with me, and I didn't catch the hint until now, that she realizes I can't ever visit her or have a gradual physical relationship, because that cutoff would happen at the snap of the fingers. It feels like an all or nothing decision has to be made soon; I walk or I tell her to come to me like she's suggested and we try, and hope it works.
This is the most complicated and extremely lopsided life crossroad I've ever experienced. I can't decide if I'm a fool for getting involved with her, but she's so special to me at this point, ending it will feel about as crude as chopping off my arm selfishly so the person I love hanging by it over a cliff doesn't drag me down...
I feel like my relationship is a time-bomb. Her family culture is exactly what you'd expect of Persian(Iranian) Jews. If you don't know, read the link below.
https://thecolonic.blogspot.com/2007...an-dating.html
We've broken up twice now, month apart each time, for "fears" she won't explain no matter how much I try to inquire, it reverts to her not knowing and answering, "unno." Except to explain during the breakups that she can't be with me, shouldn't be with me, as well as doesn't want to be with me(Which the last was trying to emotionally disconnect, so doesn't phase me). <--Frustrating though!
Now our end of January meeting has been canceled by her as of the other day and it made me feel like someone just scooped up the first shovel full of dirt to make my grave with, because I know she wants me to be there physically...
And it hit me today that what I suspected of her upbringing, was in fact the reason for our difficulties in just being a couple. She is of drinking age, lives at home, doesn't work, doesn't drive, and is "protected" by her parents. She can't go out and stay with friends overnight, she doesn't go anywhere alone from the house, and definitely never left alone in groups if there are no girls present as well. Her friends are very few, because they essentially can only be Persian Jew's or family related, which she doesn't get along with as it is as her mother is Russian Jew, and her father's side of the family, Persian treats them both like lepers socially, though still enforces Persian customs of "Social circles" on them.
This has meant that my texts or calls are ignored(phone is on silent to conceal it) until way, way later when she can get away from her mom and dad to communicate back. They spy on her, they walk into her room at 2am if there is so much as a glow from her laptop to check on her; which means when we skype or just chat, the slightest noise or light outside of her room, see's her slamming the laptop shut, closing our session for the rest of the night for fear they'll take up a second visitation. It's almost laughable if it didn't make me feel like a heel...or worthless, because sometimes she can't even say "brb" in chat or else clue them that someone more important than them is being communicated to.
And this is completely normal for her culture. If you didn't read the article and don't know what I'm talking about yet, read it.
I'm in deep shit here emotionally, because today I contemplated ending the relationship to protect myself, knowing it might not end well should her parents learn of me, but the thought of doing so has made me extremely ill all day since I even considered the notion. And the pressure of her parents would certainly win out if it came to that since she lives with them currently. She, no joke, said if they figured out we were together, they'd take her phone and internet away. I can't even send mail in letters or gifts, because they open her mail and question who sent it. I can't even so much as send flowers, which is very much something I would do.
She's suggested flying to me twice to live with me, and I didn't catch the hint until now, that she realizes I can't ever visit her or have a gradual physical relationship, because that cutoff would happen at the snap of the fingers. It feels like an all or nothing decision has to be made soon; I walk or I tell her to come to me like she's suggested and we try, and hope it works.
This is the most complicated and extremely lopsided life crossroad I've ever experienced. I can't decide if I'm a fool for getting involved with her, but she's so special to me at this point, ending it will feel about as crude as chopping off my arm selfishly so the person I love hanging by it over a cliff doesn't drag me down...
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