right age to marry?

[aggie]

I was certain a thread like that would be on the forum already, if it is and I just can't spot it, please, let me know! I'd hate to be the one to double threads!

I'm basically ready to get married any time soon, especially that I was never too big on weddings or engagement at all. My SO however, I know, he'd do it if there was no other option for me to see him, but he doesn't really want to just yet (he said today, he needs to be able to support us financially first, for him to feel okay with marriage). Because of our situation, we both have been thinking about it, but one of us had doubts at the time when the other was ready (well, he was the first one to put it in my head, then I started going all in for it, and then he started uni and found his young inner self again so backed off a little, and now I'm not so certain about a rushed wedding just to get a visa either).
I'm turning 22 in February, he's 24. Is it too early to be rushing to marry without actually living with each other (by that i mean in a non-holiday/ limited time visits way), even though we both know we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

My question is, also for the alumni (highly appreciated),

what was/is the age that you got married/plan to get married to your long distance SO ?
Even when it's to close the distance? How long were you/you're planning to be in the current relationship before you married/marry?

I've tried to do some research stalking some members' profiles, but didn't come up with too much data. I know none of my friends want to get married any time soon, and certainly none of them who are in LDR. Hence the question for you.

[squirrelz15]

I think that totally depends on the people in the relationship and where they are in their lives. Some people it's right to get married young, others aren't ready to until their older. I really haven't gotten to the point in this relationship where marriage is on the table, so I can't say how long we'd wait, that said, I still think it's different for everyone.

[Haley53]

Personally, I don't feel it's a good idea to get married without having lived with one another beforehand. Why? Put simply because it's easy to say you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you never see. Regardless of the hardships, there's something romantic about meeting someone in a foreign country, having to work twice as hard to see the other person half as (if that) much as anyone in a close-distance relationship, and ultimately realising that they're worth it, because even if they were born halfway round the world, they're still your soul mate, they're still your one true love, and you're going to do everything in your power to make it work and survive your happily ever after!

Wow, that sounded cynical... But I don't mean it as such. :/ I simply mean that I think it's easy to get caught up in that you're perfectly compatible with someone you haven't even spent half your relationship with in person. And the thing is, living together, and especially marriage, are not going to be like a summer holiday. I'll be going to spend a couple months with my partner next summer, and I spent a month with him this summer. Do I feel prepared to get married based on that alone? No. Is he the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? Yes, but in a situation where the Visa process is involved, I think it's almost especially important that two people get to test out their compatibility factors beforehand, because it's an expensive marriage and an expensive divorce. :P And I'm not saying that everyone is doomed to failure. I think it's lucybelle who mentioned she's had a wonderful experience moving in with her partner and for her it has been rainbows and butterflies, but there are others who have not had this same experience. Because it isn't a holiday. You're not going to visit and spend time with someone for the thrills, you're actually having to learn to work together in ways "grown-ups" tend to: you have to think about finances, housework, errands, etc.; you have to think about the fact that whomever's moving is unlikely to have friends straight off the bat and you're both going to want time with your friends and space from your partner; you're going to have to think about the fact that you might both actually want to live and have your own lives and have space from each other; you're going to have to learn to communicate on a deeper level than you ever have before; the list goes on. Although I feel that a lot of people tend to settle into this routine, if even with a few ups and downs, I think it's something I want to settle into before marriage.

Taking finances, because that's a big one, what if you learn that he's perfectly okay with taking out loan after loan that he lets collect interest without having much motivation to pay them back? What if you find out that he's actually really cheap and is pretty controlling over the budget? What if you learn he's a huge spender even in tight months? The list goes on. I think it's important to not only test out your romantic compatibilities, but also how you work as a logical and practical team. I think it's important to look at your habits when living alone that slowly merge into your life of living together. No, I suppose it's not a requirement to have these learnings before marriage, but I would certainly like to have an idea of what married life would be like. I would like to sort out any possible issues - see if we even can (it's not going to help much if one partner doesn't want to change or claims to but makes no effort) - beforehand, because that's not something I want to go into a marriage having to deal with. And you never know, same as I don't. :P Things may work out perfectly and you may be able to work through those issues smooth as a baby's bottom! But I will never marry someone I have not yet lived with and had the chance to experience what everyday life would be like living with that person. It's an entirely different ballgame than getting to spend a summer holiday with someone, and it's not one I'd gamble an expensive Visa and even more costly divorce on.

I understand that I sound bitter, but I'm simply trying to be realistic. :P And personally, for me, marriage likely cannot/won't be happening before grad school. Based on unforseen circumstances, our entire plan has been changed/altered, so though marriage is something we both ultimately want, it's no longer something that's really in a tangible future.

[lucybelle]

Some couples decide to live together before getting married, and some don't. I don't think I would ever consider marriage without first living together. And for visas, you almost always have to prove that you've lived together to show you have a legit relationship.

We've closed the distance and have been living together for 10 months. Marriage only came up about a week ago. We decided we want to move back to the States, and the easiest way for my SO to be able to work is for us to get married. I mean, how often have you heard of a foreigner on a work visa to the States?? So perhaps in the next 2 or 3 years we'll be getting hitched and trying to get him a spouse visa to come into the States. That would make me 26/27-ish and him 33/34-ish.

I think age does play a factor (it's not just a number to me). Though obviously someone could be "ready" to get married much younger than when I'll be ready.

[Dziubka]

There's no correct answer to this.

In my opinion getting married to close the distance or financial reasons is perfectly legitimate.
If my boyfriend and I needed to get married for him to move to my country, I'd do it in heartbeat. We've actually considered getting married so I'd get more money (less income tax as long as he doesn't work) and he'd get proper (and free!) health insurance, when he moves to Germany. Why should love be a more legitimate reason? I don't need to get married for love. I can love my boyfriend perfectly well, without having a paper that says we're wife and husband.

As much as I want the wedding/party to be romantic and epic, I have a very practical outlook on marriage.

We're planning to get married in 2015 now, because we'll both be finished with our education and more likely to afford to make the wedding everything we want. We'll also most like have closed the distance. But I'd be fine with getting a courthouse wedding now and have the party and religious ceremony a few years later, if getting married had a lot of practical advantages for us. But I don't really believe in all the "until death do us apart"-thing. I obviously want to stay with my boyfriend forever (at least right now that is what I want) and I wouldn't go through the whole LDR ordeal if I didn't think that it was worth it, but I don't believe that getting married is making us more likely to stay together forever.
Basically if you believe that getting married means you'll lead a sunshine-rainbow-happy life together, love each other and never have any real problems, then it's too early to get married. No matter how long you've been together or how old you are.

[kteire]

I don't think I'd want to get married until I could afford the wedding things that I want, haha. But honestly my SO and I have discussed it, and would prefer to get married in like 4-5 years from now. Marrying would definitely make things easier for visa purposes, but marriage means a lot to me, and I'd never want it to be a means to an end. I guess it varies a lot from couple to couple, and your beliefs and traditions. I would have felt way too young getting married at 22, but it's not too young for everyone! I don't think I'd want to marry my SO before we have at least lived in the same city for a while, to get to know each other more on a day-to-day basis in person, rather than over skype and on holidays!

[aggie]

I cannot disagree with any of you as you all basically share my opinion.
I don't think that marriage is a certain gate to 'happily ever after', being in a relationship, before or after marriage still requires work.
I am not expecting you to tell me 'yeah, get married, it makes everything easier', as you seem to think. I don't think marriage is unimportant decision. When I said I'm not big on it, I meant the ceremony and being it all fairytale like, but I do share the view that it's one of the most important ones in life.

I suppose I posted this question, because I've been on LFAD for quite a while now, and while I am extremely happy for all the couples that closed the distance as it gives me the power to believe, I can't help but wonder, why it hasn't happened to me yet. Then I figured that actually it's not only the years of getting to know one another that count, but the maturity of your inner self as well. Also, while I know we have our own lives to sort and we're not exactly in the moment of our lives to be moving to the other side of the globe or starting a family, and I know every relationship differs from another, I would like to know how long it took/ do you think it will take to make all the aspects of feeling ready for such a committment, knowing the right person well enough to make that decision and being at that stage in life, where marriage is a wise decision and not a childlish flick, if you can ever call it that.

I would love to get as many speculations and thoughts and facts on that as I can, so I'll repost the questions again, to make it more clear than I did in my first post.

For members still in LDR :
- at what age do you think you will get married ?
- at that age how long do you think you will be in a relationship with your SO for ?

For alumni:
- how old were you and your SO when you got married?
- how long did you know each other/ were in a relationship when you did ?


Thanks everyone!

For those who posted already @kteire, @Dziubka, @Eclaire, you mentioned dates of when you think you will be getting married, can you please tell me how old youre going to be then ? And the SO ? And how long would your relationship by then be? Cheers

[Haley53]

Well prior to his mother passing away (he is now the legal guardian of his 15-year-old brother, so that shifted our plan), we had planned he would come here to work from 2013-2014, or around there, and we would consider starting the process for a K-1 either after that or in 2015, so that our plan to be married would be somewhere in 2016/2017. I would be around 25/26 and he would be around 23/24, as he's a year and a half younger than I am. Now we're thinking of my going there for a working holiday, same year as originally planned 2013/2014, but then I have grad school, which will be anywhere from 5-7 years. That would put me at around 27/28 before we were married, unless in that time, he could come here, in which case we'd be married sooner. 7-8 years of long distance, as it stands now.

[Dziubka]

I can totally understand what you mean about the "Why hasn't this happened to me yet?". We don't have any visa restrictions - theoretically we could just move in together if we wanted to. But I don't want us to resent each other because we gave up our life or education to move away. Some people are lucky to be in a position where they can close the distance earlier and some have to wait longer. Having something you don't want to sacrifice isn't a bad thing at all.

In January 2015, which is the date we're looking at, we'll be 26 (me) and 25 (him) and we'll have been together for 5 years.
We originally wanted 2014 (which means obviously we'd both be a year younger and together for one year less, d'uh), but the logistics seem to be pretty much against that date.
Like I already said, I'm big on a fairy tale ceremony. We've already picked a church (it's perfectly fairy tale-esque) and a venue and are thinking about apropriate stylish ways to get people to the church and from the church to the venue. Our relationship is wonderful and it is a fairy tale to me (though not always) so I want the party to reflect that. Maybe it is exactly because I don't have a very romantic view of the actual marriage itself, that I want to at least make the party as romantic as possible.

[11MikesGirl21]

We're looking at being long distance at least until May 2014, maybe 2015 depending on where I go to grad school, which is looking more and more like I would be going to grad school at the same university I attend now. When the original "iffy" plan was I would go to grad school essentially down the road from where my SO lives, we would have gotten married on our 5th year anniversary in November 2015. It was my preference. He was just "well that's a cool idea I guess" about it. Since it's so far away we talk in a lot of "I would like" or "If we".

Now, I would still love to get married at that same time, it was the perfect time to do it for the kind of wedding I (hopefully we) want, but I have no idea. It would allow us to have a honeymoon over my winter break of that year because if I end up going to grad school near him it would take me two years to complete my Master's; it would only take me one year if I did it at the University I attend now and then I'd probably move down to be near him to plan the wedding and then get married the same time of year. It's also the time of year I would like to be married. My SO has started saving here and there for it because he's the only one of the two us with a job that allows him to put some money away, with mine, I live pay check to pay check and I'm a student (he's taking some time off to work) so money's always tight and runs out quickly.

If we do get married in 2015 on the day I would like I would be 24 (a week away from being 25) and he would be 25. We have also talked about the possibilty of a long distance marriage if that's what it comes down to. The only thing really keeping us from not getting married at this point, which my grandmother is fully behind, is money and only money. We don't have the money to get married, and if I got married now it would screw up the huge chunk of financial aid I get and that I NEED to attend school. With grad school, it wouldn't be based off of my family's income so getting married then is fair game. My SO and I are nothing if we aren't planners.

[LilyChiba]

We've already talked about married and we both want to. For us, its just another step in being together. For me to take his last name and be his for good. The love factor is already there, so it's not necessarily just for the visa to keep me there. We will have been dating probably 3 years by the time we're looking to get married, which means I'll be nearly 26. Soon after that, kids. It won't be all peaches and cream, I get that, but I'm looking forward to fight for what I want of us.

As for a right and wrong age, I do think sometimes for some people, teenage years is the wrong time. But as most have said, it depends on the couple in question and their maturity level.

[floridaellen]

My SO and I have always discussed marriage. We're both religious so it's a big deal for us. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone if I could not see marrying them.

For members still in LDR :
- at what age do you think you will get married ?
I think I'll be married pretty young. Everyone I know has always predicted that. I wouldn't get married before 21 though. I want to be able to drink at my own wedding! I'll probably be 21.
- at that age how long do you think you will be in a relationship with your SO for?
That's a difficult question. We got together originally at 16 for him/17 for me. We had a short break before college of 6 weeks but got back together. So by the time we got married we would have been in a relationship for either 4 years if you go by the original date or 2.75 years if you go by the date after our break even though we were together 1.25 years prior.

[Trethsparr]

For alumni:
- how old were you and your SO when you got married?
- how long did you know each other/ were in a relationship when you did ?


1. I was 27, and he was 30 when we married/closed the distance.
2. We'd known each other for almost two years/been in an relationship for 1.5 years when we married.

[ioanna]

For members still in LDR :
- at what age do you think you will get married ?
- at that age how long do you think you will be in a relationship with your SO for ?

My SO and i had initially plannedto get married in 2010. We would have been together for 5 years at that point and aged 26/29. But our situation changed and we went LD in 2009 and have been since.

Now we will be getting married at 30/33 or 31/34. We wil have been dating for 9-10 years.

For both of us it is imoortant thatbwe get to live together for a bit before, and if we weren't LD we would definitely already be married. I agree with your SO though, for both of us being able to supportourselves alone is a key condition before getting married.

[Zephii]

We are from Canada and Australia, so we don't need to be married to get a visa. Getting married for a visa would be my absolute last resort anyway as I very firmly don't believe in divorce (for myself! I'm glad it's an option for society however. It's too easy to make a mistake, and there are a lot of dicks out there.) and I also believe you should live with your SO a full year (minimum) before considering marriage.

Age wise, I'm 24 and he's 25 and we're getting married in like a month and a week or something.
We'd been together officially for 2 years when he asked me, and we've been engaged a little over a year. We've known each other since 2004, but didn't meet in person until late '08.

There isn't a right age to marry imo.