Family Supporting Your Relationship?

[Mara]

You think maybe she had a good reason to be unsupportive of those other relationships? My mother never liked any of my previous partners, but she loves my SO and tries to talk me into spending my life with him constantly. [not that I need talking into] I will say at the time when she disliked all of my partners I thought she was being unreasonable, but then she turned out to be right about the lot of them. I have had a few relationships end mutually or because of me, but the majority ended because the guy turned out to be a jerk.

[Sierra]

You think maybe she had a good reason to be unsupportive of those other relationships? My mother never liked any of my previous partners, but she loves my SO and tries to talk me into spending my life with him constantly. [not that I need talking into] I will say at the time when she disliked all of my partners I thought she was being unreasonable, but then she turned out to be right about the lot of them. I have had a few relationships end mutually or because of me, but the majority ended because the guy turned out to be a jerk.

In some of them, I know she did, without a doubt. And I KNOW she was just looking out for me, but you have to let people make their own mistakes and I'm one of those people who comes to things in their own time. I would have left those men, I just couldn't be rushed into doing it. I think she was fearful I was going to marry one of them and make a huge mistake.

In other relationships, no, she had no reason to be the way she was, she just ... wouldn't give them a chance. After my last serious relationship - where she DID have a right to act the way she did (I just don't want to go into many details here about what happened but she was 100% justified), even though she was justified in her actions, they really hurt the trust that I had in her and I felt like I had to hide relationships from her from then on.

I think this just contributed to her being protective.

Her being this way and liking my boyfriend now, despite the distance (me being in an "unconventional relationship"), and me moving there is just so surprising and out of character. I'm glad she does, I mean I am TRULY happy that she's being supportive of me, and she's being so supportive. It makes me proud of myself, maybe I'm doing the right thing in her eyes, and at least she's not disapproving of my partner. I love my boyfriend and I'm glad that she can (hopefully she does see) that he's an amazing man who inspires me to do better and makes me happy.

[LilyChiba]

Despite my mother having more than enough money to help me out to get to him (money she would have never had if my dad had not passed), she chooses to make him come him. Whilst its nice that she is paying, it's also very illogical. He has a job, I don't. I could stay there longer and see how things are before I move, whereas he can only come here for 2 weeks. Selfish on both sides, but one option does seem more logical. I get she's trying to meet him and protect me. She herself has also just entered an LDR to which she can take a 2 hour flight and be with her man. She claims to understand, but she really doesn't and I don't think she ever will. She's never understood relationships well. It's why my dad was going to divorce her and why her latest husband divorced her after 2.5 months (he was out to get money from the house sale). Because of the divorce, she can't come overseas with me, hence why she told him to come here. In any case, she's not really been supportive and has always made snide remarks, been damaging to us and my mental health as she always has been. Still, she's my mum. Her sister, who is 10 years younger than her and 16 years older than me (quite the kid at heart), understands to a tee. She was going to marry someone in the UK and was basically the mess I constantly am when I can't get ahold of my SO. Mum wasn't supportive of her relationship either and the faces she made when she found out, is why it took so long for me to tell my mum.

I'm happy that your mum however, is nothing like that. She sounds like she can finally let you go because she knows she can trust your SO and that you make each other better people. And she's willing to back that as best she can. It's a rare gift in my eyes.

[Engel]

my mother never supported the guys i liked or dated, but one, that i didnt really like and dated just to please her! haha

but with my so.. since the begin, she adores him!!!


I guess they have the gut feeling they are the right one for us, eh?

And she also helps me with money, because i cant work yet, so im really really thankful to her!

[Sierra]

Despite my mother having more than enough money to help me out to get to him (money she would have never had if my dad had not passed), she chooses to make him come him. Whilst its nice that she is paying, it's also very illogical. He has a job, I don't. I could stay there longer and see how things are before I move, whereas he can only come here for 2 weeks. Selfish on both sides, but one option does seem more logical. I get she's trying to meet him and protect me. She herself has also just entered an LDR to which she can take a 2 hour flight and be with her man. She claims to understand, but she really doesn't and I don't think she ever will. She's never understood relationships well. It's why my dad was going to divorce her and why her latest husband divorced her after 2.5 months (he was out to get money from the house sale). Because of the divorce, she can't come overseas with me, hence why she told him to come here. In any case, she's not really been supportive and has always made snide remarks, been damaging to us and my mental health as she always has been. Still, she's my mum. Her sister, who is 10 years younger than her and 16 years older than me (quite the kid at heart), understands to a tee. She was going to marry someone in the UK and was basically the mess I constantly am when I can't get ahold of my SO. Mum wasn't supportive of her relationship either and the faces she made when she found out, is why it took so long for me to tell my mum.

I'm happy that your mum however, is nothing like that. She sounds like she can finally let you go because she knows she can trust your SO and that you make each other better people. And she's willing to back that as best she can. It's a rare gift in my eyes.

My heart really goes out to you.

I can't say that I think my mother would ever really help me see my boyfriend, but she's willing to support me being with him and going to school and help me out financially there. Which I am REALLY greatful for. Personally, I think it's great that your mom does help you and your SO see each other, but sadly, it sounds more like a power play than true help. I guess sometimes we have to take what we can get though, right? I'm sure seeing your SO as you do now is better than not seeing them at all.

With closing the distance, I didn't know how I was going to be able to afford to get everything ready to move, the actual move, find a place to live AND find a job all before I actually made the real move, but thankfully my mom said maybe not worry about finding a job right away (and spending the extra money on flights out there and what not) until I'm actually there and she'll help me. I'm going to save plenty of money before I go (upwards of $5,000) but it's still something that scares me.

It sounds like your mom, through her protection, is hurting your ability to close the distance. Hopefully things change for you when it comes to that.

My mom doesn't understand relationships well either. She's a very strong woman and doesn't understand compromising and that a relationship is the joining and acceptance of someone else. Marriages in my family haven't lasted and I know she feels guilty for this and for not being able to show me a positive relationship. It's not her fault entirely, things just haven't worked out that way, but it doesn't mean I won't try my hardest to make my way in the world. I look up to my mother for her strength, but I also try to not make the mistakes I've seen her make in her own relationships. I've heard her talking to her best friend, who is also a single parent and they both wonder if I and her best friend's daughter will be ok in relationships because of growing up with single mothers who were VERY independent.

I hope your mom comes around and is at least able to sympathize with what you're going through and gives you more of a free rein. It took me this long to get mine, I hope yours comes sooner.

my mother never supported the guys i liked or dated, but one, that i didnt really like and dated just to please her! haha

but with my so.. since the begin, she adores him!!!


I guess they have the gut feeling they are the right one for us, eh?

And she also helps me with money, because i cant work yet, so im really really thankful to her!

Maybe they do, I'm not sure. She sure as hell gives me a hard a time for dating someone from Texas, but I think it's all in good fun given how supportive she is about our decisions to be together and how.

I too feel so thankful to my mom for helping me with money. 3 years ago I was basically disabled and I've only been able to work part time since then. I really barely get by but I know I can always go to her. Now that I'm going to go back to school and she knows how important not ruining my credit with loans is, the fact that she's willing to help me so much really does blow my mind. Part of me feels guilty, but I also know I'm her daughter and she wouldn't offer help if she didn't want to help, so I'm thankful.

We are lucky.

[Haley53]

My mother and I are extremely close - there's no other way to put it - so though she encourages my independence, there's a part of her that also has a hard time letting go, and that has led to her being both supportive and not. For example, she loves my partner and can't wait to meet him in person, but with that being said, she's also insanely critical of some things (he's more artsy, and she has a hard time separating her ideal - which is a man "with money" - from mine, simply because "I'm young" so of course "money isn't important to me yet" <- not sure where she got that. It's simply not a requirement my partner be a millionaire) and also has a hard time talking to me about others, such as the idea of my going away on a working holiday. She was thrilled at the idea he would come out here, was even prepared to offer him work and a rent-free place to stay, but not so much at the idea I'd be gone for a year, let alone potentially deferring grad school to do it. She's very happy I have him and feels we're a very good match and says she can very much tell that I'm serious about him even if I haven't said it to her, but it's hard for her to think about me thinking about a future with him, because that means letting go. In our relationship, she plays both the mother and father. :P So though it's not exactly the same situation, I can somewhat understand, as I'm in a position where her opinions seem to flip-flop depending on the context, and of course I want her to be supportive of me and have a good opinion; her opinion is extremely important.

The closer person in my family to your mother is my grandfather, but he's unaware of my SO and will remain so for as long as is possible. :P I hate to say it but he has never had anything positive to say about my mother's relationships and never anything positive to say about mine, not even my/our friendships. He is honestly the most critical person I have never met, and not afraid to sneer about it in the person's presence or even to their face - i.e. he once started on a rant about obesity while we were standing behind two larger women, asking me how anyone could let themselves get like that, going on about how "gross" it is, and so on (granted he finds beauty in anorexic models), and he has also made comments about weight and "eating too much of x or y" to people's faces before, and his criticisms don't stop at weight - so I tend to avoid that where I can. I receive a heavy dose of it, and I know my SO would, being as he's a musician and not an engineer or currently in school to become one. He's where I start getting suspicious of anything "nice." :P

[flugelhorn]

I guess they have the gut feeling they are the right one for us, eh?

Engel took the words right out of my mouth! Moms ALWAYS know....

I met my SO abroad & was initially worried to tell my parents. They had been supportive of all my other boyfriends but I was afraid they would initially be closed-minded about this one as I was moving back to Canada from the UK in 2 months. Luckily, when we first started dating my best friend was visiting me & I think her enthusiasm & confirmation that he was a great guy put my parents' mind at ease. Now, they adore him (they've met him once). They always ask about him & I think they can truly see how he makes me a better person. I'm so happy to have their support. Sometimes... I even get too much! My Dad talks about us getting married all the time & we've only been together 8 months. o.O (Not that I don't think about that but I don't want to rush it!)

[OceanBlue]

whaaaa I wish my parents would be supportive of my bf! but mine is some cultural thing so it's a bit different. but im really glad ur mom is supportive

[LilyChiba]

My heart really goes out to you.

I can't say that I think my mother would ever really help me see my boyfriend, but she's willing to support me being with him and going to school and help me out financially there. Which I am REALLY greatful for. Personally, I think it's great that your mom does help you and your SO see each other, but sadly, it sounds more like a power play than true help. I guess sometimes we have to take what we can get though, right? I'm sure seeing your SO as you do now is better than not seeing them at all.

With closing the distance, I didn't know how I was going to be able to afford to get everything ready to move, the actual move, find a place to live AND find a job all before I actually made the real move, but thankfully my mom said maybe not worry about finding a job right away (and spending the extra money on flights out there and what not) until I'm actually there and she'll help me. I'm going to save plenty of money before I go (upwards of $5,000) but it's still something that scares me.

It sounds like your mom, through her protection, is hurting your ability to close the distance. Hopefully things change for you when it comes to that.

My mom doesn't understand relationships well either. She's a very strong woman and doesn't understand compromising and that a relationship is the joining and acceptance of someone else. Marriages in my family haven't lasted and I know she feels guilty for this and for not being able to show me a positive relationship. It's not her fault entirely, things just haven't worked out that way, but it doesn't mean I won't try my hardest to make my way in the world. I look up to my mother for her strength, but I also try to not make the mistakes I've seen her make in her own relationships. I've heard her talking to her best friend, who is also a single parent and they both wonder if I and her best friend's daughter will be ok in relationships because of growing up with single mothers who were VERY independent.

I hope your mom comes around and is at least able to sympathize with what you're going through and gives you more of a free rein. It took me this long to get mine, I hope yours comes sooner.

You are completely correct to be honest. It is a power play. She wants to be in control of her kids because she is losing them. My sister has been in and out of home ever since she was torn away from the coast where I still live because she can't stand too much of my mum. You know that love in small doses thing. Yeah. But that's how she is with everyone, pushes people away and thinks she can dominate choices. Fact of the matter is, I actually think she is more so doing it so she can try and convince him to move here. Which is something I don't really want. There's not much more for me to experience in this country. I'd like to live somewhere else. But I'm in total agreement. I would much rather at least have that small time than not have it at all.

As it stands, without a job, yes she really is hurting my chances to get there at a reasonable time. Hell, I could have already been there if she had actually helped sooner and done what she promised to do. (She took back the offer of paying for me to go earlier this year when I did not get the green card, in opt of him coming here). But really, at almost 25 (she was pregnant when she was 25 and married), you'd think she would have a bit more faith in my ability to look after myself. Hopefully with him coming here and me save what money I do get for when he does get here will show that we're serious. I'll have a place to live there just fine. It's everything else I'm worried about. The flights and wedding, all that fun stuff.

My mum and your mum are very similar in the relationship department. At least where compromising comes in. It's always been her way or the high way. Her relationship with my dad lasted 20+ years before he passed, but even that would have come to an end. He only stuck with her so long because of me and my sister. I strive not to be like her in any regard if I can help it. Especially since she thinks that money can buy love, yet when it comes to my health in matters like this (depression), she won't lift much of a finger. Yes I need to do things for myself, but I'm looking hard for a job. It's hard to think of not being able to spend time with the SO after spending almost every day with him whenever I want online. Thanks for the reply though, it helps when people can relate even if they don't know the full details. I do come off as selfish a lot, but I have my reasons for it @.@.

[Engel]

I too feel so thankful to my mom for helping me with money. 3 years ago I was basically disabled and I've only been able to work part time since then. I really barely get by but I know I can always go to her. Now that I'm going to go back to school and she knows how important not ruining my credit with loans is, the fact that she's willing to help me so much really does blow my mind. Part of me feels guilty, but I also know I'm her daughter and she wouldn't offer help if she didn't want to help, so I'm thankful.

We are lucky.

My mother always tells me, all she built in her life, how much she works, is to help me and my brother have a better life. She really is a great mother, and even though we have really different personalities, we love each other very much. my mother was over protective of me, but me moving to Germany made things way better. I have my own life and make my own choices and she learned to respect that. I guess while i lived under her roof she still saw me as a child in some ways, now I am a woman, living far away from her, and will get married and start a family of my own. She sees how much ive matured since i moved. I wish you all the best when you move!!! for you and your SO!

[Sierra]

You are completely correct to be honest. It is a power play. She wants to be in control of her kids because she is losing them. My sister has been in and out of home ever since she was torn away from the coast where I still live because she can't stand too much of my mum. You know that love in small doses thing. Yeah. But that's how she is with everyone, pushes people away and thinks she can dominate choices. Fact of the matter is, I actually think she is more so doing it so she can try and convince him to move here. Which is something I don't really want. There's not much more for me to experience in this country. I'd like to live somewhere else. But I'm in total agreement. I would much rather at least have that small time than not have it at all.

As it stands, without a job, yes she really is hurting my chances to get there at a reasonable time. Hell, I could have already been there if she had actually helped sooner and done what she promised to do. (She took back the offer of paying for me to go earlier this year when I did not get the green card, in opt of him coming here). But really, at almost 25 (she was pregnant when she was 25 and married), you'd think she would have a bit more faith in my ability to look after myself. Hopefully with him coming here and me save what money I do get for when he does get here will show that we're serious. I'll have a place to live there just fine. It's everything else I'm worried about. The flights and wedding, all that fun stuff.

My mum and your mum are very similar in the relationship department. At least where compromising comes in. It's always been her way or the high way. Her relationship with my dad lasted 20+ years before he passed, but even that would have come to an end. He only stuck with her so long because of me and my sister. I strive not to be like her in any regard if I can help it. Especially since she thinks that money can buy love, yet when it comes to my health in matters like this (depression), she won't lift much of a finger. Yes I need to do things for myself, but I'm looking hard for a job. It's hard to think of not being able to spend time with the SO after spending almost every day with him whenever I want online. Thanks for the reply though, it helps when people can relate even if they don't know the full details. I do come off as selfish a lot, but I have my reasons for it @.@.

No, I can definitely relate. Your relationship with your mother sounds very much like what mine used to be, and well now that it's gotten a bit more healthy, we (like any family) still have our issues. I believe that our family teaches us how to act and that in order to live our own lives, if we come from an unhealthy family, we have to break the cycle.

I have watched my family very closely all throughout my life and realized they are basically batshit crazy. Yes, some of them mean well, but their methods of completing their good intentions are usually extremely damaging. I can't blame my mother for being the way she is because I know HER mother (my grandmother). My mom was basically forced into this role and personality and at the end of the day she is a very kind, loving and caring person, but she is also extremely controlling. In many ways, I look up to my mother. For her ability to adapt, her drive, and motivation, and her dedication to everything she does. But in other ways, she is what I don't want to become.

Not speaking of my mother here, just family in general, but sometimes our family is extremely damaging to us, and we have to put up walls. Don't forget that the relationships and the emotional control (wouldn't it be nice if I could take my own advice?) that they have over us is because we let them. It's ok to put up walls and define the relationship on your terms. Having boundaries is important.

I know my mom doesn't like when I have boundaries, but she's getting more and more used to them being there and I think she respects what I'm doing. At least I hope. I know if I was in this relationship several years ago, she wouldn't be nearly as supportive as she's being now, however that being said, maybe she does know that my boyfriend is right for me.

Back to you though, it took me a long time to break out from my mother having A LOT of control over me, but once I did, after the initial feud, our relationship improved to where it is today, and I'm glad. I don't want to be isolated from my mother when she's all I've had in life, pretty much over anything, a relationship, a profession ... she's my mom and I need her in my life.

I hope things work out for you and if you ever need to talk I'm a PM away.