Family Supporting Your Relationship?

[Sierra]

My mom has always had a hard time 'letting go of me' and letting me grow up and strike out on my own. This has made her a nightmare to deal with in relationships and she's done some really extreme, damaging things throughout my dating life to my boyfriends at the time. On one level, I don't blame her, she did see it as her protecting me from 'bad men' but not all of the men I dated were bad.

Long story short, out of all my relationships, I would never expect her to be supportive of me dating someone long distance, let alone moving across the country. But she is. She's encouraging me to go back to school when I do, offering to pay for it fully and to help me out financially while I get settled and am in school if I can't finish the program and work at the same time.

She supports my decision to live apart from my boyfriend for a few months until we do move in together and, again, said she would help me out monetarily. She said if I get homesick she'll fly me back and I don't have to worry about much until I'm settled in.

I have to say, I'm shocked. Part of me wants to wake up and just think, holy crap, is this a dream? I don't know why she's supportive of my boyfriend now, I think maybe she sees how much he inspires me and encourages me to get on the right path and live a great life. How patient he is with me, or maybe she realizes that my situation at home (not with her, just my life in general) isn't healthy and knows if I ever want to be happy, I have to get away.

I'm just not used to being supported when I'm in a relationship. Has anyone else dealt with a family member like this? A parent? Of your SO or yourself? I swear I just keep thinking it's all part of her evil plan and something is going to come crashing down.

[squirrelz15]

I understand why you are feeling that way. It's that way with my parents too. They loved my 1st bf, and I'm pretty sure they would only be happy if I got back with him, but I don't want to. We're great friends, but there are things about him that I don't want to live with for the rest of my life. They are not very supportive of anyone else. They say they like them, but you can tell they actually don't. Maybe your mom really has had a change of heart though, and all you can really do is hope for the best. I can understand you being cynical though.

[Sierra]

Given everything she's put me through, including, literally reporting my car stolen because it's registered in her name, shutting off my cell phone (of course these were things when I was younger), it's hard to believe the amount of support that I'm getting now. Even my extended family is surprised she's being so supportive.

I want to believe her change in heart is genuine, and I'm giving her the benefit if the doubt but it's hard to get used to. This is the ONLY boyfriend my mom has ever approved of. I'm 27, it's about time, but it's just weird that she's supportive of someone who's well 'taking me away'. Sometimes I just have to remember to count my blessings. I'm just so used to things going well, so wrong.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Perhaps she's learning that she can't 'protect' you from everyone in the world. Maybe she's finally learnt that it's time to relax a little and let you do your own thing. I can understand to some degree: my mum was quite tearful when I said I'm gonna move to America in the future, only because she's having a hard time dealing with the fact that her daughter is no longer the little girl She's always been protective of me, and actually both of my parents are trying to let me go bit by bit, but they're not finding it easy.

[Sierra]

Perhaps she's learning that she can't 'protect' you from everyone in the world. Maybe she's finally learnt that it's time to relax a little and let you do your own thing. I can understand to some degree: my mum was quite tearful when I said I'm gonna move to America in the future, only because she's having a hard time dealing with the fact that her daughter is no longer the little girl She's always been protective of me, and actually both of my parents are trying to let me go bit by bit, but they're not finding it easy.

I know this is probably very true too. I think though my mom's instinct is to protect me no matter what and I'm hopeful she things I don't need protecting from this guy. She does get upset when I talk about moving, it's been just her and I for so long, but I've had so many breakdowns to her about how unhappy I am, I think it may be singing in that she has to let me move on eventually.

And you know, I think going back to school has a lot to do with it. I feel guilty for leaving her, but I know we'll see each other all the time and I don't really have much to worry about there. It's just such a juxtaposition from what I'm used to.

I do know she looks at me as a little girl, the other day I overheard my aunt and her on the phone and my aunt asked if my boyfriend and I were having sex (I'M 27) and my mom was like, I don't want to think about it ... I just blurted out, I'M ALMOST THIRTY YOU FOOLS!! lol

Maybe she's waking up to the fact that I"m not a child anymore.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Possibly. Has she met your SO?

[Sierra]

Yes, many times.

[HollzHeartsChris]

She must like him from what she's seen whilst he's been around That could be why heh

[Yaaamiii]

My mom has always been overprotective of me...I must say though, from your descriptions, even my mom seems lenient. :P She cares deeply about you as it's just you and her...I understand this because since my brother left to the Navy when I was in the 5th grade (I'm a junior in college now) its been just my mom and I. After my freshman year of college I moved to an out of state school and I felt very guilty as well. I felt like the worst daughter in the world...but I knew the day would come when I wouldn't live with her any longer. I had to move out and be on my own for a bit...I needed that space.

Like you said, she's probably just realized that maybe her past actions were making you unhappy...you're her daughter, she wants the best for you and your happiness.

[Sierra]

Yaaamiii, I do feel so guilty about leaving. It's certainly going to be a sad day.
My mother has been extremely over protective of me but really, she has reason to be. I do understand why she did those things, but it's not like it didn't damage me, the way I look at relationships, and the way I look at her and relationships of mine. I basically have always now, kept my relationships hidden from my mom to prevent drama.

It's funny, at family events and what not my family members came up to my boyfriend and even said "And Sierra's mom likes you...that's a miracle. Really, a miracle."

It's really exciting to have her support for once while I get ready to head out there and it makes it easier for me in some ways. I don't know how I'll deal with the guilt of leaving her behind but I know we'll be close. I really hope she has realized I have to go to be happy and my boyfriend is a good man. Hopefully she thinks I picked a winner and just isn't tolerating this because she has to. I want her to believe in me and my relationship. But now that it seems like she does, it's hard to wrap my mind around.

[lucybelle]

I think my mom is the only mom in the world that was siked when her kids left! She was like "empty nest syndrome my foot-- PARTY!"

[Sierra]

lol, I HOPE my mom is like yay this is a party once I'm gone, but I think she'll be lonely. It's been just her and I for so long and we do SO MUCH together. I mean see each other twice a day, talk on the phone all the time. She really is my best friend. Because of that it just makes it harder for me to leave, but more important for me that she be supportive because I WANT her approval. I'm just ... well not used to having it.

That being said, I doubt she'd be happy if I never took step forward in my life.

All that being said, I think my mother felt very trapped in her own family life and may be realizing that this is my golden opportunity. In her heart I know she wants what's best for me, part of me thinks it's hard for her to let go which has led to her being nonsupportive in the past but now she may be seeing that this is something I have to do. At least I hope.

You never know, she may slash my tires the day I try to drive away, LMFAO

[Dziubka]

I think my mom is the only mom in the world that was siked when her kids left! She was like "empty nest syndrome my foot-- PARTY!"

Not only your mum. In fact my mum moved out on my brother

It's just my opinion and I haven't even read the whole thread, but to me not being (mentally) independent from your parents by your mid-20's isn't healthy. For the parents and for the children. People need to live their own lives not their parents' or children's.

I love my mum, I know I can rely on her when things go loopsided and I'm close with her, but at the same time, we both have our own lives and she doesn't hover over me or meddle with my stuff, because she has her own life to keep her busy.

[rusty15]

My mom is like this too, she loves my boyfriend and me, and I'm moving to him soon. She is freaking out but supporting me, you just need to tell your parents that it's your life and you are happy.

[Sierra]

Not only your mum. In fact my mum moved out on my brother

It's just my opinion and I haven't even read the whole thread, but to me not being (mentally) independent from your parents by your mid-20's isn't healthy. For the parents and for the children. People need to live their own lives not their parents' or children's.

I love my mum, I know I can rely on her when things go loopsided and I'm close with her, but at the same time, we both have our own lives and she doesn't hover over me or meddle with my stuff, because she has her own life to keep her busy.

I'm sorry this comment has made me so defensive I need to take a step back, but I'm going to say this. My mother being overbearing and over protective of me isn't healthy and it's something we've both been working on. However, if you knew my life story, you would understand why she is this way.

It's a mother's natural instinct to protect their child. That instinct in MY mother is extremely strong because we've been through some really horrendous experiences together. I do not need to be told it's 'unhealthy' for her to be like this. I'm not an idiot, I've been in therapy for 14 years. I also never said anything about not being mentally independent from my mother other than feeling guilt for leaving her. While yes, she does have her own hobbies and life, as do I, we have been each others companions for a very long time and have a strong bond. Given our circumstances it's not surprising.

This post is about how I'm surprised to be receiving her support in my relationship and waiting for her to change her mind, not about how healthy or independent she or I should be at this time.