How do I respond to this?

[Dar917]

(I'm not really sure this is the right subforum but it's kind of related, otherwise mods feel free to relocate it.)

So, I have this male friend. He's 10 years older than me, has Aspberger's syndrome and thus not a lot of friends. He worked with my mom once upon a time and I met him once then. Then a few years ago we met up on this web site, the same one I met my LDR boyfriend on. We were pretty much best friends for three and a half years. I kind of knew he was in love with me the whole time. Then this summer he admitted his feelings for me. I said I didn't feel the same way and I was in a relationship at that time (or so I thought; that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish). He knows about my LDR, and they know each other on the site.

He doesn't seem to be getting the message though. I stopped hanging out with him and now only respond through email. Today, he drove to my house--40 miles away, to deliver a Christmas present to me. My mom answered the door; he didn't come in to talk to me, thank goodness. There was a sweater dress, and a card that said like, "Someone as special as you deserves to have a wonderful Christmas."

I'm just not really sure what to do. I don't want to say anything or respond at all. I wasn't going to get him anything this year. If I do say anything I might say something mean and I don't want to do that so close to Christmas. My SO knows about him, and knows I'm not interested and he's not jealous. Still I worry about it causing problems. I don't want any more drama; I'm sick and tired of drama. It's my own damn fault for letting it get to this point in the first place.

FML. What would you all do?

[squirrelz15]

I guess I would probably just email him and say thank you for the Christmas gift and card. Are you sure he meant more by it than just friendship? If you are, then I guess I would say that you're in a relationship and that this behavior makes you uncomfortable, and you would appreciate it if he would refrain from doing things like this in the future.

[efish1042]

I have a male friend that is starting to push it too far also. You can slap him in the face with the truth and he just keeps on like nothing happened. I'm about to end the friendship, honestly. I have other guy friends that were interested in me, but imo if you can't respect me enough to back off when I ask then we shouldn't be friends, much less date.
If you have flat out, plainly told him that you aren't interested at all, you are serious about your SO, and he should back off and he continues, then drop him. If he still bothers you, you can threaten a restraining order.
Sometimes, people just don't get it.
So, make sure he wasn't just trying to be friendly and you're reading too much into it and then tell him very clearly that you would like for him to back off. Then take it from there.

[Haley53]

I agree with squirrelz. I don't mean to stereotype anyone with Asperger's, but my best friend through high school had Asperger's and though he had a doting mother who was often there to correct his "faux pas," there were oftentimes things he said or did that could easily be misinterpreted by people who did not understand Asperger's, and because he lacked the social skills many of the other students did, he could sometimes make people uncomfortable. Is it possible that despite his feelings for you, this friend of yours doesn't realise how his card could have come across? I mean, there are things my gay "sister" (best friend) says to me that might be easily misinterpreted by people who don't know her/our relationship; she's like a sister to me, but I can see where people who don't know that that's our relationship can get the impression she might have feelings for me and vice versa. Though I'm not saying the situations are the same, I think they're comparable; it's possible he meant this as a friendly gesture and nothing more, and because it means something entirely different to you, or because he may not have picked up on that particular social cue of how the gift could be interpreted, you're simply seeing it as inappropriate. In this case, I think I'd write him an e-mail thanking him for the gift and the card and leave it at that. Short, sweet, simple. If he starts pushing boundaries/continuing to be what you deem inappropriate, then in that case I would be a bit more honest. But right now, and maybe I'm biased based on my experiences with high school best friend, to me it seems like nothing more than a friendly gesture. :/ It doesn't sound like he's trying to force himself on your relationship or cause drama at all.

[Sierra]

Since he has Asbergers, you should realize that recognizing social cues do not really come naturally to him, which can lead him to being a little more awkward socially than most neurotypical people. I really doubt he means anything by it, and I would thank him for the gift. I watch a boy who's 13, with Asbergers and he can do some really silly things sometimes but he just doesn't know any better. His heart is one of gold.

I really think if you guys were such good friends, and his actions are not causing a problem in your current relationship, you should remain friends with him. Why did your friendship end if you were best friends?

You need to think of him a little differently than you are now, maybe realize that it's not that he's NOT picking up on what you're saying, and how you feel, just that he can't, spell it out to him without hurting his feelings, but I mean, why FML? It sounds like a friend gave you a nice gift.

I know someone on this site has Asbergers, maybe they can come give you some insight. But I really don't think any harm or lines were meant to be crossed here.

[Dar917]

I don't know, in the past we'd give each other things like books, food treats, etc. Clothing just seems...more personal I guess, and add in the card...I honestly think he hopes I'll change my mind one day or something. He's given me flowers before too. When I told him about the LDR he didn't say anything about it and still hasn't. And I know all the stuff about Aspbergers not picking up social cues; I think he knows very well what he's doing. I just don't know how to address it.

[squeeker]

I have Asperger's Syndrome, as does my SO. I know all people with Aspergers are different, so I can't know for sure what he's thinking. I think it could be very well that he just appreciates your friendship and wanted to get you something nice. But if you think that he might be doing it because he hopes you'll change your mind. If it makes you uncomfortable, you should say so though because people with Aspergers tend to miss nonverbal cues. If I were you, I'd take it as a friendly gesture and nothing more and just write a polite thank you back if you chose. It's hard to say whether he's doing it to try and make your friendship something more because from my experience as a person with Asperger's, I wouldn't do that, since I have anxiety issues and usually try and avoid conflict. People with Asperger's Syndrome often have trouble making decisions (at least my SO and I do) so it could be that he wasn't sure whether it was appropriate to get you a sweater and ended up doing it.. he might have the fears that it looks bad to.. but also the fears that he wants to get you something that you'll like... So.. he decided to go for it... Okay I got a suggestion.. just reinforce in your letter or however you thank him that you're friends and you appreciate his friendship.. or something.. I'm not sure. I hope this post was more helpful than not.. I just wanted to give my opinion as a person with Asperger's.

[Engel]

try to say it in a way as not to hurt his feelings.
get him at least a card and say something like:


i really am a lucky girl, I have the best friend I could wish for, you. (not you original poster, the you in question is your friend. lol hope it is understandable) and the best boyfriend in the wold, James, Bernard, Daniel, whatever is the name of your boyfriend.


just reassure him he is your friend, but nothing more than that.

hope i helped.

[lucybelle]

I don't know your guy, but I know a pretty Asperger's guy and he says a whole lot of weird stuff. He's extremely witty and funny, but always says things a little off and stands too close to you. People with Asperger's don't understand social cues, so I have a feeling that he sees what he did as a nice friendly gesture, and nothing more. He didn't see it as crossing a line. He saw it as giving you a nice sweater!

[London-FortCollins]

I think everyones about covered everything. Just want to add that I don't think clothing is especially personal. Lingerie sure but a sweater/sweaterdress I would say is an appropriate gift for a friend.

I would def thank him for the gift. Even if the reasons behind it were deeper than friendship, he did a nice thing and should be thanked for that.

Personally I wouldnt address the issue now, just a short sweet "thank you for the gift". Keep an eye on the situation and if he starts pushing boundaries in the future, that would be the time to have the conversation again about how you feel.

But for now - its Christmas. Smile and accept his gift graciously

[sardonis]

I've a friend with aspergers, he is pretty bad at social signals, but having it doesn't make someone incompetent socially, that's often a decision to ignore what he is told. My friend, he will ignore what he's being told as not true, because he doesn't see the physical symptoms that corroborate the words like the average person(Note I don't say normal person, since who is?), just like sometimes people ignore physical signs in favor of their imagination. If he's being stubborn to catch on, be direct as nothing is as healthy for you and him than to set this matter straight. There should be no need to tip-toe the issue and just inform him that he will only ever be a friend and that you will not ever have a romantically or sexually involved relationship with him, because you do not want that with him.

[Sierra]

I still don't understand how him bringing a gift to someone who was his best friend really denotes anything romantic or is crossing a line.
I mean, I'll just call it how I see it here, it seems like the OP has forsaken her friendship with the person in question because of a romantic relationship and because this man was interested in her romantically. Just because he gave a gift doesn't mean he's crossing a line OR trying to get into her pants. It sounds like maybe he's trying to hold on to a friend that's important to him.

If his actions make you uncomfortable, tell him why, but to be, it really sounds you're making assumptions about the meaning of his actions.

[Haley53]

I agree with Sierra. I also don't feel anyone's saying he's incompetent socially, rather that he may not have interpreted his note/card the same way she has. Hell, I wrote my partner a card where I said some pretty lavish things and I spent time making that card and putting it together when our feelings to one another had not even been confessed or really signalled as far as their existence (as far as I remember). As much as I cared for him at the time, the point of the card was not to scream that out but rather to give him a nice, homemade gift since he'd told me he'd never received anything homemade from anyone before; what was written inside was written because I cared deeply for him as a best friend. I even signed it with "Love, [my name here]".

The fact he didn't see it may be down to his Asperger's or it may be down to the fact he considers her his best friend, same as what happened with my partner and same as like what happens with my "sister." This is why I agree with Sierra and why I don't think it's worth broaching the subject over, or, if you do, using a method as one of the others suggested, pointing out that you (the OP) are grateful you have such a good friend. To me it sounds like you're uncomfortable by his feelings, in general, more than his actions and you're looking for reasons to justify that. If you want to limit contact, then do so, but when it comes to this one, I really think you're reaching to make it about you and his feelings for you; I see nothing romantic about the gift - though this could be because clothes (no undergarments or lingerie) in my family are seen as a pretty general/generic gift for friends and to receive from friends - and I don't think he should be confronted about it like there was some underlying evil but romantic intention. :P I would simply thank him for it, tell him he's a good friend if you must make a point of it, and then keep an eye out for further behaviour. If he makes you that uncomfortable, then limit contact, but to me, this was a gesture of friendship and nothing more.

EDIT: I also want to point out that my best friend and I used to have poke wars/"tickle fights" (it wasn't quite a wrestle-type tickle, but we'd often sneak up on the other and stick our hands under their arms). I was the only one he let touch him and the only one he touched. However, to my friend, that wasn't "flirting" like it might have been with some guys. That was us goofing off and playing around and him being who he was. I don't think you should let Asperger's be the excuse for allowing him to subject you to behaviour that makes you uncomfortable, but at the same time, I think you need to realise that depending on where he falls on the spectrum with his Asperger's, he really may have an entirely different view of the card than you.

[Dar917]

Thanks for all your input everyone. I told him in an email thank you, it was a very nice gift; doesn't change anything though. I think it's a cultural thing; where I live most people aren't touchy-feely and don't give clothing as gifts to friends. Other people I spoke to about were like, oh hell no! So. I just don't want his Aspberger's to be used to excuse his behavior. Maybe it wouldn't bother me as much if I weren't in a relationship. Someone without Aspberger's would go ok, she's in a relationship, I should probably back off a bit. He is high-functioning so I have a hard time believing it was only platonic. If he continues to push things I will have to be more firm.