Am I right to be mad?

[Jezah]

If you read my "Am I being greedy" post you will see the argument me and HBB had last night. Well it was resolved, kinda, and then today I find out when I was talking to him that apparently he has told his mom and his friends about the argument and they all side with him. I am beyond pissed at this, what right did he have to share our personal business with his friends and family? Yes I posted here but this is a anonymous forum and not something as personal as his MOM. She now thinks I am needy (she already mentioned and said she thought I was once already) and his friends probably think I am a nag. To make it worse, he is not taking responsibility for his actions. He is now ignoring me after I hung up on him (I know, it was bad but I was pissed off) when I asked him "Do you think the level of contact you gave me yesterday was ok?" and he snapped back with a ton of attitude "Yes and so does everybody else!". I hung up with a "Fine, then ask one of them to be your girlfriend cause I am done".

I am just so mad at him, he is being so stubborn and refusing to see reason here. I am really feeling defeated, and I am about to give up. He wants to break me? Fine, he will....I will back down because I love him but I am so mad he is making me.

[Rugger]

I read the entire other thread, but everything had been said, so I didn't post.

Him telling your personal business is NOT acceptable. It was between you and him, not everyone and their mother. He should have kept it to himself, or maybe just talked to one of his close friends if he was really upset by it. I do not think you are being needy. I HATE when my SO texts while he's with me. That says to me I'm not as important to him as his friends (His fam I don't mind so much). I never answer texts when I'm with him, because I'll talk to my friends when I'm home. There needs to be a balance between his friends and you.

I would just let him be for now. Cool down, write down what you need to say to him and let him come to you. Don't back down. No one should treat you like you don't matter even if you love them, ESPECIALLY if you love them.

[Engel]

You said he is 23. how old are you? maybe you have different maturity levels, where he is still really dependable on his mother and friends to back him on his decisions.


Though I wouldnt really attack his friends like that, as something I always said to my friends is: boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but true friends are forever. and it has been true. now I found my SO, and we will get married, but before, how many guys passed through our lives, that arent here anymore? many. but me and my good friends? we stay together. our friendship is forever.
one of the reasons i broke up a past relationship was because the guy didnt get along with my friends, even though i got along with his. not only for that, but it weighted when it was time for me to make a decision.


have you tried making friends with his friends?

[Yaaamiii]

I would have been mad as well. I'm sure my SO knows better than to tell his friends or family or whoever about our problems, and in return I do the same for him. Our problems are our own.

[anlgp]

I can see going to friends and such about problems but I think certain details should be left out

[chef.rae]

I can understand going to someone to talk about issues, but he did not have to go into explict details. That is stuff between the two of you, not the two of you and his entier family. I totally understand why you are mad,and i would be too.

[Haley53]

I don't necessarily feel it's fair to criticise him for sharing his problems with his friends. Or his mother. My boyfriend is more of a private person than I am. Whereas he may feel our conversations/issues to be discussed are more private, there are times I feel the need/want for an outside opinion and there are times I simply need to vent and let off some steam. Though I can't say I go to every single friend for an opinion, I will often go to my two closest friends who are generally pretty honest and not the sort to say "you're right." If they feel I'm right, they'll tell me, same as they'll tell me if they feel I'm being unreasonable or if I'm not looking at the situation from an ideal perspective. If I'm seeing something in a skewed way due to, say, baggage from my past, they'll be the first ones to point out how he might not mean thisorthat in the way I'm taking it, same as I can trust them to tell me when I have a right to be upset and when something might be an issue that needs to be sorted through. Talking out my problems, venting out my problems, and getting different perspectives and opinions is how I deal, and I would personally hate it if my partner interfered with that and got angry with me for it. I have no issue if he wanted to talk to a friend or his family either.

Where I do think there's a problem is his using their words as weapons. Though it might have been something that he stated in anger, I can't say I have ever used any of my friend's words/opinions against my boyfriend. I have never turned them into an attack or even used them as back-up, come to think of it, and neither has my boyfriend. My ex, however, did, and I loathed it. It's easy enough to find any number of friends who will say "you're right, they're wrong" when in my opinion, your friends should a) respect you and your relationship enough to be as honest/objective as possible and b) give you opinions that are used as a framework for coming to your own conclusions and finding your own solutions. I've often found that through talking to my friends, I end up talking through the problem in my own mind and there ends up being no need to say it's "x-number against one," which is what he is doing. And that is what I would be angry at, because that, in my opinion, is abusing your friend's support.

The one thing I would suggest you not do is give in because you "love him." Although there is a lot I think people naturally do and sacrifice for their partners, and though I think love and being in love tend to be the most forgiving levels you can reach with someone, I think there's also an element of loving yourself when truly loving someone else. There's an element of having love, compassion, and care for the self in addition to having enough respect not to kick something that bothers you to this extent under the rug, not to mention that you're always going to know it's there, and it's likely to surface again and again and again until it does eventually destroy the relationship; that's what happens when one partner starts letting things go for the sake of making it work. Though I would most certainly encourage some time to cool down in this situation, I would also consider talking about and having a civil, adult discussion about it. See if you can both do your best to leave your emotions, anger, and attitudes at the door. If he starts pitching an attitude, then try and respond with a, "If you need some space, I'll gladly give it to you and we can discuss this later, but I would really like to try having a civil discussion about this so we can actually fix/sort-out the issue." Respond calmly, not angrily, as best as you can. If he still pitches an attitude, then you ask for space and end the conversation. Then I would both throw your feelings out there, all of his and all of yours, with the understanding that you'll both graciously listen to and accept those feelings regardless of what they are. I would consider both throwing out a list of possible solutions, what the ideal outcome would be (in both your opinions), and go from there. Work together to come to a compromise, because sweeping this under the table isn't going to do anything but damage the relationship.

[rubydissolution]

I gotta say I 100% agree with Eclaire. I often find myself sharing things that bother me with some of my closest friends, who will give me their honest opinion of the situation even if a good chunk of the time they think i'm right and he's wrong. That's just part of friendship I think. My SO doesn't share with his friends and doesn't get when I share details about us with mine. I don't know how to make him understand that, thats how I vent and come to reasonable choices about things. I have friends who go a little overboard and just don't drop a topic or hold that fight against your SO. Which is why I try not to discuss things with those friends and my Mom. I want her to keep a good opinion of my SO and running to her about how much of a douchebag he is doesn't help. So while I agree with him sharing what happened with some of his close friends I do not agree with him sharing with his mother. It's hard enough to get on a parents good side, especially when they have formed an unfair opinion of you already.

As for the way he's treated you, I read the forum and couldn't offer any words of advice at the time. I think he has no right to talk to you like a child. Asking for the occasional text throughout the day or when he's with his friends is so completely not unreasonable. Ditching you for them, or for video games isn't acceptable. It wouldn't be acceptable for a CD relationship and it definitely isn't for a LDR. We need to feel involved in our SO's life bc we aren't there. He needs to get that, if he can't maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship atm, sorry to say.

[Mara]

I think you both just need to calm down at this point. This is just escalating and escalating.

[Malaga]

I think you both just need to calm down at this point. This is just escalating and escalating.

Yes.

OP. as uncomfortable as it is for you, he does have the right to seek advice from people he trusts. If I were you, I would feel indignant and upset if he were revealing intimate details or making things up, but if he's seeking advice regarding an argument, I can't argue with that.

You can expect his family and friends to basically always side with him, especially if they don't know you. Mainly because they only heard his side of the story. There's a much more effective way for you to counter that than rage. But it's essential you stay calm and rational when discussing it with him. Every time you lose control, he has a case in point which only reinforces his current attitude, that you're hard to deal with. You feel frustrated, he only gets more stubborn and you're both worse off than when you started.

You're both members of this forum, and I noticed you often post about issues here before you discussed them with each other. Isn't it similar to the situation you're in now? How can this help build trust and communication between you if you would rather have each other find out how you feel via forum thread with random people, than direct conversation?

I hope you get through this, it would be a shame if it all fell apart because of a few heated arguments. But I think you both need to revise the way you communicate about issues. Anything that isn't a direct communication between just the two of you is just going to lead to more issues sooner or later.

Good luck!

[lucybelle]

I'm a blabber mouth. I can't keep a secret for the life of me. True, there are certain things that happen in my relationship that I don't talk about. But really only when my SO specifically asks me not to. Whenever anything happens that I want to talk about, I talk to my friends, my sister and the good people at LFAD. That's just how I am.

So I'm not surprised your SO blabbed. But if it bothers you, you should let him know that you don't want him talking about your relationship with other people. For right now, I agree with Mara. You guys need to calm down, and talk about this when you both feel mature enough to come to a common ground.

[lucybelle]

I'm a blabber mouth. I can't keep a secret for the life of me. True, there are certain things that happen in my relationship that I don't talk about. But really only when my SO specifically asks me not to. Whenever anything happens that I want to talk about, I talk to my friends, my sister and the good people at LFAD. That's just how I am.

So I'm not surprised your SO blabbed. But if it bothers you, you should let him know that you don't want him talking about your relationship with other people. For right now, I agree with Mara. You guys need to calm down, and talk about this when you both feel mature enough to come to a common ground.

[books]

I agree that you need to calm down b/c you seem to be very reactive at this point...when emotions run high like this, it can be very dangerous! Most of what I feel about the sharing info has already been posted by other members (not so terrible that he shared, but throwing what his friends and family said back in your face is not cool). What jumped out at me is that you hung up on him. Be very careful about this. Before my SO, I had a very long and completely unhealthy relationship with my ex that consisted of lots of mindgames, silent treatment and constant hanging up on each other. It really is a slippery slope...once you have that first hang up, it just makes it easier to do it again. Going into my relationship with my SO, I swore to myself I was going to do things right this time. That means if I have an issue- I discuss it with him when I'm calm. I have not hung up on him once and trust me, I am so accustomed to doing it with my ex it sometimes feels really strange to stay on the phone if I'm upset about something. But guess what- we're both adults and I would like to have a healthy relationship, so this is how it goes. I know once I show him disrepect like that, I am just opening up the door to invite that element into our relationship.

Your final comment about giving in b/c you love him so much sounds a little concerning, almost co-dependent.